By Lex February 20, 2014 @ 1:55 PM
Add author to the list of occupations you can gainfully and ironically pursue as an illiterate teenager. Kylie and Kendall Jenner’s new futuristic young adult novel, Rebels: City of Indra, will be out just in time for beach reading season. Even with spellcheck these sisterly brainiacs couldn’t properly pen the written word ‘City’, so I’m going to go ahead and guess this ‘dystopian landscaped novel’ just might be the work of a ghost writer. The story follows two girls fighting for their right to rock awesome summer tees and experiment with fellatio on black celebrities in the not too distant future. Where these two walking Fleshlights find writing time in their busy schedule of not going to school and part-time modeling is anybody’s guess. Just know they are inspiring so many other girls right now to do the same. Which is very good news for guys who don’t like to work too hard to get laid.
Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner/Instagram
By Lex February 07, 2014 @ 2:25 PM
Intellectually challenged teens who drop out of school and don’t have jobs have a high propensity for doing incredibly stupid things with their free time. Take for instance Kylie Jenner. She’s got free days. She found her way over to Justin Bieber’s house to hang out with his freshly drug-arrested little buddy, Lil Za. Kylie did as she’s been trained since birth and shared her private moments with Bieber’s impossibly even shorter drug connect on Instagram. That got Kris Jenner all pissed off because Kylie knows better than to go down on a boy without a commercial sponsor. Still, mom couldn’t hide the pride she had in her daughter for finding a miscreant black entertainer to bone in famous Justin Bieber’s house just like an all grown up Kardashian.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack February 05, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Kylie Jenner was rushed to the emergency room after she smashed her face on a trampoline. Apparently, she had the thoughtful idea to bounce on a trampoline with her robust sister Khloe when she ate it and was rushed to the emergency room. It’s unclear if she really hurt herself or is just being dramatic for the E! cameras that follow her everywhere like a chlamydia virus. If only Kylie had stayed in school for the double digit grades she might have had the opportunity to learn Newton’s Third Law about actions causing equal and opposite reactions. As in, Khloe comes down, you go way the fuck up. Into orbit potentially if you’re under seven stones in weight. The family is anxiously awaiting word how this facial injury might affect Kylie’s future as an off-Strip party girl in Vegas. For her part, Khloe is wondering how she worked herself into the butt of the perfect fat girl joke once more.
By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 5:06 PM
Outside of a chunky tranny with a fetish for butt sex in constrictive clothing, it’s hard to imagine who would want to trade identities with Kim Kardashian. I guess the answer is Luis Flores. Jr., an ambitious teenager in Florida who was using Kim’s personal credentials to order replacement credit cards and raid her bank account. This same precocious teen was also stealing from Michelle Obama and Bill Gates and Joe Biden, none of which is as risky as getting between a Kardashian and her cash. Authorities became suspicious when large dollar wire transfers from Kris Jenner started showing up in Flores’ Florida bank without any reason to believe he was one of the people around the world being paid off by Kris to cover up disturbing Kardashian family scandals. The kids mom is also going to jail for helping him cover up his crimes. In a way, a very nice homage to the Kardashian family. Now, Kim has her identity back, which from photos appears to weigh about 25 extra pounds, and Luis Flores Jr. will have plenty of time to consider how fucking Kim is free, but fucking her over costs you three years in lockup.
By Travis January 30, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Kylie Jenner is still two years away from following in her sisters’ footsteps and either posting a tit picture of herself on Instagram or making a sex tape with Brandy’s rapper brother, but she’s still proving to be capable of learning the Kardashian/Jenner way. Kylie showed up at a Pepsi Super Bowl party last night with teen pop star Austin Mahone, who didn’t get the memo on dating down. Still, it’s pretty remarkable that the 16-year old Jenner sibling is the most likable right now, between Khloe driving her husband to smoking crack, Kourtney making up airplane fights for attention and Kim trying to prove she’s mom of the year by hypnotizing everyone with her breasts. Oh, and don’t forget Bruce Jenner, who is apparently turning into a woman. Yes indeed, the most normal person in the family right now is Kylie.
Photo Credits: Joel Ginsburg/WENN.com
By Lex January 22, 2014 @ 1:59 PM
When the uncannily creative producers at E! invented the real life situation of Kendall and Kylie Jenner getting racy tattoos, even Kris Jenner knew her girls couldn’t get inked permanently. Not for E! money. When those girls get branded someday, it’s going to be by the man who pays their posting fee in the tens of millions of dollars. Probably a wealthy oil sheik, a pedophile who invented a wildly successful iPhone app, or maybe Joe Francis. Rest assured, when they get their ‘Bitch Be Owned By…” tattoos, it won’t be for basic cable cash.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter