By Lex June 02, 2015 @ 8:30 AM
What if you were an attention whore and got pregnant and nobody noticed? It’s like it never really happened. News that Kim Kardashian was now carrying future ex-husband rapper baby number two made it about a tenth of a parsec across the Internet before Vagina Dad’s picture appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair and ruined everything. Narcissism is a fixed pie universe. Even though Caitlyn Jenner’s soon to be vagina will never know the miracle of gaping for a half black half dummy baby head, her explosion of womanhood sucked up every ounce of oxygen devoted to the mouth breathing masses who follow the Kardashians. What’s the point of a fetus if it’s not getting you retweets. May this future educationally challenged child be born onto this earth never knowing how close they came on this day to being aborted with Khloe’s fist and a desire to make her older sister stop crying.
Photo credit: Getty Images/FameFlynet
By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announce he has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman. This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure and had orchestrated his plans with a bunch of educationally challenged bobble heads with fake tits.
Jenner plans to tweak his face a bit more then circle back to The Big Snip. The Kardashian sisters seemed surprised by his plans even though the show is entirely scripted. Kendall and the big one cried although it was hard to tell if they were tears of joy or if they were thinking about Tupac and how they never got a chance to suck his dick and how his hologram might taste. Bruce will be appearing on an upcoming E! reality show of his own detailing his surgeries and journey into womanhood. It’d be beautiful if it weren’t so viscerally disturbing and cynically plotted for cash and attention. Even shit once tasted good.
Photo Credit: E!Entertainment/Youtube
By Lex May 12, 2015 @ 10:37 AM
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.
Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!
By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 1:43 PM
There’s an ease in knowing exactly what you are. You are tits and ass. You make a fortune being tits and ass. In a silver box your mom keeps a note she wrote when you were born hoping someday you’d grow up to be tits and ass. Kim Kardashian didn’t hesitate when selecting photos from her soon to be released Selfies book to pretend were leaked early. Tits and ass. You’re Aaron Rodgers. The world knows you’re going to Jordy Nelson. We just can’t find a way to stop you.
Photo Credit: “Selfie”/Instagram
By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 10:56 AM
If you’re wondering why Vagina Dad’s girl children were not available to appear on the Diane Sawyer interview, it’s because they were holding back on an E! two night special of their own documenting their own reactions to Jenner’s gender bending announcement. There are emotions and then there are emotions you can turn into dollars on a cable net that has you and Sex and the City reruns to its name.
NBC Universal which claims about 90% of shitty content on the air at any given time, worked the upcoming E! Special into a top line promo campaign on Good Morning America showing clips of Jenner and Kardashian girls effusively expressing their love for Bruce. Also, Kim talking about how feminine Bruce’s polished toenails are. I think, I vomited half way through. In one touching scene, Kris Jenner forces water out of one of her fabricated eye slits pretending she just found out her husband of twenty years was a tranny. I might feel just a little bad when Rob the Redeemer locks all the doors and torches the family home. Please let the pets out first.
By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 10:22 AM
There’s something comforting in never having to wonder what the whore is planning. It’s whore stuff. Mollusks have more complex agendas than Kim Kardashian who posted a photo of herself in a bikini against a green backdrop to honor earth day while pushing her book of selfies.
In honor of Earth Day here is my best plant selfie from my new book #Selfish coming out May 5th!
The exclamation point seems a bit much. The damaged clanswomen who exchange their colored beads for your book don’t need prodding to seal their position as bottom rung on the mental food chain. The entire point of Earth Day is to sell somebody on something. Kim showing off her tits in front of a bush isn’t any more cynical than Governor Brown forgetting to mention that I can no longer wash my balls because we need more almond milk for the anti-vaxxers in Santa Barbara. Everybody’s lying on Earth Day. Kim had the decency to show off her tits. That’s called a mitigating factor. Buy her book and complete the circle. I’m moving to Seattle where the are no televisions.
Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram/Elle France