By Lex November 14, 2013 @ 3:07 PM
I’m not sure when the International Seamstress Awards are, but somebody needs to win the Golden Singer for figuring out how to pack Kim Kardashian’s ass into this skirt without splitting it asunder. It’s like watching a cat wiggle through an impossibly tiny hole, if that cat had an enormous fat ass filled with Kanye spooge. I’m not sure what Kim was thinking bringing out her Level 5 Kaiju in public, but I suppose it was something along the lines of ‘I want attention, I have no talent… hey, I know what I can do.’
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com, Splash
By Jack November 07, 2013 @ 1:13 PM
Family brothel operator Kris Jenner opened up to Joan Rivers about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape on the In Bed With Joan web show. Crypt Keeper Joan Rivers asked Kris how it felt to see her little girl get fucked and pissed on by Ray J. Not good apparently. Kris says she “fell apart” when the sex tape went public:
“I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think anything can prepare you for something like that when it comes to your daughter. I had to go into a room and cry for a couple days and say, ‘okay, pull yourself to–fucking–gether because you have to be here for all these kids and your family, and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.’”
Um, bullshit. It’s long been rumored that the of making a sex tape or the releasing of the sex tape was all Kris Jenner’s idea. As Kim’s manager she figured it was an easy way to launch the talentless whorebag to stardom. The sad thing is that she was right. If the world hadn’t seen that tape then no one would give a shit about who Kris Jenner or Kim Kardashian are. The day man invents a time machine, I expect erasing that moment in history to be one of the first tasks we all agree has to get done first.
By Lex November 05, 2013 @ 1:40 PM
Kris Jenner is the Energizer bunny of pimping out her kids. With all the negative news surrounding the family of late, divorces, illegitimate kids, all the buried babies yet to be washed up during the first winter rain, Kris grabbed her female children, some revealing dresses, and got everybody out to the beach to show off some titty. Of age, barely legal, fat and gunky, underaged, it did not matter. Just get the sun glare and the soft lenses working, the girls in some skin baring outfits, and start snapping away. And it’s all perfectly legal. She’s like the most dangerous Batman villain yet.
Photo Credit: The Kardashians/Instagram
By Lex November 01, 2013 @ 1:08 PM
You can invade Kim Kardashian’s privacy, hell, you can roll her on her back like a wounded turtle and graffiti dirty limericks on her Spanx, just don’t get between her and her money. You will get cut. It seems that YouTube co-founder Chad Hurley star-fucked and snuck his way into the Kim and Kanye engagement contraption at AT&T field. Then he leaked personal video of the event which got Kim and Kanye all in a tiff because it was supposed to be a very personal private romantic event. By personal and private, of course that means the Kardashians were filming the event themselves with the intent to sell coverage to an E! production company subsidiary. That’s where Chad Hurley fucked up. The mama bear doesn’t care about your Silicon Valley bank accounts when you get between her and her cubs. The Kardashians don’t give a fuck if you invented the thing that made Psy and Justin Bieber part of the cultural lexicon. Say goodbye to your billions, Chad Hurley.
By Jack October 30, 2013 @ 2:28 PM
Kanye West is having another bout of saying shit that makes sense in his world. This time he’s claiming that the Blessed He and Kim are more influential than President Obama and his wife Michelle. It all went down when the megalomaniacal semi-decent rapper sat down with fancy lad Ryan Seacrest for an interview. According to Kanye, he and Kim are pushing down the barriers of racism and classicism through fashion. That doesn’t even make any sense, but I assume he’ll think he’s being persecuted for saying it.. More importantly Kanye believes Kim is more of a trailblazer than Michelle Obama because,
“Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”
He must mean the slutty swimsuit pic Kim took to show off her post-pregnancy tits and ass. He might be right. Michelle’s got a half-decent booty, but it’s not necessarily primed to make her a multimillionaire by letting dudes futz with it. On the other hand, Michelle does have those Ivy League degrees and can count to twenty-two without having to be naked. It’s not a dick full of Ray J on camera, but it’s got to count for something.
By Lex October 30, 2013 @ 12:29 PM
Last week the reality family took over AT&T Park to formalize the procreation process between Kim and Kanye, now Magic Mountain theme park just north of Los Angeles to celebrate Kendall’s 18th birthday. The place can run about 25,000 visitors on a good day. On a trashy night, about ten Kardashians plus Justin Bieber’s friend Lil Twist who was passed out on the floor of one of the family Range Rovers. Everybody got to celebrate the day upon which the State of California will recognize that certain of Kendall’s for-profit talents are now fully lawful. As Kris Jenner calls it, Opportunity Day. the day Kris will sit Kendall down and tell her the story of the Great Fork in the Road. How one path leads to Kim, pointing to Kim with Kanye surrounded by paparazzi and bags of gold coins, and how one road leads to Khloe, pointing to the hoodied Wookie alone on the park bench trying to eat a caramel apple from the inside out. Then mom and daughter will share a knowing laugh as mom hands Kendall a Sony handycam and reminds her that Vegas hotel room lighting can cast unflattering shadows, so keep that mug pointed toward the sheets.