Men don’t understand the intimate connection a woman has to feel before she flashes her beaver in public. It’s not just a physical thing. It’s an intense spiritual bridge between hairy clam owner and a couple thousand gay British men moderately to severely disappointed that a prick didn’t pop out of Lady Gaga’s panties. The emotions were so intense that Lady Gaga broke down in tears on her departure from London the next morning. Though maybe she was also crying because no prick popped out. That has to be a daily disappointment.
At some point years ago Kelly Osbourne had the bright idea to call Lady Gaga a butterface. Yes, we all see the irony. Lady Gaga’s carrot-brained junior scouts swore vengeance on Ozzy’s booze and food addled daughter and called her a fat cow and talked about burying her in the desert and other Internet anon pleasantries. In the latest lame shot across the bow, Lady Gaga had the nerve to show off a birthday cake she got for Kelly, but presented on the X-Factor to her mom in the U.K. while Kelly was in Los Angeles. Kelly tweeted a picture of the cake back to Gaga and told her to #EatMyShit. I guess she really wanted that fucking cake in person. Now the war is afoot once more. Lots of high strung mall employees will not survive.
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Lady Gaga stripped off all her clothes at a London nightclub looking like Grandpa Munster slipped her a potion to drive her snooping ass out of the house. I’m told the nightclub attendees were mostly gay men who used the evening to assure themselves that women are gross and cocks rule. If Lady Gaga had turned around to face the crowd she might have provided them a visual conundrum.
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On any normal day, Lady Gaga might act like an asshole because she craves constant attention, but whenever she has a new album out, she just takes the routine to a whole new level because she’s desperate for attention and she needs to make sure her bubble gum pop music stays relevant and makes her a little more money. So once she shed the Triscuit albino pube mask yesterday, she made her way to the Berghain club in Berlin to promote “Artpop” while sporting a fake mustache. “Look at how unique she is, and how she’s nothing like Madonna at all,” said one person who will totally forget who this chick is in five years.
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Lady Gaga left the Ritz in Berlin forgetting that she was still wearing the fur Triscuit mask her boyfriend prefers her to don during cuddles time. The Triscuit is a mildly underrated snack chip, but if Gaga could find a giant Doritos mask, mmm, I’d probably lose it in my pants before we even got going.
Photo Credit: WENN