By Matt August 08, 2014 @ 6:02 AM
Lady Gaga was hospitalized for altitude sickness after her show in Denver. On the scale of bullshit music industry medical code ‘altitude ‘sickeness’ is pretty high. Dehydration means you are unable to find drugs and Exhaustion means you found the drugs far too easily. Altitude Sickness either means Gaga is trying to get attention because her album tanked or she is on the verge of a very dramatic music industry death. I guess you could root for both. The upside down oxygen mask leads me to lean toward stunt.
Altitude sickness occurs at extreme heights. People don’t keel over at Cheesecake Factory in Denver. Old ass tourists visit the Coors Brewery every day, get shit faced, and don’t require treatment. The fucking Broncos play pro football in Denver. If Peyton Manning can rack up 400 yards in a game there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to change costumes and waddle. Gaga isn’t even half way through her flailing tour. At this rate she’ll be singing her lesbian tinged Madonna rip offs from the casing of an iron lung by Minneapolis. Talented musicians have the decency to die at 27. Lady Gaga is going to be that turd that forever circles the bowl, but never flushes.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 12:36 PM
Gaga loosened the leather straps on her stage underwear to allow for her thirty new pounds and played a Microsoft private corporate function over the weekend. The people developing the next completely unnecessary version of Windows pretended Lady Gaga was a cool get as the Bill Gates minders passed through the party, but most were secretly lamenting the the fact that BeBe and CeCe Winans had been unavailable. After the corporate gig, Gaga hit Denny’s for pancakes and then boarded a Greyhound for New York where she’s recording duets with Tony Bennett. Outside of being named a Kennedy Center honoree, I can’t think of a more striking set of death knells to Lady Gaga’s career. It was brief, but it sucked so incredibly bad, Lady Gaga can take comfort in knowing it won’t soon be forgotten.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
This scourge of fat shaming has got to stop. I say this as a humanitarian, an anti-bullying advocate, and somebody who’s entire life savings is invested in a pharmaceutical company that produce therapeutic medication for diabetics. Lady Gaga has been looking pretty wholesale chunky these days. Not that it matters. I mean, it doesn’t matter for Lady Gaga because she’s so annoying in so many other ways that having a paunch barely comes to mind. It’s like criticizing Hitler for his gay Hitler mustache.
Lady Gaga fought back trolls calling her chubby cheeks the best way she knows how. Platitudes on Twitter and a photo of herself completely bundled up and saying she’s curvy and proud. It doesn’t make much sense, but six-figures worth of her fans supported her comments, because they can relate to being shamed for their looks or heavy mouth breathing after limited physical exertion or having dog poo crust in their hair.
Be brave and celebrate with us your ‘perceived flaws,’ as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous,
That also doesn’t make any sense, but Gaga wrote it back in 2012 when she also packed on some pounds. If you bring up fat shaming and bullying, you can pretty much follow with any bit of nonsense you like and you’re bound to receive praise. It’s like citing Jesus in the South or hockey teams in the North. Everybody cheers blindly.
Photo credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
I always knew it would be hard to tell when Lady Gaga’s career was taking a dive. It’s like knowing when yogurt goes bad. When I bought it new it was already rancid milk. Lady Gaga looked desperate onstage when she was on top of the world. She looks precisely the same with her Artpop album selling somewhere between The Best of the Oak Ridge Boys and a Criss Angel spoken word performance. The bruises on her elbows can’t be a good sign. Nor the dressing up like Sailor Moon and friggin’ herself. Albeit, that last one is going to keep her on the charts in Japan until 2020. She continues to speak for a young generation left behind by things such as school and jobs and rudimentary social interactions. When will Lady Gaga finally be done? It’s like yogurt. You need to get your nose in there and smell.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 1:39 PM
In this era of planes dropping out of the sky, this contraband smuggling shit was supposed to be under control. But there’s Lady Gaga flaunting her TSA unscreened nipple in an Instagram selfie. What else could she get on that plane? The fat chick she makes sleep with her in her bed? A baker’s dozen of gay Romanian backup dancers in the overhead? This is a massive breach of something. I know at sixteen bucks an hour nobody’s volunteering to go glove deep up swamp thing’s lower GI tract, but she fits the profile of exactly who the Muslim male profiling apologists insist is the real secret threat. White female with bottoming out album sales. If you want to live, kick out the over-wing exits, blow into your life vest and jump.
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 1:25 PM
Jennifer O’Neill, Lady Gaga’s former assistant, is writing a tell all book about the horrors of holding down a full time job. Gaga, who orders her non-disclosure agreements from the back of The Onion, already had to pay O’Neill a settlement regarding overtime pay. O’Neill claims Gaga made her sleep in the same bed with her to help ward off the feral bats that strafe the singer nightly in her slumber. That does seem like time you should be compensated for. Gaga claims she was a model employer
“I am the queen of the universe, every day… I’m quite wonderful to everybody that works for me.”
I’m going to bet that’s more of a boast than a supportable fact. This does not excuse O’Neill from writing a nasty book because your boss called you out that one time when you brought people back from the club and told them you owned the house. I predict the book will bomb horribly. The people who do care about Lady Gaga prefer her trumped up stage image and could care less about what she’s like with the curtains pulled back. And for those of us non-fans, just the mention of Lady Gaga’s curtains being pulled back make us gag from spleen to mouth. There is no audience for this book. Except for every other creepy celebrity who will no longer higher Jenny to be their confidential bunkmate.
Photo Credit: Instagram