Well, fuck me. And sorry to those of you prognosticators who called the idiotic name Kaidence in our Twitter contest. Looks like Kim and Kanye have not decided to name the product of their hotel room splooge Kaidence. The name has not yet been officially given by the parents, which can only mean they’re selling that announcement to some magazine. Or they’re waiting for the summer solstice and Satan to arise and anoint the demon seed with a name that can only be pronounced in backwards Latin.
While Kim Kardashian’s people claim that she had to be admitted to Cedars Sinai hospital to give birth to her daughter five weeks before the expected due date because of a threat to both her and the baby’s health, there are still several conspiracy theories out there. Among my favorites:
A) She didn’t want to be beat to the delivery room by Kate Middleton and not get any of the attention.
B) She was never actually pregnant and the surrogate who was hosting the baby for her went into labor early.
C) Satan’s patience has worn thin and he beckoned his hell spawn on Sunday to bring forth the rise of 1,000 years of hell on Earth.
Whichever may be the case, because she was early, Kim couldn’t get the VIP suite that she’d reserved because Dwight Howard’s latest baby mama was also there, giving birth to his third child from as many women, according to TMZ. Of course, it’s also believed that this is actually Dwight’s fifth or sixth child, so they probably just cut a deal to have him be the dad next time around.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
If you had Kaidence in the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West baby naming pool, you may just have won a $500 gift card. I’d use it quick before the child grows up to bring a hellish apocalypse upon the human race. Maybe you have a few weeks until she learns to breathe fire and teleport herself.
Kerry Rhodes, the infamously rumored gay NFL star, outed by his own boyfriend in a video on this very site, now is telling his buddies via text that he might be the Kim’s baby daddy as he was nailing the Kardashian nine months ago around the same dates that Kanye was.
Man this could be my baby!! I was fu**ing her the same time as K.West was lol!!!
While any sane person is willing to believe that Kim could have been banging multiple men on any given day of her life since sixteen or so, and pro athletes do fall right into her wheelhouse, meh, coming from a guy desperate to hide his gay, this seems like a real shot in the dark. That ‘lol’ at the end is perhaps the best closing argument on his big gay verdict. Not that it matters. Unless you’re claiming your boned a baby into the world’s most famous new mother.
Over the weekend, some grainy, incomprehensible footage of Scott Disick playing Patrick Bateman in American Psycho for one of Kanye West’s promotional videos for “Yeezus” hit the web, but nobody could really appreciate the cheesy porn parody value of it until a cleaner version became available. Fortunately, West uploaded the video to his website, and now you can watch two guys who became famous for their associations with the Kardashians play make believe.
The other guy in the video is Kim Kardashian’s best friend, Jonathan Cheban, in case you wanted to know that before you close your eyes and imagine that this is real and somewhere Disick is being locked away in the worst prison in the world. Let your imaginations run wild, America.
Leyla Ghobadi, self-described model and tour whore from Quebec, has now modified her shocking tale of being on the vagina end of Kanye cheating on Kim. Leyla is now sort of kind of remembering that maybe her juice sloshing episodes with Yeezus actually took place before Kanye planted his flag in Kim’s fat-injected dumper.
“I was introduced to him at the Montreal concert. We met backstage as I knew members of his band. We ended up having sex at the Thompson Hotel,” she told the The Sun in a recent interview, contradicting her prior claim that the affair began last summer in Atlantic City when West picked her out of a crowd at his concert where Kardashian happened to be sitting in the VIP section at the same show.
Kanye really is a good man after all. If I had a daughter who was slightly brain damaged and slutty, I’d hope she ended up being banged over a pool table at a concert after party with a guy like Kanye.