By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
While Kim Kardashian won’t be having her lavish Parisian wedding until May 24, sharing her love and success with 200 of her closest friends and sex tape partners, the former Mrs. Kris Humphries and Mrs. Damon Thomas is now the current Mrs. Kanye West, according to the state of California. Kim and Kanye reportedly made her third marriage official last week by obtaining their license, but it still won’t be assholish celebrity official until they can profit from the “private” photos of their ceremony like any good celebrity and narcissist would do. According to Life and Style, their ceremony and reception will even feature multiple wardrobe changes, so that Kim can remind everyone that she thinks she’s a fashion icon, because she lets designers give her free shit, while also keeping the focus right where she prefers it – directly on her tits.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Jack April 25, 2014 @ 12:28 PM
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have to get married three times. The two narcissistic walking genitalia are planning a ridiculously over-the-top wedding in France. But they have to also get married in a civil ceremony in California and an additional civil wedding in France before their fuck-off religious service. I guarantee you that she is going to make these two legal formalities huge fucking televised affairs. I don’t see Kim Kardashian settling for a simple standard civil ceremony. She’ll probably buy three designer dresses and in Kardashian custom, beg her new husband to travel back in time to 1997 and rob her anal teen cherry so he can own her completely. I’m not sure if she’ll require three divorces from Kanye once all the People magazine and E! TV checks have cleared and she’s no longer getting a press bump from being married. We’ll know in about sixteen months.
By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
It used to be you had to pretend to be a model parent to pass out advice to the rest of the fertile womb klatch. You know, those moms who always seemed put together, gave lectures to other moms or wrote books about how to get your kid to stop being such an asshole in stores simply by getting down on one knee and explaining to them how feelings work. Then you’d have to wait ten years to learn that mom was a heavy drinker who was fucking the gardener while the kids were high on aerosol cheese because dad was unable to hug them. Enter Kim Kardashian. Who knows parenting better than an about to be thrice married huckster with a tattoo on her taint that reads ‘If you’re seeing this, then you already know why I’m rich’. Kim’s a technically working, technically single mom, which makes her the perfect dispenser of maternal wisdom. Little nuggets like she laid off on about to be a mom friend, Ciara:
I believe in allowing your child to be who they want to be-as long as they want to be something great
In other words, North can choose between hooking and neurosurgery, but she will not fucking work at the mall like I had to before mom killed dad and we got the bigger house. According to Ciara, who I thought had a dick but is apparently about to birth a baby, Kim has been a font of great motherly advice, from breast feeding to how to assemble a stroller. Or, you know, how to get the wet nurse and the nannies to get that shit done. Being a great mom is all about time management. Or as Kim might put it in her encouraging tips to moms, spending a long day looking after North and still looking good for your rapper baby daddy when he gets home from fucking your little half-sister’s girlfriends. Motherhood isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 1:22 PM
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Travis April 11, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Kim Kardashian and her family just returned from a lavish and beautiful vacation in Thailand, and it was so picturesque and perfect that Kim didn’t bother taking her own photos to post on Instagram, because she could just take some from Google and pass them off as her own. But now that she’s back in America, Kim is all business as usual, and that means that instead of being mostly naked on a boat for the sake of “fashion,” she’s squeezing her big old mom tits into tight dresses for the sake of “fashion.” Where was she going with her breasts crammed so tight that the escape of just one could have caused a 5.5 on the Richter scale? I don’t know, but I’m sure her date paid plenty.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian Instagram
By Travis April 03, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
“Whiteface” pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he’s been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool because people already knew about them. Still, he ended up admitting that he regretted listing the famous desperate women, but that changed yesterday with Howard Stern, as he used the platform to brag about how awesome his sex life is with Mariah, whom he claims has no clue who Kim Kardashian is. This is all pretty remarkable considering the two things that people don’t really give a shit about is where Nick Cannon puts his dick and his comedy.
Photo Credit: Getty