By Lex September 21, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
The outraged Olympics are about to begin again in Hollywood. Every reasonably attractive celebrity who ever filmed themselves fingering their clam is about to let their better educated press agents climb the soapbox under their banner. I can only imagine the outrageously pointed Tweet coming from Lena Dunham who will sweepingly denounce 175 million gawkers as rapists, while secretly lamenting why no man ever stands in her virtual window at night manipulating his sexual organs.
Until such time as all these people awake, the celebrity rags who serve as their ass-dwelling minions shall stand in their place. InTouch already has a piece out about the “horrific: nude photo hacks plaguing Kim Kardashian, no stranger to such violations as in her 2007 virtual assault via the leaked Ray J tape. If by assault they mean Kim’s mom negotiated the rights deal to Vivid for a billion dollars and a chance to show her father Satan she could become more famous than he, then yes. I’m not even so sure Kim and her illicit band of truth hackers didn’t leak these latest photos herself into the latest Fappening event. Are you telling me some hacker got access to the Kim Kardashian vault of private selfies of the past decade and only found two rather nicely posed flattering nude photos of Kim? That’s like a Soviet spy having a weekend unfettered in the Pentagon and coming back with only some U.S. Army stationery. I call bullshit. Nevertheless, seeing as how the Kardashians are Kasparoving seventeen moves ahead, expect one of the most self-righteous attacks ever on the sanctity of the personal titty photos.
Universal disclaimer: It’s still wrong to steal other people’s shit. Stop your hacking now, hacking bandits. Though, on the off chance you just can’t help yourselves, maybe some Jessica Alba’s and that chick who’s on Agents of Shield?
** If you’re a virtual privacy rapist with no shame and you hate your mother, you can see Kim’s naked leaked photos HERE.
By Lex September 20, 2014 @ 9:44 PM
Way to fuck up my Saturday night. But, hell, for a chance to see Hope Solo wizard sleeves that even Gandalf would find overblown, not to mention disgusting, I can put down the absinthe.
Another round of celebrity photos borrowed from the iCloud which runs about as safe as those old Western banks Butch and Sundance used to rob with a smile was dispersed onto the Internet via the Chans and Reddit re-feeds today. I had thought the FBI was going whole hog after these insidious hacker beasts who are revealing the last inch of skin on these celebrities they don’t already show themselves on social media. Still, it’s rude. Let’s all admit it’s wrong too. A bloody flagellation couldn’t hurt either to cleanse our souls of the sin of stolen tits.
Here’s what I saw. Emily Ratajkowski has amazing tits and likes to finger her pink. Lake Bell has equally amazing tits and if one more person calls her butterface I’m going to Ray Rice them in an elevator. Who cares. Vanessa Hudgens is emotionally incapable of learning a lesson about taking naked photographs of herself. Gabrielle Union is over 40 but her tits don’t look a day over 35. Hope Solo could use an hour of the Epilady around the anus. Kaley Cuoco is not as be-all end-all as nerds think. I have no clue who AJ Michalka is, but she could earn a quick million from an Arab emirate who loves to titty fuck. And, finally Kim Kardashian almost certainly leaked her own topless selfies just to be part of the media blitz.
That’s not a bad Saturday night. Certainly better than the Sunday morning whence will come the horrific rants about the end of the world since in 2014 men suddenly started unwanted peeking girls in the shower. If nothing else, Sarah Lawrence gets some new inter-sessions hot seminar topics so this works out well.
Like I wouldn’t give you the fucking links. I’m not your high school girlfriend reveling in your blue balls.
Looks like almost the entire set on DrunkenStepfather (Now Gone)
And Kim Kardashian and others also here on DS
Some on Reddit
More on private Fappening subs
Don’t blame me when they go dark because you were too slow. I’ll update as I can. Which means not soon. I’m not your fucking Internet butler.
By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 9:58 AM
According to the celebrity asslinguists at HollywoodLife, Kim Kardashian is over the haters who called her Shamu the last time she got pregnant and all her previously imprisoned fat cells multiplied at rates that made even Ebola jealous. Kim’s now ready to have a legitimate baby. A little nugget to add to her collection of future exploited child stars and aborted fetuses Kris buried in the pet cemetery next to the gun Khloe consumed en masse after her marital breakup. You can see Kim here leaving the doctors office in those stretch pants Lululemon recalled because they were too sheer for fat women.
The thought of more Kardashian babies appeals to me as much as the Israelis feel knowing the Palestinians are reproducing at two to three times their rate. At some point, the bad people are forming a human ladder and coming over any wall we build. I have a nightmare about dozens of new Kardashians fucking around in Range Rovers and calling out haters on the Internet with poorly worded inspirational phrases. Maybe military technology will someday invent a neutron bomb that leaves Calabasas intact and only wipes out the assholes. Or it could wipe out the city as well, a small price to pay for the genetic cleansing.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Jack September 04, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
With all the hoopla over the celebrity nude photo leak, one has to wonder, why the fuck did nobody care the many times before celebrity photos and sex videos got shat out across the Internet? I’d say it’s because people see Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton as lovable sweethearts, while Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, more like the girls Vegas conventioneers pay to see how far she can take a cucumber in her twat.
Read all about America’s nude pic hypocrisy. (Huffington Post)
Joan Rivers isn’t dead yet. You can’t kill the undead. (Dlisted)
I hate Lea Michele’s scrunchy faces but I do enjoy her ass. (Popoholic)
Let’s enjoy these totally grown-up pics of Mckayla Maroney in a swimsuit. (Hollywood Tuna)
Daisy Lowe has some big ‘ol titty balls. (The Superficial)
I never get tired of looking at Emilt Ratajkowski in skimpy underwear. (COED)
Anastasia Ashley, a surfboard, and a tiny swimsuit. Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 3:11 PM
Some trumped out outrage is going around the Internet because the Kardashian whorelings were using their cellphones when Common asked for a moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs because as a black celebrity, he simply had no choice. While it’s easy to focus on a picture of the back-brothel skank disrespecting a moment of silence, perhaps one could remember that the Kardashians donate almost ten percent of a their Ebay discarded clothing sales to a charity nobody has ever vetted. Khloe and Lamar spent several years raising money for a stomach cancer charity that helped pay Lamar’s friend to build a basketball court. The matriarch of the family was having interracial sex outside her marriage before that was even considered cool. You tell me who has done more for the black man — Common or The Kardashians? If the answer comes from the voluminous subset of those who’ve been blown by a Kardashian, I can give you your answer.
For the record, moments of silences can be called for by anybody. It doesn’t make them sacrosanct. Kylie should’ve called for a moment of silence so she could text Jaden Smith and asks him if he knows what the fuck a Ferguson is.
Photo credit: Tabir Akhter / Twitter
By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:30 AM
I don’t know what the hell happened at most of this year’s VMA Awards. I fell asleep when Beyonce was singing something really loud and woke up two hours later and she was still fucking singing. Then she had a staged kiss with Jay Z and slapped him when she saw he was holding a baby she didn’t remember having. The show opened strong when everybody got to pretend that Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction wasn’t setup or wonder why she was the only one of three singers outfitted with a hands-free microphone so her hands could hold her dress front together. Minor complains compared to the horrible shit for music teenage girls like these days. You know, as opposed to past generations when teenage girls had awesome taste in music.
The true highlight of the evening came when Miley Cyrus won some Nobel award for Wrecking Ball and sent up a dude in her stead to give a speech about homeless young people in America. Miley sobbed in the audience as the former street teen from Oregon handsome enough to have been molested by Gus Van Sant during casting calls for My Own Private Idaho spoke about a charity Miley had set up on her Facebook page to help unsheltered young persons. Miley just met the guy on Tuesday. I guess they bonded super quick. Since she’s promoting a charity it’d be wrong to suggest Miley used him to wipe the slate clean from a year again when she ass ground Robin Thicke’s cock out of his marriage. MTV is really not ideal viewing for people who ask follow up questions.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty, Splash