Lady Gaga Accepts Her Fat

By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 7:07 AM

Lady Gaga Proud Of Body On Instagram
Lady Gaga posted some swimsuit pics to Instagram that were either normal amounts of unflattering or really fucking unflattering. Gaga received negative comments for a few in particular which sort of just portrayed herself the way she looked before binging on craft services. She took to her defense with an empowering message of self acceptance:

“So what if I got a belly sometimes, sometimes I don’t. There’s people starving in the world. #whocares”

Are you supposed to answer hashtags? Obviously, you care, under the whoever smelt it dealt it rule of reasoning. Also, the starving people of the world probably care that you’re double fisting Yoplaits while they’re feeding their kids tree bark and pretending it’s soy chicken.

Later Gaga couldn’t stop with just one nitwit piece of fat guilt tripping, so she threw in another platitude for dessert:

“#bodyrevolution Proud at any size, because the inside is what really counts, Plus, it’s all how you pose! just ask the supermodels!”

Now I’m just confused. If I were one of the Little Monsters, I wouldn’t know whether to cut my forearm or eat a ham sandwich. The last thing you want is one million unguided teen outcasts. It might be good for the pharmaceutical industry. Not so much for peace and tranquility at the piercing counter. Personally, I could care less if Lady Gaga is getting fat. It just makes it easier to catch up to her and tell her how much I hate her music.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lady Gaga Isn’t Fat This Week

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:17 AM

Lady Gaga Posts A Booty Photo To Instagram
Would a fat woman post a picture of her ass like this to Instagram? I think not. The most important thing is that Lady Gaga is not letting the gossip and stubby finger pointing about her weight gain get to her. Like she tells her Little Monsters, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Don’t let bullies keep you from being the best King Joffrey looking little cutter with a raccoon henna tattoo you can be. Though, if you can contort your body enough and get the camera in just the right light and angle to make your ass look not so zaftig, you can still show the haters how wrong they are.

Photo Credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram

Lady Gaga Pantless In Melbourne

By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 11:21 AM

Lady Gaga Goes Pantless Out In Melbourne
When in doubt, pull your pants down. I can’t think of an instance where it hurts. It often helps. If you happen to be a flailing pop star with scary doll face, just leave them off. Putt around Melbourne for a while and see if people don’t start declaring that Lady Gaga is back! It’ll be Australian accents, which nullifies the rest of the world from taking it seriously, but it’s still got to salve the open wound of a failing album and the onset of chub rub.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Just Give Lou Gehrig Your Fucking Money Already (VIDEO)

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 8:57 AM

Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.

Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!

Lady Gaga Is Morphing

By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 10:52 AM

Lady Gaga Closes Her ArtRave Tour In Vancouver
I’m not sure what Lady Gaga turns into when she bursts out of her pupae, but I’m going to guess one very fat butterfly with floppy butterfly tits. Whatever they pay the team of eunuchs who re-costume Lady Gaga in between numbers, it’s not nearly enough. As her body continues to slide into Bosc shape, Sstretching those nylons and nettings and boudoir Spandex around her frame becomes an increasingly hazardous occupation. You get your finger caught in that Chinese trap and it’s not coming back. Ever. You’d have a safer workplace on a remote North Sea oil platform. You know, if you didn’t mind being gang raped each night after shift.

At the end of the day, looks aren’t want brings in the audience for Lady Gaga. It’s mostly social retardation and hallucinogens. Her army of cutters and anxiety medicated Breakfast Clubbers won’t abandon her simply because she’s slowly morphing into the Mayor of Toronto. They will abandon her because she keeps producing the same song over and over again.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Lady Gaga Might Have Ebola

By Matt August 08, 2014 @ 6:02 AM


Lady Gaga was hospitalized for altitude sickness after her show in Denver. On the scale of bullshit music industry medical code ‘altitude ‘sickeness’ is pretty high. Dehydration means you are unable to find drugs and Exhaustion means you found the drugs far too easily. Altitude Sickness either means Gaga is trying to get attention because her album tanked or she is on the verge of a very dramatic music industry death. I guess you could root for both. The upside down oxygen mask leads me to lean toward stunt.

Altitude sickness occurs at extreme heights. People don’t keel over at Cheesecake Factory in Denver. Old ass tourists visit the Coors Brewery every day, get shit faced, and don’t require treatment. The fucking Broncos play pro football in Denver. If Peyton Manning can rack up 400 yards in a game there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to change costumes and waddle. Gaga isn’t even half way through her flailing tour. At this rate she’ll be singing her lesbian tinged Madonna rip offs from the casing of an iron lung by Minneapolis. Talented musicians have the decency to die at 27. Lady Gaga is going to be that turd that forever circles the bowl, but never flushes.

Photo Credit: Twitter