A Prince Once Paid 500k To Sample Kristen Stewart’s Sour Puss

By Jack September 11, 2013 @ 2:01 PM

Fat Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein told the NY Times about the time he convinced Kristen Stewart to hang out with a middle-eastern prince for $500,000. It seems that an unnamed royal from one of those despotic kingdoms where we get our oil REALLY likes Twilight. I guess if you have that much money and have the power to have someone executed nobody makes fun of you for having the same taste as a teen girl on her first period. The prince approached Weinstein to arrange the date in which he would pay half a million dollars, upfront, in cash, for 15 minutes of Kristen Stewart’s precious fucking time.

What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to spend anytime at all with her. She seems like an utterly vile human with a constant scowl and a shitty attitude. Of all the celebs you could spend money to meet, why her? I don’t fucking get it. To me that was always the most unbelievable part of the whole Twilight thing. Why would two gay supernatural boys fight over that scrunchy-faced gila monster? Maybe the prince felt the same untamed lust Stewart’s director on Snow White felt before he went down on her muff and destroyed his marriage. Could Stewart’s vagina be so fucking magnetic that men are ruining themselves personally and financially just to have a taste? If you’ve got an extra $500K sitting around, maybe you can help us find out.

Kristen Stewart Celebrates the 4th in France

By Lex July 04, 2013 @ 11:40 AM

Kristen Stewart Cleavage Arriving At A Zuhair Murad Fashion Show During Fashion Week In Paris
While Robert Pattinson is on American soil plowing his emotionally delicate man-piece into Elvis’ granddaughter, the unpleasant actress Kristen Stewart is in Paris celebrating the 4th of July in a land where the sour and dismissive is lauded as the traits of highest order. She is trying to show off her tits, which might get her a visa. Maybe France will adopt her.

Photo Credit: PCN, WENN

Robert Pattinson Is Banging Elvis’ Granddaughter

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 12:02 PM

Riley Keough At The 2013 Tribeca Film Festival In New York
I’ll say this for that chaffing sob monkey Robert Pattinson. Beneath all the emo, he’s still a dude. So when the spoiled brat love of his life goes and cheats on him in a messy public scandal, he does what any immature but semi-inspired man would do. He goes and bangs her friend. In this case, Riley Keough. He’s lucky Kristen had some hot friends. I’ve been there before when the revenge options are a little more daunting. Pride demands you still get in there, but it can be a challenge.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of actress Riley Keough. I don’t know much about her except she’s Elvis’ granddaughter, Kristen Stewart’s good friend, and now she’s got a mope of a method actor on top of her four nights a week trying to hold back his tears.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Kristen Stewart Is Such A Fashion Icon

By Travis July 03, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Someone somewhere recently called Kristen Stewart the best-dressed actress in Hollywood, because she has the amazing talent of dressing up in nice clothes when she has to attend events to promote her films, which showcase her otherwise lack of talent. Because of that, she gets to sit in the front row at events like yesterday’s Chanel runway show at Paris Fashion Week and hang out with other people who are good at staring indifferently at flat-chested models displaying overpriced dresses that no one will ever wear.

Amazingly, Kristen, who also dressed like a Hot Topic employee yesterday, almost smiled twice in between looking like a stone-faced Gollum, so that’s sure to get Robert Pattinson to come running back to her once he’s done wiping all the vagina off of him in Leonardo DiCaprio’s guest bathroom.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Kristen Stewart Tries To Jessica Chastain Up

By Jack June 06, 2013 @ 1:07 PM

Soulless troll Kristen Stewart has joined the war on terror in her new movie set in Guantanamo Bay. In Camp X-Ray, (stupid fucking title), she plays a cow-eyed boring girl with a bad attitude that joins the military and is sent to Gitmo where she presumably falls in love with a glittery fey terrorist. This is in an attempt to go for more “challenging” “indie” rolls that she believes will make her seem like more than just the less feminine member of the main Twilight couple. There is no better way to be taking seriously as a thespian than to do a movie about issues and war and, like, stuff. Except if you are Kristen Stewart. She could star in a movie where she plays Ghandi curing AIDS and she’d still just be a vapid teen star who inexplicably reached unheard of levels of fame without talent or good looks.

Kristen Stewart Twice As Angry As Ever

By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 2:26 PM

Kristen Stewart Flipping Off The Camera Leaving A Salon In Studio City
Sometimes I wonder how awesome life would be if instead of flipping the bird, Kristen Stewart just held her breath when she got angry. Stop taking my picture! I’m not pretty! My parents are in the business! ~ Hu-ommmmmmmm. We could sit on a bench and drink a couple brews while we place bets on how long until Kristen passes out. She’s very angry. You know she’s going well past blue to prove her point.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet