By Lex May 27, 2015 @ 9:23 AM
Kylie Jenner took time out of her hectic school day to tan her tits and dip her toes into the conspiracy theories that primarily dwell in the minds of the mumbling homeless and Hollywood celebrities. Jenner chose chemtrails for her dissertation. Chemtrail savants such as Roseanne Barr and Prince believe the U.S. government, the Trilateral Commission and Voldemort are conspiring to kill the honey bees and make James Franco’s even more fake gay by spreading poison behind Southwest jets on their fourth of seven stops between anywhere and Nashville.
Stupid chicks with big racks are the world’s most precious commodity and a necessity if you want to throw a successful backyard BBQ. If you can put aside the image of a D-list rapper bukkake party on her face, Kylie Jenner could easily be your best girlfriend ever. I agree that jet engine condensation trails are really an experimental Hydra poison and you agree to swear to the hotel manager you’re eighteen. Spit in your palm and rub my dick and we have a binding Kardashian contract.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 10:08 AM
Kylie Jenner’s people had the bright idea to deflect attention away from her statutory rapey relationship with rapper Tyga by spending the holiday weekend posting pictures of her presumably studying for finals. It’s pretty crass to accuse a seventeen year old of using sex to spin the conversation away from sex, but there’s no single Kardashian public relations strategy that doesn’t involve sins of the flesh, from tits right on through to lopping off cocks. I suppose there’s some relative or family friend somewhere whose had the moral fortitude to tell Kylie that going through life as a whore is not all fun and games. I wish they could’ve captured Kylie’s pshaw at that moment. Then the signature sound of Kris Jenner’s blade hacking through the neck of this would be do-gooder. This particular expedition has no return ticket.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 9:15 AM
Kylie Jenner posted photos of herself in a swimsuit getting ready for second period of her imaginary high school. When nobody penned derogatory comments about her getting fat, she pointed out to the world that she had put on weight, so deal with it. The only thing worse than being fat shamed in 2015 is to not be fat shamed. Sure, the dudes don’t care. They just want to whisk you off to wherever Tyga takes you to fuck you statutorily proper, but you’re going to see an exponential drop in your score among the muffin tops if nobody’s trolling you with undue fatty comments. Almost time to hashtag #AbortionIsAPrivateMatter with ultrasounds of your fetus waving goodbye and then fire back at the haters. I’m not sure I can legally ask you to STFU and show us your tits, but I’m thinking it.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Bruce Jenner went on Keeping Up With The Kardashians to announce he has made an appointment to fully transition into being a woman. This is a watershed moment for the rights of former Olympic gold medalists to live as the gender they super really want to. Think about James Meredith applying to be the first ever African-American student at the University of Mississippi. Now imagine instead he had wanted to get a pedicure and had orchestrated his plans with a bunch of educationally challenged bobble heads with fake tits.
Jenner plans to tweak his face a bit more then circle back to The Big Snip. The Kardashian sisters seemed surprised by his plans even though the show is entirely scripted. Kendall and the big one cried although it was hard to tell if they were tears of joy or if they were thinking about Tupac and how they never got a chance to suck his dick and how his hologram might taste. Bruce will be appearing on an upcoming E! reality show of his own detailing his surgeries and journey into womanhood. It’d be beautiful if it weren’t so viscerally disturbing and cynically plotted for cash and attention. Even shit once tasted good.
Photo Credit: E!Entertainment/Youtube
By Lex May 18, 2015 @ 12:47 PM
Stories planted by the Kardashian press team are hammering the point that Kris Jenner is in tears learning that her husband of two decades always wanted to be a real woman. That too was her dream. Kris has been locked in the war room at the Kardashian brothel feverishly planning to regain media attention from her ex-husband who is set to lop off his dick on national television. That’s like Copperfield making the elephant disappear. A game changer. Jenner dispatched the whorelets to the far reaches of the earth to flash their tits and ass and cloud the minds of the weak. Two more weeks of losses and she comes out with a working cock and announces she just took Obama’s daughter’s virginity. The younger one. Kris Jenner doesn’t know how to lose.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex May 11, 2015 @ 12:49 PM
In a stunning turn of events, Kylie Jenner was not super fucking high and eating Popeye’s in her snapchat video, she was simply out of her gourd to be consuming such a mouthwatering Southern biscuit. The hydrogenated margarine really knocks it out of the park.
In her clarification, Kylie Jenner also insisted that the popular notion that she’s not in school is simply a myth perpetrated by the hater media that has made her rich and famous because that’s just how hateful they are.. Being seventeen she still goes to school daily as evidenced by the complete lack of documentation to that claim and the thousand of images of her cavorting online and hanging out around town during the weekdays. Though some photos of her fucking guys who used to play high school ball are said to be locked away in the Kardashian extortion closet. Kylie claims to be excited for her high school graduation next month. I hope the family pays the extra for the color version of the diploma template at Kinko’s. Education is in the eye of the beholder. Nobody asks to review your transcript while they’re fucking you for money.
Video credit: Kylie Jenner/Instagram