By Lex March 17, 2014 @ 4:38 PM
It’s not divorce that fucks up kids, it’s their bio and step moms coming to their Little League showing off their tits to outdo each other that will get you into a small animal torture pathology. Eddie Cibrian made a kid with Brandi Glanville, then she sold her cheating husband to LeAnn Rimes who went slowly insane from lack of sustenance while Brandi got drunk on paint thinner and soda and Eddie tried to figure out how to get his IMDB page to look like he had a job. Meanwhile, the little Cibrian boy just wants to play baseball. What the hell is more kid American than that? But, no, his cat fighting crazy moms have to show up to his shit, one with her rexic splayed chest bared and the other in super tight form fitting clothes that I can’t show you because the photos were too fucking expensive. Now this kid has to hear his Little League coaches in the dugout talk about which of his moms they’d like to Larry King wife style first. Parents are the worst. We need to figure out a way to start hatching kids at eighteen.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex February 07, 2014 @ 2:07 PM
LeAnn Rimes seems to be eating again. This is good news. There was a period of several years there where she simply refused to eat anything but the occasional bit of corrugated cardboard from the UPS store. The rate at which her body began to consume her survival fat followed by several of her vital organs was worrisome. But what with this new VH-1 reality show with no committed air date quite yet and the revelation that her new husband gave his ex-wife some intractable STDs, LeAnn seems to be back into the human feeding rotation and packing on a couple much needed pounds to get through the winter. Those genital warts need a healthy host. You’re not just eating for one anymore, LeAnn.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Lex February 04, 2014 @ 2:55 PM
Maybe I chimed in too quickly on LeAnn Rimes new reality show where she and her purchased husband and VH-1 are all telling us it’s going to be one crazy wild ride. LeAnn has promised to get loaded and fight with her husband who will call her every name in the book, save for telling her she looks like Foghorn Leghorn because that would be too real for television. On Episode 1, LeAnn picked her bikini bottoms out of her ass as she and her husband argued over something about his ex-wife. Episode 2 will be similar, except LeAnn will grease her rims so she can focus more on arguing with her husband without having to stick her fingers in her ass. Details on Episode 3 have yet to be released, but expect some arguing and maybe a return to ass play. In Episode 4, everybody goes down in a helicopter crash, God willing.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 6:56 PM
LeAnn Rimes and her feud with everyone in the world who has a vagina and doesn’t look like that horrible thing six-year olds imagine live in the dark corner of their rooms at night, continues as she started filming a reality TV show intended to rival her husband’s ex-wife’s Real Housewives show. It’s not so much a reality show as everyone’s admitted it’s already scripted, as opposed to traditional reality television where everybody is instructed to lie about the show being scripted. Mostly, LeAnn sees Brandi Glanville getting famous for being a drunken plastic-surgery riddled ho-bag and is wondering where her piece is.
We saw the majority of reality shows, the cast members get to consume a lot of alcohol and then they get to fight and throw things and we looked at each other and we said, ‘Why don’t we do that?’ That sounds like fun. Let’s join ‘em.’ – LeAnn Rimes’ husband
Whatever his name is makes a good point. If you’re going to be a drunk married couple filled with insecurity and regret, why not get paid by VH-1 for your miserable existence to be produced for a TV audience. The number of people wanting to pay top dollar to see LeAnn Rimes in concert is dwindling. But the number of people who will tune in to see her not eat for a month because her husband is giving orthopedic massages to the pool boy is unlimited.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 30, 2013 @ 1:13 PM
LeAnn Rimes isn’t insisting upon your good wishes or sympathy or even to take her side in her various cat fight battles with her husband’s former wife. She just wants you to look at her tits. Just keep an eye on her body and everything else will work itself into place. That’s the beauty of insanity in women. A homeless woman mumbling shit about President Reagan and Grenada conspiracies will still flash her skeeter when she needs a nickel toward a bottle of juice. LeAnn and her husband’s ex are going to be jiggling body parts in public until long after that dude is buried. But I’m only looking for maybe five more years.
I thought maybe I was wrong about LeAnn, but as I was writing this, she Tweeted a picture of her early morning abs workout, because she cares about you a lot:
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 6:08 PM
LeAnn Rimes got very choked up during her Patsy Cline tribute at the American Country Awards, which I’m pretty sure is a show LeAnn made up so she could do a Patsy Cline tribute. When she got to ‘Crazy’, she followed a bandmate’s advice to think about sex to keep herself from breaking down into tears. Thoughts of mounting Clint Black momentarily helped LeAnn keep her composure. But then LeAnn felt guilty imagining Clint so she started thinking about her current husband’s dong, and thoughts quickly turned to the nanny he was likely boning behind her back, and the damn burst forth with Rimes water. Later on LeAnn admitted that the advice probably works better for men who engage in sex with a cold and animal-like dispassion rather than an anorexic cyber-bully with trust issues.
Photo Credit: Getty