Even These Tired Armenian Whores Couldn’t Make the VMAs Interesting

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

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I don’t know what the hell happened at most of this year’s VMA Awards. I fell asleep when Beyonce was singing something really loud and woke up two hours later and she was still fucking singing. Then she had a staged kiss with Jay Z and slapped him when she saw he was holding a baby she didn’t remember having. The show opened strong when everybody got to pretend that Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction wasn’t setup or wonder why she was the only one of three singers outfitted with a hands-free microphone so her hands could hold her dress front together. Minor complains compared to the horrible shit for music teenage girls like these days. You know, as opposed to past generations when teenage girls had awesome taste in music.

The true highlight of the evening came when Miley Cyrus won some Nobel award for Wrecking Ball and sent up a dude in her stead to give a speech about homeless young people in America. Miley sobbed in the audience as the former street teen from Oregon handsome enough to have been molested by Gus Van Sant during casting calls for My Own Private Idaho spoke about a charity Miley had set up on her Facebook page to help unsheltered young persons. Miley just met the guy on Tuesday. I guess they bonded super quick. Since she’s promoting a charity it’d be wrong to suggest Miley used him to wipe the slate clean from a year again when she ass ground Robin Thicke’s cock out of his marriage. MTV  is really not ideal viewing for people who ask follow up questions.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty, Splash

Kim Kardashian Takes An Ass Selfie

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 9:24 AM

Kim Kardashian Takes A Bikini Selfie For Instagram
Technically, since her staff of eleven was involved in the shot, it’s less of a selfie and more of a heavily staged ass sculpture. But if this is any indication of the quality of the photos in Kim Kardashian’s selfies coffee table book, expect men masturbating in the reading areas of the Barnes and Noble to rise significantly. There’s nothing finer than a short woman with an enormously fat injected ass who’s taking a piece of the action in the nation’s hottest selling app for non-gifted girls 12-17.

Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instgram

Kim Kardashian Book Of Selfies May Contain Sex Pics

By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 11:41 AM

Kim Kardashian Posts A Selfie To Instagram
Kim Kardashian’s book of selfies is set to rock the publishing world just in time for Christmas. If that Pulitzer prize nominated fucker isn’t peeking out of my stocking on the morning of December 25, I’m going to curb stomp Santa and make his reindeer watch. You could skip the book and just look at Kim’s social media accounts for her maggot harvest of staged candid portraits, but Kim wouldn’t be the top money whore in the Kardashian clan if she didn’t already have that covered:

Selfies are so fun. I have accumulated so many selfies over the years that no one’s seen… there’s even a section of all the selfies I sent Kanye over the years, really racy ones. He kept them, and they might make the book.

Actually, selfies are the duck faced portraits you post to social media so your five best sycophantic friends can write, ‘Only you LOL SMH’. Taking pictures of yourself stuffing Kanye’s certified platinum Late Registration album in and out of your fetid crotch isn’t a selfie, it’s a sex pic. I get that selfies are so fun. Especially when reading and writing and completing simple number patterns are off the table. But if you’re not publishing the Van Nuys donkey show pics, who’s buying a compilation of your already digitally free visual tributes to yourself? That’s rhetorical. I know the literal answer is total fucking losers.

Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

Kardashians Boycott Their Own Show

By Matt August 13, 2014 @ 7:39 AM

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Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are refusing to film the new season of their show until the person stealing their jewelry is caught. It is unclear if this is a stunt born of desperation for material or if they have hidden their baubles to collect insurance money as is the want of their grifter lineage. It’s also possible someone is actually stealing their shit and this is the first ostensibly genuine ordeal to ever surround any of their lives since their dad hid Khloe’s real dad’s knife in his brief case.

The sisters are convinced someone who works for their show is jacking their stuff, because only someone completely morally bankrupt could devise story lines or even spread gaffers tape for them before gouging their eyeballs out with a diamond encrusted crucifix. Now they want the crew to take polygraphs and confirm that everyone involved lives in a hate filled house of cards. Its unclear how the sisters will cope with the anxiety around victimhood,  but my money says it involves packing on weight and buying expensive evening wear.

Kim Kardashian’s Ass Attracts Police Attention

By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Kim Kardashian Gets Checked Out In A Low Cut Top In New York
Two things. First, you can never blame a guy for staring at Kim Kardashian’s ass. It belongs in The Collector’s glass showcase. I don’t care if it’s Obama, a cop, me, you, or even Kevin Spacey. We’re all looking. Second, deep down, every guy thinks he can score with Kim Kardashian. Not logically. You know you need a heaping load of cash and a high celebrity or sports profile to enter Ass Oz. But, her persona screams slut and despite the endless attempts to civilize man, we can’t help but imagine railing her and pretending our name is ‘Randy’ with a fake phone number. This scene could only get better if Kanye took an angry gangster swipe at the cop for staring down his chick and then got a Welcome to N.Y. baton beat down. Life is never that perfect.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com

Kim Kardashian Is One Of Us

By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Arriving At Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ughhhh my hips and butt are huge now! They were big to begin with.

Women have long employed self-effacing criticism as the primary means of introduction. It’s a social bonding precursor. I’m fat. I hate myself. Therefore, I’m lovable and won’t fuck your man so invite me to your coffee klatch. Somebody on Kim’s paid social media team figured this dynamic out recently and started Tweeting every-woman posts about needing to lose twenty pounds and how her ass was too huge even though she controls the precise size of her dumpster through fat injections and nanorobotics. Naturally, Kim’s sympathetic I’m the Fantine friendly kind of whore public persona worked. If Satan stormed up from Hades and announced he can’t find a bikini that fits and he’s got cramps he’s immediately have 5,000 retweets.

OK no more tweeting and procrastinating! LOL Glad some of u moms can relate. I’m reading the comments! For real….of to the gym! …Wish me luck on the dieting…it’s soooo hard for me!”

LOL indeed, Kim Kardashian social media team. Nanorobotics are cool. But science won’t mean anything until I can reach through my Twitter feed and bitch slap people soooo they feel it.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash