Kylie Jenner Drops $2.7 Million on Her Teen Hideaway

By Lex February 24, 2015 @ 9:36 AM

Kylie-Jenner-New-Home
I don’t care if you’re seventeen or whatever Kim’s age is in whore years. These Kardashian girls earn their paychecks because they sell shit that people with narrow brain stems want to purchase. That couldn’t be more American if Kris Jenner had tramp stamped each of her baby girls with the stars and stripes and the slogan Fuck My Yankee Doodle Candy. Kylie Jenner just bought the $2.7 million dollar house in Calabasas where she’s like to be found pregnant and strung out in 2018. That’s just good planning. Ignore the haters who went to high school on a false promise, Kylie. They’d trade places with you in a second. Young, big tits, rapper dick, top line booze and drugs, nice clothes, vacations around the world. The merry-go-round stops at some point, but why not yell ‘whee!’ with your ass hanging out of your shorts while people will still pay to see. I just defended a Kardashian. Fuck you. I’m going to that house warming party.

Photo Credit: Realtor.com/PacSun

Kylie Jenner Coming Into Her Powers

By Lex February 10, 2015 @ 10:56 AM

Kylie Jenner Exerciser Her Power LB
After deciding to skip high school to roll around in her Mercedes and bang older dudes, Kylie Jenner is only now coming to realize she’s not like other girls. For one, her tits are bigger. But that’s not her only super power. When you’re moving millions in perfumes and lipstick and your mom is the Dark Lord’s main dry hump, the toadies who surround you will do whatever the fuck you want. LMAO. You desire green clovers and blue diamonds, darling. Rub your nipples purposefully while you stare at the second most powerful person in the room. Chop chop, here’s your Charms. One day you won’t be able to fly. Until such time, circle Metro City and drizzle your dump on the plebes.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kendall Jenner Topless With Somebody Else’s Tits

By Lex February 06, 2015 @ 9:51 AM

Kendall Jenner Covered Topless For Love Magazine
I thought the Supreme Court or the Justice League or Alyssa Milano’s mom made it illegal to put fake bare tits on the faces of famous people. Maybe the law states that if you get paid in fat dollars the commandos can’t bust in through the windows and confiscate the printing presses. I’m not sure who green-lit this abomination. You had the world’s most famous porn family on the clock for eight hours and you went and warped up all their pay worthy bits. Who is this for exactly? The Kardashians are the human equivalent of 7-Eleven frozen burritos. You don’t art them up. You shove them in your mouth when you’re drunk at 3am and await the painful shit. Somebody needs to get fired. Or killed. There’s never a fatwa around when you need it.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Kylie Jenner Goes Blond

By Lex February 04, 2015 @ 8:55 AM

Kylie Jenner Goes Blonde For Love Magazine
Kylie Jenner never had the chance for high school. This blond fucktoy avatar will stand as her glory days trophy. The moment she’ll rehash obsessively in the Haven Pines community room. How many women can say there was a time when they were seventeen and the entire world wanted to fuck them, deflate them, and put them back into the closet. Like ten, maybe twelve. Take it in, Kylie. The pinnacle. Ignore that downslope yonder. You have a few more hours yet. Pack a sandwich.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kylie Jenner Pregnant Again

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 8:56 AM

Kylie-Jenner-Selling-Hair-Product
According to sources about as credible as the Kardashians themselves, Kylie Jenner is pregnant by her statutory raping rapper boyfriend. This is the third time reports have come out of the underaged daughter being knocked up. It’s not a horrible assumption given her family tree feeds¬†almost entirely on hip hop jism. She’s seventeen, a high school dropout, and her parents are absentee slash changing genders and sacrificing local woodland mammals on a Satanic altar in exchange for cursed gold.¬†It’s all there. But if Lifetime movies and reading the entries of morose teen girls on How I Lost My Virginity blogs has taught us anything, don’t be so quick to judge the neighborhood slut. She might just be the victim of a bad reputation. Remember when Michael Brown turned out to be a sweet kid who just wanted to study found object art in college? Let’s wait until this manufactured whorelet pushes out her first bastard baby before we start the name calling, you know, officially.

Photo credit: Splash News

Kylie Jenner Won’t Be Put in the Corner

By Lex January 08, 2015 @ 11:38 AM

Kylie Jenner Is Not Getting Enough Attention
According to anonymous sources for Life and Style magazine, which equates to the legitimacy of Bubbles in The Wire, Kylie Jenner is pissed her mom is pushing her toward plastic surgery so she can be pretty like her older sisters. It’s probably bullshit, but within the realm of nasty exploitative shrew like behavior that does character her mother. So 50-50.

Kylie has responded by publishing increasingly racy pictures of her underaged tits and trying to look dark and brooding like her hero, Angelina Jolie. Including an addiction to lip injections. Which may or may not be true. Though it is true her lips are spontaneously growing. Kylie says it’s a natural result of her getting older because stupid people just assume other people process information in her similarly stunted manner. Fuck, this entire thing is stupid. Just stare at her yabbos until she’s eighteen and does something magnificent with them.

Photo Credit: Instagram