Holy Cow!

By Lex March 25, 2013 @ 2:05 PM


There are only three certainties in life. Death. Taxes. And that Kim Kardashian was destined to be a ginormous tub of fame whore goo. Just like you can keep death at the doorstep with some unholy underworld alliances, so too has Kim Kardashian celebrity cumguzzled her way into a temporary bypass of her BBW genetic destiny. But as the demon seed grows deep within her rotund belly, devilish deals are unsealing. Kim’s body parts are unbridling into an outcome that will necessarily involve lots of Japanese model tanks and army soldiers trying to drive Kim back into Tokyo Bay.

Photo credit: BG / FF / WENN

Ford Pulled Its Ads That Joked About Killing The Kardashians

By Travis March 25, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

An ad company in India is neck-deep in the proverbial shit after it ran two ads for the Ford Figo that portrayed violence toward women. JWT India’s ads made fun of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and his love for adultery, as well as the one-time feud between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Specifically, people were pissed over the ad images showing women tied up and gagged in the trunk of the cars with the slogans “Leave Your Worries Behind”.

Ford never actually approved or even saw the ads to begin with, but the automobile manufacturer nevertheless issued an apology.

“We deeply regret this incident and agree with our agency partners that it should have never happened. The posters are contrary to the standards of professionalism and decency within Ford and our agency partners. Together with our partners, we are reviewing approval and oversight processes to help ensure nothing like this ever happens again.” (Business Insiders)

It’s easy to see why women would be upset with that Berlusconi ad, because it’s a guy with three bound and gagged women in his trunk, so obviously that means men are disgusting brutes that kill women. “Why isn’t there an ad with men tied up in the trunk,” a girl in a flannel shirt probably yelled at her cat. But give me a break with the feigned outrage over the Kardashians ad.

The team at JWT India shouldn’t be fired because they made a cartoon that mocked the brutalization of Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. They should be fired because they’re too stupid to know that Paris Hilton is a cultural afterthought with a lazy eye and probably a prescription for Valtrex.

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Are Kanye And Kim Really Calling Their Crotch Troll North West?

By Jack March 21, 2013 @ 1:18 PM

Guess what Kanye West and Kim Bigasses’ baby name is rumored to be. Go on, guess. Did you guess a normal unobnoxious name? Then you are wrong. They are reportedly calling their celeb larvae North. North West. Like, the direction. Would someone please slip that bitch some pitocin in her drink so we can get this gestation over with already. It’s going to be even worse once Kim shits out this flesh turd and calls it North. Can you imagine what kind of monster the coupling of these two massive egos will produce? Add to that a stupid fucking name and you have the recipe for an asshole the likes of which the world has never seen.

Where is it written that celebrities can’t just give their kids normal names? Just this past month Holly Madison named her kid Rainbow. Then there is Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor or walking douchenozzle Pete Wentz’s kid Bronx Mowgli. What’s in a name? Probably, a future of drug abuse, entitlement, and abusing household servants.

Kim Thinks Kanye Is Going To Cheat

By Steve G. March 20, 2013 @ 12:17 PM

Most mothers-to-be are told daily that they look beautiful even when they put on the baby weight, but Kim Kardashian is so worried about her 65 pound weight gain that she’s terrified Kanye West is going to cheat on her, according to a bombshell exclusive report in the new issue of the National Enquirer.

And she’s right, he will cheat. But it’s not because you’re enormous and sex with you now makes your bed sound like a suspension bridge swaying in the wind. No, it’s because your family is a bunch of soul sucking harpies. Every picture the guy is in now he looks like he is plotting a fucking murder because he knows he is attached to you for 18 more years. Being with your mom has made Bruce Jenner the most miserable sack of shit in Hollywood. His best days now are when his scheming shriek of a wife is out of the house and he gets to run down to the Cheesecake Factory to drown his sorrows in a Chinese Chicken Salad and a bottle or two of Scotch. Kanye knows that’s his future. So you can go on living your life thinking he will cheat on you because you packed on a few lbs, but way deep down, past all the fat, you’ll know it’s because you are the most despicable, status obsessed empty pie-hole in an industry full of status obsessed empty pie-holes.

Leon’s Getting Larger

By Lex March 15, 2013 @ 1:10 PM

It’s just about time to blow the flute and order the Oompas to roll Kim Kardashian off to the juicing room as the world’s biggest merch whore swells with the gestation of her billion dollar bastard baby. If you believe the supermarket tabloids, and why the fuck not, Kim is so distraught over her changing body figure that she’s shoveling Butter Brickle into her gaping maw before, during, and after her sweaty workouts. She even touched Khloe’s food, and nobody touches Khloe’s food. Leave it to the reverse science of a moronic reality TV star to solve her ‘I’m getting so fat’ issues by hunkering down with a Pizza Hut Meat Lover’s XL.

Kim’s destiny is to be Spanx-girdled and lonely and covered in the sad memories of all the men who have cum before her. At least that big pile of cash she’s sitting on will soak up the tears.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Gets Bloody Money Shot

By Bill March 13, 2013 @ 12:19 PM

Photobucket

If this were a fill in the blanket contest and you heard, ‘Kim Kardashian just got sprayed in the face with _________’, the word ‘blood’ probably wouldn’t come to mind. It came up number seven on my own list, well after jizz, Khloe shat, kumquat juice, AstroGlide, small foreign coins, and Kanye punches. Still, it happened. Because in a desperate attempt to cover up the fact that the Kim Death Star is now nearly the size of a celestial object, Kim shot her face up with fatty blood from her arm. It’s some new 90210 procedure meant to get rid of wrinkles in your face.

You know what else gets rid of wrinkles in your face? Not being a money-sucking merchandise whore bearing the bastard baby of a demented fashion-rapper. Hindsight is 20-20. So onto the bloody injections.