The Whoriest Place on Earth

Evenas smallpox are still being scraped off the flocking of the Matterhorn, the Kardashians have decided to rent out Disneyland for North's upcoming second birthday. You may recall North as the bastard child of Kim Kardashian by way of Yeezus seed and the dark arts.No fault to the child. Though some diligent member of Opus Dei will have to dispose ofher mortal coils before the presence of six spring lambs. That's...

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Kim Kardashian Tight Plastic

If you think anass pregnancy is going to stop Kim Kardashian from strapping into a molded plastic dress and flashing her cans to push product, fuck, you don't think that. Stepdad isn't the only one getting paidto show off his tits. There's mouths to feed and your Kim Kardashian Dance Like You're Working forTipsmobile game for tweens is down in sales three percent this quarter. Dad can't sell records forever. Covering...

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Kim Kardashian Got Knocked Up and Nobody Noticed

What if you were an attention whore and got pregnant and nobody noticed? It's like it never really happened. News that Kim Kardashian was now carryingfuture ex-husband rapper baby number two made it about a tenth of a parsec across the Internet before Vagina Dad's picture appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair and ruined everything. Narcissism is a fixed pie universe. Even though Caitlyn Jenner's soon to be vagina will...

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Bruce Jenner Ready for the Butcher

Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announcehe has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman.This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure...

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Kim Kardashian Nude in Just Body Paint (VIDEO)

Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal "to be nude and do all this cool stuff". When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the...

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Kim Kardashian Topless Selfies Leaked by a Topless Kim Kardashian

There's an ease in knowing exactly what you are. You are tits and ass. You make a fortune being tits and ass. In a silver box your mom keeps a note she wrote when you were born hoping someday you'd grow up to be tits and ass. Kim Kardashian didn't hesitate when selecting photos from her soon to be released Selfies book to pretend were leaked early. Tits and ass. You're Aaron Rodgers. The world knows you're going to...read more

Kardashian Girls Leave No Money on the Table (VIDEO)

If you're wondering why Vagina Dad's girl children were not available to appear on the Diane Sawyer interview, it's because they were holding back on an E! two night special of their own documenting their own reactions to Jenner's gender bending announcement. There are emotions and then there are emotions you can turn into dollars on a cable net that has you and Sex and the City reruns to its name. NBC Universal which...

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Kim Kardashian Gets Earth Day

There's something comforting in never having to wonder what the whore is planning. It's whore stuff. Mollusks have more complex agendas than Kim Kardashian who posted a photo of herself in a bikini against a green backdrop to honor earth day while pushing her book of selfies. In honor of Earth Day here is my best plant selfie from my new book #Selfish coming out May 5th! The exclamation point seems a bit much. The...

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Amy Schumer Prays to False Gods

Nobody works harder than Amy Schumer to promote her show. Schumer threw herself mockingly on the ground before Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as they entered the Time Magazine 100 Most Influential Persons Gala to be honored for helping the magazine sell a few more copies before it circles one last time down the historical bowl. Schumer's stunt wasn't super funny, but you have to honor the initiative. You could easily...

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Kim Kardashian Cropped

Kim Kardashian's likeness was blurred out of an ultra-orthodox newspaper in Israel because super religious Jews believe that pictures of skin revealing women inherently make them seem like whores. You could argue the general religious point, but since the actual example is Kim Kardashian, it's hard to argue against the specific. Kanye and Kim were in Israel to have their toddler christened at the site of Jesus'...

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Kanye West Impromptu Swan

Kim Kardashian prompted her social media assistant to Tweet that Kanye West jumped out of bed to perform a concert in the Armenian capital city. That crazy impetuous fool. Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he's doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go! Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don't fare well....

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The Kardashian Genocide Episode

Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment....

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Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

The Kardashians headed to Armeniato honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and...

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Artist Remains Poor

Some Banksy discipleerected novelty signs across popular destinations in Los Angeles including the Kardashian owned DASH clothing store which read "No Kardashian Parking." I tend to generalize artists as a loose group of self-indulged assholes who live off the misplaced kindness of others. But I also believe that in the specific. Why do you have this much time and given those signs cost $40 bucks a pop I'd like to...

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Rob Kardashian Hanging By A Thread

Rob Kardashian is either a fat recluse who needs help or a normal guy who appears this way compared to the rest of his family. Kris Jenner spoke about his condition on a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians: "I've gotten a few reports that he's been spending a lot of money and locking himself up in his room a lot and not really coming out... I'm just worried about what's going on...I feel like if I don't...

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