By Lex March 15, 2013 @ 1:10 PM
It’s just about time to blow the flute and order the Oompas to roll Kim Kardashian off to the juicing room as the world’s biggest merch whore swells with the gestation of her billion dollar bastard baby. If you believe the supermarket tabloids, and why the fuck not, Kim is so distraught over her changing body figure that she’s shoveling Butter Brickle into her gaping maw before, during, and after her sweaty workouts. She even touched Khloe’s food, and nobody touches Khloe’s food. Leave it to the reverse science of a moronic reality TV star to solve her ‘I’m getting so fat’ issues by hunkering down with a Pizza Hut Meat Lover’s XL.
Kim’s destiny is to be Spanx-girdled and lonely and covered in the sad memories of all the men who have cum before her. At least that big pile of cash she’s sitting on will soak up the tears.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Bill March 13, 2013 @ 12:19 PM
If this were a fill in the blanket contest and you heard, ‘Kim Kardashian just got sprayed in the face with _________’, the word ‘blood’ probably wouldn’t come to mind. It came up number seven on my own list, well after jizz, Khloe shat, kumquat juice, AstroGlide, small foreign coins, and Kanye punches. Still, it happened. Because in a desperate attempt to cover up the fact that the Kim Death Star is now nearly the size of a celestial object, Kim shot her face up with fatty blood from her arm. It’s some new 90210 procedure meant to get rid of wrinkles in your face.
You know what else gets rid of wrinkles in your face? Not being a money-sucking merchandise whore bearing the bastard baby of a demented fashion-rapper. Hindsight is 20-20. So onto the bloody injections.
By Lex March 01, 2013 @ 3:41 PM
Filled with her bastard baby, the future fatty and soon forgotten Kim Kardashian has been shaking off rumors that she plans to sell off her future baby conceived through sweaty butt sex with Kanye West (a double miracle of conception as it was Kim who was plugging Kanye up the ass). We started those rumors, so I think you can call them dubious at best.
By the time Kim gets to divorce trial in May with the NBA baller who didn’t realize he was signing off to be her next cuckold paycheck, she’s going to look like a fucking aircraft carrier, complete with sailor jag-off lining the walls of her sleeping quarters.
Photo credit: AKM/GSI
According to Steve Hirsch, the guy who runs Vivid, which own the rights to the Kim K Superstar sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian when she was young and less smart about getting paid upfront for sex, there was a fire in his office over the weekend and the safe containing the master copy of Kim K Superstar nearly burned up.
Thankfully, while the safe singed, the contents were safe. So you can still order new copies of Kim’ sex tape, or watch it on five-finger discount on the web, or just wait ten years to pay Kim $20 to flash her bare yam to you at a strip club.
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” – Kris Jenner, applying lube to Kanye
Image Source – Splash News, WENN
By brendon February 07, 2013 @ 1:22 PM
Kim Kardashian took a well deserved break from shopping in front of the paparazzi to go shopping in front of the paparazzi yesterday. She lives her life with such a noble simplicity and sedate grandeur, I bet Keats wishes he was still alive so she could be his muse.