03.17.2010 afternoon headlines

KENDRA - is gonna kill me because I was supposed to mention her St. Patricks Day contest sooner than this. So everyone go do this thing for Kendra. I guarantee (*) the winner gets to have sex with her. (*- these statements are not guaranteed)

GARY DOURDAN - used the things he learned on ‘CSI’ to have his girlfriend arrested after she assaulted him. If I were the cop I’d have a hard time taking this seriously. I’d bring him a cup of cocoa, and say, “aww honey, wha’ happened?” (ew)

AMY POEHLER AND WILL ARNETT - are having another child. This is one of the few couples who should have kids, because those two are both awesome. So they have my blessing. Hopefully this catches on because I’d really like to be put in charge of who lives and who dies. (us)

KIRSTIE ALLEY - went clomp clomp clomp and waddled over to Letterman yesterday to promote her new reality show about her diet and transformation from a fat tub of shit to a fat tub of shit dressed in clothes made for humans. (inf daily)

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Tags: amy poehler, headlines, kendra wilkinson, kirstie alley, will arnett |

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03.16.2010 kirstie alley and her new diet might be a scientology trick

Is the new diet company “Organic Liason”, the one fronted and partially owned by Kirstie Alley, actually just another secret Scientology fundraiser? Yes.

Next Story!

Or if you’re one of those nerds who likes reading, there’s this from the Hollywood Reporter. I only read like the first sentence because I’m not good with names. I’ll never remember all that. So even if I had read it it would be like I never did. So really, whats the point? That was a good story, wasn’t it?

Organic Liaison’s advisory board includes a prominent Scientologist named Michelle Seward. Seward is also the CEO of Protege Financial, a Scientology-based company.
The corporate office for Organic Liaison is in Clearwater, Fla. — headquarters, not coincidentally, of Scientology. Organic Liaison is in the same building in Clearwater as the World Institute of Scientology.
Another member of the advisory board, Thomas Lovejoy, has a long association with Scientology through its so-called “Artists for Human Rights.” That group includes noted sect members Kelly Preston and Anne Archer.
Also: Organic Liaison’s accountant is Saul Lipson, a highly placed Scientologist.

Scientology or not, Kirstie Alley obviously knows the secret to physical health, so I’m gonna do whatever she does. Although I may only do half. I don’t want to lose too much weight, too quickly. Ohh, I should take a bunch of pictures starting today to document my rocket ride to fitness!

10 photos in gallery >

Tags: kirstie alley, scientology |

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02.25.2010 i dont feel so good

For the past 10 years Kirstie Alley has been in a contest with Mad Cow Disease to see who could put away the most cattle. Because of this, her weight has fluctuated wildly, from 400 pounds all the way up to 402. But 2010 began a new diet and a new fitness regimen. The results so far have been amazing. On Twitter, she wrote…

YEEEHAA WOOHOO… LOST 6 POUNDS since Jan.1 Yay yay… so 6 pounds in 11 days… I’ll take it!!! FEELS GREAT to be ON TRACK… hear that ENQUIRER?

That probably just means she weighed herself after going to the bathroom, but whatever, because as bad as it is picturing her alone, now picture her having sex with Jamie Foxx. People.com says…

During an interview with Kirstie Alley, set to air Thursday on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the host brought up a May 2009 PEOPLE interview in which Alley revealed her affinity for actor Jamie Foxx.
“I haven’t been having sex,” Alley, 59, said at the time. “I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx. For real,” she said. “I’ve always had a bit of a thing for him.”
“Well, you know, that’s really great because we have a special relationship, but I don’t want a booty call,” Winfrey says of her friend, who magically appeared via closed-circuit TV – prompting screams from Alley.
“Kirstie … with Oprah’s permission, I’ll be your booty call,” Foxx, 42, tells her.

It’s hard not to notice that Foxx didn’t appear in person. If he was worried about her rubbing her stomachs and then pouncing on him, all he would have to do is step up onto a curb or something. She’d be helpless, trapped down there until help arrived.

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Tags: i dont feel so good, jaimee foxx, kirstie alley, oprah winfrey |

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08.13.2009 afternoon headlines

KIRSTIE ALLEY - has four years to live because of her binge eating and total lack of self control. She’s now 58 and over 250 pounds. The article is from the Enquirer, but put the quotes in a different order and you could rewrite it for Popular Science, bragging that even motionless tubs of shit can live to 62 in this modern age of wonders. (source = NE)

BRAD PITT - Will not be running for mayor of New Orleans, despite a grass-roots campaign asking him to. If he did, he says he’d be “running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform.” Whatever dude. Campaign with Angie in the Tomb Raider outfit and I’d vote for him as King of Earth. (source = star)

KAT VON D - Is in the German FHM this month showing off her hot little body. The tats are a bit much though. Too many faces. Too many unblinking eyes and motionless expressions starring at me while I do it to her. I would be like humping Terri Schiavo. (hq jump = here)

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Tags: brad pitt, headlines, Kat Von D, kirstie alley |

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05.22.2009 jamie foxx is disgusting

I don’t even wanna think about this so let’s just get to it. Extra and IMDb say…

Kirstie Alley has a thing for a leading Hollywood man: “I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx — for real,” Alley dished to People magazine. “I’ve always had a bit of thing for him” … Foxx admits Alley does meet his criteria of ideal women. He says, “I do like them thick (big)… (and) she is thick.”

Unless I could come back from the dead like Jesus I wouldn’t F this tub of shit even on a dare because I would very definitely kill myself from the shame afterwards. Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime because the very first place I checked (fame images) had pictures of her going to a restaurant. Although in this picture it appears she’s been locked out, no doubt justifiably. They also had pictures of her in her private zoo.

Kirstie has a variety of pets ranging from dogs, lemurs, and even sugar gliders.

I don’t know what the hell a sugar glider is but we both know Kirstie thought that was some kind of cookie when she ordered it. And she ate the first 15 just to make sure. Also I don’t think it’s called a “zoo” when someone this fat has one. I think it’s just called “the pantry”.

14 photos in gallery >

Tags: fug, jamie foxx, kirstie alley |

111 Comments

02.20.2008 kirstie alley is gonna be rich

Monday it was shockingly revealed that fitness icon Kirstie Alley would no longer be the lead spokesperson for the Jenny Craig Weight Loss program. Rumor was she wanted more money than Craig was willing to pay. But now it seems Alley has picked herself up off the frosting-stained floor and developed her own weight loss program. Now you too can look great, the Kirstie Alley Way! Yahoo says:

…the one-time "Fat Actress" isn't giving up on the weight loss industry. "After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson," Alley said in a statement posted on People Magazine's Web site Tuesday.
Alley, 57, told People that while her experience with Jenny Craig was "extraordinary," she wants "to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride."
Alley said she intends to develop her own weight-loss brand with plans to launch in 2009.

This idea is gonna make a billion dollars. I can't think of one thing wrong with it. Not one. Oh wait. Never mind. I just remembered this. By that, I mean, this. I haven't actually seen Kirsties diet plan yet, but I think we both know what it says. Step 1: take one lean chicken breast. Step 2: broil or grill chicken breast. Step 3: throw chicken in the trash Step 4: order pizza(s) Step 5: Eat Step 6: cry.

(thanks JD)