Kim Kardashian Cropped

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

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Kim Kardashian’s likeness was blurred out of an ultra-orthodox newspaper in Israel because super religious Jews believe that pictures of skin revealing women inherently make them seem like whores. You could argue the general religious point, but since the actual example is Kim Kardashian, it’s hard to argue against the specific. Kanye and Kim were in Israel to have their toddler christened at the site of Jesus’ crucifixion. Also to have tons of footage of them christening their toddler. While in Jerusalem they met with the city’s mayor who was interested in their thoughts on housing policy against a backdrop of a multi-ethnic urban environment.. Also, he just had to know if Kanye puts Kim in an injured horse harness when he fucks her. Really, people around the world think very similar thoughts.

Photo Credit: Twitter/FameFlynet

Kanye West Impromptu Swan

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Kim Kardashian prompted her social media assistant to Tweet that Kanye West jumped out of bed to perform a concert in the Armenian capital city. That crazy impetuous fool.

Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he’s doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!

Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don’t fare well. Kim hasn’t thrown on sweats and headed out since she was eleven and her mom sewed her phone number onto the ass with an implied blow job logo.

Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!

Take a breath, Nell McGill, ace reporter for the Junior High Bee. The lake is  a foot deep. It’s called a fountain. The authorities shut down the obviously unplanned event when spectators jumped into the water either out of enthusiasm or in an effort to bag Kanye and claim their reward. It’s a night nobody in Armenia will soon forget. They still haven’t forgotten the last genocide. It’ll all make sense after the film is edited and Kim is seen driving away the Ottoman Turks with her retractable vagina whip.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

The Kardashian Genocide Episode

By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 10:53 AM

Kim Kardashian And Khloe Kardashian Visit The Armenian Genocide Memorial

Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment. Being an extremely practical people, the Armenians understand their deal with the Kardashian devil to bring any attention to their native land. Armenian genocide wasn’t tracking on Google until the outlander whores arrived on private jet to film a few episodes. Track record says only horror and shame follows the Kardashian snail trail. Armenians have low built in expectations. History will call this a wash.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

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The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.

My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper

In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.

Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Artist Remains Poor

By Matt April 09, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

CHicks

Some Banksy disciple erected novelty signs across popular destinations in Los Angeles including the Kardashian owned DASH clothing store which read “No Kardashian Parking.” I tend to generalize artists as a loose group of self-indulged assholes who live off the misplaced kindness of others. But I also believe that in the specific. Why do you have this much time and given those signs cost $40 bucks a pop I’d like to know who’s financing this. Yeah your dad’s an asshole but he can see you doing this from his office. Sorry they ignored your watercolor work. Get a real job, like machine pressing real parking signs that confuse people into tickets. That day, you’ll be a man. Artists don’t sit at the big boy table in Valhalla.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Rob Kardashian Hanging By A Thread

By Matt April 07, 2015 @ 8:05 AM

RK

Rob Kardashian is either a fat recluse who needs help or a normal guy who appears this way compared to the rest of his family. Kris Jenner spoke about his condition on a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians:

“I’ve gotten a few reports that he’s been spending a lot of money and locking himself up in his room a lot and not really coming out… I’m just worried about what’s going on… I feel like if I don’t help him do something drastic that he’s gonna die.”

You just did something drastic. Assuming this isn’t bullshit and the guy is really depressed you just embarrassed him on national television for your ratings. Just lay a gun on his doorstep while you’re at it. Assuming this is a story line for the show you’re treading on dangerous ground. How are we supposed to separate the bullshit from the other bullshit? It’s no wonder so many reality stars commit suicide. They call you crying in the middle of the night and you hang up because you don’t know if they’re on the edge of a pier or following a script on a sound stage. I have to work tomorrow. You just cried wolf, bitch.

Photo Credit: Getty Images