Kim Kardashian Ted Talks

By Lex June 25, 2015 @ 10:37 AM


NPR listeners were outraged when Kim Kardashian was invited on the station to speak intelligently, causing NPR listeners to not be able to casually mention that brilliant thing they heard this morning on NPR to their friends, rendering the entire listening process moot. Now Kardashian is launching a series of ‘Kim talks’ where she engages and educates audiences around the globe with her business and social insights for $300 a head.

On June 30th she’ll be in Oakland discussing the objectification of women in the media, because she earnestly believes Zeus is out of thunderbolts. This week she launched her informative talks at the International Festival of Creativity in Cannes sharing her social media zeitgeist including the revelation that “I’m really into Twitter these days”. Then she laughed at the fact that she was collecting three hundred bucks from people without having to put their dirty cocks in her mouth and demanded a bucket of American style liquid cheese. The world is Kim’s oyster. If you pay $500 for the VIP seating, you get three minutes and a prophylactic dental dam to find the pearl.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kim And Kanye Spawning

By Matt June 23, 2015 @ 7:13 AM


Kim Kardashian and her super not gay husband are having another child. The people who found the God Particle continue donating to Planned Parenthood. Kim has another eight months of being club hot and you can’t wash jizz out of your hair forever plus your ass hurts. Hopefully it will be a boy so Jaden Smith can introduce him to gender fluidity over gluten free latkas. I don’t know what fluidity means but neither to the people who say it. Why is there lube in your Christmas stocking? You see how chartered planes crash on the news all the time but it’s never like in a romantic comedy when you know the people. I can’t do the math but we’re fucked. At least Michael Jackson had the decency to wring out his sheets. I rarely pray but let there be a fucking earthquake.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kim And Kanye Ruin Disneyland And Shit Around The Web

By Michael June 16, 2015 @ 11:00 AM


Human bowel polyps Kim Kardashian and Kanye West celebrated the birth of North West by taking over regions of Disneyland and making every other child in the Magical Kingdom suffer the wrath of their selfie and show hogging narcissism. I’m glad Walt is dead. I mean, just in general.

Watch the dreams of children die for this spoiled brat’s amusement. (Huffington Post)

Daniela Lopez Osorio is all greasy and bikinied. (Egotastic)

Xzibit pleads guilty to being to drunk to fuck…or drive on his wedding night. (TMZ)

Giselle Bundchen uses her ass to sell shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

This is Sarah Mutch and these are her tits. (Hollywood Tuna)

Gigi Hadid likes to pump her own gas in a see-through shirt. (Popoholic)

Ah, hot girls tugging their clothes down. What a glorious day. (The Chive)

Kim Kardashian Seems Fatter

By Lex June 15, 2015 @ 1:43 PM

Kim Kardashian Shops In Super Tight Dress
Kim Kardashian suffered the barbs of callous detractors who called her fatty whale names during her first pregnancy when she packed on two metric tons of baby and residual semen weight. The ridiculing was so painful that Jaime King cried for five hours because she was having trouble being pregnancy shamed online herself. It’s a vicious circle that isn’t clear really exists. Kim Kardashian wants more of it. She’s stepping out with child number two in the same tight party dresses she used to wear pre-reality show when dad was plain old dead and every daughter had to help split the cost of diet pills and Yoo-hoos. If you have children, now would be the time to explain to them where ass babies come from. Also why they shouldn’t yell out ‘shame on you, fat whore’ in public. That’s an inside thought.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Rents Out Staples Center

By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Kim Rents Out Staples Center For Kanye's Birthday
Kim Kardashian went deep pockets for Kanye West’s birthday, renting out Staple’s Center and organizing a basketball game for Kanye and friends Tyga and Justin Bieber and NBA stars John Wall and James Harden. John Legend sang the National Anthem because patriotism and paychecks go hand in hand. Kim smeared her labia majora across different surfaces of the arena creating a Dora the Explorer set of clues for Kanye to find his second birthday gift, her younger sisters to fuck. It’s not incest if you’re not blood. Check your bible. Duggar recommended verses.

The price tag to take over Staples is $110K which is an expensive birthday gift except in the event E! is paying for it out of production dollars. Previously the couple rented out AT&T Park for their engagement party and are taking over Disneyland for their daughter’s second birthday. You could see this as gross excess or just be happy these incorrigible whores won’t be ruining your kids Chuck E. Cheese party. It’s all about containment. Ebola is only a problem when it’s not isolated. Try not to step directly into the bloody stools. It’s not like the Lakers need the place.

Photo Credit: Instagram

The Whoriest Place on Earth

By Lex June 05, 2015 @ 12:28 PM


Even as smallpox are still being scraped off the flocking of the Matterhorn, the Kardashians have decided to rent out Disneyland for North’s upcoming second birthday. You may recall North as the bastard child of Kim Kardashian by way of Yeezus seed and the dark arts. No fault to the child. Though some diligent member of Opus Dei will have to dispose of her mortal coils before the presence of six spring lambs. That’s technically not a crime in China. The Kardashians have previously rented out AT&T Park in San Francisco for Kanye and Kim’s engagement party. Also so everybody could watch them fuck on the Jumbotron. And previously they took over the Magic Mountain amusement park in California for Kendall’s eighteenth birthday.

Disneyland rakes something like five to ten million a day in revenues. Not likely they’re taking over the entire park, but they could bribe Walt’s freeze dried corpse with a million bucks to close a couple hours early to let the whorelets run amok and discuss Vagina Dad’s sex change in front of the Hall of Presidents. It’s all fun and games until Khloe stares catatonic at Monstro for three hours then shits her pants. Time to go. Disney does not believe in unhappy endings.

Photo credit: Getty Images