By Lex May 26, 2014 @ 12:47 PM
That giant sucking sound you’re hearing isn’t the economy, it’s Kim Kardashian thanking Kanye West legally tying himself to Kim over the weekend in front of David Blaine and a horde of rappers, reality star succubi, and Bruce Jenner looking like Aphrodite herself. The couple married at an historical Italian fortress before the giant wall of peonies the couple set up to deter God from striking Kim with lightning as she appeared in virginal white. There was also a brilliant white piano symbolizing the ebony and ivory harmony between Kim and Kanye. Also, that Kanye intends to rail Kim in her fat-injected dumper 88 times before he goes on tour and gets back to his regular whores. Do you Kanye Omari West, take this cobbled together offal parts money sucking skank to be your primary bitch for the next twelve to eighteen months until the sweeps week E! Breakup special? I duz. Cue Kris Jenner’s cackle so evil that Satan himself got embarrassed.
Here’s the official wedding guest list used at the event. You can blow it up and see who won the golden ticket. The highlighted names represent those who Kim has let finger her for cash. They were seated at similar tables so they’d have an easy conversation starter.
Photo credit: FameFlynet (above), Pacific Coast News (below)
By Lex May 23, 2014 @ 12:39 PM
Kim Kardashian gathered up her sisters and half-sisters, some of her BFFs, and a half dozen or so of her entourage and handlers to make her Parisian bachelorette dinner look robust and happy. It was like the Last Supper of fame whores. Kim isn’t about to be nailed to the cross, but she is about to be nailed by her new husband, which has to be daunting for any woman who has held her maidenhead so sacrosanct for her new life partner. What will sex be like? Will I feel like a woman? Will I flinch when he poops on my face and tells me to eat it, bitch? If only Kim had a mom to talk to who had also been married multiple times and slept around with black celebrities like she was going for a Guinness Record.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com
By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 5:30 PM
Unlike so many other couples in Hollywood canceling their weddings, Kim and Kayne are locked and loaded and pre-paid into this event on Saturday. The two Parisian imported intellects attempted to go unrecognized by the ten thousand cameramen following them everywhere they go by covering their faces with bandanas. Mon dieu, I wonder who that veiled women with an ass like a Lascaux cave buffalo is with Kanye West? What name shall we report to our Communist newspapers? Kim has been seen eating tons of ice cream and other fattening shit in Paris, presumably unstarving herself in an attempt to keep her word to get legitimately pregnant as soon as Kanye says I duz. In this manner she can ensure the fate of her bastard daughter North as a stripper slash Japanese import car model.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Kim Kardashian’s big wedding to Kanye West this weekend won’t be perfect unless it also offers a stupid dramatic angle that can be exploited on her TV show once she’s done collecting the millions of dollars that she’ll be receiving just for getting married for a third time. Her stepbrother Brody Jenner was more than willing to provide that drama when he chose not to attend the wedding because Kim wouldn’t invite his girlfriend, Kaitlynn Carter, according to Us Weekly. On one hand, Kim’s right to not want the girl that Brody has only been dating for seven months to be at her wedding, taking pictures and sharing them with god knows who. But on the other hand, would it really be that much of an inconvenience to take one of Rob Kardashian’s meals away from him so one more person can attend?
Photo Credit: Brody Jenner’s Instagram
By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 6:27 PM
You may have heard by now the entire Kardashian French wedding thing was a bit of a hoax as Kanye and his blushing maiden are to be married in a medieval palace this weekend outside of Florence, Italy. It’s a fortress where the Florentine aristocrats used to barricade themselves when communicable disease broke out in the city. For some serious American dollars, after five hundred years the landlords are swinging open the gates and allowing the communicable disease to come to them. Kim has been letting her titties hang free in preparation to slip commando into her virginal white gown for the wedding. Kim’s implants are composed mainly of silicon, with the addition of beeswax and crunched up breakfast cereal for a crackle effect when you finish on her tits. Not every woman thinks ahead like that. Which is why not every woman is worth $40 million despite not a modicum of talent.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
This weekend’s wedding between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West in Florence, Italy is supposed to be a small, personal affair that will only feature the closest of friends and family, and probably two chairs for Rob Kardashian. Of course, small and personal doesn’t mean humble or understated, because among the many luxuries that are bound to be revealed along the way, Lana Del Rey has been booked to sing her song “Young and Beautiful” for the special couple. According to Mirror, after Lana previously declined Kanye’s offer to perform at his baseball stadium engagement, she has now accepted six figures for the wedding, because self-respect and art don’t mean shit when it comes to pocketing that dirty sex tape money.