By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Some autistic guy approached Kanye West and asked him to sign a photo of Kim Kardashian which had his crusted jizz on it. Embarrassingly enough the photo was from one of her weddings which got poor ratings and West refused to sign it. It’s a precarious situation. Nobody likes to think about Kris Humphries banging your wife or even playing basketball. If it’s any consolation they probably never fucked anyways. Normally I’d find this situation awkward. You don’t want to think about the other dicks your wife has had in her. It averages between 7.5 and 402 but Kim’s obviously higher on the curve. When there’s an easily accessible video of your lovely bride being bent over in good lighting it must be all the more difficult. If his marriage is real he should down some pills and finally pull the trigger.
Photo Credit: Youtube.com
By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 11:21 AM
When not saving the afflicted with just the tip of his one in the stink finger, Kanye West is designing bikinis. He asphyxiated four adult male foxes with the heel of his boot to create this merkin inspired bikini for his wife and then snapped away and shared with the world. Kanye first fell in love with Kim while watching Ray J pound her ass her on video and has never stopped loving her. Or wanting to see her lady parts stuffed on camera. Don’t believe what you hear about divorce rumors in the gossip rags, this marriage is only ending when death overtakes one or both. Preferably by vengeful widowed foxes with thousands of super sharp tiny fangs. I hope they take pictures and post.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 1:29 PM
Kim Kardashian’s soon to be released book of selfies entitled Selfish just picked its cover image. The final choices were tits, ass, and a photo of Kim working with disabled children, all of which were progressively more fake. They went with tits after market testing showed that for the past ten million years people have loved tits. According to the publisher, Satan, this book is going to contain some never before seen Kim Kardashian selfies. Just enough to cream to, not enough to fall in love.
Widely regarded as a trailblazer of the ‘selfie movement’ — a modern-day self-portrait of the digital age — Kim has mastered the art of taking flattering and highly personal photos of oneself. For the first time in print, this book presents some of Kim’s favorite selfies in one volume— from her favorite throwback images to current ultra-sexy glam shots— and provides readers with a behind-the-scenes look into this larger-than-life star.”
Then they called Kim Kardashian the modern day Marilyn Monroe because it’s more flattering than calling her a modern day piece of chewed up gum the world is trying desperately to scrape off its shoe. I’d mock this inanity more but then Kim would just show me how she scored another twenty million from the moderately retarded underclass and she’d pee on my shoes while screaming Payless and rubbing her clit with a live mink.
Photo Credit: Twitter/Instagram
By Lex January 12, 2015 @ 9:01 AM
It seems a tad bit racist that I have to strip down to my bare soul to get through TSA security while Kim Kardashian gets to tote all sorts of sub-dermal shit right on through. Precious metals, kilos of atomic number 14, centrifuged lipid cakes, one half of a brain borrowed from a cadaver buried behind a mental hospital. You could pack enough plastique into that fat cap to blow up Neverland. I thought the entire idea was we frisk everybody because terrorists are only going to be Middle Eastern males ninety-nine percent of the time. We just need one intercepted communique from Yemen that translates to ‘and the mighty whore shall ass bomb the Great Satan’ and the entire Kardashian clan goes no-fly list stat.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt January 09, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Rob Kardashian forgot his phone and his two thieving whore sisters used it to take selfies and posted them to his Instagram account as a prank. Except this isn’t real. Only half abandoned dropouts who were teething during The Love Boat could apply themselves and still come up with something this lame:
“I’m looking thru all of his text messages and WOW just WOW ladies.”
Wouldn’t any of the hypothetical texts in his phone be more interesting than your face, since we’ve seen all three of your holes too many times? Especially the worst one. At the very least he’s cheating on his diet or crying in the utility shed. There’s got to be some dirty in there. Maybe he killed JonBenet Ramsey. Still an improvement. Maybe he just convinced you to promote his Instagram account for him because nobody gives a shit. Equally as lame as the JonBenet thing. Have some respect next time Rob. The gun’s in the closet next to OJ’s bloody knife.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 9:22 AM
Charlie Sheen went on a Twitter rant while sober people were sleeping about an at best second hand story regarding Kim Kardashian. It centered around her reportedly denying a six year old girl an autograph. This is according to his friend C Thomas Howell who nobody knew had a drug problem until now, although it’s hard to discern if Sheen was talking to the actual Howell or shadow people. If the story is true the rant should be directed at the girl’s parents. Certainly Sheen is one to judge since he’s limited himself to a strict booze and porn regimen during court ordered supervised visits with his children. Either way it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t give a shit:
“You are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass… your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself. My apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day.”
TMZ reached out to Sheen, who got back to them right away since he’d been talking to the ants on his ceiling since his last speedball. He stood by his hatred of Kardashian even though he or his caretaker had since deleted his tweets:
“Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!”
It seems Sheen is picking on the one person in Hollywood more widely disregarded than himself. Maybe good crack is the shit and makes an honest man of you. Maybe she told him to fuck off when he drunkenly hit on her. Probably both. Either way, this is fun.
Photo Credit: Twitter