Lance Armstrong Is Doing Fine

By Matt July 09, 2014 @ 7:37 AM

Armstrong

Like most disgraced and publicly humbled celebrities Armstrong spends his time banging models, drinking specialty margaritas he created called Lanceritas, and playing golf. He also realized he was 42 and it was time to stop riding around on a bike. Armstrong is still bothered by the fact he was singled out for cheating in a sport where everyone cheated so he kind of acts like the rich kid who had his beemer impounded and has to be driven to school by the butler. He’s still active in cancer charities because there’s a reasonable chance the cancer thing wasn’t a lie. Though in his prime, he would’ve hatcheted off a nut just to carry on such a ruse. The gist of Lance’s interview in Esquire is that he just doesn’t give a fuck what you think. He just wants you to know that he is somewhere warm, drinking Lanceritas, and boning a chicks with his bike helmet on. That Lance. He’s still adorable.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Lance Armstrong Had to Cheat

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 3:39 PM

Lance Armstrong is working his way through the six stages of grief. Or the five steps of loss. Or some such shit when you lose all of your career titles and accomplishments because you got caught cheating and being a dick. His latest step involves justifying his doping as necessary to win the Tour de France since everybody else was doing it. Oh, so if everybody else was cutting out a nut you’d do that too, Lance? What Lance really should be saying is that cycling is an intensely boring, insipid, and utterly French spectator sport, that without a chemically-injected beast to give it character, would basically just be women’s basketball. People would still hate him, but at least he’d be telling the truth.

Did Sheryl Crow lie to the fed’s about Lance Armstrong?

By brendon January 18, 2013 @ 4:00 PM

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Lance Armstrong has now admitted that he took every drug imaginable while winning the Tour de France seven consecutive times, from 1999 to 2005, which means he was taking every drug imaginable while engaged to Sheryl Crow (they began dating in 2003, broke up in 2006).

That’s relevant because, as the New York Daily News reported back in August, Crow was interviewed to find out what she knew, if anything, about his doping program.

Federal agents interviewed (Crow) in late 2011, just before a grand jury probe into Armstrong and his associates abruptly ended without any criminal charges being handed up.

So was she one of the reasons they shut it down? What did she say? Did she honestly not know anything or did she lie to cover for him? These are all rhetorical because I have no idea what the answers are but I bet Armstrong envies Manti Te’o and his imaginary girlfriend right now. When you break as many rules and laws as Armstrong did, real girlfriends are nothing but trouble and loose ends.

give Lance Armstrong a call

By brendon September 13, 2012 @ 7:11 PM

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I hate to impose but look, he said it himself on twitter, he’s happy to help. I’m gonna see if he can score me some HGH.

KATE HUDSON IS SINGLE

By brendon July 30, 2008 @ 6:31 AM

Us magazine is reporting that Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong broke up this weekend after three months of dating.  The news comes as a shock to many, because these two are so dull it was easy to forget they were alive, much less a couple.  

"There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things," a source close to the couple tells Us. "There is no hatred, just sadness."
The pair quickly became inseparable with sightings of them in Austin, New York and Los Angeles – though both dodged questions about their relationship.
In the short time they were together, the 29-year-old actress was seen with the 36-year-old cyclist at many of his races and events, including his three-day Lance Armstrong Livestrong Summit in Columbus, Ohio this past weekend.
It was at the conference that Hudson and Armstrong decided to go their separate ways, a source tells Us.

Hard to believe the passion burned out, what with all those bike races and such.  Those drive women wild.  The sidelines are packed with hot chicks, and you’ll often hear, "if that guy rides his bike up this hill, I’m fuckin him.  I'm not kidding, he makes it to the top, I’m fucking him right here and now."

RANDOM MORNING STUFF

By brendon November 15, 2007 @ 11:44 AM

SHERYL CROW IS UPTIGHT – Sheryl Crow doesn't approve of her ex-boyfriend Lance Armstrong dating Ashley Olsen.  Presumably because Lance is 36 and Ashley is 21.  Life and Style says, "Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, 'That's pathetic. Ashley's a kid.' "  Whatever.  Sheryl is just jealous because she's 45, and now her ex is stabbin someone half her age.  If they even are having sex.  Maybe Lance just likes her as a companion.  Ashley Olsen is an amazing woman, and like all 21 year old girls, I bet she has some really fascinating stories.  

BRITNEY CANCELS HER VIDEO - Britney Spears was supposed to shoot the second video from "Blackout" tomorrow, but she has abruptly canceled.  Not surprisingly, the production team assumed this would happen, so they've been rehearsing with a stand-in and are even prepared to shoot some of the video with the double posing as Britney.  Britney will only be needed for close-ups, presumably of her chewing and dancing, then bending over and gasping for air.

KANYE WILL NOT PERFORM TONIGHT – Kanye West has cancelled his performance at tonights Victoria's Secret Fashion Show to mourn the death of his mother, Donda.  Nobody likes a quitter Kanye.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS HAVING A BOY
– As first reported by OK! last week, Christina was seen, "on a blue-themed shopping spree at celeb baby boutique Petit Tresor" and if that's not all the proof you need that she's having a boy, while speaking to reporters Tuesday night, Christina referred to her baby as "him."  Still not convinced?  Try punching her in the stomach.  If she says, "oh no, my unborn son!", well there you go.  If not, hey, no harm done.