Kanye And Kim Named Baby North West

By Jack June 21, 2013 @ 11:29 AM

North West. That’s what Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have named their bastard daughter. There had been rumors since March that they would name the baby North, but Kim denied it. You know, because it’s fucking stupid. But I guess she gave in to the pressure exerted by Kanye West’s ego to make a geographical direction about him. I bet he thought he was real fucking clever when he came up with it too. “Yo, Kim. You know how, like, my name is West? And how, like, there is a south and northwest? Yo, I’m’a ’bout to blow yo mind: we call the baby North West! I am such a fuckin’ genius, bitch!”

No. No, you’re not. You are a douche. Celebrities love to give their kids stupid names not imagining what kind of impact it will have. I can just imagine what the name North will one day evoke. Waiters and household staff will be tormented by this child and they will curse the name of North. Her and Blue Ivy Carter will blow into Bergdorfs and the employees will say, “Fuck! It’s that North bitch and her friend Blue.” Your GPS will say things like, “Head North, like Kimye’s bitch daughter, and turn left at…”.

You might be saying, “But she’s a baby, how can you call her a bitch?” She is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. It is genetically impossible for her to be anything less than the worst person on Earth. Let’s skip the pleasantries.

Kardashian Bastard Baby Not To Be Named Kaidence

By Lex June 20, 2013 @ 4:24 PM

Well, fuck me. And sorry to those of you prognosticators who called the idiotic name Kaidence in our Twitter contest. Looks like Kim and Kanye have not decided to name the product of their hotel room splooge Kaidence. The name has not yet been officially given by the parents, which can only mean they’re selling that announcement to some magazine. Or they’re waiting for the summer solstice and Satan to arise and anoint the demon seed with a name that can only be pronounced in backwards Latin.

Kim Kardashian Couldn’t Have A VIP Hospital Suite Because Of Dwight Howard

By Travis June 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

While Kim Kardashian’s people claim that she had to be admitted to Cedars Sinai hospital to give birth to her daughter five weeks before the expected due date because of a threat to both her and the baby’s health, there are still several conspiracy theories out there. Among my favorites:

A) She didn’t want to be beat to the delivery room by Kate Middleton and not get any of the attention.
B) She was never actually pregnant and the surrogate who was hosting the baby for her went into labor early.
C) Satan’s patience has worn thin and he beckoned his hell spawn on Sunday to bring forth the rise of 1,000 years of hell on Earth.

Whichever may be the case, because she was early, Kim couldn’t get the VIP suite that she’d reserved because Dwight Howard’s latest baby mama was also there, giving birth to his third child from as many women, according to TMZ. Of course, it’s also believed that this is actually Dwight’s fifth or sixth child, so they probably just cut a deal to have him be the dad next time around.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Kaidence Donda West Is the Name of Your Destroyer

By Lex June 18, 2013 @ 3:54 PM

If you had Kaidence in the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West baby naming pool, you may just have won a $500 gift card. I’d use it quick before the child grows up to bring a hellish apocalypse upon the human race. Maybe you have a few weeks until she learns to breathe fire and teleport herself.

Kerry Rhodes Isn’t Gay, He’s Kim Kardashian’s Baby Daddy!

By Lex June 18, 2013 @ 12:46 PM

Kerry Rhodes, the infamously rumored gay NFL star, outed by his own boyfriend in a video on this very site, now is telling his buddies via text that he might be the Kim’s baby daddy as he was nailing the Kardashian nine months ago around the same dates that Kanye was.

Man this could be my baby!! I was fu**ing her the same time as K.West was lol!!!

While any sane person is willing to believe that Kim could have been banging multiple men on any given day of her life since sixteen or so, and pro athletes do fall right into her wheelhouse, meh, coming from a guy desperate to hide his gay, this seems like a real shot in the dark. That ‘lol’ at the end is perhaps the best closing argument on his big gay verdict. Not that it matters. Unless you’re claiming your boned a baby into the world’s most famous new mother.

Scott Disick Stars In Kanye West’s ‘American Psycho’ (Video)

By Travis June 18, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Over the weekend, some grainy, incomprehensible footage of Scott Disick playing Patrick Bateman in American Psycho for one of Kanye West’s promotional videos for “Yeezus” hit the web, but nobody could really appreciate the cheesy porn parody value of it until a cleaner version became available. Fortunately, West uploaded the video to his website, and now you can watch two guys who became famous for their associations with the Kardashians play make believe.

The other guy in the video is Kim Kardashian’s best friend, Jonathan Cheban, in case you wanted to know that before you close your eyes and imagine that this is real and somewhere Disick is being locked away in the worst prison in the world. Let your imaginations run wild, America.