Kim Kardashian Is One Super Crappy Escort

By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 2:40 PM

Kim Kardashian As Richard Lugner's Date For The Vienna Ball
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:

It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.

I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:

She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.

A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kim and Kanye Targeted for Their Groundbreaking Interracial Sex

By Jack February 19, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

Kim Kardashian backed her bastard baby daddy Kanye West by saying that TMZ only goes after them because they are racist. This past weekend Kanye went on one of his epic rants in which he said that the only reason that the media in general and TMZ in particular went after them is because they are ebony and ivory. Kim let TMZ know it saying,”It was very insightful.” I think the part of this that surprises me the most is that Kim knows the word ‘insightful’. Up until now I thought she only spoke in guttural moans and slurping fellatio onomatopoeia. It is possible one of her seventeen handlers assisted her with the lingo. Naturally, Kim is only partially correct. There is no doubt a media draw from the interracial nature of this romantic coupling. But as far as making them targets in the press, interracial probably falls to about about reason number eighteen just slightly behind kicker SEO terms such as celebrity, scandal, tits, Kardashian, Yeezus, anal, anal-to-mouth, jackass, midget, bad rap music, sex tape, self-promotion, and pulling a train in the Saints locker room.

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Cleavage As She Steps Out In New York

By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 12:40 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Cleavage As She Steps Out In New York

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI

Kim Kardashian Is Calling In The C-List Guns

By Travis February 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

In a very important reminder that she still technically has a job, Kim Kardashian filmed a segment of her “reality” series at a high end baby store in Los Angeles yesterday. And to show that she’s really still one of the most powerful women in the world with scores of A-list celebrity friends at her disposal, Kim was with Ciara, who is a singer or actress or something like that. Needless to say, a small crowd of idiots formed to gawk at Kim, so she put on her most serious “I just queefed and the aroma is stunning” face and she looked down the whole way to make sure that she didn’t trip over her own giant ass that was squeezed into a ridiculously tight leather skirt.

Photo Credits: Michael Wright/WENN.com

Kim Kardashian’s Identify Thief Locked Away

By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 5:06 PM

Kylie Jenner Khloe And Kim Kardashian Arrive At Naimie's Beauty Center In Los Angeles
Outside of a chunky tranny with a fetish for butt sex in constrictive clothing, it’s hard to imagine who would want to trade identities with Kim Kardashian. I guess the answer is Luis Flores. Jr., an ambitious teenager in Florida who was using Kim’s personal credentials to order replacement credit cards and raid her bank account. This same precocious teen was also stealing from Michelle Obama and Bill Gates and Joe Biden, none of which is as risky as getting between a Kardashian and her cash. Authorities became suspicious when large dollar wire transfers from Kris Jenner started showing up in Flores’ Florida bank without any reason to believe he was one of the people around the world being paid off by Kris to cover up disturbing Kardashian family scandals. The kids mom is also going to jail for helping him cover up his crimes. In a way, a very nice homage to the Kardashian family. Now, Kim has her identity back, which from photos appears to weigh about 25 extra pounds, and Luis Flores Jr. will have plenty of time to consider how fucking Kim is free, but fucking her over costs you three years in lockup.

Kanye Gives $250,000 to the Kid He Beat Up

By Jack January 29, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

Kanye West has reportedly made a cash settlement with the eighteen year old disturbed kid he beat up. We told you the tale of Kanye getting into a bitch fight with the teen that called Kim a n***er lover and a whore at a chiropractor’s office in LA. Kanye proceeded to kick the living dog shit out of the skinny delinquent who curled up into a defensive ball. As you would expect, the beat up kid threatened to sue Kanye for millions of dollars. They arrived at the much more reasonable figure of $250,000 to avoid the messy need for criminal charges being filed. Kanye might’ve been fine if he had actually been there when this moron started his Tourette’s impression and just cold cocked him in protection of his woman. But, no, he was miles away when Kim called him screaming and ordered him to come give the stupid kid a beatdown. You can’t really order hits, even on total jackasses. So, 250. I can’t help but believe this is only going to encourage even more people to fuck with Kim and Kanye. I’ll gladly take a few rapper punches from Kanye West if it’s going to mean a quarter-mill. The kid has earned a small fortune just for being a total fucktwat. He’s now actually become Kim Kardashian. The irony will never settle in.