By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 4:23 PM
I don’t know who else is in here. Damn, I want to be Photoshopped like Minnie Driver. I could be a god. You can’t even see her brown tooth or that plate of St. Louis style ribs she ate in ’98 that stuck around her hips. Sorry, Minnie, please don’t quit Twitter again. There’s Channing Tatum’s wife. She looks good. Let’s be honest, we all thought he was gay. Nia Long, she’s in all those movies I don’t go to see because I’m too white, but she’s good looking even without the airbrushing. I saw her once at Whole Foods buying produce. I was buying those muffins that go bad in twenty minutes just like when muffins were awesome back in the 19th century and everybody died by forty. Kristen Bell. Hmm, her boobs got bigger. Must be God’s way of thanking her for doing so many profoundly good deeds. This Allure magazine is really the bomb. It’s like Maxim, but with good looking celebrities.
Photo Credit: Allure
By Lex March 25, 2014 @ 3:26 PM
Some people might say that a Hollywood actress who pays a fat woman to wipe sand off her belly might be out of touch with the common folk. But Kristen Bell and her consecrated vegan life traveler baby daddy have made it their mission to school people on the virtuous life. The pair have sacrificed their own happiness for minutes at a time so that others might take unto their teachings. Before Kristen and Dax, people dismissed the rights of the gays and slaughtered animals for consumption and ripped limbs from trees just to build shelter. Can anyone even remember what life was like back then? In her latest Custer stand, Kristen Bell has declared that rich people should pay even proportionally higher taxes. She signed her Tweet, ‘hugs and kiss, a rich person’ probably thinking it would be ironic, as opposed to, you know, imbecilic and cloying. I bet the Laotian indentured girls she pays four nickels an hour to clean the dead skin off her toes thought it was hilarious.
Naturally, many people fired back with the accurate, but cliched response that if she’s so rich and willing, she could go ahead cut an extra tax check to Uncle Sam any time she wanted. That would make the world better, because that’s what government does with your money, makes the world better. If only these respondents knew how Kristen and Dax simultaneously orgasm at the thought of being in a social policy debate as if their craniums contain more than personal opinion and politically correct hashtags gleaned over herbal tea at Le Pain Quotidien. Maybe then they would just ignore Kristen and her reflexive sycophant army. Or maybe smart Indian scientists at Google will invent a way for people to physically punch annoying people through the Internet. That second idea would be far more fun and lasting.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 13, 2014 @ 2:01 PM
I prefer to see Kristen Bell without Dax Shepherd. He makes me feel uncomfortable, like he’s with a woman too good for him and we all know it. I also don’t want a dude around when his wife is flashing her panties to hawk her merch. That’s an intimate moment between buyer and sell that the presence of a surly husband can easily ruin. They may not actually be married, I can’t remember all the self-important fuss they made over not getting married until the gays were allowed to marry. Also, they weren’t going to eat meat until fish learned how to come onto dry land and hunt bison or some shit like that. Still, they’re a couple and I’m glad Dax was left at home. You never want that tap on the shoulder with some guy asking why you’re checking out his politically correct wife’s panties. Also, he might ask you for a job. That would be awkward.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex October 18, 2013 @ 3:33 PM
It’s official. The outspokenly politically correct couple Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard finally tied the knot. You may recall that these two sanctimonious vegetarians publicly stated that they would not get married until all their gay and lesbian friends had a similar ability to do so. Of course, that didn’t stop them from creating a child earlier this year, which if my sex-ed memory serves me, their gay and lesbian friends have no ability to do. Not phased by moral inconsistencies, Kristen and Dax waited until DOMA was overturned earlier in the summer to declare how awesomely happy they were for gay justice and that they would now be getting married. Which means we can officially start the divorce clock. Self-righteous couples can never co-exist for very long. They have to live with that unnerving feeling that their spouse thinks they are better than they are. And, they do.
Photo Credit: Esquire
By Lex June 27, 2013 @ 5:18 PM
If you’re already married, you’re not as good a person as Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd. The newly named Sexiest Celebrity Vegetarians badly wanted to express their undying affection for one another and validate their powerful baby-producing lovemaking with the ritual of marriage. But they would not allow themselves such a privilege when gay men and women across this land were denied the same right. So, they abstained. At great cost too. How can one even begin to assess the cost of not being married? Inestimable. But, now, DOMA has been overturned, people who actually know how to dance at weddings are free to wed, and Kristen has asked Dax to marry her. The lady asking the man! These two are a real treasure. It would be devastating if a giant bird descended from the sky and plucked them both to pieces. Why can’t I stop thinking about that?