Kristen Stewart’s Thong Stars In Clouds Of Sil Maria (VIDEO)

By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

With her emotionless, boring acting, Kristen Stewart has always been perfect for an artsy, foreign Cannes Film Festival movie like Clouds of Sils Maria. In her latest role, she plays a young woman attracted to her older boss, who is an aging actress appropriately played by Juliette Binoche, and I guess they’re lesbians or something, because they touch each other’s faces and are pissed off at each other for something involving Chloë Grace Moretz. The only reason this is interesting is because it features Kristen in a thong in bed, and this is suddenly the most important she has been since she was sleeping with her Snow White director.

Kristen Stewart Is Still Such A Fashion Icon

By Travis February 11, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Not only are there people in Hollywood who think that Kristen Stewart is a good actress, but there are also fashion designers and critics who think that she’s the best dressed woman in the world. Both of those ideas are ludicrous, because she seems like she wouldn’t even blink or raise her voice if someone ran over her collection of Morrissey albums, and she dresses like she wakes up every morning in the dumpster behind an out-of-business American Apparel. But I guess I don’t know fashion, because look at her both looking gorgeous and acting like she just doesn’t give a shit at the same time in her badass mercenaries hat. She should drive her SUV right into Compton while wearing that hat and let all of the people know that she’s one vanilla white chick that you don’t fuck with.

Photo Credits:

Kristen Stewart is the Mopey Face of Chanel’s Offensive New Clothes

By Travis December 12, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

On Tuesday, Kristen Stewart attended the Chanel ‘Metiers d’Art’ Show in Dallas, where it was revealed that she was going to be the face of the company’s new line of Western-inspired clothes. Despite the fact that she regularly looks like she woke up in the return bin at an Urban Outfitters, Kristen is considered a bit of a fashion icon, and that’s why Karl Lagerfeld personally chose her to represent the new style.

Of course, when the expensive clothing is finally released in 2014, it’s probably going to get really exciting for Kristen, since Native Americans are already upset about the style, and she’ll be a target for her involvement. Hopefully they’ll drive their point home about the ridiculousness of modern stereotypes by shooting flaming arrows at her while she’s tied to a wooden stake, atop a pile of gas-soaked logs.

Photo Credits: Getty

A Prince Once Paid 500k To Sample Kristen Stewart’s Sour Puss

By Jack September 11, 2013 @ 2:01 PM

Fat Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein told the NY Times about the time he convinced Kristen Stewart to hang out with a middle-eastern prince for $500,000. It seems that an unnamed royal from one of those despotic kingdoms where we get our oil REALLY likes Twilight. I guess if you have that much money and have the power to have someone executed nobody makes fun of you for having the same taste as a teen girl on her first period. The prince approached Weinstein to arrange the date in which he would pay half a million dollars, upfront, in cash, for 15 minutes of Kristen Stewart’s precious fucking time.

What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to spend anytime at all with her. She seems like an utterly vile human with a constant scowl and a shitty attitude. Of all the celebs you could spend money to meet, why her? I don’t fucking get it. To me that was always the most unbelievable part of the whole Twilight thing. Why would two gay supernatural boys fight over that scrunchy-faced gila monster? Maybe the prince felt the same untamed lust Stewart’s director on Snow White felt before he went down on her muff and destroyed his marriage. Could Stewart’s vagina be so fucking magnetic that men are ruining themselves personally and financially just to have a taste? If you’ve got an extra $500K sitting around, maybe you can help us find out.

Kristen Stewart Celebrates the 4th in France

By Lex July 04, 2013 @ 11:40 AM

Kristen Stewart Cleavage Arriving At A Zuhair Murad Fashion Show During Fashion Week In Paris
While Robert Pattinson is on American soil plowing his emotionally delicate man-piece into Elvis’ granddaughter, the unpleasant actress Kristen Stewart is in Paris celebrating the 4th of July in a land where the sour and dismissive is lauded as the traits of highest order. She is trying to show off her tits, which might get her a visa. Maybe France will adopt her.

Photo Credit: PCN, WENN

Robert Pattinson Is Banging Elvis’ Granddaughter

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 12:02 PM

Riley Keough At The 2013 Tribeca Film Festival In New York
I’ll say this for that chaffing sob monkey Robert Pattinson. Beneath all the emo, he’s still a dude. So when the spoiled brat love of his life goes and cheats on him in a messy public scandal, he does what any immature but semi-inspired man would do. He goes and bangs her friend. In this case, Riley Keough. He’s lucky Kristen had some hot friends. I’ve been there before when the revenge options are a little more daunting. Pride demands you still get in there, but it can be a challenge.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of actress Riley Keough. I don’t know much about her except she’s Elvis’ granddaughter, Kristen Stewart’s good friend, and now she’s got a mope of a method actor on top of her four nights a week trying to hold back his tears.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN