Monday it was shockingly revealed that fitness icon Kirstie Alley would no longer be the lead spokesperson for the Jenny Craig Weight Loss program. Rumor was she wanted more money than Craig was willing to pay. But now it seems Alley has picked herself up off the frosting-stained floor and developed her own weight loss program. Now you too can look great, the Kirstie Alley Way! Yahoo says:
…the one-time "Fat Actress" isn't giving up on the weight loss industry. "After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson," Alley said in a statement posted on People Magazine's Web site Tuesday.
Alley, 57, told People that while her experience with Jenny Craig was "extraordinary," she wants "to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride."
Alley said she intends to develop her own weight-loss brand with plans to launch in 2009.
This idea is gonna make a billion dollars. I can't think of one thing wrong with it. Not one. Oh wait. Never mind. I just remembered this. By that, I mean, this. I haven't actually seen Kirsties diet plan yet, but I think we both know what it says. Step 1: take one lean chicken breast. Step 2: broil or grill chicken breast. Step 3: throw chicken in the trash Step 4: order pizza(s) Step 5: Eat Step 6: cry.
(thanks JD)
The New York Post says today that Kirstie Alley will no longer be the lead spokeswoman for the weight loss program Jenny Craig. She will however continue to endorse dresses where the waist is made of elastic. Page Six says:
Jenny Craig spokesman Scott Parker says, "Although Kirstie will not appear in future advertising endeavors for us, she does remain on Jenny Craig's maintenance program and is confident that our program has helped her incorporate positive lifestyle changes that should last a lifetime.”
Kirstie will be succeeded by Valerie Bertinelli and rapper-turned-actress Queen Latifah.
"Now that Kirstie has 'passed her maintenance baton' to Valerie, you'll see a new campaign with a new celebrity client emerge in 2008… one that promotes health with Queen Latifah."
More like passed her "maintenance bacon" to Valerie. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but these are starting to look more like an ad for one of those humiliating motorized shopping carts than one for weight loss. Why not just hire a damn gummy bear or Twinkie The Kid.
Scientology was wise to make Kristie Alley one of the prominent faces of their fakey religion, because whenever you see her, you think to yourself, “I should do what Kristie Alley does”. She’s so sexy, I can barely even contain myself. Especially her hands. I think she may have discovered the fountain of youth. Here’s her secret, according to today’s Page Six:
Alley, listed as a founding member of Scientology’s “Super Power Expansion Project,” gushes about its Florida summit last summer: “I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of ‘mankind’ — it really irritated me!” Alley continues: “Then I realized why mankind upset me so much — it’s because I wasn’t taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I’ve made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I’m going to help this group and help this planet, and it’s real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this.”
When you’ve put on 800 pounds in the past ten years, you probably shouldn’t create a club called the “Super Power Expansion Project”. Yeah, we get it, you’re fat. When asked for a comment, the Amazing Eat A Box of Donuts Society and the Spectacular Disappearing Ham Foundation said they thought her club name just came off as bragging.
(and if you’re wondering what her sign says, it says this. all pictures courtesy of getty images)
Kirstie Alley really did wear a bikini on Oprah yesterday, and it was every bit as disturbing as that sounds. They say beauty's on the inside, but that's a damn lie. God she looks horrific, like someone shaved Bigfoot. I saw her thighs and thought maybe she was a Centaur. I think the entrance music was so loud so you wouldn't hear the cowbell around her neck. I maybe wouldn't normally make fun of her, but she's begging me too. This was her idea, not mine. Oprah said she looked beautiful. She might as well have said she could fly.
Kirstie Alley will appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show on Monday in a bikini, as a testament to her weight loss on the Jenny Craig diet plan. The show has its origins in an episode of Oprah almost exactly one year ago, when Alley was inspired by another guest who lost 70 pounds to become Miss Bikini America. Alley says:
“At my age, can you really turn your body into a bikini body without having surgery? This is an experiment … I’d like to prove to myself and maybe other women my age that there can still be good years ahead of us, maybe even the best."
If you laid me in a guillotine, and then threatened to kill me if I gave the wrong answer, then said "other than Kirstie Alley in a bikini, what's the last thing on earth you ever want to see", I would still probably blurt out Kirstie Alley in a bikini. Ignore the version you see in commercials. That version doesn't really exist. She's an absolute monster (seriously). This episode of Oprah should be renamed “Saw 4”. Honest to god, I'd rather watch baby kangaroos in a minefield than Kirstie Alley in a bikini. There's no way that could be any more haunting.
