Kim Kardashian has decided to turn her biggest weakness into a strength, turn that threat into an opportunity, take those lemons and make herself some lemonade. After all the ribbing about her ballooning up like a zeppelin since being rap star seeded in her latest familial money making scheme, Kim has decided to just show off the belly as a source of pride. I say, good for you, Kim. You go, girl. Take those slings and arrows and turn them into satisfaction in your swelling bastard baby bump. Also, you should wear crotchless pants in public to show off the gaping vag from whence your moneybags will be born. And your lipid-injected ass and saline-bag laden udders, from whence the fame began. Kim, show us your pride.
I’m not sure Spanx are good for a gestating baby, but I’m guessing it’s slightly higher up the baby health chart than amphetamine laced diet powders. Still, if this bastard pops out with an awkward shaped head, I’d blame it on the industrial strength girdles Kim is wearing. Eventually that Rosemary’s Baby is going to be birthed, the world is going to end, and Kim will be nibbling on Satan’s pitchfork in exchange for a reality show deal in Hell. But not for three more months.
If a dude shot this peekaboo bikini stalker video of Kendall Jenner, we’d convene a meeting of the HOA to figure out how to drive him out of town. But it’s far more sinister than that. It’s Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian, like two cunning witch sisters eying their more attractive taller younger slender half-sister and realizing that she’s about to pown their cauldron. You don’t steal fame from a couple of wily fame whores without a smart plan, and smart plans aren’t Kendall’s thing. If you watch closely you can see Khloe sprinkling SENSA® over her baby half-sister in anticipation of The Consumption.
What would you do if you threw a big movie awards show and nobody noticed? If you’re MTV, you could plot the death of even more of your crappy reality show stars. It’d give the press something to talk about other than the fact that you changed the date of your Movie Awards and nobody remembered. Just last week I was just thinking, fuck, I probably have to go cover the MTV Movie Awards again this June, then, blammo, nope, they happened last night. Kim Kardashian did show up looking like the world’s largest bat, but if that’s all you got, it’s a sure sign people forgot your party.
By the way, if you bet on Taylor Lautner in Breaking Dawn Part 2 to win best shirtless moment, you might think you won, but someday you’ll realize you did not.
In one month we finally get to the divorce trial of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphreys. In case you’re wondering who to root for in this contest of The Whore vs. The Dude Dumb Enough to Believe He Could Tap the Whore’s Ass For Free, you can’t go wrong with ‘meteor’.
I didn’t know they even had divorce trials any more for people without kids. Apparently it’s what the wealthy still do versus most of us who get to say, ‘You get the ’87 Outback. I get the dog. And yeah, I fucked your best friend that time you went to visit your parents. Goodbye forever!‘
Kim put out her witness list for the trial and it not so surprisingly contains her Lying Cheating Grifter Mom, always a reliable witness, and Kris Humphreys himself. Now that’s going to be a doozy. At question will be whether or not Humphreys knew all along that the engagement and wedding the Kardashians sold to E! and People magazine was just a tawdry reality TV ploy and not a real romantic relationship. Kim’s attorney is going to try to prove that Kim is such an obvious whore, how could you not know it was all for the money? While Kris is going to try to prove that he’s so fucking stupid he was the only man in America who didn’t see that coming. If there’s any justice, the divorce court judge will sentence them both to death.
Or so her sister Khloe would have you believe. Khloe finds it ‘disgusting’ how people are rudely focused on Kim’s blowing up since pregnant. Somewhat conveniently, Khloe doesn’t find it so disgusting to expose the intimacies of herself, her husband, her sisters, little half-sisters, babies, friends, and innocent bystanders on TV in order to turn a buck. The Kardashians can also fake that all for cash too. So I guess what Khloe’s really saying is that it’s disgusting to make fun of her sister for free, but if you’ve got an Amex Black, you can donkey punch Kim while calling her the Hindenburg. It’s all good, so long as your card clears.