By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 8:56 AM
According to sources about as credible as the Kardashians themselves, Kylie Jenner is pregnant by her statutory raping rapper boyfriend. This is the third time reports have come out of the underaged daughter being knocked up. It’s not a horrible assumption given her family tree feeds almost entirely on hip hop jism. She’s seventeen, a high school dropout, and her parents are absentee slash changing genders and sacrificing local woodland mammals on a Satanic altar in exchange for cursed gold. It’s all there. But if Lifetime movies and reading the entries of morose teen girls on How I Lost My Virginity blogs has taught us anything, don’t be so quick to judge the neighborhood slut. She might just be the victim of a bad reputation. Remember when Michael Brown turned out to be a sweet kid who just wanted to study found object art in college? Let’s wait until this manufactured whorelet pushes out her first bastard baby before we start the name calling, you know, officially.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex January 08, 2015 @ 11:38 AM
According to anonymous sources for Life and Style magazine, which equates to the legitimacy of Bubbles in The Wire, Kylie Jenner is pissed her mom is pushing her toward plastic surgery so she can be pretty like her older sisters. It’s probably bullshit, but within the realm of nasty exploitative shrew like behavior that does character her mother. So 50-50.
Kylie has responded by publishing increasingly racy pictures of her underaged tits and trying to look dark and brooding like her hero, Angelina Jolie. Including an addiction to lip injections. Which may or may not be true. Though it is true her lips are spontaneously growing. Kylie says it’s a natural result of her getting older because stupid people just assume other people process information in her similarly stunted manner. Fuck, this entire thing is stupid. Just stare at her yabbos until she’s eighteen and does something magnificent with them.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 8:56 AM
The bickering as to whether teen Kylie Jenner has had artificial enhancements to her body parts seems particularly hurtful. Lips and tits and asses do spontaneously expand for a completely random set of women who make their living trying to look hot on television. In some cases, nipples can pierce themselves. It’s called sympathetic response. The body does amazing things under stress. Read about it before you sound like a dummy.
Photo credit: Shammaurice/Instagram
By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 8:45 AM
Things most commonly heard at a Kardashian Christmas Party. You slut. Followed by, I know, followed by, I’m so jealous, and finally, let’s finger each other’s buttholes then go kill mother. They giggle at the last remark because they know without a priest descended directly from St. Paul they are helpless to do the latter. A jaunty game of Scrabble inevitably ends in a scoreless tie proceeds the eggnog fight on the designer dresses which caps off the night. As the girls lay drugged in their woven basket beds on the kitchen floor, Santa approves a Paypal charge and gets twenty minutes to empty himself on the large one. Somewhere, Baby Jesus weeps, but nobody notices.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 16, 2014 @ 10:01 AM
According to hiphophangover.com, a news source about as reliable as Fox or MSNBC, so mostly just made up shit, Kylie Jenner is pregnant by Tyga. Kylie has repeatedly denied she’s dating the older rapper mostly while wryly smiling and burping up his baby sauce. Given the extent of the in utero burial grounds at the Kardashian home in Calabasas, it seems unlikely that Kris Jenner would allow her underaged daughter to carry a baby to term for lack of my body my choice options. Someday, Kylie will suffer the intense boredom of the dumb and bear the family another illegitimate mulatto child. Is that day today? Look to the Southern skies.
Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI
By Lex December 02, 2014 @ 11:31 AM
There will come a time in every Kardashian daughter’s life when they will be asked to employ their tits to bring some money to the family table. It’s roughly about the time they prematurely develop engorged breasts thanks to a strict diet of chickens who have consumed all the hormones Whole Foods removed from their foul. And then it proceeds on until death by the tractor the Grim Reaper rides to emphatically squelch the horrendous ones when the scythe just seems to swift and humane.
Photo Credit: Beats By Dre