By Lex December 04, 2014 @ 8:34 AM
Howard Stern doesn’t seem like the radio show where you confess to beng raped by a record producer as a young music artist. Almost all young music artists have been raped by record producers, but most don’t come out with it in front of Baba Booey. The music industry is littered with humorless outcasts who polite society has left behind. The ones with music talent start rock bands the ones without talent work the business side raping the rock bands. Figuratively, literally, anally. It’s an angry incestuous soap opera featuring really short guys in really fancy cars.
The Lady Gaga persona annoys most people who don’t favor vamp theatrics and flamboyant costumery. But there’s never really been anything personally buggy about Stefani whatever her real name is. She’s a performance artist. She’s good at it. I admire the part where she tells Howard she didn’t share her story before because she didn’t want everybody suggesting all of her creative anger and doleful verses were simply about her rape. Even though eighty-three percent of them are. Including Swine, the one she performed while on a mechanical bull playing drums as another performance artist puked paint on her during South by Southwest. It was like Splash Mountain, for cutters.
Lady Gaga won’t name the guy in the music business who raped her, but it wouldn’t hurt to grab up half the dudes in the industry, dress them in some ‘I Bitch Slapped Muhammad’ Beefy T’s, and air drop them into the ISIS hot zone. Reasonable chance we get the right guy. Either way, the birds sing just a little bit sweeter the next morning.
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:59 AM
When we talk shit about Europe, we’re really talking about France. The snide surrender monkeys who embody every snotty asshole in every 80′s John Hughes movie. If I could build a giant fist, I’d punch them all in their collective black turtlenecks. Barring that, we sent them Lady Gaga. She’s been moping around Paris the past several days like the chick so disillusioned with existence she quit the Goth club at school via Twitter. The French are only now re-visiting Lascaux and realizing how much Gaga resembles the Paleolithic vision of the angry forest deity who burns children’s eyes for cringing at her horrific looks. When she starts spewing lava from her ass there’s no amount of cleavage that will keep her from being referred to as one of the seventeen French names for God’s punishment for accepting Western capitalism.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 8:36 AM
Lady Gaga got another ode to her monster fan meme tattooed near her tits so that men would reflexively be forced to see it. The singer only inks the left hemisphere of her frame, saving the right side for self-injuring cigarette burns and future organ donor markups. This whole Mother Monster and Little Monster online relationship could easily have gone off the rails into suicide cultish tangents but the poor physical conditioning and agoraphobia of her fan base has limited the mindless mob to overly aggressive Tweets. Their punishment is five years of their life spent listening to Lady Gaga music that they will never get back. That’s more than enough.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 18, 2014 @ 8:01 AM
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex October 08, 2014 @ 10:21 AM
Lady Gaga decided to dress up in matching pants-free outfits with her French bulldog so that late night comedians could think of several dozen jokes they won’t be allowed to put on air. Gaga has been receiving attention for her jazzy duet album with Tony Bennett who will now have to go to his grave knowing he recorded one album too many. According to people who love Lady Gaga, she’s reinvented herself yet another time. According to the rest of the world, they wish the next experiment will fail with some type of concussive explosion.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex October 03, 2014 @ 11:40 AM
Lady Gaga connects with her fans by being completely unattractive to the opposite sex. Throwing on some chunk weight and having a monster claw tattooed onto your back can’t hurt. Apparently the claw is in the shape of the Little Monsters fan club hand gesture which mimics a distraught suburban girl turning on the bathtub to drown herself. Gaga called it a dedication to her fans. I’d call it yet another thing you’d have to put out of my mind if you’re her Chicago Fire boyfriend banging her from behind. It’s disheartening to see that being fugly and reworking Madonna songs isn’t enough anymore.
Photo Credit: Instagram