Khardashians Celebrate Genocide

By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

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The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.

My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper

In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.

Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Artist Remains Poor

By Matt April 09, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

CHicks

Some Banksy disciple erected novelty signs across popular destinations in Los Angeles including the Kardashian owned DASH clothing store which read “No Kardashian Parking.” I tend to generalize artists as a loose group of self-indulged assholes who live off the misplaced kindness of others. But I also believe that in the specific. Why do you have this much time and given those signs cost $40 bucks a pop I’d like to know who’s financing this. Yeah your dad’s an asshole but he can see you doing this from his office. Sorry they ignored your watercolor work. Get a real job, like machine pressing real parking signs that confuse people into tickets. That day, you’ll be a man. Artists don’t sit at the big boy table in Valhalla.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Rob Kardashian Hanging By A Thread

By Matt April 07, 2015 @ 8:05 AM

RK

Rob Kardashian is either a fat recluse who needs help or a normal guy who appears this way compared to the rest of his family. Kris Jenner spoke about his condition on a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians:

“I’ve gotten a few reports that he’s been spending a lot of money and locking himself up in his room a lot and not really coming out… I’m just worried about what’s going on… I feel like if I don’t help him do something drastic that he’s gonna die.”

You just did something drastic. Assuming this isn’t bullshit and the guy is really depressed you just embarrassed him on national television for your ratings. Just lay a gun on his doorstep while you’re at it. Assuming this is a story line for the show you’re treading on dangerous ground. How are we supposed to separate the bullshit from the other bullshit? It’s no wonder so many reality stars commit suicide. They call you crying in the middle of the night and you hang up because you don’t know if they’re on the edge of a pier or following a script on a sound stage. I have to work tomorrow. You just cried wolf, bitch.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Kim Kardashian Flowerless

By Matt April 02, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

KK

Kim Kardashian made a phone call to her straight husband Kanye West on her TV show which will not be on the air until 2037. She announced there is something wrong with the reproductive segments of her business and it might prohibit her from having more children:

“I’m trying to get a hold of Kanye cause I just came from my fertility doctor and they need me to go into surgery to kind of clear out something in my uterus.”

It’s unclear if this is real or not but judging by her acting I’d say probably not. If you’re the doctor you have to do the right thing. Medical malpractice suits are increasingly difficult to win and there’s a chick down the hall who needs a hysterectomy because her mood ring turned purple. Looks like someone switched the files. I’ve seen Armageddon. It’s time for good men to step up. Where can a brother score some scrubs?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jaime King Seems Acutely Sensitive

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 12:52 PM

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Jaime King claims that witnessing Kim Kardashian bashed online for being huge and pregnant at the Met Ball two years ago made her cry for five hours. That seems like an awful long time. Especially when learning about The Holocaust in school only elicited a mild grimace.

It was so stunning to me that people thought that that was okay — not only okay but they condoned it.They would not even think about the way it would affect her mental health and the child’s health…. What kind of world are we living in now where this is okay, where our bodies are being essentially sold to the highest bidder regarding their comments and that we are just put up on a cross to be persecuted?

Alright, simmer down there, wildly fortunate blond model Jesus. Consider the remote possibility that people simply don’t like Kim Kardashian. Also, that having a baby out of wedlock with a manic rapper in front of television cameras for money might be worse for baby’s health than Twitter jokes about mom looking like grandma’s couch or just a plain old fat whore. I wrote that latter one at the time, so I’d like some ‘called it’ points.

Here’s Jaime King posting photos of herself pregnant without clothes on to help bring dignity to pregnant women everywhere. Also, twelve thousand new joins on her Instagram account.

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Photo credit: Getty Images

Rob Kardashian Deconstructed

By Lex March 24, 2015 @ 8:58 AM

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The Kardashian whore machine is floating a few trial balloons as reasons why Rob Kardashian referred to his sister Kim on Twitter as a lying manipulative murderous bitch. According to sources that are almost certainly Kris Jenner’s media team, Rob Kardashian is just a silly prankster who loves practical jokes. Funny gags like eating disorders, depression, ditching his sister’s wedding, punching women, and cutting sock patterns in the dark basement at night next to the sarcophagus chambering his real dad’s cadaver. Classic knee-slappers.

It’s just him… He always posts things he thinks are funny and deletes and unfollows people… He’s so bizarre, he posts and deletes and thinks people aren’t going to notice.

Like guys with 5 million followers and tons of social media training often do. Forget how Twitter works. Another theory thrown out there by the team is that Rob is very frustrated with his weight and lack of motivation to get into ass fuck shape like his sisters:

He just doesn’t seem to care right now. He’s not motivated. He seems really sad about his weight, but he also isn’t trying to do anything about it.

Consider that a butterball warning shot from Mom, dipshit. She’s a ruthless succubus but she is all that stands between you and a face off with the midget plum hole sister you just outed as a murderous psychopath. You won’t win that fight. Now get back  in the basement and knit us some more socks. You Tweet that shit again, you’ll only need to make left ones for yourself.

Photo credit: FameFlynet