Kim Kardashian Ready to Be Deflowered

By Lex May 23, 2014 @ 12:39 PM

Kim-Kardashian-Bachelorette-Party-in-Paris
Kim Kardashian gathered up her sisters and half-sisters, some of her BFFs, and a half dozen or so of her entourage and handlers to make her Parisian bachelorette dinner look robust and happy. It was like the Last Supper of fame whores. Kim isn’t about to be nailed to the cross, but she is about to be nailed by her new husband, which has to be daunting for any woman who has held her maidenhead so sacrosanct for her new life partner. What will sex be like? Will I feel like a woman? Will I flinch when he poops on my face and tells me to eat it, bitch? If only Kim had a mom to talk to who had also been married multiple times and slept around with black celebrities like she was going for a Guinness Record.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com

Kim Kardashian’s Ass Now Also Wedding Ready

By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 5:30 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Booty In Tights With Kanye West At A Gym In Paris
Unlike so many other couples in Hollywood canceling their weddings, Kim and Kayne are locked and loaded and pre-paid into this event on Saturday. The two Parisian imported intellects attempted to go unrecognized by the ten thousand cameramen following them everywhere they go by covering their faces with bandanas. Mon dieu, I wonder who that veiled women with an ass like a Lascaux cave buffalo is with Kanye West? What name shall we report to our Communist newspapers? Kim has been seen eating tons of ice cream and other fattening shit in Paris, presumably unstarving herself in an attempt to keep her word to get legitimately pregnant as soon as Kanye says I duz. In this manner she can ensure the fate of her bastard daughter North as a stripper slash Japanese import car model.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News

Brody Jenner Is Mad That He Didn’t Get A Plus One For Kim’s Wedding

By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Brody Jenner and some girl

Kim Kardashian’s big wedding to Kanye West this weekend won’t be perfect unless it also offers a stupid dramatic angle that can be exploited on her TV show once she’s done collecting the millions of dollars that she’ll be receiving just for getting married for a third time. Her stepbrother Brody Jenner was more than willing to provide that drama when he chose not to attend the wedding because Kim wouldn’t invite his girlfriend, Kaitlynn Carter, according to Us Weekly. On one hand, Kim’s right to not want the girl that Brody has only been dating for seven months to be at her wedding, taking pictures and sharing them with god knows who. But on the other hand, would it really be that much of an inconvenience to take one of Rob Kardashian’s meals away from him so one more person can attend?

Photo Credit: Brody Jenner’s Instagram

Kim Kardashian’s Bare Boobs Prepping for Wedding #3

By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 6:27 PM

Kim Kardashian Steps Out Braless With Kanye West In Paris
You may have heard by now the entire Kardashian French wedding thing was a bit of a hoax as Kanye and his blushing maiden are to be married in a medieval palace this weekend outside of Florence, Italy. It’s a fortress where the Florentine aristocrats used to barricade themselves when communicable disease broke out in the city. For some serious American dollars, after five hundred years the landlords are swinging open the gates and allowing the communicable disease to come to them. Kim has been letting her titties hang free in preparation to slip commando into her virginal white gown for the wedding. Kim’s implants are composed mainly of silicon, with the addition of beeswax and crunched up breakfast cereal for a crackle effect when you finish on her tits. Not every woman thinks ahead like that. Which is why not every woman is worth $40 million despite not a modicum of talent.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com

Lana Del Ray Will Perform At Kim’s Wedding

By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

This weekend’s wedding between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West in Florence, Italy is supposed to be a small, personal affair that will only feature the closest of friends and family, and probably two chairs for Rob Kardashian. Of course, small and personal doesn’t mean humble or understated, because among the many luxuries that are bound to be revealed along the way, Lana Del Rey has been booked to sing her song “Young and Beautiful” for the special couple. According to Mirror, after Lana previously declined Kanye’s offer to perform at his baseball stadium engagement, she has now accepted six figures for the wedding, because self-respect and art don’t mean shit when it comes to pocketing that dirty sex tape money.

Ray J Is Giving Kim And Kanye A Wedding Present

By Travis May 19, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Kim and Ray J

With Kim Kardashian and Kanye West just days away from their humble, private wedding in Italy, it’s a perfect time for Ray J to hop into the picture and make himself slightly famous again. When Kim was engaged to Kris Humphries, it was reported that Ray J was sending Kim inappropriate text messages while he openly bragged about their sex tape, and now he’s basically doing the same thing, except instead of text messages, he’s sending her a check for $46,840.13. According to TMZ, that’s the total amount of money Ray J has made through four months in 2014 on his sex tape with Kim. Keep in mind, that sex tape was made in 2007 and just about everybody on Earth has seen it, so the fact that it’s still making money is fucking retarded. At this point the government should purchase it and use its profits to fund the war on terror or improve the education system so today’s teenage girls will be better prepared for their careers in porn when they turn 18.