By Lex March 20, 2014 @ 12:46 PM
Kanye West announced he has a new song in the works just for his fair bride at their Big French Wedding in May. The working title is (Tap That) Sugar Bear Bitch or something similarly romantic. Just imagine Yeezus laying down righteous lyrics while Kris Jenner directs the E! cameramen to get POV on Kim pulling a train of uncircumcised French logger. I’m fucking misty.
Photo Credit: Splash, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 13, 2014 @ 12:32 PM
I just figured out where they buried Robert Kardashian after Kris wished him out of her way. Just look at that gargantuan ass beast in a Baby Huey sized adult diaper. You could fit several mid-sized Armenian corpses in that trunk. Kim Kardashian waddled her fat injected dumper through Miami yesterday to make some quick merchandising cash for the Kardashian clan who recently got calls from their Cayman Island bank that their piles of gold no longer reached all the way to the ceiling. We can’t have that. The perfect time for a new clothing store opening in Miami for emotionally unresolved young women to appropriate their father’s good money to look like a Kardashian. I’d be worried about the next generation if it weren’t for the fact that millions of young women who think they need to barter cheap sex to be loved isn’t really such a bad thing.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Travis March 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
One day, when she’s old enough to understand the difference between being a shameless attention-seeker and having some goddamned self-respect, baby North West is going to ask her mommy and daddy how they got famous. Kanye West will, of course, explain that he made really popular rap music that was average at best compared to some of his peers, but his overblown sense of ego helped him promote it as if he was the second, third and fourth comings of Christ and Tupac. Kim Kardashian, though, will probably say that she was a TV icon and fashion model and genius, because telling her first born daughter that she sucked a non-famous guy’s dick on a sex tape and posted a bunch of photos of her titties squeezed into her teenage sister’s bikini on Instagram might make the poor girl lose a little respect for her mom.
By Jack March 12, 2014 @ 1:40 PM
Kim Kardashian was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday but unfortunately no one was hurt. Kim was driving around Beverly Hills listening to the Yeezus album, because someone has to, when she went to turn left. A car that was also turning from oncoming traffic smashed into her Mercedes war machine and damaged the fender. The two drove to the nearby Beverly Hills hotel where they exchanged info and then hugged it out. Now that guy’s shirt has syphilis.
By Jack March 11, 2014 @ 2:26 PM
Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:33 PM
It’s hard to imagine what Kim Kardashian finds in common with a former stripper who’s got a bastard baby with a rapper, big fake tits, and butt implants. But Blac Chyna has been named Kim Kardashian’s official bestie, inheriting all the rank and responsibility that comes with the title. Mostly you just have to punch Kim in the uterus after sex with wealthy foreign industrialists so she is never filmed visiting an abortion clinic. Also, you have to carry the wart cream and binge eating money in your clutch. The two gentle flowers spent the afternoon in a private workout session with just a trainer and the barely noticeable six-man reality show film crew. If it doesn’t happen on camera for Kim, it doesn’t really happen. This includes meals, sex, marriages, divorces, paid dates, and whatever comes out of her ass after consuming nothing but diet powder and artificially sweetened chocolate fudge soda.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI