Kim Kardashian Flies Safe

By Lex January 12, 2015 @ 9:01 AM

Kim Kardashian Walks Through Airport TSA At LAX
It seems a tad bit racist that I have to strip down to my bare soul to get through TSA security while Kim Kardashian gets to tote all sorts of sub-dermal shit right on through. Precious metals, kilos of atomic number 14, centrifuged lipid cakes, one half of a brain borrowed from a cadaver buried behind a mental hospital. You could pack enough plastique into that fat cap to blow up Neverland. I thought the entire idea was we frisk everybody because terrorists are only going to be Middle Eastern males ninety-nine percent of the time. We just need one intercepted communique from Yemen that translates to ‘and the mighty whore shall ass bomb the Great Satan’ and the entire Kardashian clan goes no-fly list stat.

Photo Credit: Splash

Kardashians Lack Creative Fiber

By Matt January 09, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Rob

Rob Kardashian forgot his phone and his two thieving whore sisters used it to take selfies and posted them to his Instagram account as a prank. Except this isn’t real. Only half abandoned dropouts who were teething during The Love Boat could apply themselves and still come up with something this lame:

“I’m looking thru all of his text messages and WOW just WOW ladies.”

Wouldn’t any of the hypothetical texts in his phone be more interesting than your face, since we’ve seen all three of your holes too many times? Especially the worst one. At the very least he’s cheating on his diet or crying in the utility shed. There’s got to be some dirty in there. Maybe he killed JonBenet Ramsey. Still an improvement. Maybe he just convinced you to promote his Instagram account for him because nobody gives a shit. Equally as lame as the JonBenet thing. Have some respect next time Rob. The gun’s in the closet next to OJ’s bloody knife.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Charlie Sheen Slams Kim Kardashian, Why Not

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

Char

Charlie Sheen went on a Twitter rant while sober people were sleeping about an at best second hand story regarding Kim Kardashian. It centered around her reportedly denying a six year old girl an autograph. This is according to his friend C Thomas Howell who nobody knew had a drug problem until now, although it’s hard to discern if Sheen was talking to the actual Howell or shadow people. If the story is true the rant should be directed at the girl’s parents. Certainly Sheen is one to judge since he’s limited himself to a strict booze and porn regimen during court ordered supervised visits with his children. Either way it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t give a shit:

“You are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass… your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself. My apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day.”

TMZ reached out to Sheen, who got back to them right away since he’d been talking to the ants on his ceiling since his last speedball. He stood by his hatred of Kardashian even though he or his caretaker had since deleted his tweets:

“Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!”

It seems Sheen is picking on the one person in Hollywood more widely disregarded than himself. Maybe good crack is the shit and makes an honest man of you. Maybe she told him to fuck off when he drunkenly hit on her. Probably both. Either way, this is fun.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Sell Jeans

By Lex December 24, 2014 @ 9:19 AM

Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Pose Together For Balmain Ads
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, damn, I’d love to splash chowder across Kim Kardashian’s tits over the hood of my car then buy myself some $2600 French man trousers, this advertisement is for you. I say it’s even sexier because a loving husband and his still wife are playing master and servant. Third marriages based in blind greed and anal cream pies are hot. French haute couture suddenly becomes relatable when you add in Kanye West ball stank.

Photo Credit: Balmain/Balawa/AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Jugs Are Her Curriculum Vitae

By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 10:55 AM

Kim Kardashian Wears Tight Grey Outfit While Walking To Her Range Rover In LA
Sometimes, you see somebody getting out of a six-figure car and you think to yourself, I wonder how they got so big. There’s no need for questions with Kim Kardashian. I like that about her. That dwarf can be stationed any of of the possible 360 degrees of rotation and you can at least spot how she afforded the custom Rover. If her cracks could speak, you’d learn about the origins of the remainder of her fortune. It’s all right there. Like an eager graduate with a stack of resumes hitting the interviews in his dad’s suit. Only, Kim didn’t graduate, though she is likely wearing something from stepdad’s closet.

Photo Credit: INF

I Always Knew Less People Gave A Shit

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

Kim Kardashian Posts A Selfie To Instagram

Instagram notified a bunch of celebrities their accounts were being Purged, meaning some of their bogus followers were being deleted. Kim Kardashian lost 1.3 million pretend fans in a few hours, Rihanna 1.2, and Katy Perry 300,000 because her people are wholesome and less like obvious Spam Bots. Humans are easily swayed. You tell them you’re popular and just like that you are. Let alone you don’t do anything besides get pearl necklaced on Beta or cut a hook you didn’t write every few years give or take. Paying for followers is highly necessary when you’re dramatically uninteresting. I’m convinced David Spade did this with actual women in the late 1980′s. This is a new generation. Fake it till you make it. Then keep faking it and deny your popularity is not only greatly exaggerated but also based on a vast conspiracy called taking one of those free classes on Social Networking at the Apple Store.

Photo Credit: Instagram