Kris Jenner called into an Australian morning radio talk show to update the continent on just about everything that’s going on in her family’s life, because there aren’t enough Kardashian shows on TV right now, and Australians will literally die if they don’t know what’s going on with Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. Among many stupid things, the hosts asked Kris if her ex-husband, Bruce Jenner, is actually getting a sex change and she denied it, because sometimes a guy just has to get his throat shaved. But the good news in this is that they asked her if she’d consider posing for Playboy now that she’s single and releasing “sexy” photos of herself in bikinis, and she said that she’s not because, “I don’t think anyone wants to see me without any clothes on.” Of course, she could have just stopped at “me,” but it’s nice that she’s at least ruling out the worst idea of all.
The stench inside Kris Jenner’s desperately sweaty leather pants can produce burning eyes and skin irritations in a radius up to fifty miles depending on prevailing winds Rumor has it that Kris and Bruce Jenner battled for years over who could look more like a 30-year old woman. Surgeries, injections, the ritualistic sacrifice of Javan newborns before their sixth hour, everything was on the table. Now that Kris and Bruce are no longer sharing an epilady, the measures to stay young have only increased. Including those fucking leather pants Kris Jenner sports for both youthful appearance and to preserve her skin when men toss her out of their still moving cars after deals have been consummated in the Kardashian manner. Tuck and roll, you sweaty plasticine pimp. The factory is running out of noses.
Photo Credit: Fameflynet
Kardashian matriarch and all around horrible person Kris Jenner is being stalked and extorted over a possible sex tape. It seems like some creeper claims he has a sex tape of the reality “star” and is threatening to release it if she doesn’t pay up. The guy is persistent too. Sources say that,
“He called Kris more than one hundred times in the last seven days, from more than 100 different phone numbers. He uses scrambled cell numbers. The man has been demanding money from Kris. If he’s not paid, he claims, he’ll release the tape.”
The guy is also apparently stalking her around the city. What does she care if he releases a sex tape? It’s a Kardashian family tradition that has literally earned them hundreds of millions of dollars. Kris only gets ten percent of that fortune and whatever else she’s stealing from her uneducated kids by way of accounting tricks. This could be her big break to get the personal fame she’s always craved. I just wonder who is sticking his dick in the old crone in the video? Is it her estranged trans woman husband Bruce Jenner? O.J. on a conjugal? Some random hookup? I’d probably watch just to hear her scream out ‘Oh, yes, I can play Khloe or Kim or even underaged Kylie. Just cum in my face and make me live forever!’. That’s more of an educated guess.
Kim Kardashian has to be the world’s most disappointing hooker. She’s the classic underachiever, a high draft pick that simply doesn’t pan out in the world of whoredom. Kim accepted $500,000 for a date night with Richard Lugner, the Austrian billionaire who has previously paid the same silly sum for Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton to be his date to the annual Vienna Opera Ball. Maybe the geezer gets a dry handy at the end of the evening for his half mill, but mostly your job is just to look good and make everybody falsely laud him as a winner. But Kim doesn’t play the conversationalist hooker role well. Either you’re shtupping her in her oddly chosen German Iron Cross dress or she’s going home. Kim’s high-paying John complained that Kim took off the minute Kris Jenner verfieid the gold coins with her teeth. According to Lugner, the Kardashians snuck away to go film their reality show around the country. Double down on the pay train. Kim’s insisting that she left early only because a black-faced Austrian mimer came and taunted her about banging Kanye West. A ‘source close to Kim’, which is obviously her mother or the publicist, blames the black-faced insulter on Lugner himself:
It was a guy hired by the creepy old man. Lugner was also trying to get her alone and making crude comments.
I believe their evidence for this claim is being held in a metal container in Khloe’s third stomach should it ever need to be revealed in trial at The Hague. The unidentified source, still Kris Jenner, went on to point out that regardless of why things turned crappy, Kim had already earned her check:
She went along with her contractual obligation. She was a complete professional.
A professional what? Not a professional escort because for five-hundred thousand you don’t get to call it an early evening and go get schnitzel with your mom. That’s not a joke, that’s what they did. Maybe that blackface thing happened, maybe it didn’t. A professional escort would put aside her personal sensibilities on Teutonic racism and make her date happy. But I suppose Kris meant professional grifter. In which case, job well done.
Photo Credit: Splash
Because she’ll always be a teenage girl at heart, Kris Jenner posted a Flipagram of her favorite pictures to her Instagram yesterday, and if you’re not sure what a Flipagram is, it’s basically an automatic slideshow with music that can induce seizures if executed properly. The first photo in Kris’s gallery was the one above that reveals her posing in a bikini at the pool, and if guys weren’t popping boners all over the world to get a piece of this single 58-year old ass, then they’ll be fighting each other to death soon enough.
On a related note, I bet her legs make sounds like old medieval dungeon doors when she opens and closes them.
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!