LeAnn Rimes Uses Sex To Keep from Crying

By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 6:08 PM

Leann Rimes Performs A Patsy Cline Tribute At The ACA Awards In Las Vegas
LeAnn Rimes got very choked up during her Patsy Cline tribute at the American Country Awards, which I’m pretty sure is a show LeAnn made up so she could do a Patsy Cline tribute. When she got to ‘Crazy’, she followed a bandmate’s advice to think about sex to keep herself from breaking down into tears. Thoughts of mounting Clint Black momentarily helped LeAnn keep her composure. But then LeAnn felt guilty imagining Clint so she started thinking about her current husband’s dong, and thoughts quickly turned to the nanny he was likely boning behind her back, and the damn burst forth with Rimes water. Later on LeAnn admitted that the advice probably works better for men who engage in sex with a cold and animal-like dispassion rather than an anorexic cyber-bully with trust issues.

Photo Credit: Getty

Leann Rimes Posts ‘Wrecker Service’ Photo On Instagram

By Lex October 23, 2013 @ 12:07 PM

Leann Rimes Posts 'Wrecker Service' Photo On Instagram
Men fight. Women feud. Fights last until somebody gets bloody. Feuds go on for fucking ever. Leann Rimes is still sticking it to Brandi Glanville that she stole (actually, paid for) her husband a few years back now. You see these two woman at soccer games for the stepkids and just know they want to rip the shit out of each other. But they won’t. That’d be a fight. A feud would be posting a photo of yourself mocking your homewrecker title and then telling everybody it’s just a joke, knowing that Brandi Glanville is probably chugging a bottle of Isopropyl alcohol out of the first-aid kit. Women love the fucking drama. It’s the reason they live longer, just to spite each other.

Photo Credit: Leann Rimes/Instagram

Leann Rimes Singing in a Bikini

By Lex August 16, 2013 @ 4:57 PM

Leann Rimes Posts Video Of Herself Singing In A Bikini
Leann Rimes has a new TV show coming out with her husband. It’s being referred to as a scripted reality show, so, basically, not a reality show at all. It follows the real life character of Leann, the husband she bought for three mules from drunken Brandi Glanville, and the stepkids from that previous marriage. Though Brandi and the stepkids are going to be portrayed by actors so that Leann can film herself taking shits on them and they have to sit there and take it if they want to lose their SAG benefits.

Here’s Leann in a bikini singing to her friend on her friend’s 40th birthday this week. She posted it on Vine to remind everybody how fucking annoying both she and Vine are.

LeAnn Rimes In A Bikini

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 2:39 PM

LeAnn Rimes In A Bikini At The Beach In Los Angeles
There are two types of crazy. The kind where you’re mumbling in the streets pushing a shopping cart full of shredded plastic. And the kind where you’re a celebrity with enough draw and money to let your crazy leak out in little eccentric bursts. That’s Leann Rimes. The thoughts bubbling in her brain right now would scare you worse than the first time you watched The Exorcist in a completely darkened room. If she were shown Rorschach photos, she’d see ‘rat gnawing on bloody eyeball’ in every single image. She’s a deep well of dementia. Someday, she’s going to burst like Krakatoa. Until that time, she’ll just look good in a bikini and smile. That’s the tricky cover.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

LeAnn Rimes Isn’t Anorexic and She Isn’t Quitting Twitter So STFU

By Lex April 17, 2013 @ 8:38 AM

Here’s how you know somebody is anorexic. They deny it. Also, they act all excited about going to the Hometown Buffet then just nibble on a piece of butter lettuce that was meant as display.

People said I was anorexic, but I didn’t have a problem with eating as I ate a ton all the time – I could eat my husband under the table! — LeAnn Rimes to the U.K. Daily Mail

Eating her husband under the table is key because when he’s down there she can discreetly regurgitate dinner into an oversized napkin.

So what did cause LeAnn to look so gaunt this past year or so? The stress. From all the negative comments about how she started sleeping with her current husband Eddie Cibrian while he was still married to Brandi Glanville and she was still married to some other poor sap. And, by negative comments, I think she means people reciting the facts of the case. The stress was so heavy, LeAnn had to check into stress rehab! Like when David Duchovny checked into sex rehab to stop boning so many women or Anne Heche checked into lesbian rehab to stop boning so many women. Total bullshit. But LeAnn did learn at stress rehab that she doesn’t need to quit Twitter to avoid all the negativity:

The block button’s a great thing – if you talk crap to me, I’ll just block you!

Whoa, easy there rexy chick. Not the block button! Another round of stress rehab and she might find the Report as Spam button. I think it’s fair to say that LeAnn’s life has really turned the corner. Nothing but smooth sailing ahead. Until she misplaces the grape she’s been nursing for her past five meals.

LeAnn Rimes in a Bikini

By Lex April 08, 2013 @ 3:39 PM

LeAnn Rimes Bikini Poolside Miami
I’ve never heard a man call a girl he had the hots for ‘crazy’. Crazy is a word you call a girl after you’ve slept with her and she’s burning all your shit on the front lawn because you didn’t text her back after eleven minutes. LeAnn Rimes has issues. But she looks good in a bikini. Maybe it took some determined starvation and some surgery and some delusional three a.m power rants behind a 7-Eleven to get her there, but as long as it’s not your shit that’s burning on the lawn, it’s all good.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN, FameFlynet