Kim Kardashian Thinks About Her Snatch More Than You Do

By Jack October 29, 2013 @ 3:56 PM

Kim Kardashian is different than most moms in that her main concern after giving birth was what her pussy looked like. This revelation and many more is on the premiere episode of her show for the catatonic and mildly retarded, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. After “heartfelt” scenes in which Kim sends a message to her newborn daughter, we return to making it all about Kim, or more accurately, her vagina. She told sister Khloe that,

“When I came back from the hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better looking than before.”

The FIRST thing you did was look at you smelly clam? Not take care of your baby or spend time together as a family? I guess it makes sense that she would insure that her actually moneymaker was intact. Her vagina is feeding a lot of faces, literally and figuratively. Without their Valhalla-gifted vaginas, all Kardashians are but mere silicone injected also-rans. That includes Rob.

Kim Kardashian Says Wedding Proposal Was an Out of Body Experience

By Lex October 28, 2013 @ 4:48 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Cleavage During Her Birthday Party At Tao Nightclub In Las Vegas
Kris Jenner always told her girls, when men do horrible things with you, just pretend it’s happening to somebody else and you’re watching it. I think she learned this from survivors of the Hanoi Hilton she used to dance with for a dollar at the VA. Khloe never got it. She’s too sensitive. But Kim is able to step outside her body and just watch the money being made with her body. She said she felt just this way at AT&T Park when Kanye proposed:

“I was shaking so much, shaking the entire time. Like, ‘Is this really happening?’ It was an out-of-body experience.”

Yes, this is really happening. You can believe all the TV field producers and camera men and wardrobe and makeup assistants who were prepping you for the filmed event. I guess it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been married or divorced or had illegitimate kids, the day the dude who used to bang Amber Rose in the shitter gets down on his knees to ask for your hand in marriage, you’re going to get butterflies. Way to go, Kimmy

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Ass and Bling

By Lex October 25, 2013 @ 1:56 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Huge Ring And Butt In A Tight Skirt At A Charity Event In Beverly Hills
In case you forgot, Kanye gave Kim a fifteen carat ring at a rented out AT&T Park the other night to symbolize his limitless love for making ass-babies with her. The proposal was captured on videotape so it could be projected in Al Quaeda recruiting sessions overseas showing why America is the Great Satan. If all you knew of America as a street urchin in Yemen was Katy Perry bootleg CDs and watching Kris Jenner finger her abacus to determine how much money Kim’s third wedding was going to net the family, you’d probably get into the shoe bomb volunteer line as well.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, WENN

Kanye West Doesn’t Want A Prenup

By Jack October 23, 2013 @ 12:21 PM

According to sources near Kanye West he does not want to get a prenup before marrying Kim Kardashian. It seems that in the delirium of love that he feels for that big assed schemer, he’s choosing to ignore the wise prenup advice in his own song, Gold Digger.

“Kanye’s in love with Kim to the point of infatuation. It’s scary because the love is so powerful, Kanye doesn’t even want to have a prenup. He thinks it’s tacky and he doesn’t want to offend Kim or make anything seem awkward. He loves Kim too much for that to even cross his mind. He thinks of his money and his accomplishments and hers and he wants to share them with her — no strings attached.”

If this is true, Kanye is stupider than I thought. He is worth at least two and a half times what she is. Kim is only 33 years old and has already been divorced twice, the last time after a quickie sham wedding and a brutally ugly legal proceeding that followed. Does Kanye think he’s going to make her an honest woman? Good luck with that. He’s got a baby already which ties him in financial for life, why throw in a community property marriage? There is an old Cuban saying that my grandmother would kick out every now and then, “Why buy the whole hog when all you want is a little sausage?” Kanye is about to buy the whole hog.

(Photo Via Daily Mail)

Kanye West Finally Proposed To Kim Kardashian

By Travis October 22, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Kim Kardashian celebrated her 33rd birthday yesterday just like any of us would, as she attended a party thrown in her honor at AT&T Park in San Francisco, which had been completely rented out by her boyfriend Kanye West for the evening. Kanye actually started the night off by honoring 12 Years a Slave director Steve McQueen at the Hollywood Film Awards, but he made it back in time to not only celebrate Kim’s birthday, but finally propose to her in front of her whole family. This is bad news, of course, for anyone who wagered money on this relationship being a sham, created solely for the purpose of giving Kim a child to exploit and Kanye enough attention for his recent album and upcoming tour.

But if your money is on a hilariously ugly divorce that costs them and the state of California millions and ruins a young child’s life, I’d say you’re in the driver’s seat right now.

Photo Credit: Getty

No Star On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame For You, Kim Kardashian!

By Jack October 17, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

Kim Kardashian won’t be getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame anytime in the near future. That’s because the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, who decides who gets a star, says that her big ass isn’t eligible for immortality. Why? Because she’s a fucking reality star, that’s why! They don’t deserve to be on the same sidewalk with Marlon Brando or Meryl Streep, or, you know, Ryan Seacrest, who at least has an Emmy or something for acting straight. Hollywood Chamber of Commerce spokesman Ana Martinez explained why Kim isn’t getting a star by stating that,

“”We don’t have reality stars on the Walk of Fame. We’re happy to consider reality stars once they get nominated for, or win, an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar. We’ll consider them when they’re legitimate actors or singers.”

Yeah, let’s wait on that. Kanye, of course, thinks this is unfair and told Jimmy Kimmel he thinks Kim shouldn’t be excluded because she’s only famous for being on a shitty reality show or getting pissed on in a sex tape. The other issue is that someone has to nominate her in order to receive the accolade. No one has ever done that for Kim, as Ana Martinez said,

“I hate to say it, but a lot of people just don’t like like her. No one has ever nominated her.”

I’m guessing she didn’t really hate to say that or she wouldn’t have added that part about a lot of people not liking Kim. Lassie and Donald Duck both have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they are a fucking dog and a cartoon duck. But, then again, they are better actors and are more real than Kim Kardashian.