Photo Credit: Porter Magazine
Photo Credit: Porter Magazine
Lady Gaga said in a recent interview that not only is she submissive in a relationship but that other women should listen up to their men’s commands as well. Gaga has been lauded as a feminist icon by the gay men and obese under 30 women that are her fan base. I’m not exactly sure what she does that’s so feminist. I doubt that Gloria Steinem would let someone puke on her tits unless it was an involuntary reaction to seeing her tits, which could happen. But apparently in her relationship to Taylor Kinney, Lady Gaga takes a backseat:
“Oh yeah, he’s [Kinney], like, totally in charge. When I’m home I’m, like, shoes are off, I’m making him dinner, you know? He has a job, too, and he’s really busy. I’m in charge all day long. The last thing I wanna do is tell him what to do. We’re just really good friends. It’s not good for relationships to tell men what to do, female listeners who are out there.”
You don’t really hear that kind of talk much anymore. Maybe I’ll tell my wife that Lady Gaga says she needs to shut up and make me a sandwich. Maybe she’ll say ‘why don’t you go have sex with Lady Gaga if she’s so great?’. I’ll contemplate and shiver and go put down all the toilet seats in the house and put some mints in her tampon boxes as little heart surprises. Next life.
With every new song release from her ARTPOP album, Lady Gaga dons the dental hygienist face guard as the natural reaction of casual radio listeners will be to want to shit in her eyes. Her latest release is entitled G.U.Y. and I have no fucking clue what it’s about. I’m going to guess something drawn from the life of a wealthy but misunderstood singing marmoset like creature. Her opus eleven minute long music video is creating waves because she spent a boatload of money shooting at Hearst Castle, which meant bussing 500 gay backup dancers to the Central California shore location. I imagine that trip got rowdy.
In the video, Lady Gaga is a naked bird that gets shot by an arrow then gets taken to a palace where a bunch of Bravo! TV personalities distract her so her unbound sexual potency won’t turn all the gay dudes hetero. Though many of the shnozz bangers still try to mount her. You were born that way, she was born this way, she can’t lower her raw animal sexuality to a simmer. There’s some more dry humping and simulated masturbation and auto-tuned singing about things that I’m sure make sense to girls who haven’t been out since the first Bush was President. All in all, I give it two thumbs up. The same thumbs I’m going to use to spread my cheeks and shit in her eyes when she finally ditches that mask.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
I come to this tale with a little jealousy. I’ve been wanting to vomit on Lady Gaga’s face long before this fancy pants performance artist came and spit up colored milk all over her damaged koala looking frontside. I once saw a performance artist shove a potato up her ass and recite the names of the Presidents she claimed were responsible for imperialism. It made me feel ashamed, mostly for the lengths I went to get laid in college. That tuber up the ass was minor spectacle compared to seeing Millie Brown bulimia her colorful dairy all over Gaga at SXSW, that festival in Austin that you really need to start telling people you attended. Fuck Coachella, this is the new hipster cool points. Lady Gaga found being barfed on so liberating that she posted a picture of herself naked in the bathtub cleaning off the puke:
I loved every moment with you Austin. Last nights show healed my soul. Creative Rebellion is ARTPOP. Release yourself from every expectation. Be free.
If that doesn’t inspire you to want to have some nasty chick upchuck spoiled cream on you, nothing will. I can only imagine how millions of Little Monsters have reordered their disaffected teen bucket lists, completely forgoing their previous goal of having a gay BFF who holds them while they cut the word ARTPOP into their flabby forearms.
Demi Lovato, a known eating disorder sufferer, sees the liberating puking performance art a bit differently. She thought it glorified bulimia and took to Twitter to talk truth to power:
Demi Lovato then went on to Tweet some more analogies about cutting and drugs and other things under her broad life experiences belt. She raised the important philosophical point that just because you call something ‘art’ doesn’t mean it’s inherently worthwhile. Sadly, she couldn’t complete the logic circle and bring that back to her own musical endeavors. The puking performance artist countered Demi Lovato’s assertions with a whole bunch of chatter that made no sense and gave me a huge fucking headache to try and understand. I think it mostly boiled down to, my dad never loved me, so I’m gonna keep on barfing milk on whoever the hell I want. Female empowerment is so incredibly complicated. We really need to work on getting more girls into sports.
Photo Credit: www.littlemonsters.com
Lady Gaga performed at the Doritos #BoldStage last night at SXSW in Austin, and the reason that it was so bold was less because of the radical hashtags and more because Lady Gaga had a random woman vomit on her during the song “Swine.” While I’m not one to knock a good puke performance, it would have been much better if the girl with the electrical tape over her nipples didn’t make it so obvious that she was either about to puke or piss on someone or something. Also, she shouldn’t have to try so hard to make herself vomit on Lady Gaga. That kind of act should come naturally, thanks to years of the singer making us all sick with her fucked up attention whoring.
Photo Credits: Getty
I’m trying hard to be more open minded about my traditional rock music playlists. I sampled an Atlas Genius song the other night and thought, man, this really wouldn’t be half bad with a glass of Merlot and my child abusing uncle’s dick in my ass. Yet, I can’t fathom Lady Gaga. I accept the appeal of the Madonna ripoff. Who doesn’t love catchy tunes about being feeling a tingle in your special place. But this doleful dramatic crap, who can this possibly be for? Outside of rich white girls stepping into the ether off of their boarding school roofs, is anybody cranking up this tune on their iPod?
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash