Kim Novak became the butt joke of the Oscars last night for looking like every single other woman in that audience is going to look sometime in the next three decades. For Goldie Hawn, about four more days. You might as well build a time machine and travel forward to mock your future senior self. Matthew McConaughey could join you in the machine and go visit his hero, the even more stoned self-involved version of himself. Sure, Kim Novak looks like Madame the Puppet without the tender dearly departed hand of Wayland Flowers up her ass. But who exactly is mocking her? John Travolta who’s genetically modified hair follicles Spidey tingle anytime a JV high school basketball team hits the showers within an eight block radius? Angelina Jolie who lopped off her breasts to even the playing field against future breast cancer? Bette Midler who God has cursed with looking like Bettle Midler. Kim Novak was a hot Polish chick from Chicago who made a cool movie 55 years ago. So, she wracked her face and she sounds like the chain smoking lady at the end of the horseshoe at an off-strip gambling parlor in Vegas. You know, the one who calls you by the city where she thinks you’re from. Leave this old lady alone. Or she’ll fucking haunt your dreams like a shrunken apple head dangling from a string above your bed for the rest of eternity.
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