Kris Jenner runs her ship like Michael Corleone. You go against the family and you’re out the 4th of July red white and blue family collage. It’s a fate worse than Fredo. His was a merciful death. Fat Rob Kardashian should be so lucky. He got fat on sizzurp and donuts and questioned the social legitimacy of his artificially shaped sisters. That means purgatory. There are no argyle socks in purgatory. And you have to live with your mom and listen to her slam her jack rabbit against her bean while screaming out ‘Fuck me, Number 32, and give me a baby’. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t choose one in the back of the head over that.
Kris Jenner runs her bitches like a level five master pimp. Say what you want about the conniving succubus, she gives the audience what they want. For some of her kids, that’s sex scandal. For others, it’s designer socks and fat boy tears. And for her master project, the mannequin that is Kendall Jenner, it’s titties. Not that Kendall’s yabbos measure up to some of the lipid absorbing members of the family. She did get Jenner titties. I don’t mean the ones Bruce is currently installing, I mean, genetically speaking.
She has like, the perfect body, especially one that wants to be in the modeling business. I don’t know, I got a lot of curves and I couldn’t pull that off. But she always looks remarkable — Kris Jenner on HuffPost Live
That’s the emblematic Kris Jenner quote. It self-references her own obviously hot body and also talks about her daughter like a pillar of shawarma at a Cairo bazaar. It’s almost quilted pillow worthy.
Playboy magazine has been sniffing around Kendall for a potential centerfold spread, as well as a number of sheiks from the United Arab Emirates for whom finishing on a Kardashian earns you a thousand generations of genuflecting from your rival clan. I think it’s fair to say that Kendall has a price. And that price is mom not having to bring out the metal wire hangers because you thought ‘no’ was an option.
This weekend I had the privilege to watch a butcher at an international market carve up pork uterus into easy home cooking portions. Now I can forever more say shit like, yeah, that’s horrible, but not as bad as watching a guy slice up a pig’s uterus. Like this photo of Jaden Smith in the white batman costume he felt compelled to wear to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. It’s unclear why Jaden likes to be seen in public in trainable superhero costumes, the most important thing is that his parents allow his wild rumpuses to continue so as not to stunt his budding genius. Will Smith’s developmentally challenged son in the Kim and Kanye wedding photo booth isn’t so horrible. Even inviting in his fellow crystal cult member and platonic underaged sexual experimentation buddy Kylie Jenner isn’t all that horrible. But Joe Francis squeezing into the picture. That’s fucking pig uterus.
Photo Credit: Instagram
Kim Kardashian gathered up her sisters and half-sisters, some of her BFFs, and a half dozen or so of her entourage and handlers to make her Parisian bachelorette dinner look robust and happy. It was like the Last Supper of fame whores. Kim isn’t about to be nailed to the cross, but she is about to be nailed by her new husband, which has to be daunting for any woman who has held her maidenhead so sacrosanct for her new life partner. What will sex be like? Will I feel like a woman? Will I flinch when he poops on my face and tells me to eat it, bitch? If only Kim had a mom to talk to who had also been married multiple times and slept around with black celebrities like she was going for a Guinness Record.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash
Kris Jenner called into an Australian morning radio talk show to update the continent on just about everything that’s going on in her family’s life, because there aren’t enough Kardashian shows on TV right now, and Australians will literally die if they don’t know what’s going on with Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. Among many stupid things, the hosts asked Kris if her ex-husband, Bruce Jenner, is actually getting a sex change and she denied it, because sometimes a guy just has to get his throat shaved. But the good news in this is that they asked her if she’d consider posing for Playboy now that she’s single and releasing “sexy” photos of herself in bikinis, and she said that she’s not because, “I don’t think anyone wants to see me without any clothes on.” Of course, she could have just stopped at “me,” but it’s nice that she’s at least ruling out the worst idea of all.