It has been about six years since Kim Kardashian accepted $5 million from Vivid Entertainment for the release of her amateur porn that she recorded with then-unknown hip hop artist Ray J in 2003. So while Kim and now-unknown hip hop artist Ray J presumably haven’t slept together in a decade, the latter has released a new video for his single, “I Hit it First”, which is obviously directed at Kim’s current boyfriend and eventual third ex-husband Kanye West.
Ray J even hired a Kim lookalike for the new video, which would be cool if he’d produced it in 2004 and all of the lyrics were about football players. But this is just sad now. Even a guy waking up from a coma after 10 years is probably like, “Get over it, loser.”
Depending on which shock gossip blog you read, pregnant fatty Kim Kardashian is either collapsing in tears from Kanye’s abandonment of her during her time of need, or, Kanye is dying to marry Kim before their bastard baby pops fresh from Kim’s moneymaker and nobody gives a shit about Kanye anymore. So much drama. So much money. If only it were enough to drown in.
Kim Kardashian is valiantly eating her own words. This classy style icon admits that chiding her sister Kourtney about having out of wedlock babies with her fey unemployed boyfriend was a bit short-sighted given her own bastard rapper baby situation. For her part, Kourtney has yet to recognize the hypocrisy in calling Kim an undereducated ass-fisted whore. While both sisters continue to tempt fate by referring to Khloe as the fat one.
I guess it was to be expected. Kim Kardashian did not want to spend time on the witness stand looking like a total whore. Kris Humphreys did not want to spend time on the witness stand looking like the jackass who thinks he’s getting lucky with a lady only to be the last to learn she’s a pro. So, the two sides settled today on the terms of their divorce. And, by ‘terms of divorce’, let’s be clear, they mean who gets how much cash to shut the fuck up about everything ever. I imagine this is what happens when two vultures swoop down from separate angles toward a rotting carcass and eye each other face to face. First, they’re scared, followed by ashamed, followed by a general acknowledgement to start dining on the carrion before others arrive and steal their eats.
Kim Kardashian has decided to turn her biggest weakness into a strength, turn that threat into an opportunity, take those lemons and make herself some lemonade. After all the ribbing about her ballooning up like a zeppelin since being rap star seeded in her latest familial money making scheme, Kim has decided to just show off the belly as a source of pride. I say, good for you, Kim. You go, girl. Take those slings and arrows and turn them into satisfaction in your swelling bastard baby bump. Also, you should wear crotchless pants in public to show off the gaping vag from whence your moneybags will be born. And your lipid-injected ass and saline-bag laden udders, from whence the fame began. Kim, show us your pride.
I’m not sure Spanx are good for a gestating baby, but I’m guessing it’s slightly higher up the baby health chart than amphetamine laced diet powders. Still, if this bastard pops out with an awkward shaped head, I’d blame it on the industrial strength girdles Kim is wearing. Eventually that Rosemary’s Baby is going to be birthed, the world is going to end, and Kim will be nibbling on Satan’s pitchfork in exchange for a reality show deal in Hell. But not for three more months.