Nicole Brown Simpson’s name has come up again in the news as FX continues to promote the shit out of the OJ trial movie they made because absolutely nobody had any better ideas. When Nicole’s name comes up, you can either say, man, that sucks how she got her head cut off by that crazy fucker O.J., or you can delve into how her murder was kind of all about you.
Kris Jenner pushed herself into People magazine for an interview ostensibly about Nicole that quickly turned into a wonder of me testimonial. Jenner remembers her dear friend Nicole helping Jenner through her miscarriage and even giving her all of her designer maternity wear because she was so certain Jenner would spawn again. Quite a gamble given her new husband was already undergoing early hormonal treatments on the down low to become a woman.
I was pregnant with Kendall during the [murder] trial. I actually wore the clothes to trial. That kind of gave me this crazy strength.
One day I’ll hopefully be able to say to God, ‘Why did you take her so young?’ But [until then], it gives me great comfort to say my prayers and talk to her. I loved my friend really hard.
And she loved you back. Even as you were fucking her NFL running back husband in the bushes to make Khloe. She doesn’t remember you that well. Just how much you loved black dudes and feeling special a few minutes at a time. Now, give back the maternity clothes before she uses her angelic powers to make your next generation of offspring retarded as well.
Maria Shriver seems like a nice enough person who lives in one wicked epoxied socialite bubble. It’s that old money thing where you care desperately for the less fortunate primarily as an intellectual process. You miss a lot of the nuance. Like how your horny HGH husband with the clown hair you no longer fuck is not going to bang a baby into the maid because he goes to church on Sundays. Or how Kris Jenner may engender ill feelings among real working moms when you tout her as a working mom with wisdom during one of your seminars for well-off women looking for shit to do on the weekends.
Shriver runs a series of talks called Architects of Change: The Conversation Series: Opening Hearts and Minds. Tons of secondary titling is a quick tipoff that something super boring is about to happen. Shriver announced a joint initiative wherein Kris Jenner will be holding workshops for struggling working women on how to use the domestic skills they already possess to improve their livelihoods. Jenner claims her own success in business came from seeing what talents she had in the home and applying them to an entrepreneurial venture. Like seeing her young daughters changing in their room with the shades up while neighbor boys masturbated outside. Bingo. We’re going to need a plastic surgeon and a money counter. Also, like a half dozen black dudes.
Shriver gushed on social media about her Kris Jenner session only to discover that most people outside her Westside bio-dome don’t believe Kris Jenner is a role model for anything but turning a dime on your daughters’ twats. She’s a master pimp, but that’s still a pimp. Tons of Shriver’s long time fans emphasized their disappointment. We expected more from an Architects of Change Conversation Series. Like never having to know it existed. You’re both worth in excess of a hundred million. Write a fucking check, you cheapskates.
Kris Jenner, the mother of literally all whores, is turning 60 and the Kardashian Klan is going all out. They are spending 2 million dollars to celebrate the fetid maw of a vagina that they all fell out of. The African-American people should sue Kris Jenner’s vagina for the spike in STD cases in their community but we all know black people can’t win in court.
Kris Jenner brought out her sex mannequin daughter and her friend from Guam trying to be an immigrated harder whore to remind everybody that her posse rolls hard, big, and will do anal for Bitcoin. Kris Jenner was being celebrated for her new cover of Haute Living magazine, which is apparently a magazine in English published somewhere. Jenner is the opposite of that mom who fights with her teen daughter over dressing inappropriately. If you’re not showing camel toe, you’re not coming. I didn’t buy you tits to cover them up. People no longer want to fuck me, stand close and maybe they’ll get confused. Haute Living starts and ends with using sex to sell. Happy National Women’s Equality Day.
Every male member of the Kardashian family deals with the stress of being emasculated by the coven of shrill she-demons in their own self-destructive manner. Lamar Odom holed up in a motel smoking crack with Vietnamese twinks. Bruce Jenner chose to lop off his dick. Rob Kardashian is binge eating. The family decided the chunky scion should no longer be featured on the mothership show designing socks or trying to spell the latin name of his sisters’ STDs. Instead they just talk about how fat and stupid he is behind his back. The producers at E! have staged a storyline where Kris Jenner pretends to have true human concerns for her son’s physical and mental well-bring with breaking news reports of Rob ordering food at In & Out Burger and refusing to purge. She cries and worries about how her son might die, or worse, have $100,000 worth of surgery to become Rebel Wilson. This is all a windup to Rob hanging from a 101-freeway sign with the words I Was Never One of You painted in Nutella on the gut of his lifeless body. Sweeps week. Check the freeway signpost ladder for fingerprints. Then cross check against those lifted off Marcus Allen’s cock in the late 80′s. I guarantee you he didn’t go up there alone.
If you’re wondering why Vagina Dad’s girl children were not available to appear on the Diane Sawyer interview, it’s because they were holding back on an E! two night special of their own documenting their own reactions to Jenner’s gender bending announcement. There are emotions and then there are emotions you can turn into dollars on a cable net that has you and Sex and the City reruns to its name.
NBC Universal which claims about 90% of shitty content on the air at any given time, worked the upcoming E! Special into a top line promo campaign on Good Morning America showing clips of Jenner and Kardashian girls effusively expressing their love for Bruce. Also, Kim talking about how feminine Bruce’s polished toenails are. I think, I vomited half way through. In one touching scene, Kris Jenner forces water out of one of her fabricated eye slits pretending she just found out her husband of twenty years was a tranny. I might feel just a little bad when Rob the Redeemer locks all the doors and torches the family home. Please let the pets out first.