By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 1:44 PM
If you need something dead, Lea Michele is your go-to girl. The Glee star took a break from mounting her male hooker on top of Dead Cory Monteith’s memory to film a scene for the final season of Sons of Anarchy. Lea will play Gertie, a truck stop waitress and struggling single mom. To prep for the role, Lea forced one of her assistants to tell her horrible stories of growing up between the coasts where they had no access to first-run theater. Expect a lot of emoting and long draws on the cigarettes as Lea tries to get to that Emmy stage for yet another tear-filled speech about hope and embracing the future and destroying bitches on the set who get in your way.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Lea Michele continues to honor the one year anniversary of Dead Cory Monteith by boning the living shit out of her male escort boyfriend. Nobody blames Lea for finding comfort in the bulging biceps of a hunky prostitute. Who hasn’t? You can’t dwell forever on the list of men who’ve offed themselves to rid their craniums of your shrill tones. That would be a life filled with regret. If you listened carefully to Lea’s last album, you know that mourning and riding professional turgid cock are not mutually exclusive. Don’t make me quote Cannonball. I’ll sob like a girl child.
Photo Credit: Lea Michele/Instagram
By Lex June 25, 2014 @ 2:40 PM
Life couldn’t be better for Lea Michele. She’s got a hit TV show inspiring sexually unsure teens to become even more unsure. Her dead boyfriend proved a treasure trove for songwriters penning songs of Lea overcoming adversity. Her new male escort boyfriend seems extremely attached to her after completing a credit check. And now she’s learning to surf so she can paddle with her eels out to the royal palace to seek revenge on King Triton. Wrap that shit up with a bow. It’s a Lea Michele Christmas.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 2:09 PM
Remember that Lea Michele music video that nobody gave a shit about? Yeah one of those. It’s where on the set she felt Kismet once again, falling for male extra Matt Paetz who also happens to be a masseuse and happy vagina feelings escort for mature ladies in need in Los Angeles. His pimp service is called Cowboys4Angels, which as much as you may be missing dick as a 50-year old single woman, still has to feel a little silly typing into your browser. More important than arcane and outdated dating rules is the fact that Lea Michele has once more overcome her tragic loss of Dead Cory Monteith to find love. I guess like a cannonball. Or a John. Lea has an old soul, so you figure a guy like Matt who is skilled at gently suckling post-natal grandmotherly udders and slowly breathing out the name, ‘Helen’ would be a great romantic fit. And, if it doesn’t work out, she can always crank up the shrill and leave out a prepaid Expedia travel pack to Vancouver.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 6:54 PM
By the time Lea Michele’s lyrically auto-tuned out ‘my heart’s too drunk to drive’ you already know her new pop ballad On My Way to You is headed straight for five stars on your iTunes killer seventh grade summer party playlist. This is the same music video where Lea’s smallish boobs kept falling out of the various swimsuit tops she wears in the video. I can’t remember if this is one of the every songs on her new album that represents her emotional comeback after driving Dead Cory Monteith to choose heroin over pay-per-view porn in his Vancouver hotel room. It certainly should be. When she starts humping that door and singing about bad love, you know she’s not just speaking about her own experiences, she’s talking to all of us with randy gay model boyfriends and United Colors of Benetton friends who frolic in the street. Fuck, I watched this twice. Where do I go to get my balls back?
By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Fox hosted its annual upfront in New York City last night to announce its new slate of shows that will eventually be canceled in favor of reality shows like So You Think You Can 69? and Celebrity Cannibal Cooking Challenge. Glee star Lea Michele showed up with her side boobs blazing, which answers the big question of “Have they canceled that terrible high school singing show yet?” and it’s probably realistic that the network wanted to finally can it, but Lea mustered up the fake tears and mumbled, “But Cory Monteith would have wanted it to go on,” and the network gave it another 10 years. And last night, as the celebrity wranglers were trying to make sure that the red carpet moved quickly and Lea made her way into the building, she whined, “But Cory…” and they let her stay out for a few hundred more photos of her looking like a background extra at best.
Photo Credits: Getty