By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 9:01 AM
Spurned by jealousy of her famous ex-boyfriend and the God who punished her with a pretty face, Kristen Stewart has begun locking herself into the Anger Expression room of her house with her butch assistant. It’s the kind of relationship where for half a second as a nosy neighbor you get excited when they forget to pull the shades. Then you move. I’m just thrilled Kristen finally seems happy. I root for chain smoking self-loathing angry women like no other. Who else will love them besides me and their personal assistants, only one of whom knows precisely how many knuckles will make her feel special.
Photo Credit: INF
By Jack June 23, 2014 @ 4:24 PM
Kristen Stewart is suing 147 year old Joan Rivers for a passage in her new book Diary of a Mad Diva about Kristen Stewart’s affair with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. I won’t give away the joke but it involves the director’s balls. And since it’s Joan Rivers, it’s not an actual joke.
Read all about sad sack Stewart’s suit against the dried up old harridan. (Huffington Post)
Venus Williams shows off her tennis balls in ESPN magazine. (COED)
Sting shafts his kids on their $300M inheritance. What a globally minded asshole. (DListed)
Emma Watson nude with a bunch of flowers. Yes, I love flowers too. (The Chive)
The Pope just excommunicated the entire mafia for being the fucking mafia. (The Superficial)
Jada Pinkett-Smith still looks sexy as fuck in a yellow bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 2:00 PM
Liberty Ross’s divorce from director Rupert Sanders is finally complete, according to TMZ, and the model/actress has once again proven to the world that if a wealthy man is stupid enough to cheat in open daylight, he deserves to have his bank account torn to pieces. The divorce stemmed from Rupert’s affair with Kristen Stewart on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman, which Liberty also acted in, and because he couldn’t find a better place than the back seat of a car to fuck the most boring girl in Hollywood, Liberty is said to have made off with more than half of his assets. Meanwhile, when asked about the divorce, Kristen probably just brushed her hair to one side and bit her lip while looking at the ground, and then someone labeled her the most daring and compelling talent of her generation, because we’re all just big fucking idiots.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
With her emotionless, boring acting, Kristen Stewart has always been perfect for an artsy, foreign Cannes Film Festival movie like Clouds of Sils Maria. In her latest role, she plays a young woman attracted to her older boss, who is an aging actress appropriately played by Juliette Binoche, and I guess they’re lesbians or something, because they touch each other’s faces and are pissed off at each other for something involving Chloë Grace Moretz. The only reason this is interesting is because it features Kristen in a thong in bed, and this is suddenly the most important she has been since she was sleeping with her Snow White director.
By Travis February 11, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Not only are there people in Hollywood who think that Kristen Stewart is a good actress, but there are also fashion designers and critics who think that she’s the best dressed woman in the world. Both of those ideas are ludicrous, because she seems like she wouldn’t even blink or raise her voice if someone ran over her collection of Morrissey albums, and she dresses like she wakes up every morning in the dumpster behind an out-of-business American Apparel. But I guess I don’t know fashion, because look at her both looking gorgeous and acting like she just doesn’t give a shit at the same time in her badass mercenaries hat. She should drive her SUV right into Compton while wearing that hat and let all of the people know that she’s one vanilla white chick that you don’t fuck with.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis December 12, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
On Tuesday, Kristen Stewart attended the Chanel ‘Metiers d’Art’ Show in Dallas, where it was revealed that she was going to be the face of the company’s new line of Western-inspired clothes. Despite the fact that she regularly looks like she woke up in the return bin at an Urban Outfitters, Kristen is considered a bit of a fashion icon, and that’s why Karl Lagerfeld personally chose her to represent the new style.
Of course, when the expensive clothing is finally released in 2014, it’s probably going to get really exciting for Kristen, since Native Americans are already upset about the style, and she’ll be a target for her involvement. Hopefully they’ll drive their point home about the ridiculousness of modern stereotypes by shooting flaming arrows at her while she’s tied to a wooden stake, atop a pile of gas-soaked logs.
Photo Credits: Getty