Kim Kardashian Seems Fatter

By Lex June 15, 2015 @ 1:43 PM

Kim Kardashian Shops In Super Tight Dress
Kim Kardashian suffered the barbs of callous detractors who called her fatty whale names during her first pregnancy when she packed on two metric tons of baby and residual semen weight. The ridiculing was so painful that Jaime King cried for five hours because she was having trouble being pregnancy shamed online herself. It’s a vicious circle that isn’t clear really exists. Kim Kardashian wants more of it. She’s stepping out with child number two in the same tight party dresses she used to wear pre-reality show when dad was plain old dead and every daughter had to help split the cost of diet pills and Yoo-hoos. If you have children, now would be the time to explain to them where ass babies come from. Also why they shouldn’t yell out ‘shame on you, fat whore’ in public. That’s an inside thought.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Rents Out Staples Center

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Kim Rents Out Staples Center For Kanye's Birthday
Kim Kardashian went deep pockets for Kanye West’s birthday, renting out Staple’s Center and organizing a basketball game for Kanye and friends Tyga and Justin Bieber and NBA stars John Wall and James Harden. John Legend sang the National Anthem because patriotism and paychecks go hand in hand. Kim smeared her labia majora across different surfaces of the arena creating a Dora the Explorer set of clues for Kanye to find his second birthday gift, her younger sisters to fuck. It’s not incest if you’re not blood. Check your bible. Duggar recommended verses.

The price tag to take over Staples is $110K which is an expensive birthday gift except in the event E! is paying for it out of production dollars. Previously the couple rented out AT&T Park for their engagement party and are taking over Disneyland for their daughter’s second birthday. You could see this as gross excess or just be happy these incorrigible whores won’t be ruining your kids Chuck E. Cheese party. It’s all about containment. Ebola is only a problem when it’s not isolated. Try not to step directly into the bloody stools. It’s not like the Lakers need the place.

Photo Credit: Instagram

The Whoriest Place on Earth

By Lex June 05, 2015 @ 12:28 PM


Even as smallpox are still being scraped off the flocking of the Matterhorn, the Kardashians have decided to rent out Disneyland for North’s upcoming second birthday. You may recall North as the bastard child of Kim Kardashian by way of Yeezus seed and the dark arts. No fault to the child. Though some diligent member of Opus Dei will have to dispose of her mortal coils before the presence of six spring lambs. That’s technically not a crime in China. The Kardashians have previously rented out AT&T Park in San Francisco for Kanye and Kim’s engagement party. Also so everybody could watch them fuck on the Jumbotron. And previously they took over the Magic Mountain amusement park in California for Kendall’s eighteenth birthday.

Disneyland rakes something like five to ten million a day in revenues. Not likely they’re taking over the entire park, but they could bribe Walt’s freeze dried corpse with a million bucks to close a couple hours early to let the whorelets run amok and discuss Vagina Dad’s sex change in front of the Hall of Presidents. It’s all fun and games until Khloe stares catatonic at Monstro for three hours then shits her pants. Time to go. Disney does not believe in unhappy endings.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kim Kardashian Tight Plastic

By Lex June 03, 2015 @ 10:32 AM

Kim Kardashian Wears A Really Tight Dress For Energy Drinks
If you think an ass pregnancy is going to stop Kim Kardashian from strapping into a molded plastic dress and flashing her cans to push product, fuck, you don’t think that. Stepdad isn’t the only one getting paid to show off his tits. There’s mouths to feed and your Kim Kardashian Dance Like You’re Working for Tips mobile game for tweens is down in sales three percent this quarter. Dad can’t sell records forever. Covering your ass with a dress made of the same shit you inject into your ass.. That’s called genius. When the ocean’s rise another half inch because you like your dairy products refrigerated, cling to Kim. She’s incapable of drowning.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Got Knocked Up and Nobody Noticed

By Lex June 02, 2015 @ 8:30 AM


What if you were an attention whore and got pregnant and nobody noticed? It’s like it never really happened. News that Kim Kardashian was now carrying future ex-husband rapper baby number two made it about a tenth of a parsec across the Internet before Vagina Dad’s picture appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair and ruined everything. Narcissism is a fixed pie universe. Even though Caitlyn Jenner’s soon to be vagina will never know the miracle of gaping for a half black half dummy baby head, her explosion of womanhood sucked up every ounce of oxygen devoted to the mouth breathing masses who follow the Kardashians. What’s the point of a fetus if it’s not getting you retweets. May this future educationally challenged child be born onto this earth never knowing how close they came on this day to being aborted with Khloe’s fist and a desire to make her older sister stop crying.

Photo credit: Getty Images/FameFlynet

Bruce Jenner Ready for the Butcher

By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 8:03 AM


Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announce he has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman. This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure and had orchestrated his plans with a bunch of educationally challenged bobble heads with fake tits.

Jenner plans to tweak his face a bit more then circle back to The Big Snip. The Kardashian sisters seemed surprised by his plans even though the show is entirely scripted. Kendall and the big one cried although it was hard to tell if they were tears of joy or if they were thinking about Tupac and how they never got a chance to suck his dick and how his hologram might taste. Bruce will be appearing on an upcoming E! reality show of his own detailing his surgeries and journey into womanhood. It’d be beautiful if it weren’t so viscerally disturbing and cynically plotted for cash and attention. Even shit once tasted good.

Photo Credit: E!Entertainment/Youtube