Word is out that Kim Kardashian felt heartsick that Kris Humphreys never believed she loved him and that their wedding was just a financial scam for reality TV. So she wanted to set up a Skype chat with Kris to apologize to him, make it right, and let him know she really did love him for all seventy-two days of their marriage. Well, maybe like the first sixty before the People magazine check cleared and she secretly schemed to file divorce papers. Kris was apparently considering talking to Kim, until he realized she wanted to air the Skype chat on The Kardashians reality show. You know, to maybe help other couples in similar multimillion dollar wedding-scam Skype apology situations. Kris Humphreys is a stupid man, but he’s not a really really stupid man. So he told Kim to take a hike. And Kim was left to feign distraught solo over her divorce for the reality crew cameras. I know it’s not nice to call a new mother a callous fame-seeking lying whore. So I won’t.
Kris Jenner, the crusty vaginal font of all things Kardashian, said that she doesn’t think her new granddaughter will be picked on at school for her name. Kris was on Watch What Happens Live on Wednesday and gay Muppet host Andy Cohen asked her if she thought that lil’ North was going to be mocked by kids in school because, you know, her name is fucking stupid, her mom is a porn star, and her dad, by this point, has moved on to lower maintenance women. Kris said that she didn’t think kids would make fun of North because,
“You don’t walk around saying, ‘Hi, North West.’ You walk around saying, ‘Hi North’ or whatever her nickname may end up being.”
Um, no. Since Kris Jenner hasn’t been in school in many years and denied her own girls that same experience, she just doesn’t understand how school playgrounds work. First of all kids are fucking assholes and they’ll make fun of your name even if it’s something normal like Bob or Stephanie, (Bob Slob or Stepher Heifer, for example). What do you think growing up with the name Jack was like? Being called things like Jackass, Jackoff, Jack-O-Lantern, etc were almost daily occurrences. Even if you don’t say the full name of North West, just North is pretty fucking stupid. It’s a direction not a name and it especially sounds weird on a girl. It’s not going to take many clever school bully minutes before this girl is being called North Stew, Wicked Bitch of the North, Great Half-White North, and other names I’m going to whisper to the little kids in her school to help them torment the Kardashian-West baby. Whatever doesn’t kill her will only make her richer.
Bearing her rapper boyfriend’s bastard baby has changed Kim Kardashian. So we are told. So much so that when some Australian magazine offered her $3 million for first photos of her stupidly named daughter, Kim said nay. She and Kanye do not want their offspring living a life in front of the camera. By that she means, try $5 million. My guess is People magazine. But, before you call Kim a singularly-focused money-grubbing ass whore, again, the couple has indicated that proceeds will all go to charity. Like Khloe’s and Lamar’s stomach cancer research charity where none of the money raised has gone to cancer research. So, actually, the opposite of that this time. Then, finally, the Kardashian name shall be synonymous with selflessness, community, and giving. As Robert always wanted, or at least promised himself as he was finding a place to hide O.J.’s bloody clothes and knife.
Soon-to-be talk show host and woman who would burn an entire orphanage to the ground for attention, Kris Jenner, was on The View yesterday to discuss, among other crap, how her cash cow daughter, Kim Kardashian, just named her newborn baby North West. Kris claimed that Kim and Kanye West picked that name because north means “highest power” and this is the “highest point” of their relationship. At the very least, this is great because it means the beginning of the end.
But even better was Kris acting like the name isn’t stupid because, “You don’t walk around calling somebody, ‘Hi North West!’” Yes you most certainly do. When someone has a stupid name like that, you say it repeatedly, every day of every week until she eventually tries to murder her parents. Not that I’ve thought about it.
By now we all know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their womb ferret North West. But why? Why, of all the names in the whole world did they pick a fucking direction as a name? Was it simply to make a stupid pun? According to sources close to the obnoxious couple, it’s a metaphor…a stupid, lame, nonsensical metaphor. They claim that it is inspirational rather than directional. The sources say, “They chose the name North because they see it as a metaphor for “up”, telling friends, “What’s North of North? Nothing.” They also say that the little shit factory is their “highest point” together, their northernmost point. Wow, that’s even stupider than if it was just a bad joke.
First of all, “up” and “north” are not the same thing. It would seem that they missed that day in 2nd grade in which they taught the kids about directions. It’s not surprising as the two of them are basically 2 IQ points away from shitting their Prada pants and wondering what that funny smell is. And “What’s North of North?” is also nonsense. North isn’t a place. It’s not like Santa’s living room in the North Pole is the spot to which all compasses are calibrated or some shit. I guess it’s sweet that they think of this kid as the zenith of their love and not just like a drunken accident that happened because Kanye didn’t pull out in time.
North West. That’s what Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their bastard daughter. There had been rumors since March that they would name the baby North, but Kim denied it. You know, because it’s fucking stupid. But I guess she gave in to the pressure exerted by Kanye West’s ego to make a geographical direction about him. I bet he thought he was real fucking clever when he came up with it too. “Yo, Kim. You know how, like, my name is West? And how, like, there is a south and northwest? Yo, I’m'a ’bout to blow yo mind: we call the baby North West! I am such a fuckin’ genius, bitch!”
No. No, you’re not. You are a douche. Celebrities love to give their kids stupid names not imagining what kind of impact it will have. I can just imagine what the name North will one day evoke. Waiters and household staff will be tormented by this child and they will curse the name of North. Her and Blue Ivy Carter will blow into Bergdorfs and the employees will say, “Fuck! It’s that North bitch and her friend Blue.” Your GPS will say things like, “Head North, like Kimye’s bitch daughter, and turn left at…”.
You might be saying, “But she’s a baby, how can you call her a bitch?” She is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. It is genetically impossible for her to be anything less than the worst person on Earth. Let’s skip the pleasantries.