Kanye West Still Dresses His Bride

By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

Kim Kardashian In Fur And Leather Pants In Paris
It’s creepy that your husband lays out and approves your clothes at thirty-four, even if it does bring back childhood memories of hosting dad’s client friends. It’s International Women’s Day. Time to lay out some ground rules. Rule one, stop dressing me like a fuck toy. Show off my tits and ass, fine. But I don’t need to look like the mountain goat all the other goats hump because she’s got her hoof caught in the precipice. There is no rule two unless the temperatures rise in Paris. The French love the smell of an unwashed vagina more than most, but nobody exalts the scent of Yeezus musk cooked in hide.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Has Sex 500 Times a Day (VIDEO)

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

Kanye West Mounts Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian’s claim that she has sex with Kanye five hundred times a day seems exaggerated. It’s probably closer to fifty and only some of that is Kanye. That’s entire reason for the bakery Turn-O-Matic tickets at the entrance to Kim’s fuck cave. Plausible deniability. Also to stop vehicles from ramming.

Kim’s revelation comes in the latest promo for her sister-whores program which officially surpasses the nine year Iraq War as the longest pointless engagement in our nation’s history. Khloe makes a face like somebody stole her last four pastrami sandwiches and Kris tries to pretend she can voluntarily twitch her facial muscles. Not watching is not an option. Kim and Kanye just fucked seventeen times in the two minutes it took you to read this. This is what it’s like when doves cry.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Kim Kardashian Blond Seems 10 Percent Less Craven

By Lex March 05, 2015 @ 8:52 AM

Kim Kardashian Goes Blonde
In France to discuss the social repercussions from trans-African Muslim population resettlement, Kardashian went platinum blond so she could have but five minutes break from people referring to her as that brunette whore who queefs ingots. She looks particularly emotional. Like the dude who made Chappie feel real feelings kicked her in the cooey with some activation dust. She just seems so real now. It’s almost eerie. Imagine if she speaks during sex. Eww. Somebody make her go back. This is unsettling.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Making More Apps

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 9:47 AM

Kim Kardashian is on the cover of AdWeek. Probably not related to AdWeek naming her whoring and shopping mobile game for tweens the hottest app of the year. Major media is more incestuous than the Duggars. You know dad is creating those new grandkids. The article allows Kim to pretend she played some important design role in her current game and the next twenty-seven games she’ll release because young girls are stupid and we no longer protect them from bad things.

Something that really worked in the game that was kind of an accident are the updates. For example, your character can go on vacation to Mexico, and that’s one of the places that I go all the time.

That’s just insane. The leading edge of the IQ bell curve spent 11 billion minutes last year pretending to be a virtual Kim Kardashian on their phones. That’s 11 billion minutes that could’ve been spent listening to Kesha or watching Nickelodeon or being the precocious girl who plays up a few grades at high school rainbow parties. In short, Kim Kardashian is providing a valuable service for just a few bucks with no real victims. Hmm, I bet there’s a name for that profession.

Photo Credit: Adweek/Instagram

Kanye Grieves Like No Other

By Lex February 27, 2015 @ 9:34 AM

Kanye Touches Kim Kardashians Butt In Pink Latex
Sometimes you peel back the layers on a guy you just assumed was an asshole and you’re able to confirm your suspicions. I’d recommend this for days when there’s nothing good on TV. Kanye West broke down in tears on BBC radio talking about the recent death of his fashion mentor, Louise Wilson, a professor at a London Art School who Kanye once looked up on Wikipedia:

Louise Wilson was the baddest professor of all time of any fashion school ever — notorious for not letting people stop at a 7 or 8 ever, pushing people to a 12.”

I guess they don’t use the traditional base-10 scoring system in fashion. I don’t really remember Kanye attending art school in London, but it’s possible it was located next to his favorite leather trousers store and he audited.

Kanye recalls their last meeting at a trendy restaurant in London when Professor Wilson gave him some solid advice for the nannies raising his daughter:

So many students, they don’t give it their all. And the problem is as soon as they do anything halfway good — when they are 2 years old, 3 years old — their parents clap.’ And she just looked at me and she said, ‘Kanye. Don’t clap.’”

Kanye, don’t clap. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kardashians Crashing More Vehicles

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 6:32 AM


Every time you accidentally catch a glimpse of TMZ they’re reporting on a member of this family crashing a vehicle. Given this group is patently uninteresting and in desperate need of material I think it’s fair to posit they’re doing it on purpose like when a dog shits on the floor for attention. Kim, Khloe, Kylie were in Montana where they were supposedly skiing but were probably filming boring television on skis and constantly referencing that it’s cold out like we don’t get it. Their vehicle apparently skidded into oncoming traffic and swerved off the road but unfortunately nobody was hurt. Either TMZ has a source in Billings or these people are reporting their car accidents to tabloids before the police. Kim then alluded to the episode on Instagram:

“Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe.”

Actually your step fatherette just killed a person who doesn’t pray via social media. Maybe it’s all just random. Possibly skewed the other way towards premeditated. Banging black guys is no longer shocking. A fender bender is always a solid plot device. The shark has jumped over the mountain. If your family dies in a fiery blaze the funeral episode will be your highest rated. Something to think about. Just keep the bystanders out of it. They can still be saved.

Photo Credit: Instagram