By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
There’s not a person alive, cursed with knowledge of the existence of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who thinks that their wedding last weekend was going to be anything but a display of narcissistic bullshit and a reminder to everyone in attendance that they think they’re the most important people in the world. According to Page Six, though, it was so much worse than we could have imagined, from all of the bathrooms being set up in a 49-foot tall golden box that was dubbed the toilet tower to Jaden Smith running around the room, breaking everyone’s drinking glasses. But the best moment for Kanye was probably when he didn’t like the one-of-a-kind $136,000 music system created just for this wedding, because the speakers were visible and he allegedly said, “You Italians don’t understand my Minimalist style,” before having it removed. And the best moment for Kim reportedly involved her walking into a beam of light and freaking out because it was illuminating her vagina.
Other than that, it was a pretty standard wedding that featured Justin Bieber fans trying to scale the castle walls, Kanye giving a 45-minute toast to himself, John Legend playing a marble piano, and Andrea Bocelli signing and then being told to go home. Just like anyone else, really.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian’s Instagram
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
You can’t just run a photo montage in Deutschland’s leading cultural magazine comparing Kate Middleton’s bare ass to various Kardashian sister ass and not expect some kind of 007 style response. Kate Middleton is the best looking royal by a margin of infinity times one hundred goofy ears, receding hair lines, and inbred physical impediments. But unlike her brutal looking royal sorority sisters, Kate doesn’t sew led weights into her skirts to keep them from going Marilyn when hopping about the world doing whatever the fuck it is that British royals do. So, we get to see her bare white arse a lot. Which is a good thing for England. Because that empire has been shrinking fast in the past hundred years. They used to rule half the world, now they can barely hold on to London discos. That Duchess bottom isn’t anything like a Kardashian ass. Kate’s pucker is the neat little cork to plug up British diminution. Kardashian ass is what you lay down in the Channel to scuttle the Bismarck. Make no mistake, this is an act of war.
Photo credit: Bild.de
By Lex May 26, 2014 @ 12:47 PM
That giant sucking sound you’re hearing isn’t the economy, it’s Kim Kardashian thanking Kanye West legally tying himself to Kim over the weekend in front of David Blaine and a horde of rappers, reality star succubi, and Bruce Jenner looking like Aphrodite herself. The couple married at an historical Italian fortress before the giant wall of peonies the couple set up to deter God from striking Kim with lightning as she appeared in virginal white. There was also a brilliant white piano symbolizing the ebony and ivory harmony between Kim and Kanye. Also, that Kanye intends to rail Kim in her fat-injected dumper 88 times before he goes on tour and gets back to his regular whores. Do you Kanye Omari West, take this cobbled together offal parts money sucking skank to be your primary bitch for the next twelve to eighteen months until the sweeps week E! Breakup special? I duz. Cue Kris Jenner’s cackle so evil that Satan himself got embarrassed.
Here’s the official wedding guest list used at the event. You can blow it up and see who won the golden ticket. The highlighted names represent those who Kim has let finger her for cash. They were seated at similar tables so they’d have an easy conversation starter.
Photo credit: FameFlynet (above), Pacific Coast News (below)
By Lex May 23, 2014 @ 12:39 PM
Kim Kardashian gathered up her sisters and half-sisters, some of her BFFs, and a half dozen or so of her entourage and handlers to make her Parisian bachelorette dinner look robust and happy. It was like the Last Supper of fame whores. Kim isn’t about to be nailed to the cross, but she is about to be nailed by her new husband, which has to be daunting for any woman who has held her maidenhead so sacrosanct for her new life partner. What will sex be like? Will I feel like a woman? Will I flinch when he poops on my face and tells me to eat it, bitch? If only Kim had a mom to talk to who had also been married multiple times and slept around with black celebrities like she was going for a Guinness Record.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com
By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 5:30 PM
Unlike so many other couples in Hollywood canceling their weddings, Kim and Kayne are locked and loaded and pre-paid into this event on Saturday. The two Parisian imported intellects attempted to go unrecognized by the ten thousand cameramen following them everywhere they go by covering their faces with bandanas. Mon dieu, I wonder who that veiled women with an ass like a Lascaux cave buffalo is with Kanye West? What name shall we report to our Communist newspapers? Kim has been seen eating tons of ice cream and other fattening shit in Paris, presumably unstarving herself in an attempt to keep her word to get legitimately pregnant as soon as Kanye says I duz. In this manner she can ensure the fate of her bastard daughter North as a stripper slash Japanese import car model.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Kim Kardashian’s big wedding to Kanye West this weekend won’t be perfect unless it also offers a stupid dramatic angle that can be exploited on her TV show once she’s done collecting the millions of dollars that she’ll be receiving just for getting married for a third time. Her stepbrother Brody Jenner was more than willing to provide that drama when he chose not to attend the wedding because Kim wouldn’t invite his girlfriend, Kaitlynn Carter, according to Us Weekly. On one hand, Kim’s right to not want the girl that Brody has only been dating for seven months to be at her wedding, taking pictures and sharing them with god knows who. But on the other hand, would it really be that much of an inconvenience to take one of Rob Kardashian’s meals away from him so one more person can attend?
Photo Credit: Brody Jenner’s Instagram