One day, when she’s old enough to understand the difference between being a shameless attention-seeker and having some goddamned self-respect, baby North West is going to ask her mommy and daddy how they got famous. Kanye West will, of course, explain that he made really popular rap music that was average at best compared to some of his peers, but his overblown sense of ego helped him promote it as if he was the second, third and fourth comings of Christ and Tupac. Kim Kardashian, though, will probably say that she was a TV icon and fashion model and genius, because telling her first born daughter that she sucked a non-famous guy’s dick on a sex tape and posted a bunch of photos of her titties squeezed into her teenage sister’s bikini on Instagram might make the poor girl lose a little respect for her mom.
Kim Kardashian was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday but unfortunately no one was hurt. Kim was driving around Beverly Hills listening to the Yeezus album, because someone has to, when she went to turn left. A car that was also turning from oncoming traffic smashed into her Mercedes war machine and damaged the fender. The two drove to the nearby Beverly Hills hotel where they exchanged info and then hugged it out. Now that guy’s shirt has syphilis.
Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.
It’s hard to imagine what Kim Kardashian finds in common with a former stripper who’s got a bastard baby with a rapper, big fake tits, and butt implants. But Blac Chyna has been named Kim Kardashian’s official bestie, inheriting all the rank and responsibility that comes with the title. Mostly you just have to punch Kim in the uterus after sex with wealthy foreign industrialists so she is never filmed visiting an abortion clinic. Also, you have to carry the wart cream and binge eating money in your clutch. The two gentle flowers spent the afternoon in a private workout session with just a trainer and the barely noticeable six-man reality show film crew. If it doesn’t happen on camera for Kim, it doesn’t really happen. This includes meals, sex, marriages, divorces, paid dates, and whatever comes out of her ass after consuming nothing but diet powder and artificially sweetened chocolate fudge soda.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI
If you’re throwing a The AIDS party, you’ve just got to have Kim Kardashian. The kung-fu gripping porn star made her way back from hooking across the European continent in time to celebrate with a bunch of other girls who have no chance of ever showing off their tits on the actual Oscar stage. For kickers, Kim brought along her trainable sisters who completely unwittingly formed the shape of an HIV lentivirus, leading to the first smile of the evening from the guy from The AIDS Foundation who bites his tongue once a year at this party of nitwits so he can keep his funding.
Photo Credit: WENN
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:
It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.
I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:
She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.
A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.
Photo Credit: Splash