By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 8:57 AM
Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.
Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 10:52 AM
I’m not sure what Lady Gaga turns into when she bursts out of her pupae, but I’m going to guess one very fat butterfly with floppy butterfly tits. Whatever they pay the team of eunuchs who re-costume Lady Gaga in between numbers, it’s not nearly enough. As her body continues to slide into Bosc shape, Sstretching those nylons and nettings and boudoir Spandex around her frame becomes an increasingly hazardous occupation. You get your finger caught in that Chinese trap and it’s not coming back. Ever. You’d have a safer workplace on a remote North Sea oil platform. You know, if you didn’t mind being gang raped each night after shift.
At the end of the day, looks aren’t want brings in the audience for Lady Gaga. It’s mostly social retardation and hallucinogens. Her army of cutters and anxiety medicated Breakfast Clubbers won’t abandon her simply because she’s slowly morphing into the Mayor of Toronto. They will abandon her because she keeps producing the same song over and over again.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt August 08, 2014 @ 6:02 AM
Lady Gaga was hospitalized for altitude sickness after her show in Denver. On the scale of bullshit music industry medical code ‘altitude ‘sickeness’ is pretty high. Dehydration means you are unable to find drugs and Exhaustion means you found the drugs far too easily. Altitude Sickness either means Gaga is trying to get attention because her album tanked or she is on the verge of a very dramatic music industry death. I guess you could root for both. The upside down oxygen mask leads me to lean toward stunt.
Altitude sickness occurs at extreme heights. People don’t keel over at Cheesecake Factory in Denver. Old ass tourists visit the Coors Brewery every day, get shit faced, and don’t require treatment. The fucking Broncos play pro football in Denver. If Peyton Manning can rack up 400 yards in a game there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to change costumes and waddle. Gaga isn’t even half way through her flailing tour. At this rate she’ll be singing her lesbian tinged Madonna rip offs from the casing of an iron lung by Minneapolis. Talented musicians have the decency to die at 27. Lady Gaga is going to be that turd that forever circles the bowl, but never flushes.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 12:36 PM
Gaga loosened the leather straps on her stage underwear to allow for her thirty new pounds and played a Microsoft private corporate function over the weekend. The people developing the next completely unnecessary version of Windows pretended Lady Gaga was a cool get as the Bill Gates minders passed through the party, but most were secretly lamenting the the fact that BeBe and CeCe Winans had been unavailable. After the corporate gig, Gaga hit Denny’s for pancakes and then boarded a Greyhound for New York where she’s recording duets with Tony Bennett. Outside of being named a Kennedy Center honoree, I can’t think of a more striking set of death knells to Lady Gaga’s career. It was brief, but it sucked so incredibly bad, Lady Gaga can take comfort in knowing it won’t soon be forgotten.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
This scourge of fat shaming has got to stop. I say this as a humanitarian, an anti-bullying advocate, and somebody who’s entire life savings is invested in a pharmaceutical company that produce therapeutic medication for diabetics. Lady Gaga has been looking pretty wholesale chunky these days. Not that it matters. I mean, it doesn’t matter for Lady Gaga because she’s so annoying in so many other ways that having a paunch barely comes to mind. It’s like criticizing Hitler for his gay Hitler mustache.
Lady Gaga fought back trolls calling her chubby cheeks the best way she knows how. Platitudes on Twitter and a photo of herself completely bundled up and saying she’s curvy and proud. It doesn’t make much sense, but six-figures worth of her fans supported her comments, because they can relate to being shamed for their looks or heavy mouth breathing after limited physical exertion or having dog poo crust in their hair.
Be brave and celebrate with us your ‘perceived flaws,’ as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous,
That also doesn’t make any sense, but Gaga wrote it back in 2012 when she also packed on some pounds. If you bring up fat shaming and bullying, you can pretty much follow with any bit of nonsense you like and you’re bound to receive praise. It’s like citing Jesus in the South or hockey teams in the North. Everybody cheers blindly.
Photo credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
I always knew it would be hard to tell when Lady Gaga’s career was taking a dive. It’s like knowing when yogurt goes bad. When I bought it new it was already rancid milk. Lady Gaga looked desperate onstage when she was on top of the world. She looks precisely the same with her Artpop album selling somewhere between The Best of the Oak Ridge Boys and a Criss Angel spoken word performance. The bruises on her elbows can’t be a good sign. Nor the dressing up like Sailor Moon and friggin’ herself. Albeit, that last one is going to keep her on the charts in Japan until 2020. She continues to speak for a young generation left behind by things such as school and jobs and rudimentary social interactions. When will Lady Gaga finally be done? It’s like yogurt. You need to get your nose in there and smell.
Photo Credit: Splash