By Travis May 08, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Now that she’s a mom and an international fashion genius, Kim Kardashian (seen above, very enthused to be meeting Tom Hanks’ wife) suddenly feels an obligation to reach out to the less fortunate people, who haven’t built an empire on sucking Ray J’s dick. First, she offered some vague and meaningless parenting advice about how kids should be able to do whatever they want, so when North is old enough to ask why mommy married a guy for three months so she could get $17 million for a wedding, Kim can reply that every person is allowed to make decisions and then learn from mistakes.
But now she’s lending her annoying voice to the fight for equality in all walks of life, as she penned a very powerful blog post, entitled “On My Mind,” that shows that some topics are so important that they simply can’t wait for someone to use Google to learn Trayvon Martin’s name.
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By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Kim Kardashian cleared the air today on Twitter of several misnomers that are super important to her, and by the theory of paid vagina transference, are necessarily important to you as well.
1. Kim and Kanye did not get courthouse married before their Big Phat Fucking French Wedding. That was an untruth invented by her mom who has to lie every six hours or her skin becomes gelatinous and she starts smelling like burnt pine cones.
2. Kim and Kanye’s actual wedding will not be televised because it’s considered bad luck in Armenia to film a woman’s third marriage.
3. Don’t panic. There will still be ten thousand hours of right before and right after wedding footage on E! including Khloe devouring levels four through seven of the wedding cake and lamenting how black cock was supposed to give her babies.
4. Don’t believe any giant wedding guest list you’re seeing leaked online. The real guest list is small and being kept private since many of the names are foreign businessmen on Interpol watch lists.
5. The Kim wedding dress photos floating around the Internet are fakes. The real dress has been seen only by Kim and the Thai seamstress who was tapped to weave it out of unobtainium, and the latter was coincidentally on that Malaysian airliner that went missing.
First things first, I want my fucking Crate & Barrel salad bowl back. Also, I’m going to immediately stop referring to Kim as Mrs. Slutbag as I’ve been apparently miscalling her for a couple days now. I think it’s time we all realized that if we want honest and unfiltered information about the Kardashian family, their press team approved Tweets are where to look. You can’t just tack on exclamation points to things that aren’t true.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Travis May 06, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Last night, a bunch of beautiful famous people paid $25,000 and more to attend the Met Gala’s tribute to Charles James in New York City, and there were also many more people in attendance who both shouldn’t be famous and aren’t beautiful. Take Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, for example, as the couple stepped out as husband and wife for the first time so they could make some very serious faces for the photographers. Kim’s outfit was a bold change of direction for her, since she’d made showing off her tits a top priority ever since she gave birth to their daughter, North. Instead, she challenged people to move their eyes down her 4-foot tall body to focus on her leg and wonder whether or not she’d “accidentally” reveal her snatch. Of course, we’ve all seen that damn thing by now, so let’s just assume that she did and call this one another victory for sex tape stars.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
While Kim Kardashian won’t be having her lavish Parisian wedding until May 24, sharing her love and success with 200 of her closest friends and sex tape partners, the former Mrs. Kris Humphries and Mrs. Damon Thomas is now the current Mrs. Kanye West, according to the state of California. Kim and Kanye reportedly made her third marriage official last week by obtaining their license, but it still won’t be assholish celebrity official until they can profit from the “private” photos of their ceremony like any good celebrity and narcissist would do. According to Life and Style, their ceremony and reception will even feature multiple wardrobe changes, so that Kim can remind everyone that she thinks she’s a fashion icon, because she lets designers give her free shit, while also keeping the focus right where she prefers it – directly on her tits.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Jack April 25, 2014 @ 12:28 PM
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have to get married three times. The two narcissistic walking genitalia are planning a ridiculously over-the-top wedding in France. But they have to also get married in a civil ceremony in California and an additional civil wedding in France before their fuck-off religious service. I guarantee you that she is going to make these two legal formalities huge fucking televised affairs. I don’t see Kim Kardashian settling for a simple standard civil ceremony. She’ll probably buy three designer dresses and in Kardashian custom, beg her new husband to travel back in time to 1997 and rob her anal teen cherry so he can own her completely. I’m not sure if she’ll require three divorces from Kanye once all the People magazine and E! TV checks have cleared and she’s no longer getting a press bump from being married. We’ll know in about sixteen months.