Lea Michele’s Nipples Are Auto-Tuned

By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 2:18 PM

Lea Michele Has A Nip Slip Filming A Music Video In Palmdale
You get a pass for any music you like in middle school because you’re dumb and confused and trying to fit in and figure out who you’re supposed to fuck in this world. I suppose there are some girls, and some boys who haven’t yet written a moving letter to the dad they thought would never accept their love of glitter, who think Lea Michele is the bomb. They probably don’t know or don’t care how the mere sound of Lea’s un-modulated whine drove Dead Cory Monteith to any early grave. That her re-purposed junk tunes are now being sold as an expression of her emotional fortitude in the face of her lost love. They probably don’t even give a shit that Lea’s nipples look like the misshapen Hershey’s kiss that gets through the QA process down in Mexico, Pennsylvania. They just want to wrap themselves in her hair extensions and cry for their togetherness vaginas. I get it. I teared up when the Macho Man died. I can no longer judge.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Lea Michele Holds a CD of Lea Michele in Front of a Giant Poster of Lea Michele

By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

Lea Michele Signs Copies Of Her Album At Barnes And Noble At The Grove
When I reach the front of any line and I’m not rewarded with a free turkey or a hummer, I get pretty fucking disappointed. If I did the slow shuffle for an hour only to find myself in front of Lea Michele in front of a giant poster of Lea Michele, I’d probably demand a Butterball and a hummer, settling for the turkey. But likely I’d just be treated to more magazine-ready tales about how Dead Corey Monteith inspired many tracks on Lea Michele’s new album, even though she didn’t actually write or produce any of them.

I didn’t record one word I didn’t feel – whether or not I wrote it.

Sort of the way I excerpted Huck Finn in 7th grade for the story of what I did for my summer vacation. Thankfully my teacher was more racist than well-read and it was my only A of the semester. I suppose you can always hear somebody else’s sad song and take it to be your own interpretation of how you felt when your boyfriend injected himself with time to leave the earth potion.

“And now I will start living today, today, today / I close the door / I got this new beginning and I will fly / I’ll fly like a cannonball,”

I’m not sure flying like a cannonball is the best analogy for starting over after a loss. It’s possible Lea isn’t familiar what happens with artillery at the termination of its flight. Between this and Katy Perry’s ‘do you ever feel like a plastic blag floating in the wind’ I’m wondering if pop music writers aren’t running short on metaphors for air travel. You can’t even find a plastic bag in L.A. anymore. A cannon hasn’t been fired around here since 1846. But, you know, teen girls do connect with anachronistic munitions references. No matter how this album sells, I hope when Lea Michele visits Dead Cory Monteith’s grave with photographers from her next magazine feature, she tells him it was a winner. Like a cannonball.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News







Lea Michele Still Riding Dead Cory Monteith

By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 1:56 PM

Lea Michele Shows Some Skin In The Spring Issue Of V Magazine
Lea Michele’s girlfriends have been urging her to move on from Dead Cory Monteith. That’s what girlfriends do. Check out your own lady’s circle of friends, someday they will be convincing her to stop visiting your grave and to start sleeping with the guy down the hall. Think about that the next time one of them needs help with her car or moving furniture. Lea seems to have accepted their advice. She’s been spotted dating boys again, one of which will be the next unwitting bastard to accept her shrill mating call and seals his ungodly fate. However, tragedy still sells better than hope, so Lea continues to hawk her gloom in V Magazine:

She [Stevie Nicks] told me from the beginning that music is going to be my therapy, and at the time, I was like, ‘What the fuck are you talking about, Stevie Nicks? I don’t want to listen to music. I can’t do anything. But once you get out a little bit of the tunnel, when you slowly start to feel like you can be yourself a little bit, it does help. It’s so cool I have her number.

Powerful shit right there. A widow’s tale mixed with a celebrity name drop, that’s like crossing streams (RIP Harold Ramis). I think even Lea realizes her Dead Cory Monteith tales of survival are wearing thin, so she agreed to do a Terry Richardson revealing photoshoot for the magazine. She also agreed to feel totally awesome about herself:

My friends call me Grandma, but, like, Grandma’s killing it right now. I’m pretty sure Grandma nailed it in a half-naked Terry Richardson shoot, okay?

Nailed it indeed. I can’t help but think Dead Cory Monteith is looking down on you from above and desperately trying to shit on your head.

Photo Credit: V Magazine

Lea Michele Bravely Went For A Run

By Travis February 14, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Glee star Lea Michele is still coping with the loss of her boyfriend Cory Monteith, who died from a drug overdose almost seven months ago, and it has been really hard for her to “grieve in the spotlight.” Yesterday, Lea went for a long run to get away from all of the attention that she’s been receiving, because even though she’s the one who keeps telling everyone how hard Cory’s death has been for her while promoting her new album, a girl needs to have her privacy. And then it was probably right back to the media grind, because albums aren’t going to sell themselves. After all, nothing’s wrong with complaining about all the attention that you’re receiving if it means bumping a silver record up to gold.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Lea Michele Triumphs in a Sports Bra

By Lex January 20, 2014 @ 4:51 PM

Lea Michele Goes For A Hike In A Sports Bra In The Hollywood Hills
‘Louder’ is the latest single from Lea Michele that her P.R. machine and sycophants are declaring a successful triumph just six months after losing Dead Cory Monteith. I’ve listened to far too many crappy over-produced tracks from Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga and this doesn’t even rise to that crappy category. As much as teen girls want to believe in the dream of shrieking in your boyfriend’s ear until he finds a needle full of heroin big enough to make the nails on the chalkboard stop, I don’t see this track joining the teen girl shitty music pantheon. Still, I’m told it’s a triumph of the spirit. I’m sure they’re right.

Here’s Lea Michele hiking in a sports bra. This is also a triumph of her will to overcome adversity and the homeless who routinely line this particular hiking route in L.A. to get in a decent tug.

Still, we can’t overlook it’s triumph of the human spirit.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Lea Michele’s New Song Will Take Many Lives

By Lex December 10, 2013 @ 2:17 PM

Dead Cory Monteith died struggling to silence Lea’s voices in his head. There’s a good chance if you listen to Lea’s new single Cannonball off her impossibly titled Louder album you too will be requesting a hotel room with an early checkout.

Suck on those melodics for a little while. I already answered a Craigslist ad for downtown apartment sharing with Nick Stahl and Leif Garrett. I’m coming Cory. Like a cannonball, I go boom.