Bearing her rapper boyfriend’s bastard baby has changed Kim Kardashian. So we are told. So much so that when some Australian magazine offered her $3 million for first photos of her stupidly named daughter, Kim said nay. She and Kanye do not want their offspring living a life in front of the camera. By that she means, try $5 million. My guess is People magazine. But, before you call Kim a singularly-focused money-grubbing ass whore, again, the couple has indicated that proceeds will all go to charity. Like Khloe’s and Lamar’s stomach cancer research charity where none of the money raised has gone to cancer research. So, actually, the opposite of that this time. Then, finally, the Kardashian name shall be synonymous with selflessness, community, and giving. As Robert always wanted, or at least promised himself as he was finding a place to hide O.J.’s bloody clothes and knife.
Soon-to-be talk show host and woman who would burn an entire orphanage to the ground for attention, Kris Jenner, was on The View yesterday to discuss, among other crap, how her cash cow daughter, Kim Kardashian, just named her newborn baby North West. Kris claimed that Kim and Kanye West picked that name because north means “highest power” and this is the “highest point” of their relationship. At the very least, this is great because it means the beginning of the end.
But even better was Kris acting like the name isn’t stupid because, “You don’t walk around calling somebody, ‘Hi North West!’” Yes you most certainly do. When someone has a stupid name like that, you say it repeatedly, every day of every week until she eventually tries to murder her parents. Not that I’ve thought about it.
By now we all know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their womb ferret North West. But why? Why, of all the names in the whole world did they pick a fucking direction as a name? Was it simply to make a stupid pun? According to sources close to the obnoxious couple, it’s a metaphor…a stupid, lame, nonsensical metaphor. They claim that it is inspirational rather than directional. The sources say, “They chose the name North because they see it as a metaphor for “up”, telling friends, “What’s North of North? Nothing.” They also say that the little shit factory is their “highest point” together, their northernmost point. Wow, that’s even stupider than if it was just a bad joke.
First of all, “up” and “north” are not the same thing. It would seem that they missed that day in 2nd grade in which they taught the kids about directions. It’s not surprising as the two of them are basically 2 IQ points away from shitting their Prada pants and wondering what that funny smell is. And “What’s North of North?” is also nonsense. North isn’t a place. It’s not like Santa’s living room in the North Pole is the spot to which all compasses are calibrated or some shit. I guess it’s sweet that they think of this kid as the zenith of their love and not just like a drunken accident that happened because Kanye didn’t pull out in time.
North West. That’s what Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their bastard daughter. There had been rumors since March that they would name the baby North, but Kim denied it. You know, because it’s fucking stupid. But I guess she gave in to the pressure exerted by Kanye West’s ego to make a geographical direction about him. I bet he thought he was real fucking clever when he came up with it too. “Yo, Kim. You know how, like, my name is West? And how, like, there is a south and northwest? Yo, I’m'a ’bout to blow yo mind: we call the baby North West! I am such a fuckin’ genius, bitch!”
No. No, you’re not. You are a douche. Celebrities love to give their kids stupid names not imagining what kind of impact it will have. I can just imagine what the name North will one day evoke. Waiters and household staff will be tormented by this child and they will curse the name of North. Her and Blue Ivy Carter will blow into Bergdorfs and the employees will say, “Fuck! It’s that North bitch and her friend Blue.” Your GPS will say things like, “Head North, like Kimye’s bitch daughter, and turn left at…”.
You might be saying, “But she’s a baby, how can you call her a bitch?” She is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. It is genetically impossible for her to be anything less than the worst person on Earth. Let’s skip the pleasantries.
Well, fuck me. And sorry to those of you prognosticators who called the idiotic name Kaidence in our Twitter contest. Looks like Kim and Kanye have not decided to name the product of their hotel room splooge Kaidence. The name has not yet been officially given by the parents, which can only mean they’re selling that announcement to some magazine. Or they’re waiting for the summer solstice and Satan to arise and anoint the demon seed with a name that can only be pronounced in backwards Latin.
While Kim Kardashian’s people claim that she had to be admitted to Cedars Sinai hospital to give birth to her daughter five weeks before the expected due date because of a threat to both her and the baby’s health, there are still several conspiracy theories out there. Among my favorites:
A) She didn’t want to be beat to the delivery room by Kate Middleton and not get any of the attention.
B) She was never actually pregnant and the surrogate who was hosting the baby for her went into labor early.
C) Satan’s patience has worn thin and he beckoned his hell spawn on Sunday to bring forth the rise of 1,000 years of hell on Earth.
Whichever may be the case, because she was early, Kim couldn’t get the VIP suite that she’d reserved because Dwight Howard’s latest baby mama was also there, giving birth to his third child from as many women, according to TMZ. Of course, it’s also believed that this is actually Dwight’s fifth or sixth child, so they probably just cut a deal to have him be the dad next time around.
(Photo Credit: Getty)