Kim Kardashian Is One Of Us

By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Arriving At Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ughhhh my hips and butt are huge now! They were big to begin with.

Women have long employed self-effacing criticism as the primary means of introduction. It’s a social bonding precursor. I’m fat. I hate myself. Therefore, I’m lovable and won’t fuck your man so invite me to your coffee klatch. Somebody on Kim’s paid social media team figured this dynamic out recently and started Tweeting every-woman posts about needing to lose twenty pounds and how her ass was too huge even though she controls the precise size of her dumpster through fat injections and nanorobotics. Naturally, Kim’s sympathetic I’m the Fantine friendly kind of whore public persona worked. If Satan stormed up from Hades and announced he can’t find a bikini that fits and he’s got cramps he’s immediately have 5,000 retweets.

OK no more tweeting and procrastinating! LOL Glad some of u moms can relate. I’m reading the comments! For real….of to the gym! …Wish me luck on the dieting…it’s soooo hard for me!”

LOL indeed, Kim Kardashian social media team. Nanorobotics are cool. But science won’t mean anything until I can reach through my Twitter feed and bitch slap people soooo they feel it.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash

Kim Kardashian’s Whore App Is Innocent

By Matt August 05, 2014 @ 8:43 AM


Ayelet Waldman went on a Twitter rant because her kid got duped by Kim Kardashian’s pretend shopping app. The game allows you to buy shit that does not exist, which is a slightly worse bargain than shelling out a thousand bucks for a K Mart clutch with Chanel written on it. Waldman is known for being frustrated by the rigors of domestic life and was actually held at gunpoint in South Asia and forced to procreate. You won’t see that in most tourism board brochures. Her 11 year old son apparently lost $120 dollars playing the game because he got suckered in by the promo where Kim promises to fuck pubescent boys into men if they can find their parents credit card numbers.. Waldman took to social media and blamed everyone but herself for allowing her dumb kid access to such garbage:

“The Kardashian Hollywood game somehow bypassed our parental in-app purchase controls. Our poor 11 year old spent $120 in 2 days. He’s crying hysterically. He can’t believe he lost so much money. A pox on those vile scumbag Kardashian pigs and their app designers.”

Vile scumbag pigs is not overreaching for the Kardashians. Like they care. But Waldman mostly sounds like a shitty parent who needs to spring for guitar lessons for her son and maybe in a quiet time ask him if he really wants to be a girl in heels.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kim Kardashian Topless Wedding Photo

By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 7:54 AM


Kim Kardashian posted a topless photo of herself getting fitted for a wedding dress. Kim was forced to wait for several hours as her Beverly Hills designers kidnapped an old woman from Prague who could hand sew to such extreme convex body measurements. After she completed knitting the extreme dress, the elderly Czech fell ill and passed away within a couple seconds. Secrecy was paramount prior to the official selling of the wedding photos.

It is a mystery why anyone would find a topless photo of Kardashian titillating when you could simply Google a video of her getting pounded in traditional porno lighting with her nipples, vagina, and asshole exposed. Usually you work up to that. If I had seen my high school girlfriend getting lotion slammed by Ray J I probably would have skipped first base all together and gone straight to public orgies beneath the bleachers. Apparently Kim’s legal team has sued the Internet into believing anyone still gives a shit about seeing her naked.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kim Kardashian and Joe Francis Show Off Their Respective Asses

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 9:42 AM

The jaunty Instagram elf so totally caught Kim Kardashian off-guard when he snapped this candid of her thong ass after only four hours of lighting, prepping and staging. Next to Kim you can see the poor sap who let herself get pregnant by Joe Francis who I thought was doing a dime in Alcatraz for not living up to the Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes code of conduct. Kim captioned the absolutely candid photo ‘#OurLovelyLadyLumps’ comparing Joe’s bastard twin babies brewing in a woman who lacks foresight  and Kim’s grotesquely manufactured ass cheeks. Or, you know, just a couple of Lovely Lady Lumps. I have to believe it’s photos like these that keep Jesus from coming back.

Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Kim Kardashian Fucks Hollywood App Raking in the Dough

By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 11:24 AM


Fuck you. Kim Kardashian wins again. Her simplistic mobile game designed for the multitude of morons in our midst is set to take in $200 million in revenue by year’s end. Kim’s take is estimated to be forty-percent of that. That’s Wall Street gangster money. In the game, mindless tools who found Farmville too complicated can now be Kim Kardashian, buying clothes, taking modeling gigs, and letting rappers bareback her for cash and popularity points.

In addition to her in-game audio commentary, she [Kim] provided a significant amount of creative feedback. She hand-selected the majority of the outfits, accessories, hairstyles, and other in-game items – and her deep involvement continues as we roll out updates and new content – from the aesthetics to new locations and features.
– Niccolo de Massi, CEO of Glu Mobile and dumbest luckiest person ever.

So about two hours of Kim suggesting, ‘how about she lets a famous black athlete finish on her tits and you get all your clothes that day for free’ earned Kim about $80 million. Ironically, the goal of the game is to buy, dress, fuck, and tan your way to become a Hollywood A-lister, an achievement that for all the money and crusty semen cheeks continues to elude Kim. But the pumpkin heads making in-game purchases in her app to become more popular like Kim could care less:

Being an A-list celebrity means you get more appearances, shoots and big opportunities such as being the face of a brand. This also means you get more money, which you can use to buy properties and new outfits that will help you level up, and gain more followers. I currently have over 50 million followers.
– Emy Sebagh, a top ranked Kardashian game player who doesn’t understand how people really see her

That’s wonderful, Emy. I’m sure your parents are wicked proud you turned down cosmetology school for the chance to blow their money achieving a dope ranking as a virtual Kim Kardashian whore. Personally, I’d body bag my own flesh and blood the minute I saw this app purchase on their iTunes account. But I’m a firm believer in eugenics. You get caught fucking a corpse, watching a Tyler Perry movie, or pretending to be Kim Kardashian and we remove your genitals and bury you deep inside Yucca Mountain. In four or five more generations the Kardashians will lose their natural audience.

Brit Claire Leeson Spent $30K To Look Like Kim Kardashian

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 2:30 PM

Claire Louise Leeson Twitter Photo
These tortured souls who mutilate their bodies to look like famous celebrity whores seem really unclear on the basics of causality. Kim Kardashian isn’t famous because she has big tits and an ass, she’s famous because Ray J spackled her tits and ass on camera and then Kim’s mom sold the sex act to Vivid for the price of her daughter’s mortal soul. My cousin found out the hard way you can’t put on a Superman costume and suddenly fly. He broke both his legs as a kid jumping off a roof with such belief. It’s not the cape that makes you fly, you moron on my mom’s side. Nor is it the jelly rocks that make you famous and beloved, or, you know, routinely polled as the most despicable celebrity.

I was badly bullied at school and it took me two years to realise that I wasn’t [what the bullies were calling me]. I was told every day that I was the ‘ugliest thing alive’ and I should ‘kill myself’.

Claire Leeson on high school bullying that led her to start her Kim K. transformation.

That’s some pretty harsh bullying. Still, your full menu of options in response can’t be suicide or $30,000 worth of plastic surgery to look like Kim Kardashian. That’s really just one option. What ever happened to pouring acid on your tormentors to make them uglier than you? I guess this is what happens in England where angry high school outcasts can’t get their hands on guns. I can only imagine the epic levels of frustration and self-hate that went into this horrible decision.

Photo Credit: Claire Louise Leeson/Twitter