Kardashian Girls Leave No Money on the Table (VIDEO)

By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 10:56 AM

If you’re wondering why Vagina Dad’s girl children were not available to appear on the Diane Sawyer interview, it’s because they were holding back on an E! two night special of their own documenting their own reactions to Jenner’s gender bending announcement. There are emotions and then there are emotions you can turn into dollars on a cable net that has you and Sex and the City reruns to its name.

NBC Universal which claims about 90% of shitty content on the air at any given time, worked the upcoming E! Special into a top line promo campaign on Good Morning America showing clips of Jenner and Kardashian girls effusively expressing their love for Bruce. Also, Kim talking about how feminine Bruce’s polished toenails are. I think, I vomited half way through. In one touching scene, Kris Jenner forces water out of one of her fabricated eye slits pretending she just found out her husband of twenty years was a tranny. I might feel just a little bad when Rob the Redeemer locks all the doors and torches the family home. Please let the pets out first.

Kim Kardashian Gets Earth Day

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 10:22 AM

Kim-Kardashian-Earth-Day-Selfie

There’s something comforting in never having to wonder what the whore is planning. It’s whore stuff. Mollusks have more complex agendas than Kim Kardashian who posted a photo of herself in a bikini against a green backdrop to honor earth day while pushing her book of selfies.

In honor of Earth Day here is my best plant selfie from my new book #Selfish coming out May 5th!

The exclamation point seems a bit much. The damaged clanswomen who exchange their colored beads for your book don’t need prodding to seal their position as bottom rung on the mental food chain. The entire point of Earth Day is to sell somebody on something. Kim showing off her tits in front of a bush isn’t any more cynical than Governor Brown forgetting to mention that I can no longer wash my balls because we need more almond milk for the anti-vaxxers in Santa Barbara. Everybody’s lying on Earth Day. Kim had the decency to show off her tits. That’s called a mitigating factor. Buy her book and complete the circle. I’m moving to Seattle where the are no televisions.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram/Elle France

Amy Schumer Prays to False Gods

By Lex April 22, 2015 @ 9:38 AM

Amy Schumer Falls In Front Of Kim Kardashian

Nobody works harder than Amy Schumer to promote her show. Schumer threw herself mockingly on the ground before Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as they entered the Time Magazine 100 Most Influential Persons Gala to be honored for helping the magazine sell a few more copies before it circles one last time down the historical bowl. Schumer’s stunt wasn’t super funny, but you have to honor the initiative. You could easily be designer shoe stomped by Kanye West in a reflexive fit of rage. Kim Kardashian lied and said she found the whole bit amusing, though it still didn’t sink in that a woman can advance her career interests without taking a dick in her ass. Security reminded everyone that this could’ve been a real attack by a dangerous person with a gun, also reminding us this could’ve turned out so much better.

Photo Credit: Getty/FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Cropped

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

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Kim Kardashian’s likeness was blurred out of an ultra-orthodox newspaper in Israel because super religious Jews believe that pictures of skin revealing women inherently make them seem like whores. You could argue the general religious point, but since the actual example is Kim Kardashian, it’s hard to argue against the specific. Kanye and Kim were in Israel to have their toddler christened at the site of Jesus’ crucifixion. Also to have tons of footage of them christening their toddler. While in Jerusalem they met with the city’s mayor who was interested in their thoughts on housing policy against a backdrop of a multi-ethnic urban environment.. Also, he just had to know if Kanye puts Kim in an injured horse harness when he fucks her. Really, people around the world think very similar thoughts.

Photo Credit: Twitter/FameFlynet

Kanye West Impromptu Swan

By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Kanye-West-in-Swan-Lake

Kim Kardashian prompted her social media assistant to Tweet that Kanye West jumped out of bed to perform a concert in the Armenian capital city. That crazy impetuous fool.

Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he’s doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!

Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don’t fare well. Kim hasn’t thrown on sweats and headed out since she was eleven and her mom sewed her phone number onto the ass with an implied blow job logo.

Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!

Take a breath, Nell McGill, ace reporter for the Junior High Bee. The lake is  a foot deep. It’s called a fountain. The authorities shut down the obviously unplanned event when spectators jumped into the water either out of enthusiasm or in an effort to bag Kanye and claim their reward. It’s a night nobody in Armenia will soon forget. They still haven’t forgotten the last genocide. It’ll all make sense after the film is edited and Kim is seen driving away the Ottoman Turks with her retractable vagina whip.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram

The Kardashian Genocide Episode

By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 10:53 AM

Kim Kardashian And Khloe Kardashian Visit The Armenian Genocide Memorial

Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment. Being an extremely practical people, the Armenians understand their deal with the Kardashian devil to bring any attention to their native land. Armenian genocide wasn’t tracking on Google until the outlander whores arrived on private jet to film a few episodes. Track record says only horror and shame follows the Kardashian snail trail. Armenians have low built in expectations. History will call this a wash.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet