Leann Rimes has a new TV show coming out with her husband. It’s being referred to as a scripted reality show, so, basically, not a reality show at all. It follows the real life character of Leann, the husband she bought for three mules from drunken Brandi Glanville, and the stepkids from that previous marriage. Though Brandi and the stepkids are going to be portrayed by actors so that Leann can film herself taking shits on them and they have to sit there and take it if they want to lose their SAG benefits.
There are two types of crazy. The kind where you’re mumbling in the streets pushing a shopping cart full of shredded plastic. And the kind where you’re a celebrity with enough draw and money to let your crazy leak out in little eccentric bursts. That’s Leann Rimes. The thoughts bubbling in her brain right now would scare you worse than the first time you watched The Exorcist in a completely darkened room. If she were shown Rorschach photos, she’d see ‘rat gnawing on bloody eyeball’ in every single image. She’s a deep well of dementia. Someday, she’s going to burst like Krakatoa. Until that time, she’ll just look good in a bikini and smile. That’s the tricky cover.
Here’s how you know somebody is anorexic. They deny it. Also, they act all excited about going to the Hometown Buffet then just nibble on a piece of butter lettuce that was meant as display.
People said I was anorexic, but I didn’t have a problem with eating as I ate a ton all the time – I could eat my husband under the table! — LeAnn Rimes to the U.K. Daily Mail
Eating her husband under the table is key because when he’s down there she can discreetly regurgitate dinner into an oversized napkin.
So what did cause LeAnn to look so gaunt this past year or so? The stress. From all the negative comments about how she started sleeping with her current husband Eddie Cibrian while he was still married to Brandi Glanville and she was still married to some other poor sap. And, by negative comments, I think she means people reciting the facts of the case. The stress was so heavy, LeAnn had to check into stress rehab! Like when David Duchovny checked into sex rehab to stop boning so many women or Anne Heche checked into lesbian rehab to stop boning so many women. Total bullshit. But LeAnn did learn at stress rehab that she doesn’t need to quit Twitter to avoid all the negativity:
The block button’s a great thing – if you talk crap to me, I’ll just block you!
Whoa, easy there rexy chick. Not the block button! Another round of stress rehab and she might find the Report as Spam button. I think it’s fair to say that LeAnn’s life has really turned the corner. Nothing but smooth sailing ahead. Until she misplaces the grape she’s been nursing for her past five meals.
I’ve never heard a man call a girl he had the hots for ‘crazy’. Crazy is a word you call a girl after you’ve slept with her and she’s burning all your shit on the front lawn because you didn’t text her back after eleven minutes. LeAnn Rimes has issues. But she looks good in a bikini. Maybe it took some determined starvation and some surgery and some delusional three a.m power rants behind a 7-Eleven to get her there, but as long as it’s not your shit that’s burning on the lawn, it’s all good.
Leann Rimes is slightly different than some of her ‘done gone crazy’ musical peers in so much as she can actually sing. Unfortunately for Leann, that only kind of makes her seem crazier. When shitty singers with over the top acts covering their shitting singing go nuts, it takes years to tell often. There’s all those lasers and smoke and backup dancers and elephants on stage and crap you can barely notice the pop star sucking on paint brushes dipped in terpentine in the back of the tour bus and mumbling incoherently about wanting to fuck Jesus. Leann Rimes is far easier to tell, to the point that even other public figures are calling out her crazy. Like Brandi Glanville, the plasticine Beverly Hills Housewife she paid off to divorce her husband, so Leann could marry him and seal her fate as one crazy bitch. Or her Twitter followers she’s suing because that’s just something crazy people do.
Leann is now in England at the Country2Country event singing her heart out. If she follows the crazy handbook, she’ll soon be calling America out for being a mean place and move to Europe where she’ll attend parties thrown by ambiguously gay wealthy older men who collect found art. Just watch.
According to sources who are LeAnn Rimes, LeAnn Rimes was completely sober Wednesday night when singing a duet with 13-year-old Carly Rose Soneclar on the X-Factor. The source goes on to say that the problem, even there even was one (the source is skeptical), was that LeAnn was too thoughtful and considerate to out-sing the little kid. Which is totally a LeAnn Rimes thing to do. She’s LeAnn “what can I do to help others today” Rimes.
Soneclars mother is livid that Rimes would dare say Carly Rose was “nervous and had trouble hitting the right notes.”
(Rimes says she was sober) but says if things were awkward, it was only because, “I was trying to help this 13-year-old girl who was having some trouble with the song.”
Another possibility is that neither one of them can sing for shit, so let’s not rule that one out just yet.