Charlie Sheen Slams Kim Kardashian, Why Not

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

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Charlie Sheen went on a Twitter rant while sober people were sleeping about an at best second hand story regarding Kim Kardashian. It centered around her reportedly denying a six year old girl an autograph. This is according to his friend C Thomas Howell who nobody knew had a drug problem until now, although it’s hard to discern if Sheen was talking to the actual Howell or shadow people. If the story is true the rant should be directed at the girl’s parents. Certainly Sheen is one to judge since he’s limited himself to a strict booze and porn regimen during court ordered supervised visits with his children. Either way it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t give a shit:

“You are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass… your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself. My apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day.”

TMZ reached out to Sheen, who got back to them right away since he’d been talking to the ants on his ceiling since his last speedball. He stood by his hatred of Kardashian even though he or his caretaker had since deleted his tweets:

“Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!”

It seems Sheen is picking on the one person in Hollywood more widely disregarded than himself. Maybe good crack is the shit and makes an honest man of you. Maybe she told him to fuck off when he drunkenly hit on her. Probably both. Either way, this is fun.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Sell Jeans

By Lex December 24, 2014 @ 9:19 AM

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Pose Together For Balmain Ads
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, damn, I’d love to splash chowder across Kim Kardashian’s tits over the hood of my car then buy myself some $2600 French man trousers, this advertisement is for you. I say it’s even sexier because a loving husband and his still wife are playing master and servant. Third marriages based in blind greed and anal cream pies are hot. French haute couture suddenly becomes relatable when you add in Kanye West ball stank.

Photo Credit: Balmain/Balawa/AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Jugs Are Her Curriculum Vitae

By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 10:55 AM

Kim Kardashian Wears Tight Grey Outfit While Walking To Her Range Rover In LA
Sometimes, you see somebody getting out of a six-figure car and you think to yourself, I wonder how they got so big. There’s no need for questions with Kim Kardashian. I like that about her. That dwarf can be stationed any of of the possible 360 degrees of rotation and you can at least spot how she afforded the custom Rover. If her cracks could speak, you’d learn about the origins of the remainder of her fortune. It’s all right there. Like an eager graduate with a stack of resumes hitting the interviews in his dad’s suit. Only, Kim didn’t graduate, though she is likely wearing something from stepdad’s closet.

Photo Credit: INF

I Always Knew Less People Gave A Shit

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

Kim Kardashian Posts A Selfie To Instagram

Instagram notified a bunch of celebrities their accounts were being Purged, meaning some of their bogus followers were being deleted. Kim Kardashian lost 1.3 million pretend fans in a few hours, Rihanna 1.2, and Katy Perry 300,000 because her people are wholesome and less like obvious Spam Bots. Humans are easily swayed. You tell them you’re popular and just like that you are. Let alone you don’t do anything besides get pearl necklaced on Beta or cut a hook you didn’t write every few years give or take. Paying for followers is highly necessary when you’re dramatically uninteresting. I’m convinced David Spade did this with actual women in the late 1980′s. This is a new generation. Fake it till you make it. Then keep faking it and deny your popularity is not only greatly exaggerated but also based on a vast conspiracy called taking one of those free classes on Social Networking at the Apple Store.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Divinely Fat

By Matt December 11, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

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Kim Kardashian believes God was trying to teach her a lesson when she gained fifty pounds while pregnant and it had nothing to do with her Immaculate Consumption of Ben & Jerry’s or gluten free Dorritos Locos. In fact Kim was so fatigued during the process she couldn’t even formulate an intelligent sentence:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’”

I don’t get God’s motivation here. If he’s in this to create moralistic anecdotes he would have downed you and your husband’s private jet in front of a Vietnamese sweatshop in a blaze of glory while some village kid put a cell phone in your hand and blasted selfies of your toasted corpse all over Twitter. This is precisely what happens when a whore gets some religion. Not enough to change her ways, just enough to make her think God spends half his day focused on her twat.

Photo Credit: Getty Images/FameFlynet/INF

Kim Kardashian Less Relevant When Clothed

By Lex December 05, 2014 @ 9:31 AM

Kim Kardashian Looks Chesty For Paper Magazine Issue Release In Miami
Kim Kardashian showed up dressed to celebrate the release of that magazine that ran her naked Photoshopped pictures, the clothes rendering herself instantly nine times less worthwhile than baseline. Kim Kardashian has been gifted the talent of being shamelessly naked and covered in oil, or spunk, if you can happen to afford the platinum package. Forsaking her gift runs the risk of angering the gods who tapped who with the whore stick and declared her human tit candy. Curses range from the inability to utter polysyllabic words to spending your life with a large cock buried in your dumper. There is no resort spa where Fate won’t find you, Kim.

Photo Credit: INF/Getty