By Jack March 21, 2013 @ 1:18 PM
Guess what Kanye West and Kim Bigasses’ baby name is rumored to be. Go on, guess. Did you guess a normal unobnoxious name? Then you are wrong. They are reportedly calling their celeb larvae North. North West. Like, the direction. Would someone please slip that bitch some pitocin in her drink so we can get this gestation over with already. It’s going to be even worse once Kim shits out this flesh turd and calls it North. Can you imagine what kind of monster the coupling of these two massive egos will produce? Add to that a stupid fucking name and you have the recipe for an asshole the likes of which the world has never seen.
Where is it written that celebrities can’t just give their kids normal names? Just this past month Holly Madison named her kid Rainbow. Then there is Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor or walking douchenozzle Pete Wentz’s kid Bronx Mowgli. What’s in a name? Probably, a future of drug abuse, entitlement, and abusing household servants.
Most mothers-to-be are told daily that they look beautiful even when they put on the baby weight, but Kim Kardashian is so worried about her 65 pound weight gain that she’s terrified Kanye West is going to cheat on her, according to a bombshell exclusive report in the new issue of the National Enquirer.
And she’s right, he will cheat. But it’s not because you’re enormous and sex with you now makes your bed sound like a suspension bridge swaying in the wind. No, it’s because your family is a bunch of soul sucking harpies. Every picture the guy is in now he looks like he is plotting a fucking murder because he knows he is attached to you for 18 more years. Being with your mom has made Bruce Jenner the most miserable sack of shit in Hollywood. His best days now are when his scheming shriek of a wife is out of the house and he gets to run down to the Cheesecake Factory to drown his sorrows in a Chinese Chicken Salad and a bottle or two of Scotch. Kanye knows that’s his future. So you can go on living your life thinking he will cheat on you because you packed on a few lbs, but way deep down, past all the fat, you’ll know it’s because you are the most despicable, status obsessed empty pie-hole in an industry full of status obsessed empty pie-holes.
By Lex March 15, 2013 @ 1:10 PM
It’s just about time to blow the flute and order the Oompas to roll Kim Kardashian off to the juicing room as the world’s biggest merch whore swells with the gestation of her billion dollar bastard baby. If you believe the supermarket tabloids, and why the fuck not, Kim is so distraught over her changing body figure that she’s shoveling Butter Brickle into her gaping maw before, during, and after her sweaty workouts. She even touched Khloe’s food, and nobody touches Khloe’s food. Leave it to the reverse science of a moronic reality TV star to solve her ‘I’m getting so fat’ issues by hunkering down with a Pizza Hut Meat Lover’s XL.
Kim’s destiny is to be Spanx-girdled and lonely and covered in the sad memories of all the men who have cum before her. At least that big pile of cash she’s sitting on will soak up the tears.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Bill March 13, 2013 @ 12:19 PM
If this were a fill in the blanket contest and you heard, ‘Kim Kardashian just got sprayed in the face with _________’, the word ‘blood’ probably wouldn’t come to mind. It came up number seven on my own list, well after jizz, Khloe shat, kumquat juice, AstroGlide, small foreign coins, and Kanye punches. Still, it happened. Because in a desperate attempt to cover up the fact that the Kim Death Star is now nearly the size of a celestial object, Kim shot her face up with fatty blood from her arm. It’s some new 90210 procedure meant to get rid of wrinkles in your face.
You know what else gets rid of wrinkles in your face? Not being a money-sucking merchandise whore bearing the bastard baby of a demented fashion-rapper. Hindsight is 20-20. So onto the bloody injections.
By Lex March 01, 2013 @ 3:41 PM
Filled with her bastard baby, the future fatty and soon forgotten Kim Kardashian has been shaking off rumors that she plans to sell off her future baby conceived through sweaty butt sex with Kanye West (a double miracle of conception as it was Kim who was plugging Kanye up the ass). We started those rumors, so I think you can call them dubious at best.
By the time Kim gets to divorce trial in May with the NBA baller who didn’t realize he was signing off to be her next cuckold paycheck, she’s going to look like a fucking aircraft carrier, complete with sailor jag-off lining the walls of her sleeping quarters.
Photo credit: AKM/GSI
According to Steve Hirsch, the guy who runs Vivid, which own the rights to the Kim K Superstar sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian when she was young and less smart about getting paid upfront for sex, there was a fire in his office over the weekend and the safe containing the master copy of Kim K Superstar nearly burned up.
Thankfully, while the safe singed, the contents were safe. So you can still order new copies of Kim’ sex tape, or watch it on five-finger discount on the web, or just wait ten years to pay Kim $20 to flash her bare yam to you at a strip club.