Kardashian Baby Raises the Whorecrux for New Year’s

By Lex January 01, 2014 @ 12:28 PM

Kardashian hustler training begins early for the girls. The feel of precious stones in the palm of the hand during the infant years, the ability to determine the true pre-tax income of a suitor from just the taste of his bodily fluids, and, naturally, vomiting to keep trim. By the time she’s not allowed to go to kindergarten, North will be able to tell the cut, clarity, carart, and color of this stone with just a simple sniff. Convincing a drunk Kanye that her vagina was actually her ass was just step one for Kim Kardashian’s diabolical progeny plan. Now the real training begins. The whore grows strong in this one.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Go Skiing

By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 3:14 PM

Kim Kardashian Kanye West And Kourtney Kardashian Go Skiing In Deer Valley Park Utah
It’s time for the trees to give a little something back.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Okay, Who Leaked the Kardashian Christmas Party Photos?

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 2:53 PM

Kylie Jenner Posts Naughty Photo From The Kardashian Christmas Party To Instagram
With the Kardashians, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s faked for the cameras. I go with the rule that not a goddamn thing anybody in that family has done has been real since Robert hid the knife for Khloe’s bio dad. Nevertheless, they keep pumping out social media content like it’s non-fiction, including their family Christmas party with the theme of ‘naughty’. It’d be easy to suggest that the only time the Kardashians are the least bit real is when they’re being all slutty, but they can’t even do that honestly. Kris fucked up their chances to be decent self-hating tramps, in favor of self-aware moneymaking business girls. They’re about as sexually vibrant as the sore-ridden abuela in Tijuana giving sailors hummers while stirring the bean pot for her family’s dinner. Still, these photos make good recruitment tools for Al Qaeda. Death to the West.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Klassy Bag, Kim Kardashian

By Travis December 27, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

In a move that was probably intended to mock regular idiot Americans who battled their way through crowded lines in packed malls and department stores yesterday, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian did some post-Christmas shopping in Los Angeles and didn’t seem to have any problems finding what they were looking for. Kim was also showing off the Hermes handbag that Kanye got her for Christmas, and you know it’s from him because he had artist George Condo hand paint a bunch of nude women that look like her family on the side.

That looks kind of like Kendall Jenner on the right, with Kim next to her, seemingly being mounted by Kourtney, and then Khloe just doing her thing on the left. To keep her happy, they probably told Kris Jenner that all four of the women are her.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim Kardashian Took Her Breasts Shopping

By Travis December 17, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Kim Kardashian continued her neverending quest to make us believe that she’s the World’s Greatest Mother that is losing her birth weight thanks to so much hard work by taking her daughter Nori Christmas shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. It’s remarkable that this kid isn’t even a year old and they’ve already given her a nickname so they can try to distract everyone from the fact that her name is actually North West. Still, by the time this girl turns 16, if her biggest problem is that her name is ridiculous and not that her parents are in prison or were already torn to pieces by angry mobs or she has giant devil horns, she can go ahead and chalk that one up as a victory.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim Kardashian Not Yet Satisfied With Her Post-Baby Photoshopped Body

By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 1:21 PM

Kim Kardashian Debuts Her Post-Baby Bikini Body On The Cover Of Us Weekly
Whenever I want good honest Kim Kardashian news, I turn to E!. They only make about ten billion dollars off of the mildly retarded whore family from Calabasas, so you know they’re going to be completely objective. Most every semi-legitimate news outlet is pointing out that Kim’s new ‘post-baby’ bikini debut on US Weekly looks more Photoshopped than all the naked Michelle Obama pictures on the Internet. E! went on to gather some heroic quotes from Kim about her Herculean effort to get her moneymaking body back in shape.

I mean, as you get older and your body changes, you just can’t eat the way you used to. So I’m training myself and I work out. You know, I love pilates, I love running. Now that we’re on the road, just any gym in any hotel, I just go for it.

Now that’s informative. And honest. As any woman knows living on the road with her rapper baby daddy, it’s hard to find the four hours a day you used to dedicate to Tracey Anderson training and colonics. Even the amphetamine laced diet powders don’t taste the same in hotels. Kim says she still has ten pounds or four more Photoshop erase swipes to go before she has her body back. In fact, she really didn’t even want to go out on the beach in her bikini yet, but she asked herself, what would her hero Eleanor Roosevelt do. And off came the clothes.

Photo Credit: Us Weekly, Kim Kardashian/Instagram