With Kim Kardashian and Kanye West just days away from their humble, private wedding in Italy, it’s a perfect time for Ray J to hop into the picture and make himself slightly famous again. When Kim was engaged to Kris Humphries, it was reported that Ray J was sending Kim inappropriate text messages while he openly bragged about their sex tape, and now he’s basically doing the same thing, except instead of text messages, he’s sending her a check for $46,840.13. According to TMZ, that’s the total amount of money Ray J has made through four months in 2014 on his sex tape with Kim. Keep in mind, that sex tape was made in 2007 and just about everybody on Earth has seen it, so the fact that it’s still making money is fucking retarded. At this point the government should purchase it and use its profits to fund the war on terror or improve the education system so today’s teenage girls will be better prepared for their careers in porn when they turn 18.
Despite the fact that we’re not a bunch of idiot assholes who don’t realize she’s full of shit, Kim Kardashian has claimed that her upcoming wedding ceremony is going to be “super, super small” and just feature her and Kanye West’s closest friends and family members. It won’t be a huge star-studded event, because these two narcissists really, honestly love each other, and not because nobody fucking likes them and wouldn’t go if they were invited. One celebrity who is definitely not attending is Ryan Seacrest, who produces Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the other shows featuring these fame whores, but according to Us Weekly, he’s completely fine with that. “It would be one of the most amazing ceremonies that has ever been had,” he said, probably before finalizing plans to give Kendall Jenner all of Kim’s shows and money.
One of the cool things about being extremely wealthy is that you already own basically everything in the world, so when holidays and birthdays come around, you can just buy the dumbest shit that you can possibly think of. Like for Mother’s Day, Kanye West didn’t buy Kim Kardashian a bouquet of roses, 10 bouquets of roses or even 100 bouquets of roses. Instead, he bought her a “wall of roses” because, again, that’s probably the dumbest fucking thing that he could think to waste a shitload of money on and Kim and all of her moron fans still probably think that it’s the most beautiful and romantic thing that could ever be made. But even better than that, Kim now has something new to squeeze her giant ass in front of while taking pictures at her home, since she doesn’t do anything else even remotely interesting with her life.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian’s Instagram
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash
Now that she’s a mom and an international fashion genius, Kim Kardashian (seen above, very enthused to be meeting Tom Hanks’ wife) suddenly feels an obligation to reach out to the less fortunate people, who haven’t built an empire on sucking Ray J’s dick. First, she offered some vague and meaningless parenting advice about how kids should be able to do whatever they want, so when North is old enough to ask why mommy married a guy for three months so she could get $17 million for a wedding, Kim can reply that every person is allowed to make decisions and then learn from mistakes.
But now she’s lending her annoying voice to the fight for equality in all walks of life, as she penned a very powerful blog post, entitled “On My Mind,” that shows that some topics are so important that they simply can’t wait for someone to use Google to learn Trayvon Martin’s name.
1. Kim and Kanye did not get courthouse married before their Big Phat Fucking French Wedding. That was an untruth invented by her mom who has to lie every six hours or her skin becomes gelatinous and she starts smelling like burnt pine cones.
2. Kim and Kanye’s actual wedding will not be televised because it’s considered bad luck in Armenia to film a woman’s third marriage.
3. Don’t panic. There will still be ten thousand hours of right before and right after wedding footage on E! including Khloe devouring levels four through seven of the wedding cake and lamenting how black cock was supposed to give her babies.
4. Don’t believe any giant wedding guest list you’re seeing leaked online. The real guest list is small and being kept private since many of the names are foreign businessmen on Interpol watch lists.
5. The Kim wedding dress photos floating around the Internet are fakes. The real dress has been seen only by Kim and the Thai seamstress who was tapped to weave it out of unobtainium, and the latter was coincidentally on that Malaysian airliner that went missing.
First things first, I want my fucking Crate & Barrel salad bowl back. Also, I’m going to immediately stop referring to Kim as Mrs. Slutbag as I’ve been apparently miscalling her for a couple days now. I think it’s time we all realized that if we want honest and unfiltered information about the Kardashian family, their press team approved Tweets are where to look. You can’t just tack on exclamation points to things that aren’t true.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News, Splash