Kim And Kanye Want To Get Married At Versailles

By Jack December 04, 2013 @ 1:55 PM

Kim and Kanye reaaaally want to have their wedding at Versailles. Yes, THAT Versailles. The over-the-top golden palace of the Bourbon kings of France. I mean, where else would the lord Yessiah and his cum dumpster queen get married than at the most famous palace on Earth? It’s unclear whether the Frogs will let the couple marry on the grounds of the national landmark. at least not without denouncing America and pretending French comedies are the least bit funny. It’s strangely fitting in a way. Much like Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI these two are largely hated for their ridiculous lifestyle and general dickery. Also like the two rotting royals, they seem completely oblivious to the fact that everyone wants to see their heads roll down a wooden platform and into a basket while painted midgets dance and traveling minstrels play the lute. Let them eat Khloe.

Kim Kardashian Inexplicably Not Such a Great Mom

By Jack December 02, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

 

America’s favorite baby mama, Kim Kardashian, is tired of people saying she is a shitty mother. Ever since she yelped out Kanye West’s bastard child from her lower gaping maw in June, she’s seems to have gone on with her life as if nothing happened. She still follows Kanye around on tour like a groupie star banger, taking selfies in the bathroom without her underpants on before shows. In response to some Twitter follower accusing her of not spending enough time with daughter North West, she replied with,

“@jlmcbryde u sound so ignorant. Bc I don’t tweet or instagram my every move w my daughter means I am not with her 247? We share what we want. Or is it bc I go support my fiance at every show & I post pix? When the baby goes down 4 bed or a nap, parents are allowed 2 work & support each other, maybe even have fun too.”

Yes, you marble-brained phonetic speller. This is all hate on you for being a supportive working mom. And you’re only leaving your kid when she’s napping. Like when she conveniently napped for a week so you could go to Paris Fashion Week and get free samples. Or the seven hour power naps she takes thrice daily to allow you time to make up and wardrobe your reality show jaunts. It’s wonderful how you travel with your baby daddy to support his show because Kanye really needs your constant care. In contrast. infants have been found surviving in natural disaster rubble almost forty-eight hours on their own provided temperatures don’t drop in the evenings.

The Kardashians Released Their Christmas Card

By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.

Photo Credits: E!

Kanye Says Kim And Not Kate Upton Is The New Marilyn Monroe

By Jack November 28, 2013 @ 12:52 PM

Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,

“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”

Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.

Kanye Says Kim’s Reality Show Promotes Interracial Relationships

By Jack November 27, 2013 @ 4:51 PM

Kanye West defended his baby mama Kim Kardashian’s vapid TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians as promoting interracial relationships. Our lord and saviour Yeezus was on “The Pablo Show” on a Washington D.C. radio station when the subject of Kim’s crappy show came up. According to Kanye, the fact that the Kardashian girls fetishize black men like it’s going out of style helps interracial marriages:

“I’d like to point out that I feel that ‘The Cosby Show’ that I grew up on is part of the reason why America was prepped to accept, you know, a middle class black family in that way. And a lot of what the Kardashians do that I don’t think they get enough credit, is they prep America to understand interracial relationships.”

Um, I doubt it. I think the last thing that anyone thinks about that show is that the Kardshians boning black dudes is groundbreaking. Or the idea of using sex for fame and fortune, out of wedlock babies, messy ugly divorces, and trying to scheme famous athletes and celebrities into joining in the publicity fest. None of this is new. But I’m happy that Kanye has found a completely baseless positive to think about Kim and her family. It probably means he will beat her less when shit goes south within the year.

Kim Kardashian Turns a Buck Off Dead Filipinos

By Lex November 25, 2013 @ 5:36 PM

When opportunity knocks, Kim Kardashian doesn’t just answer, she greases up her lady squeaker, spreads her legs akimbo, and trips opportunity right into making her a baby. When the earthquake hit Haiti, Kim used it as a primary centerpiece to divert attention away from her sham marriage to Kris Humphreys. While the press wanted to talk fraud, Kim was in Port-au-Prince passing out Kardashian Khaos gift cards to the starving kids in case they were ever in Vegas and in need of costume jewelry. With Typhoon Haiyan, Kim sniffed herself an even bigger opportunity to snatch a piece for herself. She gathered up a bunch of designer swag she’d been gifted and held an auction on Ebay  to raise money for typhoon relief charities, with proceeds going…

“directly to the communities they’re serving in the Philippines and will help typhoon survivors get access to medical care and ultimately save lives. My prayers and thoughts are with those affected by the typhoon. Check out my eBay auction here and support those who need our help in the Philippines. Xo.” — Kim trolling for donors on her website.

With Kim, it’s hard to say which are less powerful, her thoughts or her prayers. Still, she was giving both out. What Kim probably absentmindedly forgot to mention was that she was taking a 90% gross percentage off the top for being fucking awesome. Medical aid for the dying Filipinos receiving ten percent. Even Gordon Gekko rose to call Kim a horrible greedy bitch. Sure, there are those of you who will say 10-percent is better than nothing, but that’s just because you’re still staring at her tits thinking you got a shot.