By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!
By Jack November 28, 2013 @ 12:52 PM
Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,
“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”
Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.
By Jack November 27, 2013 @ 4:51 PM
Kanye West defended his baby mama Kim Kardashian’s vapid TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians as promoting interracial relationships. Our lord and saviour Yeezus was on “The Pablo Show” on a Washington D.C. radio station when the subject of Kim’s crappy show came up. According to Kanye, the fact that the Kardashian girls fetishize black men like it’s going out of style helps interracial marriages:
“I’d like to point out that I feel that ‘The Cosby Show’ that I grew up on is part of the reason why America was prepped to accept, you know, a middle class black family in that way. And a lot of what the Kardashians do that I don’t think they get enough credit, is they prep America to understand interracial relationships.”
Um, I doubt it. I think the last thing that anyone thinks about that show is that the Kardshians boning black dudes is groundbreaking. Or the idea of using sex for fame and fortune, out of wedlock babies, messy ugly divorces, and trying to scheme famous athletes and celebrities into joining in the publicity fest. None of this is new. But I’m happy that Kanye has found a completely baseless positive to think about Kim and her family. It probably means he will beat her less when shit goes south within the year.
By Lex November 25, 2013 @ 5:36 PM
When opportunity knocks, Kim Kardashian doesn’t just answer, she greases up her lady squeaker, spreads her legs akimbo, and trips opportunity right into making her a baby. When the earthquake hit Haiti, Kim used it as a primary centerpiece to divert attention away from her sham marriage to Kris Humphreys. While the press wanted to talk fraud, Kim was in Port-au-Prince passing out Kardashian Khaos gift cards to the starving kids in case they were ever in Vegas and in need of costume jewelry. With Typhoon Haiyan, Kim sniffed herself an even bigger opportunity to snatch a piece for herself. She gathered up a bunch of designer swag she’d been gifted and held an auction on Ebay to raise money for typhoon relief charities, with proceeds going…
“directly to the communities they’re serving in the Philippines and will help typhoon survivors get access to medical care and ultimately save lives. My prayers and thoughts are with those affected by the typhoon. Check out my eBay auction here and support those who need our help in the Philippines. Xo.” — Kim trolling for donors on her website.
With Kim, it’s hard to say which are less powerful, her thoughts or her prayers. Still, she was giving both out. What Kim probably absentmindedly forgot to mention was that she was taking a 90% gross percentage off the top for being fucking awesome. Medical aid for the dying Filipinos receiving ten percent. Even Gordon Gekko rose to call Kim a horrible greedy bitch. Sure, there are those of you who will say 10-percent is better than nothing, but that’s just because you’re still staring at her tits thinking you got a shot.
By Lex November 25, 2013 @ 2:13 PM
Somebody from the PR team told Kim and Kanye that before this bastard baby gets old enough to drop out of middle school, they need to get some photos taken pretending to be normal parents. As in, get on your $150 t-shirts and walk that baby around in a hermetically sealed bassinet. The move itself shocked the encircling team of nannies, handlers, and bodyguards who nervously shuffled around like Secret Service agents when the President decided to get out of his limo to go shake hands with the common folk. The entire parenting episode lasted about two minutes, or 10,000 pictures, at which point Kim and Kanye both shuddered and said ‘eww’ and deposited the baby back into the vault that can only be unlocked by cash offers of greater than $250,000.
Photo Credit: INFphoto, PCN, FameFlynet
By Lex November 19, 2013 @ 2:20 PM
Someday, when Kanye West leafs through the trampled heap of megalomania and poor decision making that ultimately shaped his life, he’ll remember that time he got Kim Kardashian naked and riding on his lap atop a motorcycle in one of his shitty music videos. He’ll smile knowing that for one shining moment, he was on top of his game. He was the crowned king Yeezus. Then the sadistic asylum guards will toss a backless surgical gown into Kanye’s room signaling that the daily humblings are about to begin.