By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 5:26 PM
Every time Kim Kardashian changes hairstyle, a collective sexual moan emanates from the E! offices down the street. It’s a very primal response for the minions living off her tits. When Kim changes hair color, Jesus, there hasn’t been such an audible bukkake since the last time Chelsea Handler was cruising executive row trying to launch her talk show. Kim shared a picture of herself with blond hair the other night and the Internet went crazy, especially Dubai IP addresses where bidding for a night lightly to moderately beating Kim climbed to 2 million barrels of oil. Alas, it turns out the new blond do was just a wig! ‘Oh, Fuck Me, Black Celebrity Jesus!’ screamed Kris Jenner who was halfway through bleaching her hair and merkin to match her daughter in her creepy stalker chameleon routine. Kim’s smallest decisions have big consequences for dumb people everywhere.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto, FameFlynet
By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 11:20 AM
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 20, 2014 @ 2:18 PM
Brooklyn art school graduate Hannah Kunkle was touched with a vision of Kim Kardashian. So she painted. And painted. And when she was done painting, she painted some more. Then she went to a hip little sandwich shop in Park Slope you’ve never heard of and when she returned home, there were her completed religious works of Kim Kardashian as Shiva, the Santeria, the Pieta, and a bunch of other VIPs of the earthly religions. Kunkle’s paintings were put on display at Brooklyn art gallery that had to put up something controversial so that more than Kunkle’s art school friends would show up. The result was a great stir among the local clergy, you know, once some reporter from the Daily News told them it existed than asked them leading questions about their feelings.
Father Michael Perry of Our Lady of Refuge Church in Flatbush called the show “dumb and stupid.”
That about sums it up. As for the artist Kunkle, she explained her profound work with a bit of her own millennial artist wisdom:
I’ve never got haters before. I love it.
It’s times like these I miss the Inquisition. They made some mistakes, but they flayed a lot of really annoying painters.
Photo Credit: Hannah Kunkle
By Lex June 17, 2014 @ 10:10 AM
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 03, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
To consummate Kim’s third marriage, Kanye West and his whore bride went on a whirlwind honeymoon across Europe visiting cities where people didn’t know them well enough yet to instinctively throw rocks. Their final stop was Prague where the couple tongued each other on a public bench forever making Hitlers march to the Castle only the second worst living memory for the elderly city residents. There was barely time to fulfill Kim’s honey-do request for anal in the Old Jewish Cemetery before the newlyweds had to jet back to Los Angeles to get back to the business of entertaining America. It’s going to be a sad day when one of these two murders the other in their sleep. But not super sad like when you’re out of beer.
Photo credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
There’s not a person alive, cursed with knowledge of the existence of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who thinks that their wedding last weekend was going to be anything but a display of narcissistic bullshit and a reminder to everyone in attendance that they think they’re the most important people in the world. According to Page Six, though, it was so much worse than we could have imagined, from all of the bathrooms being set up in a 49-foot tall golden box that was dubbed the toilet tower to Jaden Smith running around the room, breaking everyone’s drinking glasses. But the best moment for Kanye was probably when he didn’t like the one-of-a-kind $136,000 music system created just for this wedding, because the speakers were visible and he allegedly said, “You Italians don’t understand my Minimalist style,” before having it removed. And the best moment for Kim reportedly involved her walking into a beam of light and freaking out because it was illuminating her vagina.
Other than that, it was a pretty standard wedding that featured Justin Bieber fans trying to scale the castle walls, Kanye giving a 45-minute toast to himself, John Legend playing a marble piano, and Andrea Bocelli signing and then being told to go home. Just like anyone else, really.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian’s Instagram