Yeezy’s Pedophile Booty Dreams Come to Life

By Lex February 13, 2015 @ 9:26 AM

Kanye-West-Launches-Yeezy-Boots
I don’t know what the fuck Kanye was selling last night. I think it was blank faced children in nude bodysuits. A horde of stolen Ukrainian teen sex slaves came marching out in suede booties to the sound of Kanye West’s voice booming on about engineering greatness once more. I don’t know. I feel like pedophilia has been around for a while. As have Northern Jersey hooker boots. Adidas got involved in this mess because they’re losing market share in lifestyle clothing outside of Iran where they maintain a stranglehold on fashion. Beyonce, Rihanna, and Diddy all applauded from the front row as Anna Wintour thought of ways to choke out North West who was screaming beside her. The kid’s not a brat, she just knows shitty overpriced footwear when she sees it.

Suck on that Beck, you non-pedo, non suede booty fashion supervisor.

Photo Credit: INF/Splash/Instagram

Baby North Got Her First Fur

By Lex February 12, 2015 @ 11:24 AM

Mama Kim Kardashian Got Baby North Her First Fur
People who love animals a whole lot are mortified that Kim Kardashian purchased fur for her gentle bastard daughter. I believe that’s badger. Protestors fail to understand Kim’s plan to shuffle North out into the woods to live an existence away from cameras and spotlights and magazine interviews where mom says she loves to take big cocks from behind. The fur will help North blend until such time as she can construct shelter and suss out food sources. If that fails, it’ll keep search and rescue from finding her body before the shocking conclusion to the final season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Bruce Jenner just killed a woman for real. The bar has been raised.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Opens Wide

By Lex February 11, 2015 @ 2:32 PM

Kim Kardashian Super Busty While Out And About In NYC
Kim Kardashian’s tits are the window to her soul. The porn star opened her sanctuary of deep thoughts for an interview conducted by Cara Delevingne. Should you ever be interviewed by a rich British chick who’s finger banging your half-sister, forget the pretense. She already knows.

The buxom brunette admitted that her favorite sexual position is “from the back” and that there’s no such thing as being “too big.”

Naturally, you don’t build a castle then fit it with a tiny door. People, animals, large motorized equipment, they all need to pass. Kim dismissed the notion that her sex tape was the stepping stone to all her amazing accomplishments as both a woman and a whore:

Maybe that’s how some people heard about me, but I didn’t launch my career off of that…That was 12 years ago, no 13 years ago now.

Or eight. Followed six months later by the launch of the E! reality show that made her famous.

When someone asks me, ‘What do you do?’ Under my breath I want to say, ‘Ask my fucking bank account what I do.

To be fair, that’s a good line. Because, fuck you for ever putting down how anyone makes their money. We’re not Salem pilgrims sinisterly entranced by the loose town witch.

“I always pee all over my Spanx, it’s a disaster. They aren’t crotchless enough!”

Trust me when I say that nobody who pulls down your drawers expects you to smell fresh. Kim also conceded that Kourtney once dashed behind the drapes to take a leak on a Miami hotel lobby floor. Are these girls pigs or just completely awesome free spirits? You are correct. The answer was pigs.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Cara Delevingne Working Kendall and Kylie

By Lex February 06, 2015 @ 12:30 PM

Cara Delevingne Gets Close To Two Kardashians For Love Magazine Solve Sundsbo
This savvy vagina hunter is barely lifting a finger these days. Her snatch is aerosolizing scents programmed to intoxicate illiterate young women within a thirty click radius. Her kill list reads like the VIP rolls inside the Hollywood Red Tent. It must be some kind of bet she has going. Nobody loves high maintenance pussy this much.

Photo Credit: Solve Sundsbo for Love Magazine

Kim Kardashian Nude in the Crease

By Lex February 06, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

Kim-Kardashian-Nude-And-Eyebrowless-In-Love-Magazine
Will I be forced to give Kim Kardashian credit for appearing creviced and pucker skinned naked in Love Magazine? Fuck, she’s not even wearing eyebrows. This is like POV German porn. Did they take her tits and put them on her younger sister in those earlier pictures? Was that some fucked up social statement about the objectification of women’s bodies? Which ones will the McDonald’s workers be tributing in the prep kitchen before tartaring up the the Filet O’ Fish sandwiches. Once again, Kim’s snatch leaves us with more questions than answers.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Kendall Jenner Topless With Somebody Else’s Tits

By Lex February 06, 2015 @ 9:51 AM

Kendall Jenner Covered Topless For Love Magazine
I thought the Supreme Court or the Justice League or Alyssa Milano’s mom made it illegal to put fake bare tits on the faces of famous people. Maybe the law states that if you get paid in fat dollars the commandos can’t bust in through the windows and confiscate the printing presses. I’m not sure who green-lit this abomination. You had the world’s most famous porn family on the clock for eight hours and you went and warped up all their pay worthy bits. Who is this for exactly? The Kardashians are the human equivalent of 7-Eleven frozen burritos. You don’t art them up. You shove them in your mouth when you’re drunk at 3am and await the painful shit. Somebody needs to get fired. Or killed. There’s never a fatwa around when you need it.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine