In a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte spills the beans on his hopes and dreams, as the star of E!’s new reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, wants everyone in America to accept him as an entertainment icon.
Having previously admitted that he wants to be an actor and a world class movie star, it turns out that the guy who trademarked the made up word “JEAH” is following in the footsteps of one very special celebrity.
Ryan Lochte knows exactly what he wants. He wants to be Kim Kardashian — and isn’t ashamed to admit it.
“Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is,” he says. “That’s what I want to do.”
Technically, Kim started from a lot of money. Then she built herself up with a sex tape and rode that to collecting Kanye West’s sperm in her womb to lock down half of his fortune and an infinite TV deal. Lochte, despite his lack of charisma, personality and acting talent, actually achieved fame because he was good at something, in this case swimming.
So if he really wants to be a famous actor or even just a beloved reality TV star, he should pave his own path and defy the odds that we’ve stacked against him. That is, unless he wants to make a sex tape with Kate Upton, in which case we’d probably watch that.
I remember a day not so long ago when people would say, ‘Sure, Kim Kardashian is a soul-less conniving Succubus who needs to be stricken form this planet like polio or that French Stewart guy, BUT, she’s still hot and I’d do her.’ Now what? Outside of the few of you who like to go turtling with the billowing neck BBWs, what’s left in the Kim Kardashian apologist tank? She did suddenly find religion after her martial scam was publicly exposed, she spent four hours on the ground in Haiti throwing faux pearls to the hungry peasant children, and she does inspire with the cliche Tweets about being the best you can be and ignoring haters. But that isn’t much. It’s truly time for Kim to go. I doubt such a large object could simply fade into the sunset, so maybe a push out to sea, another floating Pacific Garbage Patch for strident pamphleteers to assault you about outside head shops.
Pregnant sex tape star Kim Kardashian was a guest on The Tonight Show last Thursday, presumably so she and Jay Leno could laugh about how wealthy they are despite being loathed by everyone. But while she was yapping away about her new maternity clothing line or how she tricked Tyler Perry into paying her to act, her younger sisters, Kylie and Kendall Jenner, were defending her against hypothetical mean people.
Asked about the critics who’ve had nasty things to say about Kim’s body, Kylie began, “It pisses me off when people say, ‘You’re so fat,’ to Kim.”
“If you like it, and you feel good…” Kendall interjected.
“I’m like, ‘Are you dumb?’” wondered Kylie.
“She’s pregnant, people,” Kendall said, to which Kylie added, “I don’t get it.” (E!)
Well, it’s pretty simple. Your older sister is married to one guy, but she’s having sex with a different guy and that second guy didn’t wear a condom before he climaxed inside her womb, so she’s pregnant now.
Oh you mean you don’t get why people call Kim fat. My mistake. That’s simple, too. It’s because she has a gigantic ass.
Over the weekend, Ford officials responded to a really stupid decision by an advertising agency in India to give the Kardashian sisters a little dab of rape culture by basically admitting that the automobile manufacturer doesn’t review its ads before they hit the streets. JWT India’s recent posters for the Ford Figo showed Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian bound and gagged in the back of Paris Hilton’s car, as if the irrelevant former reality star would be seen driving a tiny car or could handle Khloe’s retard strength by herself.
Needless to say, Kris Jenner and the Kim Kardashian Moneymaking Experience weren’t going to just let this one fly by, so they released their own response, and it’s as litigious as you’d expect from a family that sold a fake wedding to E! for $17 million.
“The ‘leave your worries behind’ Ford ads are disgusting, vile and offensive to all women,” a Kardashian attorney told “omg! Insider.” “It is unacceptable that Ford would align itself with an ad agency that would so carelessly release these ads. The Kardashians do not take this lightly and they are exploring all of their legal options.” (Yahoo!)
If anyone knows what is disgusting, vile and offensive to all women, it’s the women who became famous because one of them made an amateur porn movie that was basically directed by her own mom. And it’s the women who challenge each other to pussy-smelling contests by rubbing napkins on their vaginas. And it’s the women who… just go ahead and insert anything else they’ve ever done here, because it’s all equally horrible.
There are only three certainties in life. Death. Taxes. And that Kim Kardashian was destined to be a ginormous tub of fame whore goo. Just like you can keep death at the doorstep with some unholy underworld alliances, so too has Kim Kardashian celebrity cumguzzled her way into a temporary bypass of her BBW genetic destiny. But as the demon seed grows deep within her rotund belly, devilish deals are unsealing. Kim’s body parts are unbridling into an outcome that will necessarily involve lots of Japanese model tanks and army soldiers trying to drive Kim back into Tokyo Bay.
An ad company in India is neck-deep in the proverbial shit after it ran two ads for the Ford Figo that portrayed violence toward women. JWT India’s ads made fun of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and his love for adultery, as well as the one-time feud between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Specifically, people were pissed over the ad images showing women tied up and gagged in the trunk of the cars with the slogans “Leave Your Worries Behind”.
Ford never actually approved or even saw the ads to begin with, but the automobile manufacturer nevertheless issued an apology.
“We deeply regret this incident and agree with our agency partners that it should have never happened. The posters are contrary to the standards of professionalism and decency within Ford and our agency partners. Together with our partners, we are reviewing approval and oversight processes to help ensure nothing like this ever happens again.” (Business Insiders)
It’s easy to see why women would be upset with that Berlusconi ad, because it’s a guy with three bound and gagged women in his trunk, so obviously that means men are disgusting brutes that kill women. “Why isn’t there an ad with men tied up in the trunk,” a girl in a flannel shirt probably yelled at her cat. But give me a break with the feigned outrage over the Kardashians ad.
The team at JWT India shouldn’t be fired because they made a cartoon that mocked the brutalization of Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. They should be fired because they’re too stupid to know that Paris Hilton is a cultural afterthought with a lazy eye and probably a prescription for Valtrex.