By Lex November 18, 2013 @ 8:37 AM
Watching Lady Gaga perform over a pre-recorded track on SNL was a valuable lesson in why you should never utter shit aloud like ‘Well, this can’t get any worse.’ Because that’s the Candyman call for R. Kelly to appear and start getting it on with fugly trainable Cousin It. When Gaga pretends to blow R. Kelly and swings her sock puppet face back toward the camera, I fucking said it again. Next think you know, they’re humping on the floor. Then I shut the fuck up because I knew next would be R. Kelly calling Gaga a beautiful woman as he relieved himself on all her tattoos.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
By Lex November 15, 2013 @ 4:22 PM
Lady Gaga struggled to seem counterculture last night in Times Square while executing a major H&M corporate promotion coordinated with the release of her ArtPop album.
It’s such a coup d’état for us to be in such a corporate environment.
Easy there, Che Guevara with the $200 million net worth and the private jet. I’m not sure Universal Music Group booking a retail co-promotion will go down in the annals of social revolution. Gaga explained how she can still be so anti-establishment while sucking up to major corporate interests by comparing herself to Andy Warhol:
“He took something corporate, Campbell’s soup, and turned it into art.”
By this I think Lady Gaga means she took Beyonce and Britney songs, maybe them a little more lesbian, than added a cup of water and made some tinny tasting soup. Or, she just name dropped Andy Warhol so New York Times reporters wouldn’t challenge her to explain what the fuck that just meant.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson
By Lex November 14, 2013 @ 3:49 PM
Lady Gaga has balls. I think that’s figurative. Even while winning some big award from Glamour Magazine she was blasting the journal for photoshopping the shit out of her photos to make her look picture perfect.
‘I do not look like this when I wake up in the morning.’
No fucking kidding. That’s why the starlings that chirp you to wake each morning have all gone blind. Lady Gaga kicked her tirade up a few feminist notches by attacking the women’s magazine industry as a whole:
‘It is fair to write about the change in your magazines.’But what I want to see is the change on your covers. . .When the covers change, that’s when culture changes.’
Point well taken. When we flood the doctor’s office waiting rooms with realistic images of unattractive women, only then can other women feel better about themselves. Sort of the way men want NFL wide receivers to drop lots of passes so we can feel better about our own shitty catching skills. Once Lady Gaga appears as-is on the cover of Glamour, then young women can say to themselves, hell, I don’t need to starve myself to lose this gunt or wear tons of makeup to cover up a face resembling a Middle Earth gnome taking a painful dump, I’m beautiful the way God made me, just like Lady Gaga. Oh, fuck, I’m going to die alone.
Photo credit: Getty
By Lex November 13, 2013 @ 5:59 PM
It’s very hard to be famous. So says Lady Gaga in the middle of her nonstop publicity tour to be more famous. To cope with life in the gilded cage, Lady Gaga likes to smoke some chronic. Lots of it. 15 to 20 joints a day. For those unfamiliar with the ways of the dank, that’s a shit ton of weed. She says she needs the drugs to deal with the stress and the anxiety and to fuel her creative juices for all her lyrically intense songs.
“It’s wonderful to be famous because I have amazing fans. But it is very, very hard to go out into the world when you are not feeling happy and act like you are because I am a human being too and I break, and I think there is an assumption… that I cannot break because I am an alien woman and I am unstoppable.” — Lady Gaga to Z100.
I think she’s got the alien label thing figured out pretty well. I only wish that she were the funnier kind of stoner instead of the self-reflective ponderous thoughts one. It’s probably why she never gets invited to the good parties.
Photo Credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram
By Travis November 13, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
At a random ceremony in the Bronx, attention-deprived pop star Lady Gaga unveiled her latest stupid fashion design, “VOLANTIS,” which she claims is the world’s first flying dress. What VOLANTIS actually is would be better described as a hilariously dumb one-person helicopter with a harness shaped sort of like a white dress. Even more accurately, it could be referred to as a flying death trap that will undoubtedly get someone killed, maybe even Lady Gaga herself. And I imagine that Lady Gaga’s funeral would just be a complete mess since there’d be no one to tell people when they should clap.
By Lex November 11, 2013 @ 1:08 PM
Apparently, if you don’t have to chisel the Daedalus maze of her labia, you can whip out a Lady Gaga thirty foot tall statue in like four hours. It seems like just yesterday Jeff Koons was snapping shots of the mole like creature with a giant blue ball birthing out of her cloacal sac. Now, it’s finished and on display at the Brooklyn Naval shipyards in honor of some art exhibit which is standing in as a promotional vehicle for the launch of Lady Gaga’s ArtPop album release today. Everybody celebrates Veterans Day differently. For Gaga fans, it’s staring at the blue snatch bubble of their queen.
To complete the circle of idiocy, Lady Gaga slipped into the ‘Volantis’ a space age concept dress that flies. It made a shit ton of noise as it barely lifted off the ground and lurched forward a few feet. This was apparently the height of genius for art nerds who fall leagues below tech nerds in tangible accomplishments.
Photo Credit: Getty