By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
Remember that time Kris Jenner announced she would shove a finger up Muhammad’s ass during sex because he was into that kinky shit? C’mon, ISIS, she’s right there in Paris. The aging succubus with see-through pants. Ready, aim, Allahu Akbar. We can look the other way. No unity rallies. The Times will order its staff to use the term ‘errant youth’ and establish a multicultural understanding fund. Fire.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews/Splash
By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:12 AM
There is one single spot left on this planet where Kris Jenner is roundly lauded by the public. Welcome to Paris. Homegrown jihadi terrorism and the pervasive smell of rotten apricots used to be the French capital’s two most off putting qualities. Until cheering crowds circled Kris Jenner shouting shit in French that basically translates to, I love you! Use my bidet to clean your acidic tinkle! For a short while we all had to pretend Paris was a sweet place beset by evil. But it’s not. It’s an evil place beset by evil. If Kris Jenner keeps dressing progressively younger, eventually we can abort her. I’ll make the Planned Parenthood contribution. You get the Hefty drawstrings. It’s our last best hope.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 8:45 AM
Things most commonly heard at a Kardashian Christmas Party. You slut. Followed by, I know, followed by, I’m so jealous, and finally, let’s finger each other’s buttholes then go kill mother. They giggle at the last remark because they know without a priest descended directly from St. Paul they are helpless to do the latter. A jaunty game of Scrabble inevitably ends in a scoreless tie proceeds the eggnog fight on the designer dresses which caps off the night. As the girls lay drugged in their woven basket beds on the kitchen floor, Santa approves a Paypal charge and gets twenty minutes to empty himself on the large one. Somewhere, Baby Jesus weeps, but nobody notices.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 9:44 AM
There are only two poses contextually relevant for the Kardashians. The kids naked with a rapper shlong in their bottoms and Mom feigning regret in a mugshot. Everything else is failed artistic interpretation. This disturbing Christmas vignette is an omen of what’s to come now that Lars Von Trier has decided not to be wicked fucked up when shooting his Nazi sex films. The minute any dude with a camera says ‘you and your mom are messed up reindeer dancing sexy in stockings’ you either need to show that freak to the door or negotiate a fat bag of cash. We could pretend the former was even ever considered.
Photo Credit: Doug Inglish @ Love Magazine
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 11:50 AM
All the big names in Hollywood whose names I couldn’t remember showed up to see Lance Bass shatter the stigma of same sex marriage that people stopped caring about at least five years ago. The former ‘N Sync member married that other dude in the photo who looked like at least sixty-percent of his brain was rooting for a North Korean nuclear assault before he was asked if he promised to love, honor, and cover Lance Bass’s defaulted credit lines to death do they part. I’ll figure out his name before they announce they are separating as great friends nine months from now or whenever their reality show doesn’t get picked up for renewal. I’m glad that we live in a world where nobody can give a shit about another gay wedding. I’m less glad that nobody told Lance Bass.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 9:53 AM
Kris Jenner moisturized herself so heavily for her 59th birthday party she nearly phase changed into a liquid state. Imagine bottling that Maleficent ooze and selling it to jihadis looking for dark magic. The attractive black cougar cub Kris ordered online looked slightly less moist. However, when the reality camera crew lit up for shooting, Corey Gamble dropped his I-just-tasted-Kris-Jenner-pussy face and became the life of the party. Gamble began date raping Kris Jenner on the dance floor while she fake laughed so hard her robotic limbs almost detached. The producer yelled cut before Gamble got close enough to Kris’ crusty Lost hatch to merit a $1,750 hazard pay bump. Satan arrived late and asked for just a sliver of cake.
Photo Credit: Splash