Whether or not Kristen Stewart’s schedule being mostly wide open for the immediate future has to do with her affair with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders is unknown, but because she’s so incredibly boring and annoying to look at, it’s just fun to assume that’s the reason. Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson and his forehead have several movies coming up, so instead of leaving Kristen behind to damage any other marriages, Robert is taking her with him to Cannes for his promotional duties this year.
And when they’re done with work, Hollywood’s blandest couple will head to Provence, France, where they will tour some vineyards and camp in the chateaus because they want to experience “normal living”, according to The Sun.
I don’t like to wish violence or pain on anyone, but if someone in or around those chateaus were to “accidentally” let some starving bears or tigers or alligators into the area that Robert and Kristen are camping at, they might earn some big cool points.
Robert Pattinson showed the world that he’s too lazy to sleep with any one of the millions of women who would let him stick it anywhere, when he showed up to Coachella holding Kristen Stewart’s hand. And as usual, Stewart looked like she woke up in a dumpster behind a Goodwill, wearing a collection of post-grunge hand-me-downs and frowning like someone just ran over her six cats.
(Photo above is from the last time Kristen got caught with Rupert as he went down on her clam in a car during a break from shooting Snow White.)
Shortly after her cuckolded corpse of a boyfriend Robert Pattinson flew out of Los Angeles on Sunday evening, Kristen Stewart was photographed getting into a black Acura, the same model Sanders owns, with a man who bears a striking resemblance to the Snow White and the Huntsman director. Hey, his wife Liberty Ross filled for divorce in January, he’s basically a free man. The only one who looks like a dumb ass this time around is Pattinson and I don’t even know if he has feelings. There’s more personality in my dildo.
Anyway, haters gonna hate on Kristen, but I’m totally on her side on this one. The sexual chemistry between an older man and a younger woman is a perfectly natural and healthy thing. Older men are better in bed because they’re not instinctively desperate to cover the planet with their seed. Plus, they have real jobs and don’t live with their parents. I’m 25 and you couldn’t pay me to jump into the sack with anyone who isn’t at least ten years my elder. As for why Rupert would want to bang a girl half his age, well, men aren’t that hard to figure out. It’s obviously true love.
If you didn’t believe that Kristen Stewart wasn’t affected by her fame and fortune, now you better believe it. She’s driving a pickup truck around L.A. these days. Who else but a normal, working class gal drives a pickup truck? In fact, when Kristen went on line and Googled how to look like I’m not rich and famous, a picture of the pickup truck appeared in her results. That’s some Boolean verification of just how down to earth she looks in her truck. Forget her hippy chick counterculture talk and her flipping off the cameras and her flannel shirts and her smoking cigarettes in the face of modern Hollywood, this truck seals the deal. Kristen Stewart is just like you and me. If we drove pickup trucks.
To be fair to children in general, a better headline might be “Award Shows Are Incredibly Stupid”, but since the Kids Choice Awards took place in Los Angeles on Saturday, we’ll stick to making fun of the little morons for now. Hosted by actor Josh Duhamel, who got the job after finishing third in a Timothy Olyphant lookalike contest, this year’s Kids Choice Awards honored a number of people who were willing to show up, including Katy Perry’s breasts and One Direction.
But the big winner of the night was Kristen Stewart, who was named Favorite Movie Actress for her breathtaking performance as a girl who looks confused in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Thank God It’s Over.
Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris were likewise drenched in the green goo while presenting the award for favorite movie actress. Winner Kristen Stewart, recognized for her role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2,” joined in by hugging Bullock, getting messy in the process. Stewart also won the prize for favorite female buttkicker for her role in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”
Other film winners included Johnny Depp, who attended but was not slimed, as favorite movie actor for “Dark Shadows.” Favorite movie went to “The Hunger Games,” with “Wreck-It Ralph” winning favorite animated movie. Favorite voice from an animated movie went to Adam Sandler for “Hotel Transylvania,” and Dwayne Johnson won favorite male buttkicker for “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.” (L.A. Times)
Of course Johnny Depp didn’t get slimed. God forbid someone get some sticky goo on his bitchin’ leather bracelets. But it’s great that Depp’s performance in the PG-13 Dark Shadows was honored by children in 22 countries, as there wasn’t a middle school cafeteria that wasn’t buzzing over that movie last year. “Hey, did you see Dark Shadows,” the cool kids would ask, adding, “My bad, I forgot you were giving birth.”
Hollywood ranks as the third biggest dank-smoking industry in the world, right behind the National Basketball Association and South American Air Traffic Controllers, so it’s no surprise that somewhere around 68.9% of actors and actresses are puffing tough on Trainwreck at any given moment. But Kristen Stewart at the Academy Awards last night, she and that limp and that wicked unexplained arm bruise, she crashed through the ‘Bridge Out at 420′ sign and flew right off the embankment.
Kristen Stewart had quite a 2012. She compelled her Snow White director to chow down on her lunch box during union mandated production breaks, busting up his marriage to a hot Euro model, no less, she finally got her top off fully legit in On The Road, and in between giving the finger to paparazzi, broke up with her gay boyfriend who will certainly be missing that middle finger. She’s busy. And super fucking high.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
Check out Liberty Ross and her amazing legs and nipples. She’s the model whose director husband dove into Kristen’s breach face first and cost himself any shot at ever tweaking those nipples again in bed.