I Think They Held the MTV Movie Awards

By Lex April 15, 2013 @ 8:33 AM

What would you do if you threw a big movie awards show and nobody noticed? If you’re MTV, you could plot the death of even more of your crappy reality show stars. It’d give the press something to talk about other than the fact that you changed the date of your Movie Awards and nobody remembered. Just last week I was just thinking, fuck, I probably have to go cover the MTV Movie Awards again this June, then, blammo, nope, they happened last night. Kim Kardashian did show up looking like the world’s largest bat, but if that’s all you got, it’s a sure sign people forgot your party.

By the way, if you bet on Taylor Lautner in Breaking Dawn Part 2 to win best shirtless moment, you might think you won, but someday you’ll realize you did not.

Photo credit: Bauer-Griffin

Kim Kardashian to Call Her Cuckold Husband as Witness

By Lex April 10, 2013 @ 9:23 AM

Kim Kardashian Pregant Going To Church In Los Angeles

In one month we finally get to the divorce trial of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphreys. In case you’re wondering who to root for in this contest of The Whore vs. The Dude Dumb Enough to Believe He Could Tap the Whore’s Ass For Free, you can’t go wrong with ‘meteor’.

I didn’t know they even had divorce trials any more for people without kids. Apparently it’s what the wealthy still do versus most of us who get to say, ‘You get the ’87 Outback. I get the dog. And yeah, I fucked your best friend that time you went to visit your parents. Goodbye forever!

Kim put out her witness list for the trial and it not so surprisingly contains her Lying Cheating Grifter Mom, always a reliable witness, and Kris Humphreys himself. Now that’s going to be a doozy. At question will be whether or not Humphreys knew all along that the engagement and wedding the Kardashians sold to E! and People magazine was just a tawdry reality TV ploy and not a real romantic relationship. Kim’s attorney is going to try to prove that Kim is such an obvious whore, how could you not know it was all for the money? While Kris is going to try to prove that he’s so fucking stupid he was the only man in America who didn’t see that coming. If there’s any justice, the divorce court judge will sentence them both to death.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Isn’t Fat, She’s Pregnant

By Lex April 09, 2013 @ 8:42 AM

Or so her sister Khloe would have you believe. Khloe finds it ‘disgusting’ how people are rudely focused on Kim’s blowing up since pregnant. Somewhat conveniently, Khloe doesn’t find it so disgusting to expose the intimacies of herself, her husband, her sisters, little half-sisters, babies, friends, and innocent bystanders on TV in order to turn a buck. The Kardashians can also fake that all for cash too. So I guess what Khloe’s really saying is that it’s disgusting to make fun of her sister for free, but if you’ve got an Amex Black, you can donkey punch Kim while calling her the Hindenburg. It’s all good, so long as your card clears.

In Desperate Need Of Attention, Ray J Fires Shots At Kanye West

By Travis April 08, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Rapper Ray J is famous because he made a really boring sex tape with Kim Kardashian before anybody knew who she was, but while Kim went on to create a reality TV empire, Ray J is still just that dude who had sex with Kim Kardashian. Apparently that’s changing, though, because Ray J will soon star as the host of Oxygen’s Bad Girls Club All-Star Battle, and I wouldn’t have known that unless he Tweeted the above image for his new single “I Hit it First”.

The pixelated image is a callback to this picture of Kim, and the title is obviously a shot at her boyfriend and baby daddy, Kanye West. Some people have called this a bold marketing move by Ray J, but it’s been 6 years since he had sex with Kim and she’s been dating Kanye for as long as she’s been waiting to finalize her divorce from Kris Humphries. So call it what it is – some dude with a new TV show saying, “Hey everyone, look at me!”

In the good old days of rap, Ray J’s body would have been found in a dumpster 2 minutes after that picture hit the web, but knowing Kanye, he’ll probably respond by making his own sex tape with Kim during a concert for Obama at Madison Square Garden. Hell, I’d watch.

Ryan Lochte Wants To Make A Sex Tape With Ray J

By Travis April 05, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

In a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte spills the beans on his hopes and dreams, as the star of E!’s new reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, wants everyone in America to accept him as an entertainment icon.

Having previously admitted that he wants to be an actor and a world class movie star, it turns out that the guy who trademarked the made up word “JEAH” is following in the footsteps of one very special celebrity.

Ryan Lochte knows exactly what he wants. He wants to be Kim Kardashian — and isn’t ashamed to admit it.

“Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is,” he says. “That’s what I want to do.”

Technically, Kim started from a lot of money. Then she built herself up with a sex tape and rode that to collecting Kanye West’s sperm in her womb to lock down half of his fortune and an infinite TV deal. Lochte, despite his lack of charisma, personality and acting talent, actually achieved fame because he was good at something, in this case swimming.

So if he really wants to be a famous actor or even just a beloved reality TV star, he should pave his own path and defy the odds that we’ve stacked against him. That is, unless he wants to make a sex tape with Kate Upton, in which case we’d probably watch that.

Kim Kardashian Is Never Coming Back

By Lex April 04, 2013 @ 12:05 PM

Kim Kardashian Pregnant Cleavage Ice Cream
I remember a day not so long ago when people would say, ‘Sure, Kim Kardashian is a soul-less conniving Succubus who needs to be stricken form this planet like polio or that French Stewart guy, BUT, she’s still hot and I’d do her.’ Now what? Outside of the few of you who like to go turtling with the billowing neck BBWs, what’s left in the Kim Kardashian apologist tank? She did suddenly find religion after her martial scam was publicly exposed, she spent four hours on the ground in Haiti throwing faux pearls to the hungry peasant children, and she does inspire with the cliche Tweets about being the best you can be and ignoring haters. But that isn’t much. It’s truly time for Kim to go. I doubt such a large object could simply fade into the sunset, so maybe a push out to sea, another floating Pacific Garbage Patch for strident pamphleteers to assault you about outside head shops.

Photo Credit: Splash, Fameflynet