Lady Gaga Isn’t Depressed Anymore

By Lex February 13, 2014 @ 2:19 PM

Lady Gaga In The March 2014 Issue Of Harper's Bazaar
After that good cry she had on New Year’s Day where she reminded herself that her awesomeness is more important than petty fighting, Lady Gaga has returned to doing what she does best, absurdist airbrushed photos of herself in stupid outfits. Sometimes she’s naked. I call this the tolerable moments. But mostly she’s just being her awesome self assisting trannies decide what women’s cutting edge fashions would look best on them. Some people are calling Lady Gaga the next Yoko Ono. This seems about right.

Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar

Lady Gaga Almost Forgot How Fucking Awesome She Is

By Lex February 06, 2014 @ 5:38 PM

R Kelly And Lady Gaga Perform Onstage At The 2013 American Music Awards

2013 was a tough year for Lady Gaga. If you discount the $50 million she got paid to share John Travolta’s tranny closet, it was a shitty twelve months. Lady Gaga had so many Twitter battles and fights with her gays that by the end of the year, she couldn’t even feel her own heartbeat. I’m not sure anybody can feel their own heartbeat, but not everybody is Lady Gaga. She can sense her organs at work. She can feel her ovaries producing reptilian eggs. When the cardiac muscle went quiet, she knew she was suffering from a super bad case of the rich white girl problems.

“January 1, I woke up, started crying again, and I looked in the mirror and said, ‘I know you don’t want to fight. I know you think you can’t, but you’ve done this before. I know it hurts, but you won’t survive this depression.’… I learned that my sadness never destroyed what was great about me. You just have to go back to that greatness, find that one little light that’s left. I’m lucky I found one little glimmer stored away.”

Hey, sometimes you have to face yourself in the mirror to honestly assess your own awesomeness. If not for yourself, Gaga, then for the world. Scrape that fairy dust off you from your many eccentric artist fights and get back to being the greatest great person ever in the history of great. You really can’t start recovery until you hit your highest manic heights. I say she’s all cured now. Or jumping naked off the Brooklyn Bridge by March. You never know where that little light will take you.

Lady Gaga And Donatella Versace Welcome Travelers to Their Haunted Crypt

By Lex January 20, 2014 @ 1:42 PM

Lady Gaga And Donatella Versace Arrive At A Fashion Show In Paris
I’m not much into omens, but when these two ladies of the dark bid you welcome into their stone temple, I’d run the other way and cover myself in juniper leaves. Lady Gaga’s makeup artist managed to cake her into looking like the sister chosen to seduce the wayward traveler into the coven, where that hapless soul would find Donatella Versace and the blood curdling cries of the devil’s feast. Some would call it a Versace fashion show, the handful of survivors won’t be able to speak its name allowed.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Lady Gaga Looked Ridiculous At The Golden Globes

By Travis January 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Does Lady Gaga’s shameless demand for attention know no bounds? The singer showed up to the Golden Globes last night in perhaps the most outrageous and offensive costume that she has ever worn, and it’s really just pathetic, the lengths she’ll go to in order to shock and offend us with her so-called “art”. An elegant gold dress and wavy blonde hair? Who the fuck does this woman think she is to constantly hijack these shows with her pathetic antics? She’ a pantsuit and Toyota Camry away from becoming the most vile and despicable attention whore on this planet.

Photo Credits: Getty

Lady Gaga Distancing Herself from R. Kelly

By Lex January 03, 2014 @ 5:36 PM

Lady Gaga Poses Topless But Covered For A Versace Ad
Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for a woman to launch a bawdy sexualized song with a known defiler of underaged girls. Lady Gaga probably didn’t give a shit until her new album tanked in sales simultaneous to the uproar over R. Kelly’s pissing on pubescent girls came back into the media spotlight. Such is the whimsical nature of creating art with sex offenders. Lady Gaga’s P.R. machine, along with her desperately bleeding cash record label, got Christina Aguilera to re-do ‘Do What U Want’ taking over R. Kelly’s role in the duet with Lady Gaga. They released it on iTunes and are mostly hoping people forget about the R. Kelly intercourse version showcased on SNL and at the American Music Awards.

“When I heard she [Christina] wanted to collaborate, I said of course! She’s such an innovative artist and a risk taker. And as a fellow female, I have so much respect for that.”  – Lady Gaga pretending to tell a truth

Yes, of course she wanted to collaborate, after she got offered lots of money to make people forget about the dude who used to arrange underaged sex shows in his condo. I didn’t really need a new version of this crappy song to make me forget about the two month old version of the crappy song. I’m guessing we’re not likely now to ever see the provocative music video Terry Richardson was creating for the R. Kelly and Lady Gaga version. I wonder if they sampled the crying girls from Chicago. That’s so Artpop!

Photo Credit: Versace

Lady Gaga Has Fallen And She Can’t Get Up

By Lex December 16, 2013 @ 5:40 PM

Everybody wants to know why the social outcasts from The Breakfast Club aren’t buying Lady Gaga’s new album. It’s so bad that when I searched Lady Gaga backdoor cucumber BDSM penetration, I got articles about how ARTPOP sucks and how Interscope is going to have to fire a large number of angry short people because they’re losing so much money on the album. Everybody in Gaga’s inner-circle has ditched her like rats fleeing a really unattractive Titanic. Did Gaga foretell her own future by posing crawling across the floor in a bikini while R. Kelly subjugates her beneath his prophylactic diaper? It would be a better story if Fame or Celebrity or German Measles killed Lady Gaga, you know, rather than just a really crappy album without radio play songs.