By Lex June 20, 2014 @ 12:05 PM
Texting girls get to pick out the winners in the People’s Choice Awards. Old people with oblong goiters vote on the Academy Awards. Foreigners with sexual assault charges pending in Moldova get to select the Golden Globes. The TV Critics Choice Awards is the one chance for miserably failed artists to have their voices heard. What TV shows do fat guys who take great care in selecting their eyeglass frames like to watch when they’re not catfishing teenagers online? Apparently, it’s not network television. Big Four network shows continue their eighty millionth decade of decline in the face of F/X and premium cable TV where writers are able to create shows they want and then cherry top them off with tits and swearing. Even in 2014, Procter & Gamble and Indiana still hate tits, so ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox are left spitting out assembly line melodramas for people who fondly recall when there were no remotes. The average age of a CBS viewer is rigor mortis. I’m looking forward to the fact that in my golden years I’ll have one touch access to unlimited digital porn. Holographs would just be a bonus.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 25, 2014 @ 5:02 PM
Laura Prepon appears in this month’s People magazine riding backwards naked on a horse. Some will see this as People magazine trying desperately to be provocative and failing. But those in the know can spot this Scientology signal from a mile away. This is like when you used to see a video of Bin Laden and he was masturbating his beard up and done. It was a tip off to his web of remote networks that it was time for a really hopeless shmuck to blow himself up in a Riyadh area Forever 21 store. Laura’s carefully orchestrated visual symbolism can only mean that Tom Cruise has initiated sequence alpha. He’s breached his Peyronies bent penis shaped submersible in the Indian River just minutes away from the private landing strip in Ocala where John Travolta will land his plane full of 147 virgin boys for the ritualistic gelding. Hmm, now where is that plane full of virgin boys? John must be running late.
Photo Credit: People
By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 1:10 PM
When you’re dating Scientology, there’s no bigger catch than Tom Cruise. Forget the mock turtlenecks, the three divorces and the curiously produced offspring, Tom is the MVP of the descendants of Xenu and his intergalactic space armada. It’s like being the groupie chosen to go backstage after a Kenny G concert. It’s a get. And Laura Prepon done got it, including an invite as Tom’s date up to John Travolta’s house for a Cleansing Means I’m No Longer Gay dinner party. It’s like a David Geffen house party, only everybody there is only desperately thinking about sodomizing the male catering staff.. At 5’10″, Laura stands two feet taller than Tom Cruise who only through movie magic is able to hide his extreme dwarfism. But Tom’s always preferred the tall women as the dramatic height difference reminds him of his ultimate destiny to sneak undetected into the Castle of Bandau and release the Sleeping Warriors to seal victory for a bunch of self-loathing wealthy homosexuals on the down low in Hollywood. Laura Prepon, your ticket just got punched to take a spin on the Tom Cruise will fuck you up merry-go-round. See you in three years when Tom is helicoptering off with your inexplicably half-black baby child.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex August 16, 2013 @ 11:54 AM
Laura Prepon announced she will not be coming back for the second season of Orange is the New Black on Netflix. Everybody is coming up with their own fake public reasons why this is disappointing when mostly they’re just upset over not seeing her boobs again (NSFW). That pretty much explains the real reason any guy is ever upset over any girl being gone. What, Wendy got fired? That’s so unfair (I’m going to miss staring at her tits in the break room). I heard Tim busted up with that chick he was seeing (I’m going to miss her huge rack something awful). It’s hard to believe Michelle Obama is no longer first lady…. yeah, you get the idea.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN