By Lex August 11, 2015 @ 10:03 AM
Kim Kardashian responded to imaginary critics of her pregnant body by posting naked photos of herself. It’s reflexive. The last time her mechanic told her she needed an oil change, she fucked seven guys at three different Jiffy Lubes. Jaime King cried and threatened to drive her newborn off a cliff. Kris Jenner distributed the nude pregnancy pictures to emirs in Dubai for a tribute contest. In the game of ridiculous whoring, the rules are pretty flimsy.
Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI
By Matt August 10, 2015 @ 8:30 AM
Kim Kardashian is pregnant with another person whose life expectancy is 37. You can only be a shitty moron once removed. Plus they’re developing new pills. Apparently when you get pregnant your tits get really big and swollen which in no way compensates for your distended gut. Are you craving ice cream because of the hormones or because society has declared you’re allowed to? I’ll say it, you’re taking advantage. Had we not already seen Kim Kardashian getting fucked doggystyle by an aspiring rapper as her gaping asshole pulsed to the amateur background music this might be somewhat revealing. As is you’re more or less trying to sell us a car we’ve already driven. If that metaphor doesn’t make sense realize the fact we know her name doesn’t either. The children are our future. Casualties.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 24, 2015 @ 1:22 PM
Ryan Seacrest hosted a high school graduation party for Kylie Jenner where he pretended he liked girls and Kylie pretended Laurel Springs is a real place. Laurel Springs High School diplomas are the Hollywood equivalent of becoming a Universal Life Church minister so you can marry your buddy to his girlfriend in Laughlin before the baby shows. Only instead of fifteen bucks and a valid email address this one requires twenty grand and a valid email address.
“Laurel Springs gave me a solid education and the flexibility to continue to film my Nickelodeon TV show, “iCarly,” while establishing my recording career. All my coursework was interesting and challenging and the teachers were great. “– Miranda Cosgrove, proud Laurel Springs alum.
At the graduation party, Kylie herself was quick to point out that graduation was not an end to her education, but a stepping stone to a life of learning. Then somebody added ‘… about big black cock’ and everybody had a good laugh and used the Laurel Springs diploma to roll a blunt. Consider the Arthur Ashe Courage Award 2016 already sewn up.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
Kim Kardashian crawling out of a ditch is a reminder of just how poor serial killers have become at finishing off their truck stop prey. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore. It’s possible the scent of money brought her back from the great whore beyond. It’s like watching our primordial ancestors first take to land. In six months this will be Bruce exiting the same ditch in similar wardrobe. That dent in my head is where I got hit with my own courage award. No, I’m not pressing charges. I’ve never cum so hard in my life.
Photo Credit: System Magazine
By Lex July 15, 2015 @ 10:06 AM
Sinead O’Connor has declared Kim Kardashian’s tits on the cover of Rolling Stone magazines as an official end to music as we know it. in the very least, O’Connor seems to have missed Rolling Stone covers of the Boston Marathon bomber looking like a sexy James Dean and fake campus rape articles. Though it’s hard to disagree with the general premise that Kim Kardashian on anything but your dick wrapped in three condoms and a polyurethane dental dam is a bad thing. O’Connor ranted on her Facebook page followed only by people who don’t like themselves very much:
What is this cunt doing on the cover of Rolling Stone? Music has officially died. Who knew it would be Rolling Stone that murdered it? Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh can no longer be expected to take all the blame. Bob Dylan must be fucking horrified. #BoycottRollingStone #AGenerationIsBeingGroomedAndSilenced.
Bob Dylan is stoned out of his gourd humping a young model wondering why you brought his name into this. Music is a business. Rolling Stone isn’t doing so well in the business. If your bald ass moved copies like Kim Kardashian, you’d be on the cover. The notion that twenty years ago there was integrity in music when people were still buying your music is convenient revisionist history. You were big when the teen girls loved you. Now they love Miley Cyrus and Kim Kardashian’s well-heeled tits. Boo fucking hoo. Would another Mumford and Sons cover make you shut your yap? Don’t go away angry, just go the fuck away. Now then, Kim, where were we. Yes, the lathering of the iodine on the genitals. My favorite part.
By Matt July 10, 2015 @ 7:11 AM
Kim Kardashian did a photo shoot for some Euro trash website looking like a dead hooker who just got dumped out of the trunk of a Buick. It appears she has gone from having a fat ass to having a fat ass. Like she’s overweight. We’re talking 4’8″ 170. Her incredibly not gay husband is thrilled. We’ve all had that moment at the parent teacher conference while nodding to ourselves. It all makes sense now. Let’s assume all Kim Kardashian has going for her is her looks. She’s fucked. I’ve seen hotter ass in a Barstow Chili’s. In the kitchen. At closing time. On Christmas. Perhaps this signifies the end to an illustrious career of being a mute whore. Fill it in, boys! Kanye needs to hit the bath house.
Photo Credit: System-Magazine.com