Robert Pattinson Is Banging Elvis’ Granddaughter

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 12:02 PM

Riley Keough At The 2013 Tribeca Film Festival In New York
I’ll say this for that chaffing sob monkey Robert Pattinson. Beneath all the emo, he’s still a dude. So when the spoiled brat love of his life goes and cheats on him in a messy public scandal, he does what any immature but semi-inspired man would do. He goes and bangs her friend. In this case, Riley Keough. He’s lucky Kristen had some hot friends. I’ve been there before when the revenge options are a little more daunting. Pride demands you still get in there, but it can be a challenge.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of actress Riley Keough. I don’t know much about her except she’s Elvis’ granddaughter, Kristen Stewart’s good friend, and now she’s got a mope of a method actor on top of her four nights a week trying to hold back his tears.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Kristen Stewart Is Such A Fashion Icon

By Travis July 03, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Someone somewhere recently called Kristen Stewart the best-dressed actress in Hollywood, because she has the amazing talent of dressing up in nice clothes when she has to attend events to promote her films, which showcase her otherwise lack of talent. Because of that, she gets to sit in the front row at events like yesterday’s Chanel runway show at Paris Fashion Week and hang out with other people who are good at staring indifferently at flat-chested models displaying overpriced dresses that no one will ever wear.

Amazingly, Kristen, who also dressed like a Hot Topic employee yesterday, almost smiled twice in between looking like a stone-faced Gollum, so that’s sure to get Robert Pattinson to come running back to her once he’s done wiping all the vagina off of him in Leonardo DiCaprio’s guest bathroom.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Kristen Stewart Tries To Jessica Chastain Up

By Jack June 06, 2013 @ 1:07 PM

Soulless troll Kristen Stewart has joined the war on terror in her new movie set in Guantanamo Bay. In Camp X-Ray, (stupid fucking title), she plays a cow-eyed boring girl with a bad attitude that joins the military and is sent to Gitmo where she presumably falls in love with a glittery fey terrorist. This is in an attempt to go for more “challenging” “indie” rolls that she believes will make her seem like more than just the less feminine member of the main Twilight couple. There is no better way to be taking seriously as a thespian than to do a movie about issues and war and, like, stuff. Except if you are Kristen Stewart. She could star in a movie where she plays Ghandi curing AIDS and she’d still just be a vapid teen star who inexplicably reached unheard of levels of fame without talent or good looks.

Kristen Stewart Twice As Angry As Ever

By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 2:26 PM

Kristen Stewart Flipping Off The Camera Leaving A Salon In Studio City
Sometimes I wonder how awesome life would be if instead of flipping the bird, Kristen Stewart just held her breath when she got angry. Stop taking my picture! I’m not pretty! My parents are in the business! ~ Hu-ommmmmmmm. We could sit on a bench and drink a couple brews while we place bets on how long until Kristen passes out. She’s very angry. You know she’s going well past blue to prove her point.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Love Is Dead: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Break Up

By Jack May 20, 2013 @ 1:23 PM

Robert Pattinson has reportedly once again broken up with Kristen Stewart. Sources are saying the unnecessarily intense young actor couple had been fighting a lot, presumably about which one of them is more catastrophically boring and can gin up more fake contempt for commercial society. You’ll recall that last year they broke the hearts of tweens, obese women, and boys who wear eyeliner everywhere when they split because Stewart was getting the old Hi-Ho down low from her Snow White and the Huntsman director.  Chances are they’ll get back together again because they are both too annoying in real life to find anyone else who will hang out past the conclusion of sex.

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart Are Still Boring

By Travis May 13, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Whether or not Kristen Stewart’s schedule being mostly wide open for the immediate future has to do with her affair with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders is unknown, but because she’s so incredibly boring and annoying to look at, it’s just fun to assume that’s the reason. Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson and his forehead have several movies coming up, so instead of leaving Kristen behind to damage any other marriages, Robert is taking her with him to Cannes for his promotional duties this year.

And when they’re done with work, Hollywood’s blandest couple will head to Provence, France, where they will tour some vineyards and camp in the chateaus because they want to experience “normal living”, according to The Sun.

I don’t like to wish violence or pain on anyone, but if someone in or around those chateaus were to “accidentally” let some starving bears or tigers or alligators into the area that Robert and Kristen are camping at, they might earn some big cool points.

(Photo Credit: WENN.com)