Kristen Stewart Tries To Jessica Chastain Up

By Jack June 06, 2013 @ 1:07 PM

Soulless troll Kristen Stewart has joined the war on terror in her new movie set in Guantanamo Bay. In Camp X-Ray, (stupid fucking title), she plays a cow-eyed boring girl with a bad attitude that joins the military and is sent to Gitmo where she presumably falls in love with a glittery fey terrorist. This is in an attempt to go for more “challenging” “indie” rolls that she believes will make her seem like more than just the less feminine member of the main Twilight couple. There is no better way to be taking seriously as a thespian than to do a movie about issues and war and, like, stuff. Except if you are Kristen Stewart. She could star in a movie where she plays Ghandi curing AIDS and she’d still just be a vapid teen star who inexplicably reached unheard of levels of fame without talent or good looks.

Kristen Stewart Twice As Angry As Ever

By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 2:26 PM

Kristen Stewart Flipping Off The Camera Leaving A Salon In Studio City
Sometimes I wonder how awesome life would be if instead of flipping the bird, Kristen Stewart just held her breath when she got angry. Stop taking my picture! I’m not pretty! My parents are in the business! ~ Hu-ommmmmmmm. We could sit on a bench and drink a couple brews while we place bets on how long until Kristen passes out. She’s very angry. You know she’s going well past blue to prove her point.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Love Is Dead: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Break Up

By Jack May 20, 2013 @ 1:23 PM

Robert Pattinson has reportedly once again broken up with Kristen Stewart. Sources are saying the unnecessarily intense young actor couple had been fighting a lot, presumably about which one of them is more catastrophically boring and can gin up more fake contempt for commercial society. You’ll recall that last year they broke the hearts of tweens, obese women, and boys who wear eyeliner everywhere when they split because Stewart was getting the old Hi-Ho down low from her Snow White and the Huntsman director.  Chances are they’ll get back together again because they are both too annoying in real life to find anyone else who will hang out past the conclusion of sex.

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart Are Still Boring

By Travis May 13, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Whether or not Kristen Stewart’s schedule being mostly wide open for the immediate future has to do with her affair with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders is unknown, but because she’s so incredibly boring and annoying to look at, it’s just fun to assume that’s the reason. Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson and his forehead have several movies coming up, so instead of leaving Kristen behind to damage any other marriages, Robert is taking her with him to Cannes for his promotional duties this year.

And when they’re done with work, Hollywood’s blandest couple will head to Provence, France, where they will tour some vineyards and camp in the chateaus because they want to experience “normal living”, according to The Sun.

I don’t like to wish violence or pain on anyone, but if someone in or around those chateaus were to “accidentally” let some starving bears or tigers or alligators into the area that Robert and Kristen are camping at, they might earn some big cool points.

(Photo Credit:

Kristen Stewart Is The Best-Dressed Woman

By Travis May 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Robert Pattinson showed the world that he’s too lazy to sleep with any one of the millions of women who would let him stick it anywhere, when he showed up to Coachella holding Kristen Stewart’s hand. And as usual, Stewart looked like she woke up in a dumpster behind a Goodwill, wearing a collection of post-grunge hand-me-downs and frowning like someone just ran over her six cats.

But someone out there loves the hipster walk of shame look, because Glamour Magazine’s readers have named Stewart the world’s Best Dressed Woman for the second year in a row because of her “rock-chick style”. They must have just felt bad for her after she was also declared No. 2 on Star Magazine’s Most Hated Celebrity list, ahead of Chris Brown, Jesse James and Kris Jenner, and behind only Gwyneth Paltrow.

That just means she’ll have to blow her next director a little harder.

(Photo Credit: STS/

Kristen Stewart Banging Rupert Sanders Again (Allegedly)

By Sophie April 23, 2013 @ 1:44 PM

Kristen Stewart Cheating US Weekly
(Photo above is from the last time Kristen got caught with Rupert as he went down on her clam in a car during a break from shooting Snow White.)

Shortly after her cuckolded corpse of a boyfriend Robert Pattinson flew out of Los Angeles on Sunday evening, Kristen Stewart was photographed getting into a black Acura, the same model Sanders owns, with a man who bears a striking resemblance to the Snow White and the Huntsman director. Hey, his wife Liberty Ross filled for divorce in January, he’s basically a free man. The only one who looks like a dumb ass this time around is Pattinson and I don’t even know if he has feelings. There’s more personality in my dildo.

Anyway, haters gonna hate on Kristen, but I’m totally on her side on this one. The sexual chemistry between an older man and a younger woman is a perfectly natural and healthy thing. Older men are better in bed because they’re not instinctively desperate to cover the planet with their seed. Plus, they have real jobs and don’t live with their parents. I’m 25 and you couldn’t pay me to jump into the sack with anyone who isn’t at least ten years my elder. As for why Rupert would want to bang a girl half his age, well, men aren’t that hard to figure out. It’s obviously true love.