Outside of a chunky tranny with a fetish for butt sex in constrictive clothing, it’s hard to imagine who would want to trade identities with Kim Kardashian. I guess the answer is Luis Flores. Jr., an ambitious teenager in Florida who was using Kim’s personal credentials to order replacement credit cards and raid her bank account. This same precocious teen was also stealing from Michelle Obama and Bill Gates and Joe Biden, none of which is as risky as getting between a Kardashian and her cash. Authorities became suspicious when large dollar wire transfers from Kris Jenner started showing up in Flores’ Florida bank without any reason to believe he was one of the people around the world being paid off by Kris to cover up disturbing Kardashian family scandals. The kids mom is also going to jail for helping him cover up his crimes. In a way, a very nice homage to the Kardashian family. Now, Kim has her identity back, which from photos appears to weigh about 25 extra pounds, and Luis Flores Jr. will have plenty of time to consider how fucking Kim is free, but fucking her over costs you three years in lockup.
Kanye West has reportedly made a cash settlement with the eighteen year old disturbed kid he beat up. We told you the tale of Kanye getting into a bitch fight with the teen that called Kim a n***er lover and a whore at a chiropractor’s office in LA. Kanye proceeded to kick the living dog shit out of the skinny delinquent who curled up into a defensive ball. As you would expect, the beat up kid threatened to sue Kanye for millions of dollars. They arrived at the much more reasonable figure of $250,000 to avoid the messy need for criminal charges being filed. Kanye might’ve been fine if he had actually been there when this moron started his Tourette’s impression and just cold cocked him in protection of his woman. But, no, he was miles away when Kim called him screaming and ordered him to come give the stupid kid a beatdown. You can’t really order hits, even on total jackasses. So, 250. I can’t help but believe this is only going to encourage even more people to fuck with Kim and Kanye. I’ll gladly take a few rapper punches from Kanye West if it’s going to mean a quarter-mill. The kid has earned a small fortune just for being a total fucktwat. He’s now actually become Kim Kardashian. The irony will never settle in.
The E! channel has graciously offered to pick up the multimillion dollar tab for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s wedding. It’s sort of a tradition really when the bride’s on her third husband, her dad is dead, and a dozen TV executives are paying for their kids braces off the antics of the small-headed ass-model in question. The whole things is going to be shot for a very special episode of the Kardashian family reality show, Cunts on Parade. This way the network can control all the logistics of the event and they don’t have to worry that Kanye will do something stupid like ride in on musthing elephant that mauls half the congregation. Instead, he can ride up in a Mini-Cooper chalked up with a Kotex presenting sponsorship advertisement. The wedding will be held somewhere outside of Paris but not in Versailles like Satan’s favorite couple had desired, But expect it to be a place that sounds magical, but only to be truly made so with the enchantment of the couple’s first ass-to-mouth encounter without a prophylactic dental dam. I always cry at weddings.
In addition to reining in the copious amounts of body fat that you can’t photoshop out in real life, Kim Kardashian’s new carbon mesh containment system (CMCS) protects her from shark attack and skin-to-skin gonorrhea. It also renders her radar signature to be half her native size, so 2’6″ and 75 pounds when nobody in the family is cycling. Kim whipped out her superhero costume for a big meeting in Beverly Hills where smart people would use the word ‘strumpet’ so that Kim wouldn’t realize they were talking about her as she dumbly nodded and held her breath. Even carbon mesh has its tensile limits.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
Kim Kardashian made a splash on Jimmy Kimmel last night, mostly to show the advancements in girdle technology that allow her to look less like a chattering crocus bulb. Being a talk show, Kim had to rehearse some spoken words beyond just ‘Kanye, go kill him!’ and ‘I get five dollars to make you holler, Mister”. So she played sympathetic sister, speaking of how badly broken Khloe Kardashian was by discovering that the man she knew for nearly four hours before marriage was secretly a crack smoking whoremonger with mental health issues. Kim insisted that despite what you saw on the show, Khloe never really wanted to make a baby with Lamar because she knew he was troubled. So, all those sympathetic condolences from her family on her lack of pregnancy, and those trips to the fertility clinics, Khloe actually skipped those. Well don’t I feel pretty fucking stupid for sobbing along with Khloe’s barren womb all these years. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Because it’s all she apparently does now, Kim Kardashian went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday with her baby and the rapper that gifted it to her in exchange for her soul. More importantly, Kim was in full-on mom mode, proving her haters and critics wrong by showing that not only can she take care of her baby and remove her from a car while Kanye West stands there and looks like a disinterested asshole, but she can also properly place a towel over the stroller to keep North West away from the harmful sun. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if she accidentally knocked the stroller over and a bunch of empty cans fell out, and Kim had to admit that she left her baby in a Gucci store months ago.
Photo Credits: WENN.com