By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 9:53 AM
Kris Jenner moisturized herself so heavily for her 59th birthday party she nearly phase changed into a liquid state. Imagine bottling that Maleficent ooze and selling it to jihadis looking for dark magic. The attractive black cougar cub Kris ordered online looked slightly less moist. However, when the reality camera crew lit up for shooting, Corey Gamble dropped his I-just-tasted-Kris-Jenner-pussy face and became the life of the party. Gamble began date raping Kris Jenner on the dance floor while she fake laughed so hard her robotic limbs almost detached. The producer yelled cut before Gamble got close enough to Kris’ crusty Lost hatch to merit a $1,750 hazard pay bump. Satan arrived late and asked for just a sliver of cake.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
Kris Jenner spent the first twenty years of her marriage cuckolding her second husband and the last two bitching about his unwillingness to ponytail penetrate her vaginaplastied shrew twat. The thought of having sex with an older woman doesn’t bother me at all. The thought of banging Kris Jenner even in the most hateful of ways makes me want to vomit the gum I swallowed in grade school. Somehow and for some amount of Bitcoin, Kris managed to secure a young guy who works for Justin Bieber’s management team to diddle her rancid bean.
Kris has a very strong sexual appetite and she says she’s basically been starving for sex Her sex life with Bruce died a long time ago, she’s had some hook-ups here and there but this is the first time that she’s been having regular sex in years and she can’t stop bragging about it.
There goes my fucking gum. Kris wanted to introduce her man to the girls and compare black guy penis stories so she rang the whore bell and everyone showed up for lunch in Beverly Hills. You’ll have to wait until next season’s KUWTK to know exactly how this relationship pans out. Or you can park high atop Calabasas and wait for the screams of ‘I pay you to finish on my melanoma, Toby!’ to waft across the hills.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt October 22, 2014 @ 6:30 AM
Kris Jenner posted a photo with Gordon Ramsay promoting her cookbook and Photoshopped the shit out her and Ramsay’s face. She now resembles a young Elvis Presley or teen mom on an episode of Intervention. She also did a once over sandpapering of Ramsay’s face. Unfortunately he posted the same photo of each hell demon looking properly haggard and broken (see below, if you dare, fucking Halloween spooky).
Kris’ cookbook is a collection of rich tasty foods that Kris cooks for Khloe and then puts in bowls just out of her daughter’s paws. Kris apparently finds that comforting, a little reminiscing to when the girls were young and she trained then with a stick and a whistle. If you ever see these two “chefs” in the same room pull the fire alarm. It’s a nightmarish of cuntiness so profound it may actually alter the DNA you pass on to your children.
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
The Dark Lord’s blistered minion officially ended her marriage to Bruce Jenner before he could complete his transformation into my long haul trucking Aunt Susan. Divorce is a somber, quarterly event in the Kardashian household. A spinster cousin plays an Armenian genocide requiem on the harp while everybody congregates in the living room and whispers mean things about Rob. Khloe is typically fitted with an invisible fence collar so she won’t eat all the Pepperidge Farms platters friends bring over to mourn the loss of another romantic business relationship. As with any divorce, your first thought is how will this affect the children. Since they’re already shamelessly ribald whores, the concern really goes out to the woman. Kris. Maybe a little Bruce. Kris has requested that she keep the jewelry and custodial rights to Kylie Jenner for one more year, which is like asking for the jewelry twice. It’s always sad whenever love dies. Or whatever the fuck this is.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 10, 2014 @ 3:08 PM
If Bruce Jenner wants to style his long hair and wear Spanx and nail polish and shave his various male points of distinction, fuck it, he won America a Gold Medal during a horrible gas crisis. We as a nation should collectively pick up a scalpel and give him the best damn vagina possible. We’re not licensed to practice, so maybe just pass around a collection plate to pay a Swedish doctor to give him a sweet as honey cunny.
Apparently Kris Jenner finds her future ex-husband’s feminine longings to be annoying and undeserved. She’s been mocking his hairdressing sessions and girdle wearing like she doesn’t understand gender identity disorder is a real thing for many aging former decathletes. Bruce, don’t hang your head. The wicked witch might think that lady parts are only good for sales and marketing, but we know they just make you feel complete. A woman who has used her vagina for so much destruction couldn’t possibly understand your pure intentions.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 08, 2014 @ 5:19 AM
Kris Jenner runs her ship like Michael Corleone. You go against the family and you’re out the 4th of July red white and blue family collage. It’s a fate worse than Fredo. His was a merciful death. Fat Rob Kardashian should be so lucky. He got fat on sizzurp and donuts and questioned the social legitimacy of his artificially shaped sisters. That means purgatory. There are no argyle socks in purgatory. And you have to live with your mom and listen to her slam her jack rabbit against her bean while screaming out ‘Fuck me, Number 32, and give me a baby’. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t choose one in the back of the head over that.