Rapper Kanye West showed up to the Givenchy runway show at the Paris Fashion Week yesterday with his girlfriend and amateur porn star, Kim Kardashian, and a lot of people are saying that she looks great for having recently given birth to their daughter, North West. And those people are obviously just staring at her tits and nodding at whatever Kim’s PR people are trying to have published. What’s that, Kris Jenner? Kim is a size 2 despite looking like she’s still housing a Range Rover in her uterus? Sure, whatever, now back to those gigantic breasts.
If you’re like me, you were counting the days until Kim Kardashian launched her fifth fragrance line. If her first four aromas, Essential Scabies, Summer of Chlamydia, Krap Meadow, and Shpilkas, didn’t catch your fancy, just wait for Pure Honey, out today in stores.
I wanted Pure Honey to be both light and sweet but also powerfully seductive. As women we all have these dual natures. We can be girly and playful but also tempting and captivating at the same time. Combining the two elements was the perfect way to capture our full femininity. I created it to be delectable and crave-able, like all beautiful women are. — Kim blogging about her new perfume.
I wish I were a woman with the dual power of being sweet but also seductive, playful but also captivating. I also wish I could mask the stench of Kim’s yeasty cooch with the aroma of pure crave-ability. It beats taking a shower.
Kim was out around town hawking her new stench and showing how well simple starvation works to remove the baby weight. She now has stripper turned rapper baby maker Blac Chyna follow her around everywhere so people will stop yelling her name aloud when somebody shouts out, ‘Hey, who’s the skankiest skeez ho in the house?’.
What with Khloe being sad, the Jenner girls not yet knocked up, Kris Jenner losing her TV show, the Kardashians decided to turn ill-fate on its head and go ahead and film a Christmas Special in the middle of September. They didn’t have to, but being that they have a reality show, they are bound to fake the shit out of everything imaginable. Still, the Yuletide spirit runs deep in that family. Kim Kardashian tweeted photos from the decked out home set showing how well her KFC popcorn chicken and bulimia diet is coming along. Khloe’s strength to appear on the Christmas special was rewarded when the entire family gathered together to buy Khloe a publicist to smear the shit out of Lamar in the media. They also handed her a black baby Jesus doll and told her it was a real child and it was hers and they all promised not to tell her the truth until Easter. Fah who foraze!
Before giving birth to her daughter, North West, Kim Kardashian agreed to do a photo shoot for the fashion magazine CR Fashion Book, with Karl Lagerfeld calling the shots. Basically, they played dress-up with Kim, making her look like a circus clown and a pregnant stripper before they smeared jam all over her face and someone shouted, “That’s a wrap!” Either fashion is even dumber than we’d thought or these people were just fucking with Kim and Kris Jenner the whole time, in which case I hope the follow-up shoot is just people firing paintballs at her for an hour.
Kanye West hit back at Ray J in their continuing playground rivalry over who tagged Kim Kardashian first (well, first between the two of them, as neither of them were around when Kim was fourteen and first figuring out what it’d take to get a high school diploma the easy way). It all started when Ray J released a song called, (subtly), I Hit It First. referring to his having had carnal knowledge of Kimberly Kardashian’s soon to be expensive vagina before Kanye had the honor of doing so. Ray J also took Kim’s golden shower virginity and a girl only loses that once, twice if she works the Navy ports of call. So, Kanye dropped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and changed the lyrics to his song Bound 2 to the following:
“Brandy’s little sister lame and he know it now, when a real brother hold you down, you supposed to drown.”
He called Ray J Brandy’s little sister! Oh snap! Honestly, who gives a shit? What black athlete or rapper hasn’t fucked Kim Kardashian? The guy who played Urkel has probably hit that shit. The guy who stood-in for Urkel during camera blocking probably has experienced multiple orifice loving of the highest earning Kardashian. The only thing any of them are Bound 2 have is a a matching strain of HPV.
Looking back on it now, Kim Kardashian did some crazy shit when she was pregnant. I guess any adventure that begins by having unprotected sex with a rapper is going to be a wild and painfully bumpy ride. Most of the shit she did was obviously for money, those blessed bills that fill the large empty spaces in her soul. But some of this stuff, like this bizarro photo shoot by the equally bizarro Karl Lagerfeld, I think she did just because she was bored and Kanye wasn’t answering her texts during his sex with a normal sized girl nights.