By Lex August 06, 2013 @ 3:15 PM
While some people see births and marriages and divorces and death as stressful life cycle events, the Kardashians see these are money making opportunities. No sooner has Kim delivered her bastard baby that she’s announced plans to get together with her fashion buddies and start a fashion line for babies.
“It is very cute to design for babies. [It would be] soft colors, pastels, something very dreamy and still trendy,” said Kim’s designer friend Lloyd Klein, trying to sound gayer than any gay man ever before him.
This baby clothing line will be pretentious and stupid and baseless and Kim will make millions from it. Because that’s how nature takes money from dumb people and transfers it to people who are just as dumb but far more ambitious.
By Jack August 02, 2013 @ 1:33 PM
Kim Kardashian pulled a fast one on her Facebook friends by posting a picture of her holding a baby that was not North West. The baby she’s carrying in sister Kourtney’s son Mason, but honestly, who gives a shit about him. He’s not North West, the Yessiah. Kim’s Facebook friends left 3500 comments full of ire over this bullshit game of psyching people out with pics of her womb ferret. Her mom posted a similar fake baby North pic a few weeks ago. No one is going to see that baby until Kim and Kanye find the outlet willing to pay them small nation GDP products.
Everything Kim and Kanye do is geared towards squeezing out the most money possible, even with their kid. Do you think it’s an accident that Kanye’s shitty new album was “leaked” the day before the kid was born? All of these fake baby pics are meant to increase demand for real pictures of North West. If you raise demand you also increase what you can charge. They are price gouging their baby.
(Picture from Kim Kardashian’s Facebook Page)
By Jack July 29, 2013 @ 11:33 AM
We’ve all had fun laughing at Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for naming their bastard daughter North West. But it’s not like the Kardashian family is new to naming their kids something stupid. Every member of that brood has a name that begins with the letter K. So, why didn’t they name this future reality show exploited child with a K name? Because Kim was afraid of people mistaking their brood for the KKK. As in, the Ku Klux Klan. In an upcoming episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, scholarly Kim explains to her shiftless brother Brody that “Our kid, if it’s a K, then they’ll call us the KKK.” Kim Kanye and Baby K.
I’d like to build a logic tree depicting Kim and Kanye’s thinking through on this one. They couldn’t just avoid the ‘K’ name because it’s a stupid ass tradition designed in Hades by the puppet master Kris Jenner? It had to be because of some illogical and completely unsubstantiated fear of being a family of color who people might believe are sending secret Klan signals? And your backup plan is to give the kid a stupid fucking directional name that actually will haunt them forever? Abort.
By Lex July 26, 2013 @ 3:30 PM
Word is out that Kim Kardashian felt heartsick that Kris Humphreys never believed she loved him and that their wedding was just a financial scam for reality TV. So she wanted to set up a Skype chat with Kris to apologize to him, make it right, and let him know she really did love him for all seventy-two days of their marriage. Well, maybe like the first sixty before the People magazine check cleared and she secretly schemed to file divorce papers. Kris was apparently considering talking to Kim, until he realized she wanted to air the Skype chat on The Kardashians reality show. You know, to maybe help other couples in similar multimillion dollar wedding-scam Skype apology situations. Kris Humphreys is a stupid man, but he’s not a really really stupid man. So he told Kim to take a hike. And Kim was left to feign distraught solo over her divorce for the reality crew cameras. I know it’s not nice to call a new mother a callous fame-seeking lying whore. So I won’t.
By Jack July 12, 2013 @ 12:25 PM
Kris Jenner, the crusty vaginal font of all things Kardashian, said that she doesn’t think her new granddaughter will be picked on at school for her name. Kris was on Watch What Happens Live on Wednesday and gay Muppet host Andy Cohen asked her if she thought that lil’ North was going to be mocked by kids in school because, you know, her name is fucking stupid, her mom is a porn star, and her dad, by this point, has moved on to lower maintenance women. Kris said that she didn’t think kids would make fun of North because,
“You don’t walk around saying, ‘Hi, North West.’ You walk around saying, ‘Hi North’ or whatever her nickname may end up being.”
Um, no. Since Kris Jenner hasn’t been in school in many years and denied her own girls that same experience, she just doesn’t understand how school playgrounds work. First of all kids are fucking assholes and they’ll make fun of your name even if it’s something normal like Bob or Stephanie, (Bob Slob or Stepher Heifer, for example). What do you think growing up with the name Jack was like? Being called things like Jackass, Jackoff, Jack-O-Lantern, etc were almost daily occurrences. Even if you don’t say the full name of North West, just North is pretty fucking stupid. It’s a direction not a name and it especially sounds weird on a girl. It’s not going to take many clever school bully minutes before this girl is being called North Stew, Wicked Bitch of the North, Great Half-White North, and other names I’m going to whisper to the little kids in her school to help them torment the Kardashian-West baby. Whatever doesn’t kill her will only make her richer.
By Lex July 04, 2013 @ 10:18 AM
Bearing her rapper boyfriend’s bastard baby has changed Kim Kardashian. So we are told. So much so that when some Australian magazine offered her $3 million for first photos of her stupidly named daughter, Kim said nay. She and Kanye do not want their offspring living a life in front of the camera. By that she means, try $5 million. My guess is People magazine. But, before you call Kim a singularly-focused money-grubbing ass whore, again, the couple has indicated that proceeds will all go to charity. Like Khloe’s and Lamar’s stomach cancer research charity where none of the money raised has gone to cancer research. So, actually, the opposite of that this time. Then, finally, the Kardashian name shall be synonymous with selflessness, community, and giving. As Robert always wanted, or at least promised himself as he was finding a place to hide O.J.’s bloody clothes and knife.