Lea Michele’s Dead Boyfriend Would’ve Loved Her Current Boyfriend

By Lex January 06, 2016 @ 10:02 AM

Cory-Monteith-and-Lea-Michele-in-Cabo

You may recall two years ago when Dead Cory Monteith checked into a Canadian hotel which is both a literal account of his overdose death and now a handy euphemism. Lea Michele turned his passing into a series of weeping magazine pictorials, a pop dance album, and a small theme park in her backyard where she charged fans ten bucks to see her make out with a wax replica of her dead boyfriend. Everybody grieves differently.

Michele is convinced that Dead Cory Monteith would love her current boyfriend because Matthew Paetz is a good looking former male escort and bones her like an elderly woman who still has needs. You know how former boyfriends adore new boyfriends, especially from beyond the grave. Michele understands the backlash from her fans on getting back in the saddle, but she wishes they would consider this nonsense instead:

I don’t think anyone is really projecting hate, it is positive, it’s nothing so, so terrible but at the end of the day, we have to remember that what we put out there, it manifests and it creates energy and you should want to be the person that chooses to take that second to do something positive

Imagine that shit in a high pitched whine for two years and see if you’re not looking up hotel rooms in Vancouver on Expedia. Yes, I am dating Lea Michele. Give me a couple hours before you clean my room. Here’s a hundred for a tip. No, no particular reason.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Lea Michele Plunging Dress

By Lex September 23, 2015 @ 10:28 AM

Lea Michele Cleavage In Plunging Dress
Don’t say Lea Michele isn’t self-aware. Enough to bring her tits out on super display this past week to promote her Scream Queens show. It was that or more poetry requiems to Dead Cory Monteith and gushing in an effusive octave higher than the adult human ear can tolerate about her escort boyfriend. You made the right choice, Lea. In a more enlightened world your shrill self-absorption would be lauded as regal. In this world, we’re just holding off tossing rotten cabbage at your noggin to admire your chest. Keep the chest coming. The rabble are easily distracted.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Lea Michele Violates the Sanctity of the Hashtag

By Lex August 10, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

Lea-Michelle-Hashtag

You just knew there’d come a day when ambiguously inspiring hashtags would become corrupted in the name of big business. Not so long ago you could trust that anyone of the ten thousand new socially or politically rousing hashtags created each week really meant something. No longer. Lea Michele is cash fronting a big pharma campaign for women’s birth control with the powerful hashtag #ActuallySheCan.

I attribute my personal and professional successes to not only my self-reliance and determination, but to the inspiration, education and support I received from others who helped me stay true to myself and my goals. There is nothing more gratifying than seeing a woman leave her mark.

Though not her baby mark, naturally. Given that Lea is currently banging a dude who used to be a male escort for hire, I’d think some more serious prophylactics ought be considered before any penetration of her Glee. ActuallySheCan what? Not be forcibly impregnanted thereby destroying her chances at teen casting sessions? Do you see how quickly everything falls apart when you try to make a buck off the sanctity of hashtags? You can’t fake box if you’re pregnant. But heaven doesn’t like liars. Dead Cory Monteith wanted so much better for you.

Photo credit: Instagram

All The Big Names in Haggery Came Out for Parental Equality

By Lex March 02, 2015 @ 9:04 AM

Real-Housewives-for-Equality
If there’s anybody who can speak to the need for gay parents, it’s a coven of surgically altered witches who’ve fucked up their kids with booze and pills and divorce and a haunting desire for fame. They ought to spell themselves back in time and hand over their newborns to the nearest male male couple with a designer crib and a dream. I can’t imagine the sexuality of parents matters much to kids growing up. Not as much as access to premium cable and money for braces. By the time you realize what your dads are doing in that bedroom with the never enter without knocking rule, you’re already into sports and siphoning off their weed stash slowly so they don’t notice. Lea Michele showed off her small tits just in case you had doubts about something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF

Lea Michele Looks Inward To Selfie

By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 8:15 AM

Lea-Michele-Posing-Yoga

Lea Michele posts an awful lot of photos of herself doing yoga. Michele sees the ancient eastern practice as a way to clear one’s head and achieve inner enlightenment. At which point you definitely need to show everyone in the world how great your abs look. Your spiritual quest is usually complete at the very point you’re most fuckable. It’s because spirituality is all relative. If everyone felt great all the time we’d just start nitpicking more. Hey bitch, my chakras are in line and your roots are showing. It’s the chicks who need to lose five pounds who may never find themselves spiritually. Because they’re kind of pissed about chicks like yourself.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lea Michele Knows When to Show Them

By Lex October 06, 2014 @ 11:29 AM

Lea Michele Wears Low Cut Dress At The Premiere Of American Horror Story
Lea Michele is making a habit out of showing up to other people’s premieres and showing off her tits. They’re not particularly large, though I’m sure they’re as perfect as her professional male escort boyfriend reminds her as he drags her Amex card through his iPhone magnetic strip reader. Lots of times you’ll see older celebrities with new tits like Sharon Stone pulling this red carpet stealing trick. It’s less common for young actresses. I’d call Lea Michele on her shit but she’d surely produce a poem from Dead Cory Monteith about being true to yourself and adopting rescue cats. Dead Cory left Lea with a ton of Get Out of Jail Free cards, in addition to his cardigan sweater collection she uses to clean up after her multi-orgasmic pro.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PacificCoastNews