Kim Kardashian Gets Her Vogue Cover

By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 5:20 PM

Vogue not so fetching editor Anna Wintour pretends to be the immovable object, but she isn’t. She’s just a creepy looking neighbor lady with a bad haircut who you discover wasn’t just selling Mary Kay out of her the back of her Kia. Kim Kardashian greatly wanted her position in the fashion world to be officially stamped with a Vogue cover. Kanye felt his lady deserved it for all the bitching clothes she was wearing. Both of them have been wearing as much high-priced haute couture as possible over the past year just begging to be validated. But Anna Wintour kept putting a kindly spin on the fact that Vogue didn’t want to put a hobbit porn star who smelled like Ray J’s asparagus on their their cover. But, magazine sales being what they are today ,Anna Wintour caved with some lame excuse:

Part of the pleasure of editing Vogue, one that lies in a long tradition of this magazine, is being able to feature those who define the culture at any given moment, who stir things up, whose presence in the world shapes the way it looks and influences the way we see it. I think we can all agree on the fact that that role is currently being played by Kim and Kanye to a T. (Or perhaps that should be to a K?)”

Holy crap! I want to strangle this woman with an $900 Yves Saint Laurant cashmere scarf. So, basically, anybody who gets Googled a ton makes the cover now? We should expect Miley Cyrus, Vladimir Putin, and the Norovirus to appear  in subsequent months? Yes, we can all agree that Kim and Kanye play the current role of zeitgeist tour guides if you limit the population set to people who have the E! channel on their favorites list. Basically, women who sneak cheesecake bites after midnight and effeminate males who smell like Pantene.

Anna Wintour went on to dispel rumors that Kanye battled to get Kim on the cover:

As for the cover, my opinion is that it is both charming and touching, and it was, I should add, entirely our idea to do it; you may have read that Kanye begged me to put his fiancée on Vogue’s cover. He did nothing of the sort. The gossip might make better reading, but the simple fact of the matter is that it isn’t true. There’s barely a strand of the modern media that the Kardashian Wests haven’t been able to master, and for good reason: Kanye is an amazing performer and cultural provocateur, while Kim, through her strength of character, has created a place for herself in the glare of the world’s spotlight, and it takes real guts to do that.

We have got o shove this woman and her chapped lips into a pneumatic tube and zip her off to the ass kissing department. Where the fuck did she come up with this tripe? Kanye is a cultural provocateur?  Don’t you just mean, self-important asshole? Kim has strength of character? Would this be defined by her fucking on camera for notoriety or setting up bogus weddings to bilk money out of media outlets? Really? Who’s next? The failed female suicide bomber in Tel Aviv for showing ambition or Jenny McCarthy for bringing mumps and measles back from the dead? God damn, Anna Wintour. You are my least favorite person. Couldn’t you just stick to being prissy and annoying and faking reasons why Chumly Lena Dunham was on your cover?

Kanye Plans To Serenade Kim’s Ass

By Lex March 20, 2014 @ 12:46 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Booty In Red Leaving Crustacean In Beverly Hills
Kanye West announced he has a new song in the works just for his fair bride at their Big French Wedding in May. The working title is (Tap That) Sugar Bear Bitch or something similarly romantic. Just imagine Yeezus laying down righteous lyrics while Kris Jenner directs the E! cameramen to get POV on Kim pulling a train of uncircumcised French logger. I’m fucking misty.

Photo Credit: Splash,, Pacific Coast News

Kim Kardashian’s Ass Approaches Tokyo Bay

By Lex March 13, 2014 @ 12:32 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Massive Booty Shopping With Her Sisters In Miami
I just figured out where they buried Robert Kardashian after Kris wished him out of her way. Just look at that gargantuan ass beast in a Baby Huey sized adult diaper. You could fit several mid-sized Armenian corpses in that trunk. Kim Kardashian waddled her fat injected dumper through Miami yesterday to make some quick merchandising cash for the Kardashian clan who recently got calls from their Cayman Island bank that their piles of gold no longer reached all the way to the ceiling. We can’t have that. The perfect time for a new clothing store opening in Miami for emotionally unresolved young women to appropriate their father’s good money to look like a Kardashian. I’d be worried about the next generation if it weren’t for the fact that millions of young women who think they need to barter cheap sex to be loved isn’t really such a bad thing.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash

Kim Kardashian Keeps Her Horny Fans Pleased

By Travis March 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

One day, when she’s old enough to understand the difference between being a shameless attention-seeker and having some goddamned self-respect, baby North West is going to ask her mommy and daddy how they got famous. Kanye West will, of course, explain that he made really popular rap music that was average at best compared to some of his peers, but his overblown sense of ego helped him promote it as if he was the second, third and fourth comings of Christ and Tupac. Kim Kardashian, though, will probably say that she was a TV icon and fashion model and genius, because telling her first born daughter that she sucked a non-famous guy’s dick on a sex tape and posted a bunch of photos of her titties squeezed into her teenage sister’s bikini on Instagram might make the poor girl lose a little respect for her mom.

Kim Kardashian Gets In Car Wreck

By Jack March 12, 2014 @ 1:40 PM

Kim Kardashian was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday but unfortunately no one was hurt. Kim was driving around Beverly Hills listening to the Yeezus album, because someone has to, when she went to turn left. A car that was also turning from oncoming traffic smashed into her Mercedes war machine and damaged the fender. The two drove to the nearby Beverly Hills hotel where they exchanged info and then hugged it out. Now that guy’s shirt has syphilis.

Rob Kardashian Too Fat To Be on the Bride Side

By Jack March 11, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.