Brit Claire Leeson Spent $30K To Look Like Kim Kardashian

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 2:30 PM

Claire Louise Leeson Twitter Photo
These tortured souls who mutilate their bodies to look like famous celebrity whores seem really unclear on the basics of causality. Kim Kardashian isn’t famous because she has big tits and an ass, she’s famous because Ray J spackled her tits and ass on camera and then Kim’s mom sold the sex act to Vivid for the price of her daughter’s mortal soul. My cousin found out the hard way you can’t put on a Superman costume and suddenly fly. He broke both his legs as a kid jumping off a roof with such belief. It’s not the cape that makes you fly, you moron on my mom’s side. Nor is it the jelly rocks that make you famous and beloved, or, you know, routinely polled as the most despicable celebrity.

I was badly bullied at school and it took me two years to realise that I wasn’t [what the bullies were calling me]. I was told every day that I was the ‘ugliest thing alive’ and I should ‘kill myself’.

Claire Leeson on high school bullying that led her to start her Kim K. transformation.

That’s some pretty harsh bullying. Still, your full menu of options in response can’t be suicide or $30,000 worth of plastic surgery to look like Kim Kardashian. That’s really just one option. What ever happened to pouring acid on your tormentors to make them uglier than you? I guess this is what happens in England where angry high school outcasts can’t get their hands on guns. I can only imagine the epic levels of frustration and self-hate that went into this horrible decision.

Photo Credit: Claire Louise Leeson/Twitter

Kim Kardashian Is a Scientific Wonder

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 5:55 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Curves In A Tight Dress In New York
I can’t fathom the engineering science that goes into slamming Kim Kardashian into these tight dresses she keeps wearing. We ought to send some of those skilled girdle artisans down to New Orleans to fortify the levees. There’d be a great YouTube video in showing how all that flesh and skin rash is compacted into a sleek garment. I imagine one of Kim’s handlers pops it each evening and Kim whirls about the room like a balloon with the air spewing out. Kim’s going to love the Hamptons. The Hamptons will not love her back. She won’t give a shit.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kim Kardashian Goes Braless In The Hamptons

By Lex July 01, 2014 @ 10:25 AM

Kim Kardashian Goes Braless In The Hamptons

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Kim Kardashian’s Blond Hair Was Just a Wig, But Her Tits Are Still Real, Right?

By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 5:26 PM

Kim Kardashian Shows Off Her Cleavage Leaving Her Apartment In New York
Every time Kim Kardashian changes hairstyle, a collective sexual moan emanates from the E! offices down the street. It’s a very primal response for the minions living off her tits. When Kim changes hair color, Jesus, there hasn’t been such an audible bukkake since the last time Chelsea Handler was cruising executive row trying to launch her talk show. Kim shared a picture of herself with blond hair the other night and the Internet went crazy, especially Dubai IP addresses where bidding for a night lightly to moderately beating Kim climbed to 2 million barrels of oil. Alas, it turns out the new blond do was just a wig! ‘Oh, Fuck Me, Black Celebrity Jesus!’ screamed Kris Jenner who was halfway through bleaching her hair and merkin to match her daughter in her creepy stalker chameleon routine. Kim’s smallest decisions have big consequences for dumb people everywhere.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto, FameFlynet

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Out To Dinner With Kanye West In West Hollywood

By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 11:20 AM

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Out To Dinner With Kanye West In West Hollywood

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News

Hannah Kunkle’s Divine Visions of Kim Kardashian

By Lex June 20, 2014 @ 2:18 PM

Hannah Kunkle's Paintings Of Kim Kardashian As Religious Figures
Brooklyn art school graduate Hannah Kunkle was touched with a vision of Kim Kardashian. So she painted. And painted. And when she was done painting, she painted some more. Then she went to a hip little sandwich shop in Park Slope you’ve never heard of and when she returned home, there were her completed religious works of Kim Kardashian as Shiva, the Santeria, the Pieta, and a bunch of other VIPs of the earthly religions. Kunkle’s paintings were put on display at Brooklyn art gallery that had to put up something controversial so that more than Kunkle’s art school friends would show up. The result was a great stir among the local clergy, you know, once some reporter from the Daily News told them it existed than asked them leading questions about their feelings.

Father Michael Perry of Our Lady of Refuge Church in Flatbush called the show “dumb and stupid.”

That about sums it up. As for the artist Kunkle, she explained her profound work with a bit of her own millennial artist wisdom:

I’ve never got haters before. I love it.

It’s times like these I miss the Inquisition. They made some mistakes, but they flayed a lot of really annoying painters.

Photo Credit: Hannah Kunkle