By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!
By Jack November 07, 2013 @ 1:13 PM
Family brothel operator Kris Jenner opened up to Joan Rivers about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape on the In Bed With Joan web show. Crypt Keeper Joan Rivers asked Kris how it felt to see her little girl get fucked and pissed on by Ray J. Not good apparently. Kris says she “fell apart” when the sex tape went public:
“I cried myself to sleep. I don’t think anything can prepare you for something like that when it comes to your daughter. I had to go into a room and cry for a couple days and say, ‘okay, pull yourself to–fucking–gether because you have to be here for all these kids and your family, and you have to show them as an example how to get through this.’”
Um, bullshit. It’s long been rumored that the of making a sex tape or the releasing of the sex tape was all Kris Jenner’s idea. As Kim’s manager she figured it was an easy way to launch the talentless whorebag to stardom. The sad thing is that she was right. If the world hadn’t seen that tape then no one would give a shit about who Kris Jenner or Kim Kardashian are. The day man invents a time machine, I expect erasing that moment in history to be one of the first tasks we all agree has to get done first.
By Travis October 11, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
While Lamar Odom’s crack smoke hasn’t even dissipated yet, Kris Jenner is rumored to be hard at work in finding a new boyfriend for Khloe Kardashian, who isn’t divorced, but who the fuck cares when there’s cash and ratings to be earned? According to In Touch, Kris has been trying to set Khloe up with rapper Drake because she thinks the daughter she probably had with someone who isn’t Robert Kardashian finally deserves someone who isn’t a jerk. Meanwhile, Kris herself will probably soon be looking for a new boyfriend now that she and Bruce Jenner have split, and I’ve got my fingers crossed for Chris Brown’s dad or a bunch of starving sharks.
(Photo Credit: Kris Jenner’s Instagram)
By Lex October 09, 2013 @ 1:47 PM
Yesterday’s bullshit denial of Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner splitting up didn’t last to long. The gender bending couple emerged this morning with a confirmation to their benefactor E! Channel that they have decided what their genitals already did years ago, they can’t stand to be around each other any more.
“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”
The old Soviet Union broke up with more honesty than encapsulated in that statement. At some point, it will get nasty again when money issues start being settled. The price to enter Kris’ demonic vagina is your soul; the cost to exit is even higher. Just ask her last husband. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
By Lex October 08, 2013 @ 11:37 AM
Brody Jenner had some free time on his hands seeing as how The Hills wrapped up six years ago, so he gave an interview to a British tabloid where he confirmed that his tranny dad Bruce Jenner was living full time in a Malibu rental, separate and apart from Kris Jenner. But, don’t read anything into that.
“I stay out of their business, but as far as I’m concerned, they haven’t split up. Dad’s been in Malibu – he grew up out here – and the press has made a big deal of it. It’s nothing to do with them breaking up.”
Brody is right. The press has jumped the gun again. In marriages between an older man turning himself into a woman and a scheming shrew that the husband hates with all his girlish guts, it’s not uncommon for couples to live apart. However, Kris’ sister, Some Other Whore, had said last week that Bruce had already consulted a divorce attorney. She claims that Bruce would hold off filing papers until the Keeping Up With the Kardashians show contract ended in 2015 so that the comatose and girls who struggle with math who comprise the KUWTK audience could continue to enjoy the engineered reality of the intact Kardashian family. I normally don’t condone lies and deceit, but these two obviously have noble intentions.
By Jack October 07, 2013 @ 2:27 PM
Mother of the year Kris Jenner says that Kanye West is a great baby daddy to her sex star daughter. In an interview on the gaynoxious Hello Ross show, Jenner described what a loving and wonderful person Kanye is. I’m not sure if she knows a different Kanye because the guy she’s talking about doesn’t sound like the egomaniacal butthole we all know and despise. Jenner says,
“I love him so much and he’s such an amazing boyfriend to Kim and a great dad and a wonderful person.”
Really? Reaaalllllyy? I sort of don’t believe any of that. Though I kind of believe that Kris Jenner believes it. Especially if she’s talking about his earning potential, which I always assume she is when talking about anybody, including her own children. At some point, Kanye will find Kris slithering into his bed late at night. I hope he handles it better than Lamar. Don’t plead, that only excites her.