Okay, Who Leaked the Kardashian Christmas Party Photos?

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 2:53 PM

Kylie Jenner Posts Naughty Photo From The Kardashian Christmas Party To Instagram
With the Kardashians, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s faked for the cameras. I go with the rule that not a goddamn thing anybody in that family has done has been real since Robert hid the knife for Khloe’s bio dad. Nevertheless, they keep pumping out social media content like it’s non-fiction, including their family Christmas party with the theme of ‘naughty’. It’d be easy to suggest that the only time the Kardashians are the least bit real is when they’re being all slutty, but they can’t even do that honestly. Kris fucked up their chances to be decent self-hating tramps, in favor of self-aware moneymaking business girls. They’re about as sexually vibrant as the sore-ridden abuela in Tijuana giving sailors hummers while stirring the bean pot for her family’s dinner. Still, these photos make good recruitment tools for Al Qaeda. Death to the West.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Klassy Bag, Kim Kardashian

By Travis December 27, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

In a move that was probably intended to mock regular idiot Americans who battled their way through crowded lines in packed malls and department stores yesterday, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian did some post-Christmas shopping in Los Angeles and didn’t seem to have any problems finding what they were looking for. Kim was also showing off the Hermes handbag that Kanye got her for Christmas, and you know it’s from him because he had artist George Condo hand paint a bunch of nude women that look like her family on the side.

That looks kind of like Kendall Jenner on the right, with Kim next to her, seemingly being mounted by Kourtney, and then Khloe just doing her thing on the left. To keep her happy, they probably told Kris Jenner that all four of the women are her.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim Kardashian Took Her Breasts Shopping

By Travis December 17, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Kim Kardashian continued her neverending quest to make us believe that she’s the World’s Greatest Mother that is losing her birth weight thanks to so much hard work by taking her daughter Nori Christmas shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. It’s remarkable that this kid isn’t even a year old and they’ve already given her a nickname so they can try to distract everyone from the fact that her name is actually North West. Still, by the time this girl turns 16, if her biggest problem is that her name is ridiculous and not that her parents are in prison or were already torn to pieces by angry mobs or she has giant devil horns, she can go ahead and chalk that one up as a victory.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kim Kardashian Not Yet Satisfied With Her Post-Baby Photoshopped Body

By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 1:21 PM

Kim Kardashian Debuts Her Post-Baby Bikini Body On The Cover Of Us Weekly
Whenever I want good honest Kim Kardashian news, I turn to E!. They only make about ten billion dollars off of the mildly retarded whore family from Calabasas, so you know they’re going to be completely objective. Most every semi-legitimate news outlet is pointing out that Kim’s new ‘post-baby’ bikini debut on US Weekly looks more Photoshopped than all the naked Michelle Obama pictures on the Internet. E! went on to gather some heroic quotes from Kim about her Herculean effort to get her moneymaking body back in shape.

I mean, as you get older and your body changes, you just can’t eat the way you used to. So I’m training myself and I work out. You know, I love pilates, I love running. Now that we’re on the road, just any gym in any hotel, I just go for it.

Now that’s informative. And honest. As any woman knows living on the road with her rapper baby daddy, it’s hard to find the four hours a day you used to dedicate to Tracey Anderson training and colonics. Even the amphetamine laced diet powders don’t taste the same in hotels. Kim says she still has ten pounds or four more Photoshop erase swipes to go before she has her body back. In fact, she really didn’t even want to go out on the beach in her bikini yet, but she asked herself, what would her hero Eleanor Roosevelt do. And off came the clothes.

Photo Credit: Us Weekly, Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Kim Kardashian Didn’t Like Being Called a Two-Faced Whorebag Opportunist

By Jack December 11, 2013 @ 4:33 PM

Kim Kardashian took a lot of shit for being a two-faced whorebag opportunist and stealing 90% of the Ebay charity money she raised for relief efforts in the Philippines. The Kardashians may be illiterate and incapable of reading critical comments about their behavior, but they’re highly paid public relations team knows when it’s time to put the slut dragons back on the offensive. So, Kim came out with the following prepared candid comment:

“The problem comes in when I get attacked for giving and trying to help people…I do it because I want to. I do it because my dad taught me to. I do it because it’s the right thing to do. So for people to attack me for giving 10% of my eBay auction sales to the people of the Philippines, that hurts.”

Wow. Heart pain father attacked giving. You hit all the monkey points. In case the empty platitudes didn’t pass muster, Kim also claims the 50% of the money raised in the Ebay auctions go to fees. Unless that includes sugar cubes to keep Khloe calm, that sounds vague and bullshitty, but let’s take her at her word. So, of the remainder, four for her, one for the floating kids in the Philippines eating mud sandwiches? I bet her dad taught her that too, in between hiding O.J.’s knife and pretending the babies in his wife’s womb were his.

See? Kim Kardashian Spends Time With Her Kid

By Travis December 05, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Kim Kardashian raised some eyebrows recently when she stepped out of character on Twitter to angrily respond to a random Tweet that accused her of being a shitty mom since her kid isn’t even a year old and she’s on the road with Kanye West for his tour. Kim claimed that just because we don’t see her with baby North West every hour of the day, that doesn’t mean she’s not a good mom who doesn’t care for her child. And to prove her point, she conveniently stepped out of her New York City apartment yesterday with a stroller so all of the photographers could see her being a wonderful mother.

Still, it’s a shame none of the paparazzi asked, “What kind of cans are in that stroller?” because there’s a chance she would have answered, “Soup… I mean, baby.”

Photo Credit: Tom Meinelt/Splash News