Kardashians Boycott Their Own Show

By Matt August 13, 2014 @ 7:39 AM

KKK

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are refusing to film the new season of their show until the person stealing their jewelry is caught. It is unclear if this is a stunt born of desperation for material or if they have hidden their baubles to collect insurance money as is the want of their grifter lineage. It’s also possible someone is actually stealing their shit and this is the first ostensibly genuine ordeal to ever surround any of their lives since their dad hid Khloe’s real dad’s knife in his brief case.

The sisters are convinced someone who works for their show is jacking their stuff, because only someone completely morally bankrupt could devise story lines or even spread gaffers tape for them before gouging their eyeballs out with a diamond encrusted crucifix. Now they want the crew to take polygraphs and confirm that everyone involved lives in a hate filled house of cards. Its unclear how the sisters will cope with the anxiety around victimhood,  but my money says it involves packing on weight and buying expensive evening wear.

Kim Kardashian’s Ass Attracts Police Attention

By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Kim Kardashian Gets Checked Out In A Low Cut Top In New York
Two things. First, you can never blame a guy for staring at Kim Kardashian’s ass. It belongs in The Collector’s glass showcase. I don’t care if it’s Obama, a cop, me, you, or even Kevin Spacey. We’re all looking. Second, deep down, every guy thinks he can score with Kim Kardashian. Not logically. You know you need a heaping load of cash and a high celebrity or sports profile to enter Ass Oz. But, her persona screams slut and despite the endless attempts to civilize man, we can’t help but imagine railing her and pretending our name is ‘Randy’ with a fake phone number. This scene could only get better if Kanye took an angry gangster swipe at the cop for staring down his chick and then got a Welcome to N.Y. baton beat down. Life is never that perfect.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com

Kim Kardashian Is One Of Us

By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 2:44 PM

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Arriving At Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ughhhh my hips and butt are huge now! They were big to begin with.

Women have long employed self-effacing criticism as the primary means of introduction. It’s a social bonding precursor. I’m fat. I hate myself. Therefore, I’m lovable and won’t fuck your man so invite me to your coffee klatch. Somebody on Kim’s paid social media team figured this dynamic out recently and started Tweeting every-woman posts about needing to lose twenty pounds and how her ass was too huge even though she controls the precise size of her dumpster through fat injections and nanorobotics. Naturally, Kim’s sympathetic I’m the Fantine friendly kind of whore public persona worked. If Satan stormed up from Hades and announced he can’t find a bikini that fits and he’s got cramps he’s immediately have 5,000 retweets.

OK no more tweeting and procrastinating! LOL Glad some of u moms can relate. I’m reading the comments! For real….of to the gym! …Wish me luck on the dieting…it’s soooo hard for me!”

LOL indeed, Kim Kardashian social media team. Nanorobotics are cool. But science won’t mean anything until I can reach through my Twitter feed and bitch slap people soooo they feel it.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash

Kim Kardashian’s Whore App Is Innocent

By Matt August 05, 2014 @ 8:43 AM

KimHollywood

Ayelet Waldman went on a Twitter rant because her kid got duped by Kim Kardashian’s pretend shopping app. The game allows you to buy shit that does not exist, which is a slightly worse bargain than shelling out a thousand bucks for a K Mart clutch with Chanel written on it. Waldman is known for being frustrated by the rigors of domestic life and was actually held at gunpoint in South Asia and forced to procreate. You won’t see that in most tourism board brochures. Her 11 year old son apparently lost $120 dollars playing the game because he got suckered in by the promo where Kim promises to fuck pubescent boys into men if they can find their parents credit card numbers.. Waldman took to social media and blamed everyone but herself for allowing her dumb kid access to such garbage:

“The Kardashian Hollywood game somehow bypassed our parental in-app purchase controls. Our poor 11 year old spent $120 in 2 days. He’s crying hysterically. He can’t believe he lost so much money. A pox on those vile scumbag Kardashian pigs and their app designers.”

Vile scumbag pigs is not overreaching for the Kardashians. Like they care. But Waldman mostly sounds like a shitty parent who needs to spring for guitar lessons for her son and maybe in a quiet time ask him if he really wants to be a girl in heels.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kim Kardashian Topless Wedding Photo

By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 7:54 AM

Kim-Kardashian-Topless-Prior-to-Wedding

Kim Kardashian posted a topless photo of herself getting fitted for a wedding dress. Kim was forced to wait for several hours as her Beverly Hills designers kidnapped an old woman from Prague who could hand sew to such extreme convex body measurements. After she completed knitting the extreme dress, the elderly Czech fell ill and passed away within a couple seconds. Secrecy was paramount prior to the official selling of the wedding photos.

It is a mystery why anyone would find a topless photo of Kardashian titillating when you could simply Google a video of her getting pounded in traditional porno lighting with her nipples, vagina, and asshole exposed. Usually you work up to that. If I had seen my high school girlfriend getting lotion slammed by Ray J I probably would have skipped first base all together and gone straight to public orgies beneath the bleachers. Apparently Kim’s legal team has sued the Internet into believing anyone still gives a shit about seeing her naked.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kim Kardashian and Joe Francis Show Off Their Respective Asses

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 9:42 AM

Kim-Kardashian-and-Joe-Francis-Pregnant-Girlfriend
The jaunty Instagram elf so totally caught Kim Kardashian off-guard when he snapped this candid of her thong ass after only four hours of lighting, prepping and staging. Next to Kim you can see the poor sap who let herself get pregnant by Joe Francis who I thought was doing a dime in Alcatraz for not living up to the Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes code of conduct. Kim captioned the absolutely candid photo ‘#OurLovelyLadyLumps’ comparing Joe’s bastard twin babies brewing in a woman who lacks foresight  and Kim’s grotesquely manufactured ass cheeks. Or, you know, just a couple of Lovely Lady Lumps. I have to believe it’s photos like these that keep Jesus from coming back.

Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram