By Lex June 05, 2015 @ 12:28 PM
Even as smallpox are still being scraped off the flocking of the Matterhorn, the Kardashians have decided to rent out Disneyland for North’s upcoming second birthday. You may recall North as the bastard child of Kim Kardashian by way of Yeezus seed and the dark arts. No fault to the child. Though some diligent member of Opus Dei will have to dispose of her mortal coils before the presence of six spring lambs. That’s technically not a crime in China. The Kardashians have previously rented out AT&T Park in San Francisco for Kanye and Kim’s engagement party. Also so everybody could watch them fuck on the Jumbotron. And previously they took over the Magic Mountain amusement park in California for Kendall’s eighteenth birthday.
Disneyland rakes something like five to ten million a day in revenues. Not likely they’re taking over the entire park, but they could bribe Walt’s freeze dried corpse with a million bucks to close a couple hours early to let the whorelets run amok and discuss Vagina Dad’s sex change in front of the Hall of Presidents. It’s all fun and games until Khloe stares catatonic at Monstro for three hours then shits her pants. Time to go. Disney does not believe in unhappy endings.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex June 03, 2015 @ 10:32 AM
If you think an ass pregnancy is going to stop Kim Kardashian from strapping into a molded plastic dress and flashing her cans to push product, fuck, you don’t think that. Stepdad isn’t the only one getting paid to show off his tits. There’s mouths to feed and your Kim Kardashian Dance Like You’re Working for Tips mobile game for tweens is down in sales three percent this quarter. Dad can’t sell records forever. Covering your ass with a dress made of the same shit you inject into your ass.. That’s called genius. When the ocean’s rise another half inch because you like your dairy products refrigerated, cling to Kim. She’s incapable of drowning.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex June 02, 2015 @ 8:30 AM
What if you were an attention whore and got pregnant and nobody noticed? It’s like it never really happened. News that Kim Kardashian was now carrying future ex-husband rapper baby number two made it about a tenth of a parsec across the Internet before Vagina Dad’s picture appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair and ruined everything. Narcissism is a fixed pie universe. Even though Caitlyn Jenner’s soon to be vagina will never know the miracle of gaping for a half black half dummy baby head, her explosion of womanhood sucked up every ounce of oxygen devoted to the mouth breathing masses who follow the Kardashians. What’s the point of a fetus if it’s not getting you retweets. May this future educationally challenged child be born onto this earth never knowing how close they came on this day to being aborted with Khloe’s fist and a desire to make her older sister stop crying.
Photo credit: Getty Images/FameFlynet
By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announce he has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman. This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure and had orchestrated his plans with a bunch of educationally challenged bobble heads with fake tits.
Jenner plans to tweak his face a bit more then circle back to The Big Snip. The Kardashian sisters seemed surprised by his plans even though the show is entirely scripted. Kendall and the big one cried although it was hard to tell if they were tears of joy or if they were thinking about Tupac and how they never got a chance to suck his dick and how his hologram might taste. Bruce will be appearing on an upcoming E! reality show of his own detailing his surgeries and journey into womanhood. It’d be beautiful if it weren’t so viscerally disturbing and cynically plotted for cash and attention. Even shit once tasted good.
Photo Credit: E!Entertainment/Youtube
By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 10:37 AM
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.
Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!
By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 1:43 PM
There’s an ease in knowing exactly what you are. You are tits and ass. You make a fortune being tits and ass. In a silver box your mom keeps a note she wrote when you were born hoping someday you’d grow up to be tits and ass. Kim Kardashian didn’t hesitate when selecting photos from her soon to be released Selfies book to pretend were leaked early. Tits and ass. You’re Aaron Rodgers. The world knows you’re going to Jordy Nelson. We just can’t find a way to stop you.
Photo Credit: “Selfie”/Instagram