Kim Kardashian Thrown On Trash Heap

By Matt July 10, 2015 @ 7:11 AM


Kim Kardashian did a photo shoot for some Euro trash website looking like a dead hooker who just got dumped out of the trunk of a Buick. It appears she has gone from having a fat ass to having a fat ass. Like she’s overweight. We’re talking 4’8″ 170. Her incredibly not gay husband is thrilled. We’ve all had that moment at the parent teacher conference while nodding to ourselves. It all makes sense now. Let’s assume all Kim Kardashian has going for her is her looks. She’s fucked. I’ve seen hotter ass in a Barstow Chili’s. In the kitchen. At closing time. On Christmas. Perhaps this signifies the end to an illustrious career of being a mute whore. Fill it in, boys! Kanye needs to hit the bath house.

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Kardashian Sisters Form a Sexually Up For Anything Megazord

By Lex July 09, 2015 @ 10:52 AM

Kardashians Unite In White
The Kardashian sisters stick together through their first three marriages and first five abortions. It’s liturgy repeated since their tween days deadlifting kettle-bells with their sphincter muscles in the family dojo. Seeing the fat injected sisters in tight white was like an erection gun for the inner city summer.  Also, a green band trailer for those going to Armenian heaven. It we’d yanked their reproductive parts from the outset, this might be simply amusing. Walking away into the sunset is not an option. Leg shaking creampies into the gutter seems more realistic. Girls will be girls.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian’s Master Class And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 01, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Toiletry bag item Kim Kardashian gave her lecture on the objectification of women and other topics thereby being further legitimized. She talked about what it was like to be used as spank material and what the best lighting is for a selfie. She also says that she didn’t go to college and turned out all right. Let that sink in.

Read some of Kim’s pearls of wisdom. (Huffington Post)

Kate Mara let’s her titties hang out all over the place for Esquire. (Egotastic)

Enrique Iglesias gets arrested for being muy sexy…and driving without a license. (TMZ)

Heidi Klum in lingerie is still highly wankable. (Drunken Stepfather)

Who knew Chrissy Teigen’s fake ass tits could still get erect nips? (Hollywood Tuna)

Josephine Skriver in a swimsuit makes my mouth water. (Popoholic)

Who says sports fans can’t be friggin’ sexy? (The Chive)

Kim Kardashian Prepares to Breast Feed London

By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

Kim Kardashian Major See Through Cleavage In London
Seeing Kim Kardashian play London with her pregnancy boobs reminds us that hookers don’t get maternity leave. I’m sure SCOTUS is on that. If Kim’s tits disappear from public view for more than twenty-four hours, she ceases to be a real girl and goes back to being a wood carving on an old man’s nightstand covered in decades of jizz. Quick, somebody say what a good mom she is so we can nod our heads and pretend we’re decent folk. Where’s the baby again? Just kidding. Nice dress.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Ted Talks

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 10:37 AM


NPR listeners were outraged when Kim Kardashian was invited on the station to speak intelligently, causing NPR listeners to not be able to casually mention that brilliant thing they heard this morning on NPR to their friends, rendering the entire listening process moot. Now Kardashian is launching a series of ‘Kim talks’ where she engages and educates audiences around the globe with her business and social insights for $300 a head.

On June 30th she’ll be in Oakland discussing the objectification of women in the media, because she earnestly believes Zeus is out of thunderbolts. This week she launched her informative talks at the International Festival of Creativity in Cannes sharing her social media zeitgeist including the revelation that “I’m really into Twitter these days”. Then she laughed at the fact that she was collecting three hundred bucks from people without having to put their dirty cocks in her mouth and demanded a bucket of American style liquid cheese. The world is Kim’s oyster. If you pay $500 for the VIP seating, you get three minutes and a prophylactic dental dam to find the pearl.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kim And Kanye Spawning

By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 7:13 AM


Kim Kardashian and her super not gay husband are having another child. The people who found the God Particle continue donating to Planned Parenthood. Kim has another eight months of being club hot and you can’t wash jizz out of your hair forever plus your ass hurts. Hopefully it will be a boy so Jaden Smith can introduce him to gender fluidity over gluten free latkas. I don’t know what fluidity means but neither to the people who say it. Why is there lube in your Christmas stocking? You see how chartered planes crash on the news all the time but it’s never like in a romantic comedy when you know the people. I can’t do the math but we’re fucked. At least Michael Jackson had the decency to wring out his sheets. I rarely pray but let there be a fucking earthquake.

Photo Credit: Instagram