Kylie Jenner’s Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman Whore

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

Kylie Jenner In Daisy Dukes Leaving Sugarfish In Calabasas
Kylie Jenner finds it insulting that people insist she’s had plastic surgery just because she comes from a family obsessed with plastic surgery, mom, dad, sisters, I think the dog had a scrotal tuck. Also because even though she’s only how ever many fake years old, she looks pretty different than she did a year or two ago. Some website went to the trouble of documenting the change in the size of her lips, which I guess isn’t technically surgery, just collagen injections or rubbing poison ivy plucked from Khloe’s fresh dung onto your lips to make them ducky.

It really is easy to forget Kylie is just sixteen. You know, given that she’s been out of school for two years, is a TV star, has multiple merchandising lines, and tools around in her luxury SUV, Still, I can’t help recall the time Kim went on some stupid TV show to get x-rays to prove she didn’t have butt implants. No, just the tender blubber of slaughtered baby narwhals shot into her ass like so many black athletes looking to add their name to the list. A bit of the parsing of words, or as the Kardashians call them, those letters altogether thingees. I’d judge Kylie more if I wasn’t staring at her under-aged ass, which while perfectly legals, still seems pretty damn creepy. I like to think this is a safe place to share.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Let’s Say Nice Things About Kylie Jenner in a Bikini

By Lex March 26, 2014 @ 12:28 PM

Kylie Jenner In A Bikini Poolside
There will be some among you who say that a young high school dropout already obsessed with public recognition over her still developing body probably has a shaky future ahead. I think those people are being rather generous. My disabling ADD and laziness disease combo have never allowed me to perform a longitudinal study of any kind, but I’m guessing if you track these underaged Instagram showgirls over time, you will find abnormally high rates of eating disorders, drug and alcohol addictions, and deadliest of all, E! spinoff reality shows. I’m not saying these young women would be better off being culled and euthanized as if they were genetically inferior breeding partners at the Copenhagen Zoo, but I am saying we should at least have that discussion.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner/Instagram

Kylie Jenner And Hailey Baldwin Elated

By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 3:49 PM

Kylie Jenner And Hailey Baldwin Hang Out In Bikinis
You won’t believe what happens next when two high school dropout models hear Chao Lin-Kuo confirm the Cosmic Inflation Theory for retired Professor Andrei Linde. Yeah, I don’t know, they went shopping or some shit.

Photo Credit: Hailey Baldwin, Kylie Jenner/Instagram

Kylie Tries On Kim’s Bikini, That Can’t Be Healthy

By Lex March 13, 2014 @ 3:59 PM

Kylie Jenner Posts Bikini Photos To Instagram
In a more hygienic society, we wouldn’t merely remind restaurant employees to lave sus manos and we’d burn anything that touched Kim Kardashian’s vagina. That would include wardrobe, as well as a large swath of the African-American celebrity and professional sports community. I have to imagine Kylie Jenner at sixteen remains still slightly pure for a Kardashian. Meaning, when you add her number of abortions plus the number of times her mom urged her to do something genuinely uncomfortable in front of a camera for money, she can still tally it on her fingers. I know Kylie wants to be just like her older half-sister who has made it big in both the world of high stakes hooking and handbag sales, but she might consider a lye and vinegar disinfectant boil before picking Kim’s bikini up off the floor and pulling it onto her bare flesh. A virus doesn’t know you’re just playing dress up.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner / Instagram

Kylie and Kendall Jenner Are Literati

By Lex February 20, 2014 @ 1:55 PM

Add author to the list of occupations you can gainfully and ironically pursue as an illiterate teenager. Kylie and Kendall Jenner’s new futuristic young adult novel, Rebels: City of Indra, will be out just in time for beach reading season. Even with spellcheck these sisterly brainiacs couldn’t properly pen the written word ‘City’, so I’m going to go ahead and guess this ‘dystopian landscaped novel’ just might be the work of a ghost writer. The story follows two girls fighting for their right to rock awesome summer tees and experiment with fellatio on black celebrities in the not too distant future. Where these two walking Fleshlights find writing time in their busy schedule of not going to school and part-time modeling is anybody’s guess. Just know they are inspiring so many other girls right now to do the same. Which is very good news for guys who don’t like to work too hard to get laid.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner/Instagram

Kylie Jenner Is Getting So Grown Up

By Lex February 07, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Kylie Jenner Hanging Out With Lil Za
Intellectually challenged teens who drop out of school and don’t have jobs have a high propensity for doing incredibly stupid things with their free time. Take for instance Kylie Jenner. She’s got free days. She found her way over to Justin Bieber’s house to hang out with his freshly drug-arrested little buddy, Lil Za. Kylie did as she’s been trained since birth and shared her private moments with Bieber’s impossibly even shorter drug connect on Instagram. That got Kris Jenner all pissed off because Kylie knows better than to go down on a boy without a commercial sponsor. Still, mom couldn’t hide the pride she had in her daughter for finding a miscreant black entertainer to bone in famous Justin Bieber’s house just like an all grown up Kardashian.

Photo Credit: Instagram