Kim Kardashian Is Passing Out Parenting Advice

It used to be you had to pretend to be a model parent to pass out advice to the rest of the fertile womb klatch. You know, those moms who always seemed put together, gave lectures to other moms or wrote books about how to get your kid to stop being such an asshole in stores simply by getting down on one knee and explaining to them how feelings work. Then you'd have to wait ten years to learn that mom was a heavy...read more

Kim Kardashian Channels Audrey Hepburn

Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that...read more

Kim Kardashian's Breasts Hit The Town Last Night

Kim Kardashian and her family just returned from a lavish and beautiful vacation in Thailand, and it was so picturesque and perfect that Kim didn't bother taking her own photos to post on Instagram, because she could just take some from Google and pass them off as her own. But now that she's back in America, Kim is all business as usual, and that means that instead of being mostly naked on a boat for the sake of...read more

Nick Cannon Is Still Bragging About Kim Kardashian

"Whiteface" pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he's been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool...read more

Kim Kardashian Shooting Selfies Through Thailand

Somebody at E! got a grant from the Thai government to have the Kardashian girls come over and teach all the underaged sex workers how to please foreign men without visible signs of tear. Now more than ever Thailand needs foreign dollars to keep its economy from collapsing. That isn't coming from Tom Yum soup sales alone. Each of the girls have been doing their part to promote Thailand and their amphetamine diet...read more

Kylie And Kendall Jenner In Bikinis On An Elephant

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Kim Kardashian's Dress Deserves a Prize

I don't know how you design a dress that is both see-through, and at the same time can secrete forty pounds of excess gunt. Whoever made Kim Kardashian's dress for the superbly boring Seth Meyer's show appearance deserves some kind of science award. Maybe one of those they give out at the dinners with all the celebrities but only show you quick cuts from because they're super fucking boring. I wonder if this same...read more

North West Pisses on Kanye

Kim Kardashian revealed to Seth Myers that baby North West pissed all over Kanye West during their infamous Vogue shoot. It seems that the unibrowed womb troll decided to use Kanye's chest as a diaper while they were taking a family shot on a couch. North is naked in the picture as a very early indicator of how the Kardashian clain raises their girl children to respect the process. Ihave a new found respect for baby...read more

Kim Kardashian Receives 10 Burger Kings As Wedding Tribute

When you hear that heavyset Kim Kardashian is being tributed, you might typically think of groups of sweaty fat men masturbating furiously onto her new Vogue cover photo. But, no, this one involves food. According to MSN, Kanye has decided to purchase his zoftig bride to be her own Burger King franchises in Europe as a tribute to their upcoming wedding. He's already given her an illegitimate child, an Italian sports...read more

Kim's And Kanye's Rep Claims They're Not Greedy

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are currently suing YouTube founder Chad Hurley because they believe that since their engagement video was leaked online, they lost out on a lot of money that they could have received from selling it, like all truly loving couples do. Chad reportedly made them a significant settlement offer of donating money to a charity of their choice, but they allegedly turned it down because they want...read more

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Vogue Cover

Vogue not so fetching editor Anna Wintour pretends to be the immovable object, but she isn't. She's just a creepy looking neighbor lady with a bad haircut who you discover wasn't just selling Mary Kay out of her the back of her Kia. Kim Kardashian greatly wanted her position in the fashion world to be officially stamped with a Vogue cover. Kanye felt his lady deserved it for all the bitching clothes she was wearing....read more

Kanye Plans To Serenade Kim's Ass

Kanye West announced he has a new song in the works just for his fair bride at their Big French Wedding in May. The working title is (Tap That) Sugar Bear Bitch or something similarly romantic. Just imagine Yeezus laying down righteous lyrics while Kris Jenner directs the E! cameramen to get POV on Kim pulling a train of uncircumcised French logger. I'm fucking misty. Photo Credit: Splash, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast...read more

Kim Kardashian's Ass Approaches Tokyo Bay

I just figured out where they buried Robert Kardashian after Kris wished him out of her way. Just look at that gargantuan ass beast in a Baby Huey sized adult diaper. You could fit several mid-sized Armenian corpses in that trunk. Kim Kardashian waddled her fat injected dumper through Miami yesterday to make some quick merchandising cash for the Kardashian clan who recently got calls from their Cayman Island bank that...read more

Kim Kardashian Keeps Her Horny Fans Pleased

One day, when she's old enough to understand the difference between being a shameless attention-seeker and having some goddamned self-respect, baby North West is going to ask her mommy and daddy how they got famous. Kanye West will, of course, explain that he made really popular rap music that was average at best compared to some of his peers, but his overblown sense of ego helped him promote it as if he was the...read more

Kim Kardashian Gets In Car Wreck

Kim Kardashian was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday but unfortunately no one was hurt. Kim was driving around Beverly Hills listening to the Yeezus album, because someone has to, when she went to turn left. A car that was also turning from oncoming traffic smashed into her Mercedes war machine and damaged the fender. The two drove to the nearby Beverly Hills hotel where they exchanged info and then hugged...read more