By Lex February 28, 2014 @ 2:40 PM
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:
It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.
I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:
She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.
A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis January 08, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Because she’ll always be a teenage girl at heart, Kris Jenner posted a Flipagram of her favorite pictures to her Instagram yesterday, and if you’re not sure what a Flipagram is, it’s basically an automatic slideshow with music that can induce seizures if executed properly. The first photo in Kris’s gallery was the one above that reveals her posing in a bikini at the pool, and if guys weren’t popping boners all over the world to get a piece of this single 58-year old ass, then they’ll be fighting each other to death soon enough.
On a related note, I bet her legs make sounds like old medieval dungeon doors when she opens and closes them.
By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!
By Jack November 07, 2013 @ 1:13 PM
Family brothel operator Kris Jenner opened up to Joan Rivers about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape on the In Bed With Joan web show. Crypt Keeper Joan Rivers asked Kris how it felt to see her little girl get fucked and pissed on by Ray J. Not good apparently. Kris says she “fell apart” when the sex tape went public:
“I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think anything can prepare you for something like that when it comes to your daughter. I had to go into a room and cry for a couple days and say, ‘okay, pull yourself to–fucking–gether because you have to be here for all these kids and your family, and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.’”
Um, bullshit. It’s long been rumored that the of making a sex tape or the releasing of the sex tape was all Kris Jenner’s idea. As Kim’s manager she figured it was an easy way to launch the talentless whorebag to stardom. The sad thing is that she was right. If the world hadn’t seen that tape then no one would give a shit about who Kris Jenner or Kim Kardashian are. The day man invents a time machine, I expect erasing that moment in history to be one of the first tasks we all agree has to get done first.
By Travis October 11, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
While Lamar Odom’s crack smoke hasn’t even dissipated yet, Kris Jenner is rumored to be hard at work in finding a new boyfriend for Khloe Kardashian, who isn’t divorced, but who the fuck cares when there’s cash and ratings to be earned? According to In Touch, Kris has been trying to set Khloe up with rapper Drake because she thinks the daughter she probably had with someone who isn’t Robert Kardashian finally deserves someone who isn’t a jerk. Meanwhile, Kris herself will probably soon be looking for a new boyfriend now that she and Bruce Jenner have split, and I’ve got my fingers crossed for Chris Brown’s dad or a bunch of starving sharks.
(Photo Credit: Kris Jenner’s Instagram)
By Lex October 09, 2013 @ 1:47 PM
Yesterday’s bullshit denial of Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner splitting up didn’t last to long. The gender bending couple emerged this morning with a confirmation to their benefactor E! Channel that they have decided what their genitals already did years ago, they can’t stand to be around each other any more.
“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”
The old Soviet Union broke up with more honesty than encapsulated in that statement. At some point, it will get nasty again when money issues start being settled. The price to enter Kris’ demonic vagina is your soul; the cost to exit is even higher. Just ask her last husband. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.