By Travis April 03, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
“Whiteface” pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he’s been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool because people already knew about them. Still, he ended up admitting that he regretted listing the famous desperate women, but that changed yesterday with Howard Stern, as he used the platform to brag about how awesome his sex life is with Mariah, whom he claims has no clue who Kim Kardashian is. This is all pretty remarkable considering the two things that people don’t really give a shit about is where Nick Cannon puts his dick and his comedy.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Somebody at E! got a grant from the Thai government to have the Kardashian girls come over and teach all the underaged sex workers how to please foreign men without visible signs of tear. Now more than ever Thailand needs foreign dollars to keep its economy from collapsing. That isn’t coming from Tom Yum soup sales alone. Each of the girls have been doing their part to promote Thailand and their amphetamine diet secrets by posting photos of themselves in bikinis in various resort areas of Thailand where they keep most of the actual icky Asian people away from you. Kim did have a run-in with an elephant she thought her mom hired to make for a cute selfie backdrop but who the animal’s owner assumed was meant for the higher priced sex show trick. The mixup nearly caused an international scandal before Kim agreed to let the elephant mount her for ten Mississippis.
Photo Credit: (elephant: Alexander Goldschmidt on Twitter, bikinis: Kim Kardashian/Instagram)
By Lex March 26, 2014 @ 5:01 PM
I don’t know how you design a dress that is both see-through, and at the same time can secrete forty pounds of excess gunt. Whoever made Kim Kardashian’s dress for the superbly boring Seth Meyer’s show appearance deserves some kind of science award. Maybe one of those they give out at the dinners with all the celebrities but only show you quick cuts from because they’re super fucking boring. I wonder if this same designer can fashion pro hockey jerseys so I can look less like Kevin Smith and more like Sidney Crosby. Fuck you, he’s NHL hot.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash
By Jack March 26, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Kim Kardashian revealed to Seth Myers that baby North West pissed all over Kanye West during their infamous Vogue shoot. It seems that the unibrowed womb troll decided to use Kanye’s chest as a diaper while they were taking a family shot on a couch. North is naked in the picture as a very early indicator of how the Kardashian clain raises their girl children to respect the process. I have a new found respect for baby North. I’ve always thought that she was probably going to grow up to be a monster since she is being raised by the two biggest narcissistic assholes on the planet. But maybe she’ll be okay if she already innately understands her dad is s shit can.
(Photo Via Vogue)
By Lex March 24, 2014 @ 4:18 PM
When you hear that heavyset Kim Kardashian is being tributed, you might typically think of groups of sweaty fat men masturbating furiously onto her new Vogue cover photo. But, no, this one involves food. According to MSN, Kanye has decided to purchase his zoftig bride to be her own Burger King franchises in Europe as a tribute to their upcoming wedding. He’s already given her an illegitimate child, an Italian sports car, and lots of excessively large jewelry. Burger Kings only made sense as the next step. Though with only two months left to go until the wedding, it’s an added obstacle for a Hobbit shaped woman set to starve and speed ball herself down 30 lbs. of liquified body fat.
According to the ever reliable anonymous source, Kanye is buying Kim the Burger Kings because this is where he sees her future when her reality TV days are over. A remarkably prescient thought on the part of the merchandising rapper. If you can picture Kim working anywhere when TV fame finally eludes her, it’s behind the counter at a Burger King. That’s assuming she’s deemed too old or virally unsanitary for large marsupial gang bang porn. Though if she owns the B.K’s, she can probably arrange her schedule to fit in both.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com