What with Khloe being sad, the Jenner girls not yet knocked up, Kris Jenner losing her TV show, the Kardashians decided to turn ill-fate on its head and go ahead and film a Christmas Special in the middle of September. They didn’t have to, but being that they have a reality show, they are bound to fake the shit out of everything imaginable. Still, the Yuletide spirit runs deep in that family. Kim Kardashian tweeted photos from the decked out home set showing how well her KFC popcorn chicken and bulimia diet is coming along. Khloe’s strength to appear on the Christmas special was rewarded when the entire family gathered together to buy Khloe a publicist to smear the shit out of Lamar in the media. They also handed her a black baby Jesus doll and told her it was a real child and it was hers and they all promised not to tell her the truth until Easter. Fah who foraze!
Before giving birth to her daughter, North West, Kim Kardashian agreed to do a photo shoot for the fashion magazine CR Fashion Book, with Karl Lagerfeld calling the shots. Basically, they played dress-up with Kim, making her look like a circus clown and a pregnant stripper before they smeared jam all over her face and someone shouted, “That’s a wrap!” Either fashion is even dumber than we’d thought or these people were just fucking with Kim and Kris Jenner the whole time, in which case I hope the follow-up shoot is just people firing paintballs at her for an hour.
Kanye West hit back at Ray J in their continuing playground rivalry over who tagged Kim Kardashian first (well, first between the two of them, as neither of them were around when Kim was fourteen and first figuring out what it’d take to get a high school diploma the easy way). It all started when Ray J released a song called, (subtly), I Hit It First. referring to his having had carnal knowledge of Kimberly Kardashian’s soon to be expensive vagina before Kanye had the honor of doing so. Ray J also took Kim’s golden shower virginity and a girl only loses that once, twice if she works the Navy ports of call. So, Kanye dropped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and changed the lyrics to his song Bound 2 to the following:
“Brandy’s little sister lame and he know it now, when a real brother hold you down, you supposed to drown.”
He called Ray J Brandy’s little sister! Oh snap! Honestly, who gives a shit? What black athlete or rapper hasn’t fucked Kim Kardashian? The guy who played Urkel has probably hit that shit. The guy who stood-in for Urkel during camera blocking probably has experienced multiple orifice loving of the highest earning Kardashian. The only thing any of them are Bound 2 have is a a matching strain of HPV.
Looking back on it now, Kim Kardashian did some crazy shit when she was pregnant. I guess any adventure that begins by having unprotected sex with a rapper is going to be a wild and painfully bumpy ride. Most of the shit she did was obviously for money, those blessed bills that fill the large empty spaces in her soul. But some of this stuff, like this bizarro photo shoot by the equally bizarro Karl Lagerfeld, I think she did just because she was bored and Kanye wasn’t answering her texts during his sex with a normal sized girl nights.
Photo Credit: Karl Lagerfeld/CR Fashion Book
In an upcoming episode of the heavily staged reality show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a still pregnant Kim talks about wanting to pose for Playboy again after she pops out her demon seed (the bastard to become known as North). This even though she has said before she was uncomfortable doing her last Playboy shoot. I think that had something to do with taking a check for getting naked when her mama raised her to always get cash. I must admit, as much as I find her a despicable piece of human trafficked waste, I’d pay to see Kim’s new mom tits. I’d also pay to see her locked in a motel room where a Spanish midget dressed in a devil costume snaps her repeatedly with a wet towel. I can’t possibly rank those two.
You can see Kim in her original Playboy shoot HERE.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN
On a clip from an upcoming episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim K. contemplates eating her placenta. The preggers slutbag asked the family cook if he had ever cooked placenta. They then discuss the questionable and disgusting practice of eating the mucus filled afterbirth. Supposedly it helps with post-partum depression and all that other lady crap. Whether or not she went through with consumption is unknown. Placenta eating is just the latest in a series of bullshit “all-natural” crap that rich women think is good for you. Eating your placenta is something cats do because they can’t hunt and kill their own meals before and after giving birth. They do it to survive. Women on reality shows do it to get ratings. Why can’t rich women have babies high on drugs and full of shame at the gross stickiness of it all like God intended? Kim’s placenta should’ve been dumped into the same red medical waste bin where the Kardashians store their previously terminated pregnancies and Khloe’s real teeth.