By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 10:32 AM
Update: Just to be clear, between attorneys for black Jesus, my own counsel the ghost of Justice Brandeis, and one very pissed-off toddler, I’d like to clearly state that nothing in this post should imply, indicate, or infer that I honestly believe a young child should have breast augmentation surgery or engage in any types of illicit carnal transactions. There’s time for everything in life. For this beautiful child, it’s a time of great innocence and wonder. I wish her nothing but the best on her journey to that place I’m pretty sure we all know she’s headed, though couldn’t possibly state with any legal certainty.
If this little Kardashian thinks having her ears pierced and clubbing at midnight cuts the family standards, she’s in for a rude awakening. You can’t have one cheap mannequin flashing her oversized cans in the City of Light while her arm accessory looks ready to cry and isn’t filling out her whore suit. If you’re walking, you’re earning. That’s the Kardashian motto. Along with something in Latin that translates roughly to cock in trachea, ten denarius not including tip.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
According to the Kardashian fueled celebrity press machine, Kim Kardashian was nearly struck down in Paris by COBRA hellbent on thwarting her social progress for women and the poor and rappers with big cocks who can’t afford to live in Los Angeles. Think of her as an Indira Ghandi or Golda Meir, if those ladies had chosen not to wear bras to get more attention. In reality, Kim was merely the latest victim of that Speedo wearing Ukranian paparazzi who likes to lick the nads of celebrities and for some reason hasn’t yet been packed into a bag and thrown into a river. Once the heat from the Kim as Christ framing wears off, she’ll start mentioning how she and Brad Pitt and Will Smith all have the same stalker.
The entire inane fashion show was held up forty minutes for Kim and Kanye who were running late because they chick who waxes their nipples in Paris got stuck on her moped in a traffic circle. When Kim entered the show, she got roundly booed by the French fashion photographers who were put out from the wait. Also, since they’re French, they hate everybody. Kanye went over to the booing photographers to tell them the harrowing tale nobody believes of his father also being a paparazzi, but none of them spoke English or gave a shit so Kanye just ordered his bodyguards to punch them in their coifs. He’s becoming more legally savvy as he journeys through life.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack September 25, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
A Ukrainian douche named Vitalii Sediuk who likes to fuck with celebrities tackled Kim Kardashian at Paris fashion week. This is the same dude that tried to kiss Brad Pitt and Will Smith and got punched in the face. Kim tried to turn it into her own JFK grassy knoll moment because her response to everything is to juice her publicity.
See Kim’s harrowing journey to the ground. (Huffington Post)
This is South African model Derryn Lester and these are her naked tits. (Drunken Stepfather)
Chelsea Heath is topless, unfortunately covered topless, but still. (Hollywood Tuna)
Bear Grylls proposed with a ring he had up his ass. Smells like love. (The Superficial)
Lindsay Lohan’s Broadway debut went as well as you’d expect. (Dlisted)
Charlotte McKinney smashes a kid’s head in her tits on Tosh.0. Lucky fuck. (COED)
Shiny stormtrooper helmet gets leaked from Star Wars set. (Movie Pilot)
By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 9:51 AM
There’s no prouder moment for an attention starved whore than when you get to watch your half-sister by way of your tranny stepdad take her first steps on a runway in Paris. Naturally, you can’t support your familial whoreling without ten hours of hair and makeup and a dress that reminds the wealthy men in the audience they can’t plow their uncircumcised cocks through Kendall’s tiny fashion model titties.
Kris Jenner intentionally built a healthy dose of competition among and between her surgically enhanced offspring. Sort of like the Jack Harbaugh did with his sons in football. You can be friends in the offseason but when the whistle blows in a Niners-Ravens game, you’ll fratricide the shit out of your childhood bunk-bed mate. I’m not saying Kim would shank her younger sister if she ever felt she was a threat. Poison seems more like Kim’s dark calling.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 21, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
The outraged Olympics are about to begin again in Hollywood. Every reasonably attractive celebrity who ever filmed themselves fingering their clam is about to let their better educated press agents climb the soapbox under their banner. I can only imagine the outrageously pointed Tweet coming from Lena Dunham who will sweepingly denounce 175 million gawkers as rapists, while secretly lamenting why no man ever stands in her virtual window at night manipulating his sexual organs.
Until such time as all these people awake, the celebrity rags who serve as their ass-dwelling minions shall stand in their place. InTouch already has a piece out about the “horrific: nude photo hacks plaguing Kim Kardashian, no stranger to such violations as in her 2007 virtual assault via the leaked Ray J tape. If by assault they mean Kim’s mom negotiated the rights deal to Vivid for a billion dollars and a chance to show her father Satan she could become more famous than he, then yes. I’m not even so sure Kim and her illicit band of truth hackers didn’t leak these latest photos herself into the latest Fappening event. Are you telling me some hacker got access to the Kim Kardashian vault of private selfies of the past decade and only found two rather nicely posed flattering nude photos of Kim? That’s like a Soviet spy having a weekend unfettered in the Pentagon and coming back with only some U.S. Army stationery. I call bullshit. Nevertheless, seeing as how the Kardashians are Kasparoving seventeen moves ahead, expect one of the most self-righteous attacks ever on the sanctity of the personal titty photos.
Universal disclaimer: It’s still wrong to steal other people’s shit. Stop your hacking now, hacking bandits. Though, on the off chance you just can’t help yourselves, maybe some Jessica Alba’s and that chick who’s on Agents of Shield?
** If you’re a virtual privacy rapist with no shame and you hate your mother, you can see Kim’s naked leaked photos HERE.
By Lex September 20, 2014 @ 9:44 PM
Way to fuck up my Saturday night. But, hell, for a chance to see Hope Solo wizard sleeves that even Gandalf would find overblown, not to mention disgusting, I can put down the absinthe.
Another round of celebrity photos borrowed from the iCloud which runs about as safe as those old Western banks Butch and Sundance used to rob with a smile was dispersed onto the Internet via the Chans and Reddit re-feeds today. I had thought the FBI was going whole hog after these insidious hacker beasts who are revealing the last inch of skin on these celebrities they don’t already show themselves on social media. Still, it’s rude. Let’s all admit it’s wrong too. A bloody flagellation couldn’t hurt either to cleanse our souls of the sin of stolen tits.
Here’s what I saw. Emily Ratajkowski has amazing tits and likes to finger her pink. Lake Bell has equally amazing tits and if one more person calls her butterface I’m going to Ray Rice them in an elevator. Who cares. Vanessa Hudgens is emotionally incapable of learning a lesson about taking naked photographs of herself. Gabrielle Union is over 40 but her tits don’t look a day over 35. Hope Solo could use an hour of the Epilady around the anus. Kaley Cuoco is not as be-all end-all as nerds think. I have no clue who AJ Michalka is, but she could earn a quick million from an Arab emirate who loves to titty fuck. And, finally Kim Kardashian almost certainly leaked her own topless selfies just to be part of the media blitz.
That’s not a bad Saturday night. Certainly better than the Sunday morning whence will come the horrific rants about the end of the world since in 2014 men suddenly started unwanted peeking girls in the shower. If nothing else, Sarah Lawrence gets some new inter-sessions hot seminar topics so this works out well.
Like I wouldn’t give you the fucking links. I’m not your high school girlfriend reveling in your blue balls.
Looks like almost the entire set on DrunkenStepfather (Now Gone)
And Kim Kardashian and others also here on DS
Some on Reddit
More on private Fappening subs
Don’t blame me when they go dark because you were too slow. I’ll update as I can. Which means not soon. I’m not your fucking Internet butler.