Lady Gaga Isn’t Fat, She’s Cloyingly Boned

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

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This scourge of fat shaming has got to stop. I say this as a humanitarian, an anti-bullying advocate, and somebody who’s entire life savings is invested in a pharmaceutical company that produce therapeutic medication for diabetics. Lady Gaga has been looking pretty wholesale chunky these days. Not that it matters. I mean, it doesn’t matter for Lady Gaga because she’s so annoying in so many other ways that having a paunch barely comes to mind. It’s like criticizing Hitler for his gay Hitler mustache.

Lady Gaga fought back trolls calling her chubby cheeks the best way she knows how. Platitudes on Twitter and a photo of herself completely bundled up and saying she’s curvy and proud. It doesn’t make much sense, but six-figures worth of her fans supported her comments, because they can relate to being shamed for their looks or heavy mouth breathing after limited physical exertion or having dog poo crust in their hair.

Be brave and celebrate with us your ‘perceived flaws,’ as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous,

That also doesn’t make any sense, but Gaga wrote it back in 2012 when she also packed on some pounds. If you bring up fat shaming and bullying, you can pretty much follow with any bit of nonsense you like and you’re bound to receive praise. It’s like citing Jesus in the South or hockey teams in the North. Everybody cheers blindly.

Photo credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram

Lady Gaga Costume Changes Are Good Music

By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 9:15 AM

Lady Gaga Performs Onstage At The MGM Grand In Las Vegas
I always knew it would be hard to tell when Lady Gaga’s career was taking a dive. It’s like knowing when yogurt goes bad. When I bought it new it was already rancid milk. Lady Gaga looked desperate onstage when she was on top of the world. She looks precisely the same with her Artpop album selling somewhere between The Best of the Oak Ridge Boys and a Criss Angel spoken word performance. The bruises on her elbows can’t be a good sign. Nor the dressing up like Sailor Moon and friggin’ herself. Albeit, that last one is going to keep her on the charts in Japan until 2020. She continues to speak for a young generation left behind by things such as school and jobs and rudimentary social interactions. When will Lady Gaga finally be done? It’s like yogurt. You need to get your nose in there and smell.

Photo Credit: Splash

Lady Gaga’s Nipple Eludes TSA

By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 1:39 PM

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In this era of planes dropping out of the sky, this contraband smuggling shit was supposed to be under control. But there’s Lady Gaga flaunting her TSA unscreened nipple in an Instagram selfie. What else could she get on that plane? The fat chick she makes sleep with her in her bed? A baker’s dozen of gay Romanian backup dancers in the overhead? This is a massive breach of something. I know at sixteen bucks an hour nobody’s volunteering to go glove deep up swamp thing’s lower GI tract, but she fits the profile of exactly who the Muslim male profiling apologists insist is the real secret threat. White female with bottoming out album sales. If you want to live, kick out the over-wing exits, blow into your life vest and jump.

Lady Gaga’s Assistant Penning a Tell-All

By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 1:25 PM

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Jennifer O’Neill, Lady Gaga’s former assistant, is writing a tell all book about the horrors of holding down a full time job. Gaga, who orders her non-disclosure agreements from the back of The Onion, already had to pay O’Neill a settlement regarding overtime pay. O’Neill claims Gaga made her sleep in the same bed with her to help ward off the feral bats that strafe the singer nightly in her slumber. That does seem like time you should be compensated for. Gaga claims she was a model employer

“I am the queen of the universe, every day… I’m quite wonderful to everybody that works for me.”

I’m going to bet that’s more of a boast than a supportable fact. This does not excuse O’Neill from writing a nasty book because your boss called you out that one time when you brought people back from the club and told them you owned the house. I predict the book will bomb horribly. The people who do care about Lady Gaga prefer her trumped up stage image and could care less about what she’s like with the curtains pulled back. And for those of us non-fans, just the mention of Lady Gaga’s curtains being pulled back make us gag from spleen to mouth.  There is no audience for this book. Except for every other creepy celebrity who will no longer higher Jenny to be their confidential bunkmate.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lady Gaga Is Our Last Hope (VIDEO)

By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 8:20 AM

California has a water crisis of galactic proportions. According to the crony packed state boards, it’s because the statue of the boy peeing in my backyard is wasting water. Here’s a hint, water Nazis, that’s not a statue, that’s a real boy. Yes, David Geffen, I have one too. The big on rules people don’t want us to flush our piss or wash our cars or water our lawns. They paid somebody’s brother-in-law to invent a catchy new drought slogan: Brown is the New Green. First I thought it was a call to not flush our shits any more either. But then I realized it was just a stunningly clever word play to let our lawns die so we can replace them with sod that takes a huge amount of water to maintain.

Rather than build California’s first water storage facility in over forty years or cease coddling baby fish by dumping precious reservoir water into the Pacific, the seventeen different water agencies combined into one mega-bureaucrat and asked Lady Gaga to record a seventeen second PSA. When you’re in crisis mode, you want Lady Gaga on the bridge.

“We’re thrilled Lady Gaga has joined the effort to Save Our Water. Conservation has always been a Californian value, but in this drought regular conservation isn’t enough — we must take extraordinary measures to save water.”
– Mark Cowin, director of the California Department of Water Resources

And, by extraordinary measures, he means not bothering the commercial agri-businesses who use 80%  of the water in the state. Also, asking people to listen to Lady Gaga’s voice without feeling the need to drown yourself in a tub, which is absolutely horrible for water conservation. At least until you start decomposing and turn a muted brown. Then you’re the new green and your name shall be heralded in song by people apologizing to trees for the invention of the combustion engine.

Lady Gaga Do What U Want Music Video Glorifies Rape, But in the Right Way (VIDEO)

By Matt June 20, 2014 @ 12:20 AM

It’s hard to achieve that real shock vibe when you have a team of media planners working diligently to make you seem shocking. I’m sure Warhol wrote something like that on a cocktail napkin he later wrote his number on and rammed up a twink’s ass. If Lady Gaga announced that her newest video featured her shoving a live ferret and her submissive’s dick into a Robot-Coupe, well, yawn. But bringing together underaged sex pirate R. Kelly and creepy Uncle Terry for the Do Want U Want music video about Lady Gaga willingly being anesthetized so she can be raped with a baby, fuck yeah. I’d watch that. That’s the 2014 version of 2007 girl fights, it’s nauseating, but only for the first several hours.

“Will I ever be able to walk again?”

“Yes, if you let me do whatever I want with your body. I’m putting you under, and when you wake up, you’re going to be pregnant.”

‘m sure there’s some profound meta meaning to this video that is precisely the opposite of what it appears. Like, maybe, rape is bad. Or Lady Gaga feels like she’s let herself be raped by the corporate media in exchange for her success. You know, a bunch of shit her twelve year little monster cutters will certainly discuss in an intelligent manner with a caring adult or mentor. Right  after they Google the recipe for homemade roofies so they can get raped by the Judd Nelson lookalike from the other side of the tracks who got held back twice.

You won’t see the entire video ever. The label has decided to burn it, then take the ashes out to sea to be consumed by an orca that will further dilute the evidence in orca feces. But TMZ got a peek at it first. Or paid somebody to give them a peek in the grand tradition of peeks. It’s up above until such time as the Sentinels blast it out of cyberspace.