Rob Kardashian Too Fat To Be on the Bride Side

By Jack March 11, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.

Kim Kardashian And Blac Chyna Are Like Two Peas in a Hooker Pod

By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:33 PM

Kim Kardashian And Blac Chyna Film 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' And Heading For A Work Out In Sherman Oaks
It’s hard to imagine what Kim Kardashian finds in common with a former stripper who’s got a bastard baby with a rapper, big fake tits, and butt implants. But Blac Chyna has been named Kim Kardashian’s official bestie, inheriting all the rank and responsibility that comes with the title. Mostly you just have to punch Kim in the uterus after sex with wealthy foreign industrialists so she is never filmed visiting an abortion clinic. Also, you have to carry the wart cream and binge eating money in your clutch. The two gentle flowers spent the afternoon in a private workout session with just a trainer and the barely noticeable six-man reality show film crew. If it doesn’t happen on camera for Kim, it doesn’t really happen. This includes meals, sex, marriages, divorces, paid dates, and whatever comes out of her ass after consuming nothing but diet powder and artificially sweetened chocolate fudge soda.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI

Kim Kardashian Got Back Just in Time

By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 1:33 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Cleavage At Elton John's Oscar Viewing Party
If you’re throwing a The AIDS party, you’ve just got to have Kim Kardashian. The kung-fu gripping porn star made her way back from hooking across the European continent in time to celebrate with a bunch of other girls who have no chance of ever showing off their tits on the actual Oscar stage. For kickers, Kim brought along her trainable sisters who completely unwittingly formed the shape of an HIV lentivirus, leading to the first smile of the evening from the guy from The AIDS Foundation who bites his tongue once a year at this party of nitwits so he can keep his funding.

Photo Credit: WENN

Kim Kardashian Is One Super Crappy Escort

By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 2:40 PM

Kim Kardashian As Richard Lugner's Date For The Vienna Ball
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:

It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.

I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:

She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.

A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kim and Kanye Targeted for Their Groundbreaking Interracial Sex

By Jack February 19, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

Kim Kardashian backed her bastard baby daddy Kanye West by saying that TMZ only goes after them because they are racist. This past weekend Kanye went on one of his epic rants in which he said that the only reason that the media in general and TMZ in particular went after them is because they are ebony and ivory. Kim let TMZ know it saying,”It was very insightful.” I think the part of this that surprises me the most is that Kim knows the word ‘insightful’. Up until now I thought she only spoke in guttural moans and slurping fellatio onomatopoeia. It is possible one of her seventeen handlers assisted her with the lingo. Naturally, Kim is only partially correct. There is no doubt a media draw from the interracial nature of this romantic coupling. But as far as making them targets in the press, interracial probably falls to about about reason number eighteen just slightly behind kicker SEO terms such as celebrity, scandal, tits, Kardashian, Yeezus, anal, anal-to-mouth, jackass, midget, bad rap music, sex tape, self-promotion, and pulling a train in the Saints locker room.

Kim Kardashian Is Calling In The C-List Guns

By Travis February 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

In a very important reminder that she still technically has a job, Kim Kardashian filmed a segment of her “reality” series at a high end baby store in Los Angeles yesterday. And to show that she’s really still one of the most powerful women in the world with scores of A-list celebrity friends at her disposal, Kim was with Ciara, who is a singer or actress or something like that. Needless to say, a small crowd of idiots formed to gawk at Kim, so she put on her most serious “I just queefed and the aroma is stunning” face and she looked down the whole way to make sure that she didn’t trip over her own giant ass that was squeezed into a ridiculously tight leather skirt.

Photo Credits: Michael Wright/WENN.com