Let’s Say Nice Things About Kylie Jenner in a Bikini

By Lex March 26, 2014 @ 12:28 PM

Kylie Jenner In A Bikini Poolside
There will be some among you who say that a young high school dropout already obsessed with public recognition over her still developing body probably has a shaky future ahead. I think those people are being rather generous. My disabling ADD and laziness disease combo have never allowed me to perform a longitudinal study of any kind, but I’m guessing if you track these underaged Instagram showgirls over time, you will find abnormally high rates of eating disorders, drug and alcohol addictions, and deadliest of all, E! spinoff reality shows. I’m not saying these young women would be better off being culled and euthanized as if they were genetically inferior breeding partners at the Copenhagen Zoo, but I am saying we should at least have that discussion.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner/Instagram

Kylie Jenner And Hailey Baldwin Elated

By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 3:49 PM

Kylie Jenner And Hailey Baldwin Hang Out In Bikinis
You won’t believe what happens next when two high school dropout models hear Chao Lin-Kuo confirm the Cosmic Inflation Theory for retired Professor Andrei Linde. Yeah, I don’t know, they went shopping or some shit.

Photo Credit: Hailey Baldwin, Kylie Jenner/Instagram

Kylie Tries On Kim’s Bikini, That Can’t Be Healthy

By Lex March 13, 2014 @ 3:59 PM

Kylie Jenner Posts Bikini Photos To Instagram
In a more hygienic society, we wouldn’t merely remind restaurant employees to lave sus manos and we’d burn anything that touched Kim Kardashian’s vagina. That would include wardrobe, as well as a large swath of the African-American celebrity and professional sports community. I have to imagine Kylie Jenner at sixteen remains still slightly pure for a Kardashian. Meaning, when you add her number of abortions plus the number of times her mom urged her to do something genuinely uncomfortable in front of a camera for money, she can still tally it on her fingers. I know Kylie wants to be just like her older half-sister who has made it big in both the world of high stakes hooking and handbag sales, but she might consider a lye and vinegar disinfectant boil before picking Kim’s bikini up off the floor and pulling it onto her bare flesh. A virus doesn’t know you’re just playing dress up.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner / Instagram

Kylie and Kendall Jenner Are Literati

By Lex February 20, 2014 @ 1:55 PM

Add author to the list of occupations you can gainfully and ironically pursue as an illiterate teenager. Kylie and Kendall Jenner’s new futuristic young adult novel, Rebels: City of Indra, will be out just in time for beach reading season. Even with spellcheck these sisterly brainiacs couldn’t properly pen the written word ‘City’, so I’m going to go ahead and guess this ‘dystopian landscaped novel’ just might be the work of a ghost writer. The story follows two girls fighting for their right to rock awesome summer tees and experiment with fellatio on black celebrities in the not too distant future. Where these two walking Fleshlights find writing time in their busy schedule of not going to school and part-time modeling is anybody’s guess. Just know they are inspiring so many other girls right now to do the same. Which is very good news for guys who don’t like to work too hard to get laid.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner/Instagram

Kylie Jenner Is Getting So Grown Up

By Lex February 07, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Kylie Jenner Hanging Out With Lil Za
Intellectually challenged teens who drop out of school and don’t have jobs have a high propensity for doing incredibly stupid things with their free time. Take for instance Kylie Jenner. She’s got free days. She found her way over to Justin Bieber’s house to hang out with his freshly drug-arrested little buddy, Lil Za. Kylie did as she’s been trained since birth and shared her private moments with Bieber’s impossibly even shorter drug connect on Instagram. That got Kris Jenner all pissed off because Kylie knows better than to go down on a boy without a commercial sponsor. Still, mom couldn’t hide the pride she had in her daughter for finding a miscreant black entertainer to bone in famous Justin Bieber’s house just like an all grown up Kardashian.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Did You Hear the One About the Girl Who Went Trampolining With Khloe Kardashian?

By Jack February 05, 2014 @ 1:37 PM

Kylie Jenner was rushed to the emergency room after she smashed her face on a trampoline. Apparently, she had the thoughtful idea to bounce on a trampoline with her robust sister Khloe when she ate it and was rushed to the emergency room. It’s unclear if she really hurt herself or is just being dramatic for the E! cameras that follow her everywhere like a chlamydia virus. If only Kylie had stayed in school for the double digit grades she might have had the opportunity to learn Newton’s Third Law about actions causing equal and opposite reactions. As in, Khloe comes down, you go way the fuck up. Into orbit potentially if you’re under seven stones in weight.  The family is anxiously awaiting word how this facial injury might affect Kylie’s future as an off-Strip party girl in Vegas. For her part, Khloe is wondering how she worked herself into the butt of the perfect fat girl joke once more.