By Lex April 27, 2015 @ 10:10 AM
Here’s where rappers face an uphill battle from lack of adult male role models. That last line of defense on really bad decisions. You bring up the idea of indelibly inking the name of the underaged chick you’re banging on your sleeve and your old man or favorite crotchety science teacher or coach will kick you in the nuts and tell you to stop thinking with your dick. That’s the pain you’re going to look back on with gratitude. A sycophantic posse isn’t going to tell you shit you don’t want to hear. Yeah, Tyga, that’s awesome. No way they use that against you in court. Do you think Chris Brown is hiring for assistant weed procurer? I’m asking for a friend.
Tyga’s tattoo is apparently in response to Blac Chyna going on social media and asking for her former boo to come home. I speak fluent whore and I can tell you that’s a shot across the bow of Kylie Jenner. Kylie’s sisters’ got the fame and fortune and her dad’s becoming a woman on national television. She may have the intellectual power of dented marbles, but she’s not losing her black rapper boyfriend. He’s her lifeline. Point to that underaged pussy and compel your man to mark your name on his ulna. If he’s as dumb as looks, he’s going to oblige. Romance isn’t dead, it’s just takng a break. This can only end well.
Photo credit: Instagram
By Lex April 24, 2015 @ 10:00 AM
With dad on the cusp of lopping off his giblets on live TV, Kris Jenner fell back on her favorite misdirection play, dress the girls up like prostitutes and take them out for a stroll. Jenner ran an algorithm of every single dress every single parent ever told their daughter they couldn’t leave the house in to fashion streetwalker wardrobes for her four girls. Kim was out searching for Rob before the press finds him and was unavailable for the evening. This shit’s insidious, but it works. The entire cadre of Hollywood paparazzi started shooting tits and ass even on the underaged one while not a word was spoken about Kris’ henpecking her former husband into a new vagina and gown. The evening was a huge success, save for the janitor who had to pressure wash the sticky snail trail that leaks behind the Kardashian pack on non-douche days.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty
By Lex April 22, 2015 @ 10:16 AM
I can’t imagine the wave of emotion that sweeps over a 26-year old stripper when her baby daddy decides he prefers to statutory rape bang a 17-year old Kardashian. Despair mixed with gin and a tonic of regret for thinking basic literacy was for losers. Blac Chyna has decided to attack Kylie Jenner where it counts, on social media, with grade school slams on her hyper inflated lips and lack of grown up after-sex gifts.
I don’t know the exact rules of whore fights, but I’m pretty sure the last girl to get gonorrhea wins. Kylie may have the mind of a child who dined on too many lead paint chips, but she got the Tyga. She’s owns the Skank Throne until such time as another usurps her seat. Blac Chyna has her black men’s magazine ass modeling gigs and her burgeoning eyelash extension business. That ought to be enough. Let Kylie have a bastard rapper baby. If recessive genes could speak, they’d thank you.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 1:41 PM
It’s hard to argue that somebody who dresses like they want, goes where they want, fucks who they want is some kind of slave to anything but their own id. Not everybody is Stephen Hawking when it comes to their purpose on earth. Somebody has to explain the cosmos. Somebody has to be the Coachella after party fuck toy. Kim Kardashian and her barnacle filled uterus aren’t going to be around forever. It’s time to pass the filthy family torch. That’s Kylie. She’s going to take that fire stick and rub it in her cunny then charge men outside the public library for licks. If you think one day she’ll look back on this time in her life with remorse, you have no idea how she thinks.
Photo Credit: Instagram/SnapChat
By Lex April 13, 2015 @ 11:23 AM
Coachella isn’t just about the cutting edge of Madonna and Drake kissing on stage, it’s about the people. If you’re a ticket buyer who spent their entire last paycheck from the Coffee Bean on a single wristband, you’re in with the tens of thousands sweaty masses taking ecstasy and imagining you’re a musical vanguard. If you’ve got a decent publicist, you’re in the cordoned off wide open area for the celebrities and their pharmaceutical reps. Tell your stylist to read up on Woodstock so she can outfit your appropriately. Bring a boy to make out with because you didn’t do high school and missed all the Hootie concerts. Bad girls dressed like injuns go to the front of the Arts Festival line. Have somebody tell you the name of your favorite band there and hope you don’t get a rash. Don’t forget the second weekend.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
Somebody who counts the money decided it was time to get Kylie Jenner working the Snapchat pole. The teen reality star with the ‘some sixth grade’ education used her first snap video to film herself putting her hand down her sister Kendall’s pants. This is either obscene or by far the best fifteen seconds the Kardashians have produced since Ray J doubled down on the OTC lotion. Snapchat videos are supposed to self-destruct after ten seconds so parents and the god you pray to can never see them, but that technology also took about ten seconds to hack and figure out how to store and save. Kylie noted on her Snapchat that she’s now taking a temporary break from the app to study the works of Kant, or possibly grab some fro-yo and get knocked up by her platonic older male friend, Tyga. With her days free, she could probably squeeze in both.
Photo Credit: SnapChat/Instagram