E! To Pay For Kim And Kanye’s Unholy Union

By Jack January 28, 2014 @ 4:46 PM

The E! channel has graciously offered to pick up the multimillion dollar tab for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s wedding. It’s sort of a tradition really when the bride’s on her third husband, her dad is dead, and a dozen TV executives are paying for their kids braces off the antics of the small-headed ass-model in question. The whole things is going to be shot for a very special episode of the Kardashian family reality show, Cunts on Parade. This way the network can control all the logistics of the event and they don’t have to worry that Kanye will do something stupid like ride in on musthing elephant that mauls half the congregation. Instead, he can ride up in a Mini-Cooper chalked up with a Kotex presenting sponsorship advertisement. The wedding will be held somewhere outside of Paris but not in Versailles like Satan’s favorite couple had desired, But expect it to be a place that sounds magical, but only to be truly made so with the enchantment of the couple’s first ass-to-mouth encounter without a prophylactic dental dam. I always cry at weddings.

Kim Kardashian Wraps Herself in Fat-Protective Carbon Mesh

By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 3:34 PM

Kim Kardashian Wears A See Through Shirt Out In Los Angeles
In addition to reining in the copious amounts of body fat that you can’t photoshop out in real life, Kim Kardashian’s new carbon mesh containment system (CMCS) protects her from shark attack and skin-to-skin gonorrhea. It also renders her radar signature to be half her native size, so 2’6″ and 75 pounds when nobody in the family is cycling. Kim whipped out her superhero costume for a big meeting in Beverly Hills where smart people would use the word ‘strumpet’ so that Kim wouldn’t realize they were talking about her as she dumbly nodded and held her breath. Even carbon mesh has its tensile limits.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

It’s Possible The Kardashians Are Big Fucking Liars

By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 5:31 PM

Kim Kardashian made a splash on Jimmy Kimmel last night, mostly to show the advancements in girdle technology that allow her to look less like a chattering crocus bulb. Being a talk show, Kim had to rehearse some spoken words beyond just ‘Kanye, go kill him!’ and ‘I get five dollars to make you holler, Mister”. So she played sympathetic sister, speaking of how badly broken Khloe Kardashian was by discovering that the man she knew for nearly four hours before marriage was secretly a crack smoking whoremonger with mental health issues. Kim insisted that despite what you saw on the show, Khloe never really wanted to make a baby with Lamar because she knew he was troubled. So, all those sympathetic condolences from her family on her lack of pregnancy, and those trips to the fertility clinics, Khloe actually skipped those. Well don’t I feel pretty fucking stupid for sobbing along with Khloe’s barren womb all these years. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Kim Kardashian’s Breasts Make Her A Great Mom

By Travis January 24, 2014 @ 1:40 PM

Because it’s all she apparently does now, Kim Kardashian went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday with her baby and the rapper that gifted it to her in exchange for her soul. More importantly, Kim was in full-on mom mode, proving her haters and critics wrong by showing that not only can she take care of her baby and remove her from a car while Kanye West stands there and looks like a disinterested asshole, but she can also properly place a towel over the stroller to keep North West away from the harmful sun. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if she accidentally knocked the stroller over and a bunch of empty cans fell out, and Kim had to admit that she left her baby in a Gucci store months ago.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kanye And Kim’s Breasts Had Date Night

By Travis January 22, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Poor Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. They must be so sad that they were denied the chance to get married at Versailles and put their own exclamation point on their obnoxious insistence that they’re somehow American royalty, since he became famous as a rapper and she became famous for blowing one. But they put on their bravest faces and Kim squeezed her tits into her happiest dress after attending some Fashion Week crap in Paris so they could have a nice, private date night out. After all, nothing shows the world that you just don’t give a fuck what everyone thinks like a pair of leather pants and your woman’s tits flapping in the breeze.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim and Kanye Denied a Versailles Wedding

By Lex January 21, 2014 @ 6:19 PM

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Lunch In Paris
if fairytales involved smugness and sexual obsession and pandering and mental illness and cynical promotion and out of wedlock babies, then Kim and Kanye would be a fairytale romance for the ages. And where else to host a fairytale wedding but a palace in France. Though recently denied their destiny on earth to be married at Versailles, Kim and Kanye continue to tour France for palacial venue options for a pre-sold TV packaged wedding of the century. France affords the the spectacle of a grand European wedding without the nuisance of outstanding battery and assault charges on the groom. Also, most of the men Kim has used and conned through the years live in the U.S. so they’re unlikely to scream out ‘Because she’s a fucking whore!’ in the audience when the minister asks that ‘If anyone knows a reason…’ question. It could only be more fairytale perfect if these two human stains were consumed by dragon fire.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com