Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
Kim Kardashian believes God was trying to teach her a lesson when she gained fifty pounds while pregnant and it had nothing to do with her Immaculate Consumption of Ben & Jerry’s or gluten free Dorritos Locos. In fact Kim was so fatigued during the process she couldn’t even formulate an intelligent sentence:
“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’”
I don’t get God’s motivation here. If he’s in this to create moralistic anecdotes he would have downed you and your husband’s private jet in front of a Vietnamese sweatshop in a blaze of glory while some village kid put a cell phone in your hand and blasted selfies of your toasted corpse all over Twitter. This is precisely what happens when a whore gets some religion. Not enough to change her ways, just enough to make her think God spends half his day focused on her twat.
Photo Credit: Getty Images/FameFlynet/INF
Kim Kardashian showed up dressed to celebrate the release of that magazine that ran her naked Photoshopped pictures, the clothes rendering herself instantly nine times less worthwhile than baseline. Kim Kardashian has been gifted the talent of being shamelessly naked and covered in oil, or spunk, if you can happen to afford the platinum package. Forsaking her gift runs the risk of angering the gods who tapped who with the whore stick and declared her human tit candy. Curses range from the inability to utter polysyllabic words to spending your life with a large cock buried in your dumper. There is no resort spa where Fate won’t find you, Kim.
Photo Credit: INF/Getty
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s wedding photo got 2.4 million Likes on Instagram, the most of 2014 and the most ever for a photo on Instagram. To be fair it was a slow year. Scores of retarded teens and the unemployed had to wade through countless boring shots documenting many state’s first Gay Marriages, the discovery of the oldest Roman Temple on record, a bunch of stem cell stuff, some Higgs-Boson shit, a Super Bowl, a Kentucky Derby, a World Cup, some Women Priests, the Cool Pope, a Hawaiian Lava Flow, a Meteor Storm, a Total Lunar Eclipse, Immigration Reform, human rights protests in Mexico, people lighting themselves on fire in China, the fake Olympics in Russia, and a bunch of tranny attention getting shit James Franco did to make finally land on this photo of two assholes kissing each other and seal it with their digital stamp of approval.
Close runners up were Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus. Go ahead and halt your Harvard research studies. We are a dumb nation whose dumbest among us spend lots of time on social media pretending it’s the real world and they’re important in it. If we could transmit a deadly electric shock to everybody who regularly updates their status on social media, the remaining living members of our country would be collectively smarter than the Taiwanese and the smart parts of South America, so just the first one really.
Photo Credit: Instagram
With so much riding on current U.S. armed forces forward positioning in the Middle East, it only made sense to dispatch Kim Kardashian dressed like somebody her stylist saw in an old USO magazine to Abu Dahbi to assess our military state of readiness. Kim toured Persian Gulf region arsenal and met with soldiers each of whom she promised could cream pie her enormous bunghole if they destroyed ISIS and went on to become multi-millionaire recording artists with enormous black dicks. Kim homaged Jane Fonda by straddling a large Howitzer barrel but she did it at night when nobody was looking leaving just a smudge of herpetic goo and desert flies for the field artillery mechanics to sniff out after Reveille.
Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI
Kim Kardashian said she will be proud when North West inevitably also poses nude. She also said she has a bunch of other hopes for her daughter, but who honestly pays attention once a mom says she can’t wait for her toddler to get naked for the cameras.
Read all about Kim’s wonderful parenting. (The Superficial)
Iggy Azalea is not impressed by Eminem’s rape threats. (TMZ)
Hey, wanna see Christina Milian’s nipple? (Drunken Stepfather)
Alena Blohm is ja gooden frau in lingerie. (Hollywood Tuna)
Jehane Gigi Paris does it again in these smoking hot bikini pics. (Popoholic)
Giada De Laurentiis doesn’t swallow. (Dlisted)
Old busted ass Mickey Rourke is going back to boxing. (MoviePilot)