Kylie Jenner Probably Married

By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 11:12 AM

Kylie Jenner Has Ring On Her Finger
Kylie Jenner flashed a sizable diamond band on her left ring finger, fueling speculation that she’s not particularly smart but puts out like a champ. The concern for Kylie’s fake high school grad night elopement second only to the concern nobody is expressing for Tyga who is entering a long line of men ruined by the Kardashian family. There’s the allure of seventeen year old stacked sex pot ass play and then there’s the long horizon. I’d chat up Lamar and the corpse of Dead Bob and the former testicles of Bruce Jenner before producing anything in conjugal. Who will look out for the statutory raping rappers, the most vulnerable among us?

Photo Credit: Instagram

Khloe Kardashian Gives Kylie Permission to Fuck Older Men

By Lex July 27, 2015 @ 12:43 PM

Khloe-and-Kylie-Jenner

Khloe Kardashian just gave her little teen sister permission to bang older men and it may be the most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of her mouth.

I think at 16 I was probably fucking someone that was in their 20s, for sure. I wouldn’t say I was even dating, probably just sleeping with them. But again, Kylie is not a normal 17-year-old. You’re not gonna say, ‘Hey, so what are you doing this weekend?’ and have her say, ‘Having a slumber party at my girlfriend’s’ or ‘Going to prom.’ That’s not what Kylie does. Kylie is taking business meetings and bought her first house, or she’s going on a private plane with Karl Lagerfeld to take a meeting. That’s not even what people do in their 30s. It’s a rare circumstance, so let’s treat this as a special case.

Perhaps not a great sign that you can’t remember who you were fucking at sixteen. You’re not the old lady from the Titanic. You’re thirty and unencumbered by deep thoughts, you should have an inkling. Nevertheless, if you get past that first part where you vomit a little, Khloe is able to objectively assess her sister’s psychological slut age, versus the knee-jerkers who cling to the Age of Consent like it descended on tablet from heaven. When Jesus was alive, girls were being married off at twelve years and one day and he didn’t say squat.

This isn’t a debate about First Century A.D. practices or if Stephen Collins’ little neighbor girls are old enough to see his half-hard cock, this is whether or not some seventeen year old girls are mature enough to fuck rappers in their 20′s. If you’re raised to be a working whore since childhood, the odds are you’re going to be pretty fucking savvy by seventeen. Thai hookers are more street smart by puberty than anybody currently running to be President of our nation. Kylie Jenner does own a house, a Mercedes, has a fake high school diploma, and earns in the millions from her numerous commercial deals. You think Kris Jenner and Vagina Dad would make wiser decisions on her behalf? Look at the parents. Look at the girl. At least let her be a skank on her own volition. Fuck, Khloe, now we can’t put you down without wondering if you knew what was happening.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kylie Jenner Graduation Party Hosted By Ryan Seacrest

By Lex July 24, 2015 @ 1:22 PM

Kylie And Kendall Jenner Graduation Party Hosted By Ryan Seacrest
Ryan Seacrest hosted a high school graduation party for Kylie Jenner where he pretended he liked girls and Kylie pretended Laurel Springs is a real place. Laurel Springs High School diplomas are the Hollywood equivalent of becoming a Universal Life Church minister so you can marry your buddy to his girlfriend in Laughlin before the baby shows. Only instead of fifteen bucks and a valid email address this one requires twenty grand and a valid email address.

“Laurel Springs gave me a solid education and the flexibility to continue to film my Nickelodeon TV show, “iCarly,” while establishing my recording career. All my coursework was interesting and challenging and the teachers were great. “– Miranda Cosgrove, proud Laurel Springs alum.

At the graduation party, Kylie herself was quick to point out that graduation was not an end to her education, but a stepping stone to a life of learning. Then somebody added ‘… about big black cock’ and everybody had a good laugh and used the Laurel Springs diploma to roll a blunt. Consider the Arthur Ashe Courage Award 2016 already sewn up.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kylie Jenner Tits and Thoughts (VIDEO)

By Lex July 20, 2015 @ 2:25 PM

Remember when so-and-so died and then we all wished somebody had recorded his collective wisdom before he vanished? I’m not letting that happen with Kylie Jenner. Don’t believe the glossy tit bunny on parade public persona. This seventeen year old self-educated author and marketing savant is working her deep thoughts on the down low. You have to dive into her late night snapchats to get a true sense of Ayn Rand meets Emily Dickinson meets the escort who fucked Elliot Spitzer then turned in his bad check because whores think poorly. Get your shine on girl. The sperm bucket moniker isn’t a weight, it’s a catapult.

Photo Credit: Snapchat

Rue Not Done Calling Out White Chicks Yet

By Lex July 13, 2015 @ 8:57 AM

Kylie-Jenner-with-cornrows

Rue from the Hunger Games has made it her mission to denounce young white celebrities trying to mimic the black culture. She’s Heimdall at the gates of the cultural misappropriation Bifröst. Nothing gets by her. Unless she’s napping. Or smoking ganja. That’s so Heimdall. Stenberg’s been perfecting her future black studies college thesis by ordering Kylie Jenner not to act black.

amandla-stenberg-calls-out-kylie-jenner

If Stenberg told Jenner not to act like a skeevy brainless teen tit whore, she’d have about as much luck. Though she’d be more on point. I’m sure it sucks to have Armenian junior sex trolls poaching your eligible bachelors like Tyga and adding insult to injury by posting pictures of themselves in cornrows with cutesy ebonic quips. The Italian-Americans are still reeling from Snooki and The Situation repping the Guido landscape. Southerners are suffering at the hands of forty-seven reality show on television involving fat men in waders. It’s called, getting rich and being famous. The media culture dominates all others. A Kardashian would fuck a bull elephant in full musth on national television if the numbers looked right.

Dearest Rue, rejoice in the fact that suburban white teens are throwing their money at black culture. Don’t be that fussy bottom who thinks the words ‘sell out’ means something in the face of real loot. This will make tons more sense to you when you’re no longer in school. Also, it’s you and your, not u and ur. Just saying. Don’t make it so easy for whitey to imitate.

Photo credit: Instagram accounts of these braniacs

Kylie Jenner Has a Plan, Two Plans

By Lex July 10, 2015 @ 10:01 AM

Kylie Jenner Cleavage Flash In White Jumpsuit
A Kardashian girl does not give up her man without a fight. If the underaged pussy don’t keep the around, how about this anime blow up sex toy bit? The next step is henpecking and planting mental health and drug stories in the press. It’s inevitable. Enjoy the tit phases while it lasts. Nobody says statutory rape was going to be easy, just super fun. We need an island for horrible people. The good looking chicks can be in the part with all the secret cameras. Release the ravenous monkey-bears. Why not figure out girl-girl anal, we’re all about to die.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI