Kim Kardashian has of course been dating Halle Berrys ex Gabriel Aubry lately, even though she’s obviously pregnant with Kanye Wests baby, but now she’s reportedly ended things with Aubry and has moved on to some NBA player that I’ve never heard of because the NBA sucks.

Life and Style says…

“Kim feels like Gabriel was just using her for her fame,” an insider close to Kim tells Life & Style. Plus, Gabriel, 34, “is older than Kim is looking for,” says the insider. “So she’s decided to stop seeing him.”
Kim’s not wasting any time on regrets she has already started dating Kris Humphries, a 25-year-old basketball player for the New Jersey Nets.
“Kim likes him much more than Gabriel,” says the insider to Life & Style. “He’s normal, so much fun and cute. He’s perfect for what Kim wants right now, which is some fun dates and some fun times.” And of course he’s an athlete, continuing Kim’s pattern of falling for jocks.

But the shocking twists and turns don’t stop there, wait until you hear this: Kris Humphries is white. Bam! How you like that, black guys! This is perfect because the amount of white guys in the NBA and in Kim Kardashian are both now around 10 percent.

Not only is he white, he’s from Minnesota. Which is as white as white people get. In their winter, which lasts from August until June, those people are so pale they’re practically mirrors. You go to Mall of America in December and it’s like walking around a fun house.

WELL HE LOOKS WHITE UPDATE – aww god dammit. so apparently his dad is black and his mom is white. which reminds me, if you meet a white girl with a baby and she tells you the father is black, they don’t find it funny if you go, “oh my gosh, you were raped? did they catch the guy?” they dont think it’s funny, at all, and your girlfriend will yell at you. just so you know.

On December 1st, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Seacrest and others all grossly over estimated their popularity and “died” on Twitter and Facebook, vowing not to post again until they raised 1 million dollars for the Keep a Child Alive AIDS campaign.

It did not work, and so far only raised $450,000, so yesterday they persuaded some billionaire to pay the rest in order to get back online and keep the world abreast of their pedicure schedule. The New York Post says…

Celebrities were so frustrated with the time it took to raise $1 million for’s “Digital Death” campaign, they persuaded billionaire pharmaceutical executive Stewart Rahr donated $500,000 yesterday to meet the $1 million goal.

And why the big rush…

Stars including Kim Kardashian, who can earn about $10,000 a tweet, started getting itchy fingers.

It’s because a huge portion of celebrity tweets are ads of course, already bought and paid for. Besides we have enough kids on the planet, and God only uses AIDS to punish the wicked, so fuck them (their words, not mine).

The assumption is that people who are uncommonly attractive and sexy have it easier in life, and of course that assumption is correct. It’s wonderful. They don’t even make me pay taxes. But Kim Kardashian says it wasn’t always so easy on her, and she used to actually hate that her boobs were so big (like in the picture, full size here, when she was, ahem… 14). She tells Popeater…

Kourtney used to torture me and think I was odd because I had big boobs. I was 11 when I got my period and I started developing. I would sit in the bathtub, take a washcloth, put it under really hot water and put it against my boobs and pray to God, please don’t make my boobs grow any bigger. And Kourtney would be like, “Your boobs are so big and ugly!” She was so mean and then I would have to wear a bra and she would say, “Who wears a bra? That’s so disgusting.” It was so embarrassing.

Kim Kardashian tells the least relatable stories in the world. That story was supposed to be sad, but it was about a sexy young girl, alone in her bath, naked and writhing around in the steamy water, exploring her body and getting to know the pleasures of life. It’s hard to feel sympathy for someone when I’m jacking off.

Just about 3 weeks ago, Kim Kardashian was hosting a fancy party in New York to announce the Kardashian Mastercard, a pre-paid debit card that she hoped would teach todays young people about managing their money.

But then nerds who were probably ugly or flat chested and jealous of Kim starting claiming the card is loaded with hidden fees. CNN Money says…

While regular bank debit cards are typically free and don’t charge any fees, a 12-month Kardashian Kard costs $99.95 just to own, including a card purchase fee of $9.95 and 12 monthly fees of $7.95. After the first year, consumers must continue to pay the $7.95 monthly fee.
On top of these initial fees, it costs Kardashian Kard users $1 every time they add money to their card, and it costs $1.50 to speak with a live operator. If they want to pay their bills automatically using the card, they’ll be charged $2 per transaction.

And some dork from the Peoples Republic of Connecticut said…

“Among the prepaid debit cards now on the market, the Kardashian Kard is particularly troubling because of its high fees combined with its appeal to financially unsophisticated young adult Kardashian fans,” said Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal in a warning issued Friday. “Keeping up with the Kardashians is impossible using these cards.”

Ohhh, zing. I get it. What he doesn’t say is that these fees are standard for pre-paid cards.

That’s because, like the new Kardashian MasterCard, prepaid cards are loaded with charges — including activation fees as high as $40, monthly fees of up to $10, paper statement fees of as much as $5.95, inactivity fees up to $9.95 and customer service fees as high as $3.95.

But now Kim has to cancel it, even though she actually charges less than some other pre-paid cards. As if a girl with breasts this big could be anything less than a complete angel. You’ve just made yourself a powerful new enemy, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal.