Rob Kardashian Deconstructed

By Lex March 24, 2015 @ 8:58 AM

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The Kardashian whore machine is floating a few trial balloons as reasons why Rob Kardashian referred to his sister Kim on Twitter as a lying manipulative murderous bitch. According to sources that are almost certainly Kris Jenner’s media team, Rob Kardashian is just a silly prankster who loves practical jokes. Funny gags like eating disorders, depression, ditching his sister’s wedding, punching women, and cutting sock patterns in the dark basement at night next to the sarcophagus chambering his real dad’s cadaver. Classic knee-slappers.

It’s just him… He always posts things he thinks are funny and deletes and unfollows people… He’s so bizarre, he posts and deletes and thinks people aren’t going to notice.

Like guys with 5 million followers and tons of social media training often do. Forget how Twitter works. Another theory thrown out there by the team is that Rob is very frustrated with his weight and lack of motivation to get into ass fuck shape like his sisters:

He just doesn’t seem to care right now. He’s not motivated. He seems really sad about his weight, but he also isn’t trying to do anything about it.

Consider that a butterball warning shot from Mom, dipshit. She’s a ruthless succubus but she is all that stands between you and a face off with the midget plum hole sister you just outed as a murderous psychopath. You won’t win that fight. Now get back  in the basement and knit us some more socks. You Tweet that shit again, you’ll only need to make left ones for yourself.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Kris Jenner Scores 100 Million Whore Points

By Lex March 02, 2015 @ 12:28 PM

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I’m not sure what $100 million U.S. is in haggard vagina dollars, but it’s probably still a lot. Kris Jenner nailed down a fat Comcast contract for herself and her sexually active ducklings to keep making their show on E!, inclusive of TV spin-offs, digital projects, and aerosolizing toxins from the top of tall towers to retard a next generation of viewers. It’s moments like these when I think of every single letter ever received about not giving the Kardashians any press so they might go away.

The E! deal includes the services of Kris Jenner, her five whorelets, plus that dude who gets loaded and fucks babies into the shortest one. Jenner rakes ten percent of everybody else’s fees, on top of her own appearance dollars, so expect her to stow about $15 million into her own ocean floor bottom safe. Bruce Jenner isn’t part of the new contract since he’s selling his cock lopping under his own imprint. This is one expensive fucked up human circus and a prime example of what happens when a network can’t come up with a single second idea in eight years. Expect your Comcast cable rates to double in the next four years. Consider it penance for every time you ever nailed a girl with a double digit IQ.

Put The Needle In Her Arm Already

By Matt February 16, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

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Kris Jenner posted a photo of her crying grandchild North West understandably having a tantrum while waiting for her super straight dad’s suede booty fashion show to start. That’s fine. Tagging Beyonce and a host of other celebrities in the post could be pushing it. I feel we should allow children the decision to become useless assholes instead of having the decision thrust upon them. Like with Mormons or those guys who build fireplaces. It’s a low percentage but a few do opt out. Kendall Jenner pondered her fate and promptly dropped out of high school. She was at least sprouting pubes and the instantly gratifying decision was hers alone. This is a fucking baby. The New York Post ran with Kris Jenner’s objectification and plastered it on their front page because their editors are just as dead inside but more poor. When all is said and done you’re just helping the terrorists. I’m not a conspiracy nut but they grow poppies. Connect the dots.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kris Didn’t Know Bruce Wanted To Be A Chick And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 05, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Mother of whores Kris Jenner is telling inside sources that she was unaware that Bruce Jenner wanted to be a chick. She says that’s how bad the communication was or some shit. That is pretty bad when you don’t know that your husband wants to cut off his dick.

Read all about the extent of Kris’ denial. (TMZ)

Elsa Hosk in see-through underwear? Yes, please, and thank you. (Egotastic)

Mila Kunis is a big fan of her huge tits. Me too. (Huffington Post)

Want to see Kim K full frontal nude…again? (Drunken Stepfather)

Sandra Kubika in Valentine’s Day lingerie is the only gift I need. (Hollywood Tuna)

I would like to gnaw on Taylor Swift’s legs. (Popoholic)

Kaylee J. Lavigne and Saab Marty go splashy splashy in wet white t-shirts. (The Superficial)

Kris Jenner Isn’t Really Wearing Pants

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:33 AM

Kris Jenner Wears See Through Pants While Shopping At Yves Saint Laurent In Paris
Remember that time Kris Jenner announced she would shove a finger up Muhammad’s ass during sex because he was into that kinky shit? C’mon, ISIS, she’s right there in Paris. The aging succubus with see-through pants. Ready, aim, Allahu Akbar. We can look the other way. No unity rallies. The Times will order its staff to use the term ‘errant youth’ and establish a multicultural understanding fund. Fire.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews/Splash

Kris Jenner the Toast of Paris

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Kris Jenner Wears Leather In Paris
There is one single spot left on this planet where Kris Jenner is roundly lauded by the public. Welcome to Paris. Homegrown jihadi terrorism and the pervasive smell of rotten apricots used to be the French capital’s two most off putting qualities. Until cheering crowds circled Kris Jenner shouting shit in French that basically translates to, I love you! Use my bidet to clean your acidic tinkle! For a short while we all had to pretend Paris was a sweet place beset by evil. But it’s not. It’s an evil place beset by evil. If Kris Jenner keeps dressing progressively younger, eventually we can abort her. I’ll make the Planned Parenthood contribution. You get the Hefty drawstrings. It’s our last best hope.

Photo Credit: INF