By Travis July 03, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Someone somewhere recently called Kristen Stewart the best-dressed actress in Hollywood, because she has the amazing talent of dressing up in nice clothes when she has to attend events to promote her films, which showcase her otherwise lack of talent. Because of that, she gets to sit in the front row at events like yesterday’s Chanel runway show at Paris Fashion Week and hang out with other people who are good at staring indifferently at flat-chested models displaying overpriced dresses that no one will ever wear.
Amazingly, Kristen, who also dressed like a Hot Topic employee yesterday, almost smiled twice in between looking like a stone-faced Gollum, so that’s sure to get Robert Pattinson to come running back to her once he’s done wiping all the vagina off of him in Leonardo DiCaprio’s guest bathroom.
(Photo Credits: Getty)
By Jack June 06, 2013 @ 1:07 PM
Soulless troll Kristen Stewart has joined the war on terror in her new movie set in Guantanamo Bay. In Camp X-Ray, (stupid fucking title), she plays a cow-eyed boring girl with a bad attitude that joins the military and is sent to Gitmo where she presumably falls in love with a glittery fey terrorist. This is in an attempt to go for more “challenging” “indie” rolls that she believes will make her seem like more than just the less feminine member of the main Twilight couple. There is no better way to be taking seriously as a thespian than to do a movie about issues and war and, like, stuff. Except if you are Kristen Stewart. She could star in a movie where she plays Ghandi curing AIDS and she’d still just be a vapid teen star who inexplicably reached unheard of levels of fame without talent or good looks.
By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 2:26 PM
Sometimes I wonder how awesome life would be if instead of flipping the bird, Kristen Stewart just held her breath when she got angry. Stop taking my picture! I’m not pretty! My parents are in the business! ~ Hu-ommmmmmmm. We could sit on a bench and drink a couple brews while we place bets on how long until Kristen passes out. She’s very angry. You know she’s going well past blue to prove her point.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack May 20, 2013 @ 1:23 PM
Robert Pattinson has reportedly once again broken up with Kristen Stewart. Sources are saying the unnecessarily intense young actor couple had been fighting a lot, presumably about which one of them is more catastrophically boring and can gin up more fake contempt for commercial society. You’ll recall that last year they broke the hearts of tweens, obese women, and boys who wear eyeliner everywhere when they split because Stewart was getting the old Hi-Ho down low from her Snow White and the Huntsman director. Chances are they’ll get back together again because they are both too annoying in real life to find anyone else who will hang out past the conclusion of sex.
By Travis May 13, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Whether or not Kristen Stewart’s schedule being mostly wide open for the immediate future has to do with her affair with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders is unknown, but because she’s so incredibly boring and annoying to look at, it’s just fun to assume that’s the reason. Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson and his forehead have several movies coming up, so instead of leaving Kristen behind to damage any other marriages, Robert is taking her with him to Cannes for his promotional duties this year.
And when they’re done with work, Hollywood’s blandest couple will head to Provence, France, where they will tour some vineyards and camp in the chateaus because they want to experience “normal living”, according to The Sun.
I don’t like to wish violence or pain on anyone, but if someone in or around those chateaus were to “accidentally” let some starving bears or tigers or alligators into the area that Robert and Kristen are camping at, they might earn some big cool points.
(Photo Credit: WENN.com)
By Travis May 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Robert Pattinson showed the world that he’s too lazy to sleep with any one of the millions of women who would let him stick it anywhere, when he showed up to Coachella holding Kristen Stewart’s hand. And as usual, Stewart looked like she woke up in a dumpster behind a Goodwill, wearing a collection of post-grunge hand-me-downs and frowning like someone just ran over her six cats.
But someone out there loves the hipster walk of shame look, because Glamour Magazine’s readers have named Stewart the world’s Best Dressed Woman for the second year in a row because of her “rock-chick style”. They must have just felt bad for her after she was also declared No. 2 on Star Magazine’s Most Hated Celebrity list, ahead of Chris Brown, Jesse James and Kris Jenner, and behind only Gwyneth Paltrow.
That just means she’ll have to blow her next director a little harder.
(Photo Credit: STS/WENN.com)