By Jack October 30, 2013 @ 2:28 PM
Kanye West is having another bout of saying shit that makes sense in his world. This time he’s claiming that the Blessed He and Kim are more influential than President Obama and his wife Michelle. It all went down when the megalomaniacal semi-decent rapper sat down with fancy lad Ryan Seacrest for an interview. According to Kanye, he and Kim are pushing down the barriers of racism and classicism through fashion. That doesn’t even make any sense, but I assume he’ll think he’s being persecuted for saying it.. More importantly Kanye believes Kim is more of a trailblazer than Michelle Obama because,
“Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”
He must mean the slutty swimsuit pic Kim took to show off her post-pregnancy tits and ass. He might be right. Michelle’s got a half-decent booty, but it’s not necessarily primed to make her a multimillionaire by letting dudes futz with it. On the other hand, Michelle does have those Ivy League degrees and can count to twenty-two without having to be naked. It’s not a dick full of Ray J on camera, but it’s got to count for something.
By Lex October 30, 2013 @ 12:29 PM
Last week the reality family took over AT&T Park to formalize the procreation process between Kim and Kanye, now Magic Mountain theme park just north of Los Angeles to celebrate Kendall’s 18th birthday. The place can run about 25,000 visitors on a good day. On a trashy night, about ten Kardashians plus Justin Bieber’s friend Lil Twist who was passed out on the floor of one of the family Range Rovers. Everybody got to celebrate the day upon which the State of California will recognize that certain of Kendall’s for-profit talents are now fully lawful. As Kris Jenner calls it, Opportunity Day. the day Kris will sit Kendall down and tell her the story of the Great Fork in the Road. How one path leads to Kim, pointing to Kim with Kanye surrounded by paparazzi and bags of gold coins, and how one road leads to Khloe, pointing to the hoodied Wookie alone on the park bench trying to eat a caramel apple from the inside out. Then mom and daughter will share a knowing laugh as mom hands Kendall a Sony handycam and reminds her that Vegas hotel room lighting can cast unflattering shadows, so keep that mug pointed toward the sheets.
By Jack October 29, 2013 @ 3:56 PM
Kim Kardashian is different than most moms in that her main concern after giving birth was what her pussy looked like. This revelation and many more is on the premiere episode of her show for the catatonic and mildly retarded, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. After “heartfelt” scenes in which Kim sends a message to her newborn daughter, we return to making it all about Kim, or more accurately, her vagina. She told sister Khloe that,
“When I came back from the hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better looking than before.”
The FIRST thing you did was look at you smelly clam? Not take care of your baby or spend time together as a family? I guess it makes sense that she would insure that her actually moneymaker was intact. Her vagina is feeding a lot of faces, literally and figuratively. Without their Valhalla-gifted vaginas, all Kardashians are but mere silicone injected also-rans. That includes Rob.
By Lex October 28, 2013 @ 4:48 PM
Kris Jenner always told her girls, when men do horrible things with you, just pretend it’s happening to somebody else and you’re watching it. I think she learned this from survivors of the Hanoi Hilton she used to dance with for a dollar at the VA. Khloe never got it. She’s too sensitive. But Kim is able to step outside her body and just watch the money being made with her body. She said she felt just this way at AT&T Park when Kanye proposed:
“I was shaking so much, shaking the entire time. Like, ‘Is this really happening?’ It was an out-of-body experience.”
Yes, this is really happening. You can believe all the TV field producers and camera men and wardrobe and makeup assistants who were prepping you for the filmed event. I guess it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been married or divorced or had illegitimate kids, the day the dude who used to bang Amber Rose in the shitter gets down on his knees to ask for your hand in marriage, you’re going to get butterflies. Way to go, Kimmy
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
By Lex October 25, 2013 @ 1:56 PM
In case you forgot, Kanye gave Kim a fifteen carat ring at a rented out AT&T Park the other night to symbolize his limitless love for making ass-babies with her. The proposal was captured on videotape so it could be projected in Al Quaeda recruiting sessions overseas showing why America is the Great Satan. If all you knew of America as a street urchin in Yemen was Katy Perry bootleg CDs and watching Kris Jenner finger her abacus to determine how much money Kim’s third wedding was going to net the family, you’d probably get into the shoe bomb volunteer line as well.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, WENN
By Jack October 23, 2013 @ 12:21 PM
According to sources near Kanye West he does not want to get a prenup before marrying Kim Kardashian. It seems that in the delirium of love that he feels for that big assed schemer, he’s choosing to ignore the wise prenup advice in his own song, Gold Digger.
“Kanye’s in love with Kim to the point of infatuation. It’s scary because the love is so powerful, Kanye doesn’t even want to have a prenup. He thinks it’s tacky and he doesn’t want to offend Kim or make anything seem awkward. He loves Kim too much for that to even cross his mind. He thinks of his money and his accomplishments and hers and he wants to share them with her — no strings attached.”
If this is true, Kanye is stupider than I thought. He is worth at least two and a half times what she is. Kim is only 33 years old and has already been divorced twice, the last time after a quickie sham wedding and a brutally ugly legal proceeding that followed. Does Kanye think he’s going to make her an honest woman? Good luck with that. He’s got a baby already which ties him in financial for life, why throw in a community property marriage? There is an old Cuban saying that my grandmother would kick out every now and then, “Why buy the whole hog when all you want is a little sausage?” Kanye is about to buy the whole hog.
(Photo Via Daily Mail)