By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 12:25 PM
In a growing scandal nobody really gives a fuck about, they just need an excuse to show half naked teen girls (myself included), Kendall Jenner denies that she and her working girl sisters were texting during the VMA minute of silence for kids throwing Molotov cocktails at cops in Ferguson:
I just specifically remember not texting and bowing my head down for the moment of silence and that’s all I have to say about that.
Whoa, thanks Obama for giving us a quote in between your national security briefings. I actually believe that these moronic vag-bots text and Tweet so much of their every waking hour that they probably do remember the few brief moments when they’re not typing LOLZ what a bicchh! into their phones. Also a Kardashian is going to remember the one time in her life when she bows her head and a cock doesn’t slide into their mouth. I find these lovely young ladies innocent of disrespect! Now, onto the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge counts.
Photo Credit: Getty, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 3:11 PM
Some trumped out outrage is going around the Internet because the Kardashian whorelings were using their cellphones when Common asked for a moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs because as a black celebrity, he simply had no choice. While it’s easy to focus on a picture of the back-brothel skank disrespecting a moment of silence, perhaps one could remember that the Kardashians donate almost ten percent of a their Ebay discarded clothing sales to a charity nobody has ever vetted. Khloe and Lamar spent several years raising money for a stomach cancer charity that helped pay Lamar’s friend to build a basketball court. The matriarch of the family was having interracial sex outside her marriage before that was even considered cool. You tell me who has done more for the black man — Common or The Kardashians? If the answer comes from the voluminous subset of those who’ve been blown by a Kardashian, I can give you your answer.
For the record, moments of silences can be called for by anybody. It doesn’t make them sacrosanct. Kylie should’ve called for a moment of silence so she could text Jaden Smith and asks him if he knows what the fuck a Ferguson is.
Photo credit: Tabir Akhter / Twitter
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
Given that they have no connection to Canada or the music world, it made sense that teen author sensations Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner would come without underwear to host the 2014 Much Music Video Awards in Toronto. Much Music is the crappy version of MTV in Canada, except they still show music videos instead of high schoolers dying from drugs and ectopic pregnancies. The girls were lauded for their improved ability to read the cue cards and for showing off enough teenage skin to send a principal to jail if his nosy secretary found it on his computer. When you arrive at the intersection of insipid pop culture and commercialized sexuality, you are certain to find a Kardashian in a short skirt insisting that you’re obliged to tell them if you’re a cop or not.
Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 04, 2014 @ 12:12 PM
Rebels: City Of Indra: The Story Of Lex And Livia. From their innovative use of two colons in the title, to their groundbreaking rip off of so many girl power modern tween fantasy action series, the Jenner girls are now officially authors. I think they once previously published a pamphlet on the inherent dangers of coitus interruptus with non-wealthy boyfriends, but this is their first official novel to be released. It’s been two years in the making. Books don’t just write themselves. The early literary reviews have been quite negative, but that’s only because people are judging them on the content of their work, rather than the amount of teenage flesh their using to promote it. You don’t need to tell a Kardashian that if you’ve got crap to sell, change the story to your tits. You know this from first grade when your show and tell isn’t going well and your mom is off to the side urging you to flash your cunny to the boys. I predict this book sells very well. But only because the last five hundred Kardashian products have sold very well. I’m good with patterns.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash
By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
At first glance, it could be pretty alarming that Justin Bieber, who is 20, was hanging out at the Rainbow Bar on the Sunset Strip with 16-year old Kylie Jenner. But it’s also a restaurant as much as it’s a bar, so the two of them could have just been sharing a milkshake and some french fries while they stared lovingly into each other’s eyes and thought about all of the fun they can have in two years, when she’s of legal sex tape age and he’s probably in the middle of a huge downward spiral. There’s also a chance that this was just a business meeting and Justin isn’t nailing the youngest Kardashian, because a guy named John Shahidi was there, and he created an app called Shots that lets morons share their selfies in a new way. Taking a picture and posting it directly to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram? That shit is so last year. It’s all about adding an unnecessary middle man now.
Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner’s Twitter