By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 10:22 AM
There’s something comforting in never having to wonder what the whore is planning. It’s whore stuff. Mollusks have more complex agendas than Kim Kardashian who posted a photo of herself in a bikini against a green backdrop to honor earth day while pushing her book of selfies.
In honor of Earth Day here is my best plant selfie from my new book #Selfish coming out May 5th!
The exclamation point seems a bit much. The damaged clanswomen who exchange their colored beads for your book don’t need prodding to seal their position as bottom rung on the mental food chain. The entire point of Earth Day is to sell somebody on something. Kim showing off her tits in front of a bush isn’t any more cynical than Governor Brown forgetting to mention that I can no longer wash my balls because we need more almond milk for the anti-vaxxers in Santa Barbara. Everybody’s lying on Earth Day. Kim had the decency to show off her tits. That’s called a mitigating factor. Buy her book and complete the circle. I’m moving to Seattle where the are no televisions.
Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram/Elle France
By Lex April 22, 2015 @ 9:38 AM
Nobody works harder than Amy Schumer to promote her show. Schumer threw herself mockingly on the ground before Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as they entered the Time Magazine 100 Most Influential Persons Gala to be honored for helping the magazine sell a few more copies before it circles one last time down the historical bowl. Schumer’s stunt wasn’t super funny, but you have to honor the initiative. You could easily be designer shoe stomped by Kanye West in a reflexive fit of rage. Kim Kardashian lied and said she found the whole bit amusing, though it still didn’t sink in that a woman can advance her career interests without taking a dick in her ass. Security reminded everyone that this could’ve been a real attack by a dangerous person with a gun, also reminding us this could’ve turned out so much better.
Photo Credit: Getty/FameFlynet
By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 8:27 AM
Kim Kardashian’s likeness was blurred out of an ultra-orthodox newspaper in Israel because super religious Jews believe that pictures of skin revealing women inherently make them seem like whores. You could argue the general religious point, but since the actual example is Kim Kardashian, it’s hard to argue against the specific. Kanye and Kim were in Israel to have their toddler christened at the site of Jesus’ crucifixion. Also to have tons of footage of them christening their toddler. While in Jerusalem they met with the city’s mayor who was interested in their thoughts on housing policy against a backdrop of a multi-ethnic urban environment.. Also, he just had to know if Kanye puts Kim in an injured horse harness when he fucks her. Really, people around the world think very similar thoughts.
Photo Credit: Twitter/FameFlynet
By Lex April 15, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Kim Kardashian prompted her social media assistant to Tweet that Kanye West jumped out of bed to perform a concert in the Armenian capital city. That crazy impetuous fool.
Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he’s doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!
Nary a phrase of that is the least bit believable. Black men who bolt unannounced into the streets of Armenia don’t fare well. Kim hasn’t thrown on sweats and headed out since she was eleven and her mom sewed her phone number onto the ass with an implied blow job logo.
Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!
Take a breath, Nell McGill, ace reporter for the Junior High Bee. The lake is a foot deep. It’s called a fountain. The authorities shut down the obviously unplanned event when spectators jumped into the water either out of enthusiasm or in an effort to bag Kanye and claim their reward. It’s a night nobody in Armenia will soon forget. They still haven’t forgotten the last genocide. It’ll all make sense after the film is edited and Kim is seen driving away the Ottoman Turks with her retractable vagina whip.
Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Kim Kardashian and The Big One got decked out for a visit to the Armenian Genocide memorial, it was like their Oscars. Their reality show camera crew and entourage were kept at a respectful six foot distance in honor of the great loss of lives. Also, they were tired of being pelted by rocks and cigarette butts. Khloe imagined a world without chimichangas providing her the perfect single tear for the solemn moment. Being an extremely practical people, the Armenians understand their deal with the Kardashian devil to bring any attention to their native land. Armenian genocide wasn’t tracking on Google until the outlander whores arrived on private jet to film a few episodes. Track record says only horror and shame follows the Kardashian snail trail. Armenians have low built in expectations. History will call this a wash.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 09, 2015 @ 8:32 AM
The Kardashians headed to Armenia to honor the 100th anniversary of the 1915 Armenian genocide where anywhere from several hundred thousand to several million ethnic Armenians perished so that System of a Down could someday have arcane song lyrics. Genocide took a back seat on this day when Khloe Kardashian and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and a camera crew landed in Armenia for a ten day trip visiting museums and memorials and seventh cousins who made themselves available for a family reunion when E! offered up unfiltered packs of Camels for anyone willing to hug Kanye on camera.
My husband and daughter came to Armenia as well to see my heritage and learn about my ancestors! My cousins came along too! So excited I can’t sleep. — Kim, on Instagram, our nation’s newspaper
In her previous thirty-four years, Kim’s jetted to pretty much every single other country in the hemisphere except for Armenia. It’s just been too precious too touch. Like her virginity. But now, it’s just the right time. Or when the camera guys says ‘rolling’. Imagine the connection when you learn that you’re great-aunt Marena was a prostitute who tea bagged village men in exchange for buckets of water from the less dirty well.
Armenian locals were originally miffed when they heard the Kardashian circus was coming to town during the Genocide memorial events until they realized Armenia was finally going to crack the Google Top 10,000 popular daily search terms. There’s principle and then there’s finally having tourists to sell some sweet and sour mustache wax.
Photo credit: Getty Images