By Jack December 11, 2013 @ 4:33 PM
Kim Kardashian took a lot of shit for being a two-faced whorebag opportunist and stealing 90% of the Ebay charity money she raised for relief efforts in the Philippines. The Kardashians may be illiterate and incapable of reading critical comments about their behavior, but they’re highly paid public relations team knows when it’s time to put the slut dragons back on the offensive. So, Kim came out with the following prepared candid comment:
“The problem comes in when I get attacked for giving and trying to help people…I do it because I want to. I do it because my dad taught me to. I do it because it’s the right thing to do. So for people to attack me for giving 10% of my eBay auction sales to the people of the Philippines, that hurts.”
Wow. Heart pain father attacked giving. You hit all the monkey points. In case the empty platitudes didn’t pass muster, Kim also claims the 50% of the money raised in the Ebay auctions go to fees. Unless that includes sugar cubes to keep Khloe calm, that sounds vague and bullshitty, but let’s take her at her word. So, of the remainder, four for her, one for the floating kids in the Philippines eating mud sandwiches? I bet her dad taught her that too, in between hiding O.J.’s knife and pretending the babies in his wife’s womb were his.
By Travis December 05, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Kim Kardashian raised some eyebrows recently when she stepped out of character on Twitter to angrily respond to a random Tweet that accused her of being a shitty mom since her kid isn’t even a year old and she’s on the road with Kanye West for his tour. Kim claimed that just because we don’t see her with baby North West every hour of the day, that doesn’t mean she’s not a good mom who doesn’t care for her child. And to prove her point, she conveniently stepped out of her New York City apartment yesterday with a stroller so all of the photographers could see her being a wonderful mother.
Still, it’s a shame none of the paparazzi asked, “What kind of cans are in that stroller?” because there’s a chance she would have answered, “Soup… I mean, baby.”
Photo Credit: Tom Meinelt/Splash News
By Jack December 04, 2013 @ 1:55 PM
Kim and Kanye reaaaally want to have their wedding at Versailles. Yes, THAT Versailles. The over-the-top golden palace of the Bourbon kings of France. I mean, where else would the lord Yessiah and his cum dumpster queen get married than at the most famous palace on Earth? It’s unclear whether the Frogs will let the couple marry on the grounds of the national landmark. at least not without denouncing America and pretending French comedies are the least bit funny. It’s strangely fitting in a way. Much like Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI these two are largely hated for their ridiculous lifestyle and general dickery. Also like the two rotting royals, they seem completely oblivious to the fact that everyone wants to see their heads roll down a wooden platform and into a basket while painted midgets dance and traveling minstrels play the lute. Let them eat Khloe.
By Jack December 02, 2013 @ 1:41 PM
America’s favorite baby mama, Kim Kardashian, is tired of people saying she is a shitty mother. Ever since she yelped out Kanye West’s bastard child from her lower gaping maw in June, she’s seems to have gone on with her life as if nothing happened. She still follows Kanye around on tour like a groupie star banger, taking selfies in the bathroom without her underpants on before shows. In response to some Twitter follower accusing her of not spending enough time with daughter North West, she replied with,
“@jlmcbryde u sound so ignorant. Bc I don’t tweet or instagram my every move w my daughter means I am not with her 247? We share what we want. Or is it bc I go support my fiance at every show & I post pix? When the baby goes down 4 bed or a nap, parents are allowed 2 work & support each other, maybe even have fun too.”
Yes, you marble-brained phonetic speller. This is all hate on you for being a supportive working mom. And you’re only leaving your kid when she’s napping. Like when she conveniently napped for a week so you could go to Paris Fashion Week and get free samples. Or the seven hour power naps she takes thrice daily to allow you time to make up and wardrobe your reality show jaunts. It’s wonderful how you travel with your baby daddy to support his show because Kanye really needs your constant care. In contrast. infants have been found surviving in natural disaster rubble almost forty-eight hours on their own provided temperatures don’t drop in the evenings.
By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!
By Jack November 28, 2013 @ 12:52 PM
Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,
“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”
Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.