By Lex October 26, 2015 @ 9:53 AM
Deciphering a Kardashian public relations event takes several layers of investigation, followed by an antibiotic cycle and a six molar bleach bath. According to their press release, Kim Kardashian flew in every single “fan” she follows on social media to her birthday luncheon. She has sixty million followers. She follows about ten of them which kept her bill at the Four Seasons semi-reasonable. The fans came from all around the world with the only similarity being their disassociation with any real emotional connection in their lives.
Several of the ladies interviewed referred to Kim Kardashian as their best friend or explained how deeply they related with her, mutually, naturally. That’s something you learn on the first day of stalker school. The chick who changed her name to Amanda Kardashian to be one of the sisters summed up the psychosis with her heart emojis and her undying gratitude. Which came in handy as each of the ten blue placard brained women were assigned somebody to assassinate who’s been bugging Kim. Like Manchurian Candidates, but with body issues. For her part, Kim wore a prophylactic that covered her entire body, which is more protection than she uses when fucking the city garage guy so she gets free parking at the airport.
The afternoon affair ended and everybody agreed it was the best day of their life and they should all do it again next year. Except for Kim who was paying the bill so it’s never going to happen ever again.
Photo credit: Twitter
By Lex October 19, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
The good news, you’re alive. The bad news, you’re still married to Khloe Kardashian and she’s gnawing the dried remains of hooker girl juice off your right thigh. Lamar Odom regained consciousness in his Vegas hospital thanks to the adrenaline needle Kris Jenner plunged into his heart when E! producers chided that the Odom coma shots were super boring. The Kardashian family jetted back and forth between parties and appearances in Los Angeles to the Sunrise Hospital dressed in all black because the Whore Scouts teaches you always be prepared for a live TV eulogy special.
Kim Kardashian credited the power of prayer for bringing Lamar back to the world of the living. Members of the Kardashian family and a bunch of other chicks from their spinoff reality shows hit social media pretty hard with all caps religious shoutouts for the man they call ‘Lammy’. Lamar put on a brave face in his hospital bed and focused hard on the two emotionally damaged girls he spent three days ass fucking at the ranch. Does anybody know if this oxygen mask has a crack smoke setting? I’m going to need a bus schedule back to the ranch.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex September 16, 2015 @ 10:25 AM
There’s two ways to look at the Kardashians. One is drunk and fapping to their squat fat naked whorish frames. That’s my usual. The second is to admire their sheer brassy money making balls tucked deep enough into their collective bank account that you have to call them them the raping railroad barons of the 21st century. Still, I go with the whacking.
The Kardashian and Jenner girls have teamed up with a web enterprise to create premium sites for their individual personalities. For just $2.99 a month, each, you can visit Kim’s site to learn about makeup and fashion and see her titties, visit Kylie’s to learn about the latest in teen trends and fucking older black dudes bareback, and Khloe’s to learn about hardcore fitness and waist training and how to abort a fetus with a KFC spork. I’m not trash talking. I’m admiring. Fuck. Just how much money are these Hoovers going to suck in from young girls? It’s almost unimaginable. Though imagine another $40 million a year and you’ll be close.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian West
By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 9:14 AM
Miley Cyrus is overachieving. Like Rudy, if everybody agreed they would fuck Rudy if nobody else would ever find out. She can’t sing, but she’s a multi-platinum recording artist. She’s not sexy, but she’s become the go-to girl on sexuality. Her tits wouldn’t make first round cuts as minor league hockey ice girl, but she’s using them to make herself the top searched name on Google. There have been inexplicable one hit wonders before, but nothing that ever had this much staying power.
Cyrus stepped up in a bit with Interview magazine where she Facetimed naughty pictures to a photographer and they called it novel. Kim Kardashian heard what was going on and whipped off her top and got into the mix. I’m pretty sure she was not on-contract, she just instinctively knows when this shit is going down. There are more famous chicks involved in this magazine spread, but only Cyrus flashed her titties. She’s throwing off the entire natural order of pretty girls finishing first. Soon, gazelles will be consuming lions and the NBA will be dominated by white guys with Arcade Fire walk-up music. Chaos serves nobody. There have to be a couple open bunks at Guantanamo. I’ll start the Change.org petition.
Photo Credit: Interview Magazine
By Matt August 12, 2015 @ 7:38 AM
Kim Kardashian has been shilling some morning sickness pill in her vapid social media posts, leading the Food and Drug Administration to step in and tell her to stop doing it and also you’re spreading a new strain of syphilis to ISIS. It’s called the Geneva Convention. The posts are apparently in violation because they don’t mention the side effects of the drugs or of listening to Kim’s thoughts:
“I tried changing things about my lifestyle, like my diet, but nothing helped, so I talked to my doctor. He prescribed me #Diclegis, and I felt a lot better and most importantly, it’s been studied and there was no increased risk to the baby.”
When you’ve been mainlining rapper dick into your ass since your friend’s bat mitzvah days not a lot gets passed you. Kardashian’s bloodstream is literally Chiraq. Your average expectant mother might not be as lucky. Diclegis is manufactured by Canadian pharmaceutical company Duchesnay. If you think it’s safe for your child realize its spokeswoman is Kim Kardashian. Are you nauseous from the pregnancy or the Miami Diarrhea? We’ll give you the Magic Johnson special. That jizz is going straight to your glutes.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 11, 2015 @ 10:03 AM
Kim Kardashian responded to imaginary critics of her pregnant body by posting naked photos of herself. It’s reflexive. The last time her mechanic told her she needed an oil change, she fucked seven guys at three different Jiffy Lubes. Jaime King cried and threatened to drive her newborn off a cliff. Kris Jenner distributed the nude pregnancy pictures to emirs in Dubai for a tribute contest. In the game of ridiculous whoring, the rules are pretty flimsy.
Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI