By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
Cheeky. Get it? Fuck you. Somebody has to give that Gaga some loving. Even girls who resemble frightened woodland mammals need a little ass grabbing from a hunky boyfriend like Taylor Kinney. If I were Lady Gaga’s boyfriend, I’d constantly be toying with her rear. In fact, I’d tell her that if she truly loved me, she’d never turn around at all. Only I’d figure out a way to make it sound more romantic and less like her distressed marmoset face was killing my boners.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 06, 2014 @ 3:38 PM
I don’t even like to think this, let alone say this out loud. There is a possibility that Lady Gaga and her Artfor$120 a Ticket Tour will be bumped next Monday night at the Verizon Center in D.C. in favor of a Washington Wizards home playoff Game 6. Naturally, Lady Gaga’s Little Monsters reacted with all the esprit de corps that lovable band of self-cutting misfits have come to embody:
A few others threatened civil disobedience, some potential acts of anti-social behavior, and for some, going so far as to say they would continue to never play sports for ever ever, and if they did ever play sports again, they promised to be picked last.
Hunter Nguyen was particularly devastated. He even said he was devastated to a newspaper. But when a bunch of other Lady Gaga fans also all announced they were devastated, Hunter decided to kick his loyalty up another notch:
Life seemed so much simpler before the Internet. A time when emotionally unstable young people could sit in their rooms and injure themselves while their step-parents had swingers parties in the garage. Before social media, maybe Hunter would actually do something about the tremendous pain he’s experiencing from missing Lady Gaga. Twitter is fucking up the proper culling of the herd.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 10:30 AM
Photo Credit: Porter Magazine
By Jack March 25, 2014 @ 2:21 PM
Lady Gaga said in a recent interview that not only is she submissive in a relationship but that other women should listen up to their men’s commands as well. Gaga has been lauded as a feminist icon by the gay men and obese under 30 women that are her fan base. I’m not exactly sure what she does that’s so feminist. I doubt that Gloria Steinem would let someone puke on her tits unless it was an involuntary reaction to seeing her tits, which could happen. But apparently in her relationship to Taylor Kinney, Lady Gaga takes a backseat:
“Oh yeah, he’s [Kinney], like, totally in charge. When I’m home I’m, like, shoes are off, I’m making him dinner, you know? He has a job, too, and he’s really busy. I’m in charge all day long. The last thing I wanna do is tell him what to do. We’re just really good friends. It’s not good for relationships to tell men what to do, female listeners who are out there.”
You don’t really hear that kind of talk much anymore. Maybe I’ll tell my wife that Lady Gaga says she needs to shut up and make me a sandwich. Maybe she’ll say ‘why don’t you go have sex with Lady Gaga if she’s so great?’. I’ll contemplate and shiver and go put down all the toilet seats in the house and put some mints in her tampon boxes as little heart surprises. Next life.
By Lex March 24, 2014 @ 12:57 PM
With every new song release from her ARTPOP album, Lady Gaga dons the dental hygienist face guard as the natural reaction of casual radio listeners will be to want to shit in her eyes. Her latest release is entitled G.U.Y. and I have no fucking clue what it’s about. I’m going to guess something drawn from the life of a wealthy but misunderstood singing marmoset like creature. Her opus eleven minute long music video is creating waves because she spent a boatload of money shooting at Hearst Castle, which meant bussing 500 gay backup dancers to the Central California shore location. I imagine that trip got rowdy.
In the video, Lady Gaga is a naked bird that gets shot by an arrow then gets taken to a palace where a bunch of Bravo! TV personalities distract her so her unbound sexual potency won’t turn all the gay dudes hetero. Though many of the shnozz bangers still try to mount her. You were born that way, she was born this way, she can’t lower her raw animal sexuality to a simmer. There’s some more dry humping and simulated masturbation and auto-tuned singing about things that I’m sure make sense to girls who haven’t been out since the first Bush was President. All in all, I give it two thumbs up. The same thumbs I’m going to use to spread my cheeks and shit in her eyes when she finally ditches that mask.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex March 18, 2014 @ 3:36 PM
I come to this tale with a little jealousy. I’ve been wanting to vomit on Lady Gaga’s face long before this fancy pants performance artist came and spit up colored milk all over her damaged koala looking frontside. I once saw a performance artist shove a potato up her ass and recite the names of the Presidents she claimed were responsible for imperialism. It made me feel ashamed, mostly for the lengths I went to get laid in college. That tuber up the ass was minor spectacle compared to seeing Millie Brown bulimia her colorful dairy all over Gaga at SXSW, that festival in Austin that you really need to start telling people you attended. Fuck Coachella, this is the new hipster cool points. Lady Gaga found being barfed on so liberating that she posted a picture of herself naked in the bathtub cleaning off the puke:
I loved every moment with you Austin. Last nights show healed my soul. Creative Rebellion is ARTPOP. Release yourself from every expectation. Be free.
If that doesn’t inspire you to want to have some nasty chick upchuck spoiled cream on you, nothing will. I can only imagine how millions of Little Monsters have reordered their disaffected teen bucket lists, completely forgoing their previous goal of having a gay BFF who holds them while they cut the word ARTPOP into their flabby forearms.
Demi Lovato, a known eating disorder sufferer, sees the liberating puking performance art a bit differently. She thought it glorified bulimia and took to Twitter to talk truth to power:
Demi Lovato then went on to Tweet some more analogies about cutting and drugs and other things under her broad life experiences belt. She raised the important philosophical point that just because you call something ‘art’ doesn’t mean it’s inherently worthwhile. Sadly, she couldn’t complete the logic circle and bring that back to her own musical endeavors. The puking performance artist countered Demi Lovato’s assertions with a whole bunch of chatter that made no sense and gave me a huge fucking headache to try and understand. I think it mostly boiled down to, my dad never loved me, so I’m gonna keep on barfing milk on whoever the hell I want. Female empowerment is so incredibly complicated. We really need to work on getting more girls into sports.
Photo Credit: www.littlemonsters.com