By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
Given that they have no connection to Canada or the music world, it made sense that teen author sensations Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner would come without underwear to host the 2014 Much Music Video Awards in Toronto. Much Music is the crappy version of MTV in Canada, except they still show music videos instead of high schoolers dying from drugs and ectopic pregnancies. The girls were lauded for their improved ability to read the cue cards and for showing off enough teenage skin to send a principal to jail if his nosy secretary found it on his computer. When you arrive at the intersection of insipid pop culture and commercialized sexuality, you are certain to find a Kardashian in a short skirt insisting that you’re obliged to tell them if you’re a cop or not.
Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 04, 2014 @ 12:12 PM
Rebels: City Of Indra: The Story Of Lex And Livia. From their innovative use of two colons in the title, to their groundbreaking rip off of so many girl power modern tween fantasy action series, the Jenner girls are now officially authors. I think they once previously published a pamphlet on the inherent dangers of coitus interruptus with non-wealthy boyfriends, but this is their first official novel to be released. It’s been two years in the making. Books don’t just write themselves. The early literary reviews have been quite negative, but that’s only because people are judging them on the content of their work, rather than the amount of teenage flesh their using to promote it. You don’t need to tell a Kardashian that if you’ve got crap to sell, change the story to your tits. You know this from first grade when your show and tell isn’t going well and your mom is off to the side urging you to flash your cunny to the boys. I predict this book sells very well. But only because the last five hundred Kardashian products have sold very well. I’m good with patterns.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash
By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
At first glance, it could be pretty alarming that Justin Bieber, who is 20, was hanging out at the Rainbow Bar on the Sunset Strip with 16-year old Kylie Jenner. But it’s also a restaurant as much as it’s a bar, so the two of them could have just been sharing a milkshake and some french fries while they stared lovingly into each other’s eyes and thought about all of the fun they can have in two years, when she’s of legal sex tape age and he’s probably in the middle of a huge downward spiral. There’s also a chance that this was just a business meeting and Justin isn’t nailing the youngest Kardashian, because a guy named John Shahidi was there, and he created an app called Shots that lets morons share their selfies in a new way. Taking a picture and posting it directly to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram? That shit is so last year. It’s all about adding an unnecessary middle man now.
Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner’s Twitter
By Lex May 19, 2014 @ 6:21 PM
Think of Kylie Jenner, and the Will Smith dunderhead kids and this Moises Arias bratpack leader as those for whom Scientology and Instagram just ins’t providing answers to key questions such as Why Am I Here, Am I In Control of My Destiny, and Why Does My Sister Get the Mercedes While I Get Stuck With the Range Rover. Apparently, these kids are so thirsty for the kind of knowledge you can’t get in a stupid school house, they’ve formed their own mini religion, the Orgonite Society, following the teachings of cult leader Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.
Jaden has really dived headfirst into this radical movement. He thinks he is a ‘philosopher’ and Willow is just as into it
Like most cult leaders, Rajneesh writes a lot of books that the children of wealthy parents can buy for $19.95 and pretend they’re tuned into something greater than their fellow mall rats. Meanwhile, Rajneesh bangs the snot out the not fat cult members and gets all the good drugs. Also, his group back in 1984 kinda sorta contaminated local restaurant salad bars with salmonella because their pyramid crystals told them get that shit done. The actor kids in Calabasas lack the ambition for much plotting, plus they don’t dine at midscale restaurants with salad bars, so mostly count on lots of Jaden Smith tweets about knowledge, Willow Smith talking about how her kid body belongs to the Tree Gods and occasionally 20-year old Moises Arias, and Kylie Jenner getting her nails done on camera. The latter is more about funding. Every cult needs a Tom Cruise to bankroll the picnics.
It’s hard to see how this all could go horribly wrong. Sorry, I mean, it’s hard to see how we will give a shit when this inevitably all goes horribly wrong.
By Lex May 13, 2014 @ 12:42 PM
Still waiting for Jada Pinkett Smith to publicly assert that there’s no pedophile activity in the latest topless photo between one of her kids and some random ho and/or Kardashian. This time it’s Jaden Smith in just his Calvin’s with Kylie Jenner, the two trainable puppets capturing one of the daily moments from their Lord of the Flies existence in Calabasas. It’s not quite Larry Clark’s Kids up there off the 101, but only because everybody has a lot more money and merchandising deals with Kohl’s. I feel bad for these horny aimless teens. These poor mopes are probably not even having unprotected casual sex because of all the nosy cameramen and production assistants bustling around. It’s hard to imagine what I would have been like if I were 15, 16, a high school dropout with a buttload of spending cash and parents who treated me like I was the total shit. I’m going to go with insufferable asshole. You would have been too. So close the freaking door and let these kids knock each other up without your judgements.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI