Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have to get married three times. The two narcissistic walking genitalia are planning a ridiculously over-the-top wedding in France. But they have to also get married in a civil ceremony in California and an additional civil wedding in France before their fuck-off religious service. I guarantee you that she is going to make these two legal formalities huge fucking televised affairs. I don’t see Kim Kardashian settling for a simple standard civil ceremony. She’ll probably buy three designer dresses and in Kardashian custom, beg her new husband to travel back in time to 1997 and rob her anal teen cherry so he can own her completely. I’m not sure if she’ll require three divorces from Kanye once all the People magazine and E! TV checks have cleared and she’s no longer getting a press bump from being married. We’ll know in about sixteen months.
It used to be you had to pretend to be a model parent to pass out advice to the rest of the fertile womb klatch. You know, those moms who always seemed put together, gave lectures to other moms or wrote books about how to get your kid to stop being such an asshole in stores simply by getting down on one knee and explaining to them how feelings work. Then you’d have to wait ten years to learn that mom was a heavy drinker who was fucking the gardener while the kids were high on aerosol cheese because dad was unable to hug them. Enter Kim Kardashian. Who knows parenting better than an about to be thrice married huckster with a tattoo on her taint that reads ‘If you’re seeing this, then you already know why I’m rich’. Kim’s a technically working, technically single mom, which makes her the perfect dispenser of maternal wisdom. Little nuggets like she laid off on about to be a mom friend, Ciara:
I believe in allowing your child to be who they want to be-as long as they want to be something great
In other words, North can choose between hooking and neurosurgery, but she will not fucking work at the mall like I had to before mom killed dad and we got the bigger house. According to Ciara, who I thought had a dick but is apparently about to birth a baby, Kim has been a font of great motherly advice, from breast feeding to how to assemble a stroller. Or, you know, how to get the wet nurse and the nannies to get that shit done. Being a great mom is all about time management. Or as Kim might put it in her encouraging tips to moms, spending a long day looking after North and still looking good for your rapper baby daddy when he gets home from fucking your little half-sister’s girlfriends. Motherhood isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
Kim Kardashian and her family just returned from a lavish and beautiful vacation in Thailand, and it was so picturesque and perfect that Kim didn’t bother taking her own photos to post on Instagram, because she could just take some from Google and pass them off as her own. But now that she’s back in America, Kim is all business as usual, and that means that instead of being mostly naked on a boat for the sake of “fashion,” she’s squeezing her big old mom tits into tight dresses for the sake of “fashion.” Where was she going with her breasts crammed so tight that the escape of just one could have caused a 5.5 on the Richter scale? I don’t know, but I’m sure her date paid plenty.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian Instagram
“Whiteface” pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he’s been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool because people already knew about them. Still, he ended up admitting that he regretted listing the famous desperate women, but that changed yesterday with Howard Stern, as he used the platform to brag about how awesome his sex life is with Mariah, whom he claims has no clue who Kim Kardashian is. This is all pretty remarkable considering the two things that people don’t really give a shit about is where Nick Cannon puts his dick and his comedy.
Photo Credit: Getty
Somebody at E! got a grant from the Thai government to have the Kardashian girls come over and teach all the underaged sex workers how to please foreign men without visible signs of tear. Now more than ever Thailand needs foreign dollars to keep its economy from collapsing. That isn’t coming from Tom Yum soup sales alone. Each of the girls have been doing their part to promote Thailand and their amphetamine diet secrets by posting photos of themselves in bikinis in various resort areas of Thailand where they keep most of the actual icky Asian people away from you. Kim did have a run-in with an elephant she thought her mom hired to make for a cute selfie backdrop but who the animal’s owner assumed was meant for the higher priced sex show trick. The mixup nearly caused an international scandal before Kim agreed to let the elephant mount her for ten Mississippis.
Photo Credit: (elephant: Alexander Goldschmidt on Twitter, bikinis: Kim Kardashian/Instagram)