Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s new reality show, LeAnn and Eddie, because Crazy and Shmucky was apparently already taken, debuted this week on VH-1. The classy couple are fronting the show as a chance for them to explain the real LeAnn and Eddie beyond the tabloid headlines. Then they proceed to spend the entire episode discussing the tabloid headlines because even if they don’t realize it, the show producers know it’s the only only possible reason for people to watch this kind of magic:.
Eddie: “We were both married to other people when we fell in love. And I know most of you think my wife is a homewrecker and a stalker.”
LeAnn: “You’re forgetting alcoholic, pill popper and children stealer! And you’re also a moocher, you have no job, and you married me for my money.”
Ha, ha… wait, isn’t most of that true? Nope. If you watch the show you can learn that they are actually just a happy go lucky pair of narcissistic media-obsessed divorced vindictive a-holes trying to turn a buck off their own tawdry reputations. Then after watching the show you can ask yourself why you just spent an hour tuned into LeAnn and Eddie when you could’ve been driving a large nail through your nuts. The experiences are similar but only one will haunt you forever.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
LeAnn Rimes desperately wants a doctor to squirt a future baby into her crazy womb. She wants to complete the circle of buying Eddie Cibrian from a soused Brandi Glanville and gestating his offspring so he’ll be tied to her forever. If I were Brandi Glanville, the moment LeAnn conceived I’d rush my two sons by way of Eddie out of the country to some Nepalese monastery for hiding. I’ve seen this alpha alley cat reproductive dance before. The children of the former matriarch never fare well. I’m not saying LeAnn will try to assassinate Eddie’s first two born by her sworn enemy, but I’m also not saying she won’t. I just want my bases covered so I can say I told you so when all the other dumbasses are telling reporters they didn’t see it coming and LeAnn seemed like such a nice neighbor. For his part, Eddie Cibrian says he’d prefer just to get a puppy. Which means he will soon experience the sensation of waking to a general paralysis while his wife cranks his tool into a cup and croons a tender love song.
LeAnn Rimes is crazy… crazy fun that is! She got a couple of the adventurous gals from her rhinoplasty class action group to pull on some bikinis and imitate the Sports Illustrated 50th Anniversary swimsuit edition cover that was so relevant just four months ago. These ladies all seem confused by natural sunlight, but they do have pretty nice bottoms. It’s a real challenge to duplicate the naturally staged sorority love fest put on by Chrissy Teigen, Nina Agdal, and Lily Aldridge. Also, the SI girls have press agents and assistants in their traveling entourage, unlike these two prop girls who LeAnn had disappeared into an Argentinean soccer stadium after she caught Eddie gawking at them from the balcony. Every day is a new day when you’re married to LeAnn Rimes.
Photo Credit: LeAnn Rimes/Twitter
It’s not divorce that fucks up kids, it’s their bio and step moms coming to their Little League showing off their tits to outdo each other that will get you into a small animal torture pathology. Eddie Cibrian made a kid with Brandi Glanville, then she sold her cheating husband to LeAnn Rimes who went slowly insane from lack of sustenance while Brandi got drunk on paint thinner and soda and Eddie tried to figure out how to get his IMDB page to look like he had a job. Meanwhile, the little Cibrian boy just wants to play baseball. What the hell is more kid American than that? But, no, his cat fighting crazy moms have to show up to his shit, one with her rexic splayed chest bared and the other in super tight form fitting clothes that I can’t show you because the photos were too fucking expensive. Now this kid has to hear his Little League coaches in the dugout talk about which of his moms they’d like to Larry King wife style first. Parents are the worst. We need to figure out a way to start hatching kids at eighteen.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
LeAnn Rimes seems to be eating again. This is good news. There was a period of several years there where she simply refused to eat anything but the occasional bit of corrugated cardboard from the UPS store. The rate at which her body began to consume her survival fat followed by several of her vital organs was worrisome. But what with this new VH-1 reality show with no committed air date quite yet and the revelation that her new husband gave his ex-wife some intractable STDs, LeAnn seems to be back into the human feeding rotation and packing on a couple much needed pounds to get through the winter. Those genital warts need a healthy host. You’re not just eating for one anymore, LeAnn.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet