By Matt February 16, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Kris Jenner posted a photo of her crying grandchild North West understandably having a tantrum while waiting for her super straight dad’s suede booty fashion show to start. That’s fine. Tagging Beyonce and a host of other celebrities in the post could be pushing it. I feel we should allow children the decision to become useless assholes instead of having the decision thrust upon them. Like with Mormons or those guys who build fireplaces. It’s a low percentage but a few do opt out. Kendall Jenner pondered her fate and promptly dropped out of high school. She was at least sprouting pubes and the instantly gratifying decision was hers alone. This is a fucking baby. The New York Post ran with Kris Jenner’s objectification and plastered it on their front page because their editors are just as dead inside but more poor. When all is said and done you’re just helping the terrorists. I’m not a conspiracy nut but they grow poppies. Connect the dots.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack February 05, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Mother of whores Kris Jenner is telling inside sources that she was unaware that Bruce Jenner wanted to be a chick. She says that’s how bad the communication was or some shit. That is pretty bad when you don’t know that your husband wants to cut off his dick.
Read all about the extent of Kris’ denial. (TMZ)
Elsa Hosk in see-through underwear? Yes, please, and thank you. (Egotastic)
Mila Kunis is a big fan of her huge tits. Me too. (Huffington Post)
Want to see Kim K full frontal nude…again? (Drunken Stepfather)
Sandra Kubika in Valentine’s Day lingerie is the only gift I need. (Hollywood Tuna)
I would like to gnaw on Taylor Swift’s legs. (Popoholic)
Kaylee J. Lavigne and Saab Marty go splashy splashy in wet white t-shirts. (The Superficial)
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
Remember that time Kris Jenner announced she would shove a finger up Muhammad’s ass during sex because he was into that kinky shit? C’mon, ISIS, she’s right there in Paris. The aging succubus with see-through pants. Ready, aim, Allahu Akbar. We can look the other way. No unity rallies. The Times will order its staff to use the term ‘errant youth’ and establish a multicultural understanding fund. Fire.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews/Splash
By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:12 AM
There is one single spot left on this planet where Kris Jenner is roundly lauded by the public. Welcome to Paris. Homegrown jihadi terrorism and the pervasive smell of rotten apricots used to be the French capital’s two most off putting qualities. Until cheering crowds circled Kris Jenner shouting shit in French that basically translates to, I love you! Use my bidet to clean your acidic tinkle! For a short while we all had to pretend Paris was a sweet place beset by evil. But it’s not. It’s an evil place beset by evil. If Kris Jenner keeps dressing progressively younger, eventually we can abort her. I’ll make the Planned Parenthood contribution. You get the Hefty drawstrings. It’s our last best hope.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 8:45 AM
Things most commonly heard at a Kardashian Christmas Party. You slut. Followed by, I know, followed by, I’m so jealous, and finally, let’s finger each other’s buttholes then go kill mother. They giggle at the last remark because they know without a priest descended directly from St. Paul they are helpless to do the latter. A jaunty game of Scrabble inevitably ends in a scoreless tie proceeds the eggnog fight on the designer dresses which caps off the night. As the girls lay drugged in their woven basket beds on the kitchen floor, Santa approves a Paypal charge and gets twenty minutes to empty himself on the large one. Somewhere, Baby Jesus weeps, but nobody notices.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 9:44 AM
There are only two poses contextually relevant for the Kardashians. The kids naked with a rapper shlong in their bottoms and Mom feigning regret in a mugshot. Everything else is failed artistic interpretation. This disturbing Christmas vignette is an omen of what’s to come now that Lars Von Trier has decided not to be wicked fucked up when shooting his Nazi sex films. The minute any dude with a camera says ‘you and your mom are messed up reindeer dancing sexy in stockings’ you either need to show that freak to the door or negotiate a fat bag of cash. We could pretend the former was even ever considered.
Photo Credit: Doug Inglish @ Love Magazine