Kim Kardashian is suing In Touch

By brendon June 08, 2011 @ 11:18 AM

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In Touch, who is no doubt still strutting around after breaking the story that Jesse James was cheating on Sandra Bullock, goes to newsstands today claiming that Kim Kardashian has been cheating on her fiance for the past 5 months, with NFL, ahem, “star” Brett Lockett. Apparently Kim’s been all over him, but since she lives her life in such quiet seclusion, we just never saw them together or heard about it. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

Needless to say she’s suing.

(Kim is) threatening “In Touch” that if it ran the cheating story Kim would take legal action.  The letter put “In Touch” on notice; the cheating allegations “are, at a minimum, damaging, defamatory, and an invasion of her privacy.”
Kim’s reps tell TMZ Kim has never even met or spoken with Lockett. 
In the story, Lockett is quoted, saying, “I knew this was a game to her, and this is what she does.”  Lockett adds, “She pursued me.”

This really feels like a publicity stunt by Lockett, who also says he’s a model and a rapper, and In Touch doesn’t do themselves any favors by playing along and labeling him a “NFL star”. He’s a safety for the Patriots, with 7 tackles in two seasons. I’ve never even heard of Bret Lockett, and I’m on the Patriots.

Thursday headlines, with Michelle Hunziker in a bikini

By brendon June 02, 2011 @ 7:34 PM

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ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – had lunch with his son Patrick today, and things seem to go fine. Which sucks because wouldn’t it be badass if he went all apeshit with some kind of Oedipus complex. The Kennedys are all nuts so I figure there’s still time. (popeater)

KIM KARDASHIAN – is now engaged of course, but was the proposal filmed as footage for her reality show? Oh gosh, I wonder what the answer is. (people)

JANE LYNCH – will host the Emmys this year, a very prestigious honor only trusted to those who have proven they can read a teleprompter. (la times)

MICHELLE HUNZIKER – has been lounging around at the beach in Varigotti, Italy, for about a week now. Because she’s a model. What the hell did you think she was gonna do, go around solving crimes? (splash news)

Kim Kardashian is not pregnant

By brendon June 01, 2011 @ 1:44 PM

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The new issue of life and style says that Kim Kardashian wants to get married in the next two months, and now OK maybe knows the reason why; because the godless whore has been laying down with a man and having intercourse. And now she’s pregnant!

Except she’s not! And OK knows she’s not. But that would make a boring cover, so instead they came up with a calculated way to deceive people, as Kim explained on her website earlier today.

“Magazines can be so tricky with their wording! The inside states that one day I want a baby! But I’m not pregnant!”

Oh good. Thanks OK. This is a much better way to write a magazine. It’s more fun when I have to analyze every sentence and crack the code to discover the truth. It’s like I’m Indiana Jones.

Kim Kardashians 15yo sister is on birth control

By brendon May 27, 2011 @ 12:57 PM

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The new season of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ begins on June 12th, and in the latest commercial it’s revealed that 15-year-old Kendall Jenner is already on birth control.

Yeah this seems like it’s gonna end well.

In the teaser promo for the new season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians,’ Bruce Jenner is less than pleased when he finds his daughter’s stash of birth control pills.
“She is on birth control, but I’m the one who has all the talks with her,” Khloe Kardashian told E! News.
Kardashian continued, “It’s not that reason why she’s on birth control,” insinuating that Jenner’s use of the pill is for other medical issues.

It may seem irresponsible to put a 15-year-old on birth control, but the chilling reality is we live in a world where 15-year-olds get pregnant every day, often on purpose. That’s why I use a condom, every time, whether they say they’re on birth control or not.

E! probably paid for Kim Kardashians wedding ring

By brendon May 26, 2011 @ 12:49 PM

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Remember when Khloe Kardashian got married, and there was leaked audio from her wedding with the producers of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ telling her what to say and do the whole time?

Oh. You don’t remember that? Oh well pardon me your majesty.

Point being, now Kim Kardashian is engaged, and she stands to make millions from it, and with that kind of money at stake you can’t wait until your wedding to start choreographing everything so it looks better on TV. Like her 2 million dollar, 20.5 carat engagement ring for example. Was that a touching gesture of love or the one that tested best with focus groups? Oh you’ll never guess.

…one question is looming: how the heck did Kris Humphries afford a $2M ring?
Sure, Humphries makes a lot of money as an NBA player. His salary is $3.2M. In his six year career, he has brought in a total of $17M.
If you’re thinking that he could have been saving for years, think again – the couple has been dating for a mere 6 months.
In all likelihood, the E! network may have contributed toward the ring’s fee or at least secured a discount with the jeweler, Lorraine Schwartz.

So this romantic proposal was preceded by meetings at E! headquarters, and then a plan was hatched and numbers were crunched and scripts were written. How touching! It’s like a fairy tale from olden days!

Kim’s engaged. See.

By brendon May 25, 2011 @ 10:29 AM

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People magazine says it was a dream come true for Kim Kardashian when she walked into her bedroom on May 18. Not only was there a big black guy in there, but he gave her a diamond worth around 2 million dollars. All of her favorite things!!!

Her boyfriend of six months, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, was waiting in her bedroom on bended knee with four words written in red rose petals: “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
“I didn’t expect this at all,” Kardashian (says) of the romantic, surprise proposal. “I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now.”

But it did, and Kris gave her a 20.5 carat diamond ring, and then Kims mom brought out two mini-horses covered in glitter. Seriously. “It was hysterical,” Kim said. So it would seem Kim has finally found her ideal man. He’s black, he’s an athlete, but most importantly, his name starts with a K and has an asinine spelling.