Kristen Stewart Still Fucking Unhappy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 29, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Kristen Stewart hates being famous. Besides the money and the influence and the sweet shit and the ability to fuck the man or woman of her choosing depending on her whim, this celebrity shit sucks. She misses The Gap.

Kristen whines like a champ, it’s worth reading to hate. (Dlisted)

Camille Rowe in a bikini by a pool. That is all. (Egotastic)

Interpol is after Justin Bieber like Carmen Sandiego. (TMZ)

Penelope Cruz wears a tight red leather bodysuit for Zoolander 2. (Huffington Post)

Selena Gomez is lookin’ mighty fine these days. (The Superficial)

Why weren’t fangirls this hot when I was younger? (The Chive)

COED picks the hottest celebrity butts. (COED)

Kristen Stewart Secretly Gay Married! Fuck, Wait, I Don’t Care

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 8:32 AM

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Out And About In West Hollywood
A gossip site which seems to use a random word generator to develop shocking headlines, claims that Kristen Stewart and her two knuckle honey bunny Alicia Cargile, were secretly married. They also claim that her relationship with Robert Pattinson was pure public relations stunt, that Stewart’s always favored girls, and that she can flip pancakes with just a spatula and her vagina muscles. The marriage would be another bold step in Kristen’s plot to make her parents feel bad for not giving her the Dora the Explorer backpack she was expecting for child acting school graduation. I doubt the marriage bit. Kristen seems content to Google ‘what does a lesbian look like’ and visit various welded art exhibits around town with her scissor sister. If you were wondering what it might have looked like if Luke had submitted to Vader, and both enjoyed fingering each other to brooding singer songwriter acoustic guitarists, hello, friend.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kristen Stewart Back To Looking Manly

By Lex March 11, 2015 @ 8:57 AM

Kristen Stewart Looks Manly In Wonderland Magazine Spring Issue
There were a couple weeks there in February where Kristen Stewart had to doll up and put on a dress for awards shows and premiere appearances. Her butch credentials were already being questioned back at HQ deep beneath Ellen’s Montecito humidor. Stewart’s already boned several boyfriends and ruined a Hollywood marriage over dick lust. Don’t think there isn’t suspicion in the ranks. You’re not being paranoid, bi-curious Karen Silkwood. There really are two chicks in sleeveless jean jackets behind you in that Subaru Forester.

Photo Credit: Wonderland Magazine Spring Issue

Kristen Stewart Lost Something

By Lex February 19, 2015 @ 8:27 AM

Kristen Stewart Wears A Skirt In Interview Magazine
Kristen Stewart has lost her pizzazz. She used to be that horribly disdainful self-loathing chick who blew the lost boys and ruined other people’s lives. Those wretched angry fucks are unbelievable fodder. Now she’s just another brooding lesbian chick wondering when the ball peen hammers go on sale again at OSH. Boring. They had to use the cartoon effect on her in this magazine just so you’d take a quick glance before you visually bounced. Before you’d stare at her a good five minutes wondering if she was pretty enough that you’d let her rub out her cigarette on your neck in exchange for a hummer. Now, she’s a horn-less unicorn. I think that’s just a horse. Where have all the bad women gone.

Photo Credit: Interview Magazine

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Move to Hand Holding Stage

By Lex February 06, 2015 @ 11:01 AM

Kristen Stewart And Alicia Cargile Hold Hands At LAX
The bond between two girls the newspapers refuse to call lesbian fuck buddies is strong. They’re not two cute old Italian biddies holding hands on the way to church on Sunday. They’re two chicks finger banging the lady snot out of each. There’s nothing wrong with paternal loathing that leads to two girls entwined in a thumb fight with just vaginas. We should celebrate it. In video form, especially if the butch assistant turned Tootsie Pop licking owl can keep to the shadows. Let your love shine, ladies. This is 2015. Nobody likes men anymore.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Splash

Kristen Stewart Eye Rapes Her Girlfriend

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

Kristen Stewart Checks Out Girlfriends Ass In LA
Being suddenly gay seems so last year, but Kristen Stewart is still working out her rage by shamelessly checking out her butch assistant slash girlfriend’s ass in public. Once you’ve wrecked enough men who aren’t your your dad and that chip hasn’t grown any smaller you’re left with lesbianism or drugs. I applaud Kristen for choosing the path that she’ll regret but at least won’t kill her. Plus acid washed jeans and unisex sweaters are only a million times cheaper than Topshop designer wear. Lipstick is a noose. Craigslist up a donor, let’s make a baby and be happy forever.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet