i heart lily allen, part 23

By brendon February 03, 2009 @ 5:36 AM

The big news in London today is of course the record heat brought about by global warming.  Oh wait no.  I meant to say the heaviest snowfall in 18 years.    And even though Heathrow was brought to a standstill, hundreds of schools were closed and countless businesses took the day off, Lily Allen still found time to be adorable.  Pacific Coast says she “grabbed a coffee to go and had a snowball fight with photographers before heading to Primrose Hill for a trip on an improvised sledge.”

I never know what the hell British people are saying but I assume "sledge" means "riding a sled".  But really it could mean getting paddled for an hour and then drinking vinegar for all I know.  The Brits are pretty GD weird.

i heart lily allen, parts 21 and 22

By brendon January 22, 2009 @ 10:55 AM

Lily gets two Tyler Hearts for this one because that’s how many girls she made out with at once.  That’s my policy.  That’s how I bring it.  

"I did once snog these identical twins in San Diego," she said. "I was on the sofa and I had them both, I was dancing and shoving my arse on one of them and one on my front bottom. That's the only time, but I do have wet dreams – lesbian dreams – quite a lot"

So, she makes out with girls.  And she does anal.  And she dyes her hair pink.  What a friendly girl.  I just hope those twins were hot, because I don’t like it when ugly people make out.  I like pretty things.  It's why I cry every time I see a rainbow.

i heart lily allen, part 20

By brendon January 22, 2009 @ 12:49 AM

I think Lily Allen is adorable, and I don't have to explain our love to you, so of course I’m going to mention that she had two new songs released yesterday.  One is a live version of "He Wasn’t There" that she did yesterday for the BBC, and the other is a cover of the Clash song, "Straight To Hell".  That one is for some charity album.  I don’t know which one.  Their website was depressing so I left.  At first I thought it would be cool because the website is called Warchild, and that sounded like either a racehorse or a karate game, but it was just about kids who live in countries at war.  Boooor-ring. 

i heart lily allen, part 19

By brendon January 16, 2009 @ 10:52 AM

I simply don’t understand why everyone doesn’t love Lily Allen as much as I do. Unless you’re a narcissistic sociopath like Perez who declares anyone who doesn’t kiss his ass as a blood enemy. That’s why he doesn’t like her, and it's why he makes up blatant lies about her. She's adorable. And her laugh is infectious. Here in a clip from Dutch TV she even lets the interviewer feel her third nipple, and on top of that she’s nice enough to flash her second nipple in the process. What an awesome job this guy did. No on has done this much for society since I helped boost teen pregnancy rates in the 90's.

I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 18

By brendon January 07, 2009 @ 11:29 AM

So many big stars never give good answers to anything; they just sputter out some poorly formed nonsense that is perfectly safe and boring.  Lily Allen on the other hand…

You never hear the good things about taking cocaine … the only story is that drugs are bad and they will kill you – you will become a prostitute, a rapist or a dealer. But that's not true.  I know lots of people who take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work.  But we never hear that side of the story.  I wish people wouldn’t sensationalise it.  Some people are just bad at taking drugs.

Lily says she tried coke and didn’t like it, but please don’t think she's done pissing people off.

I don’t like Christianity much.  I was brought up in a Catholic school and they told me gays, adultery and drugs were bad.  All my mum’s friends were gay, my dad was having affairs and there were drugs in the house when I was a kid, so it was a bit cruel.

I admire her can-do spirit about coke.  We only hear the liberal medias negative spin, but without it our models would be fatasses and our linebackers would never reach a hundred tackles.  More importantly, look, if you can think of some better way to get 17-year-old runaways to do anal in a porn, I'm all ears, Mr. Fixit.

(picture source = splash news)

I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 17

By brendon January 06, 2009 @ 10:58 AM

How can you not love Lily Allen?  She’s actually a big music star, but she runs around naked constantly and is a complete pain in the ass.  She's harmless of course, she's not gonna back over you with her car and then dump your corpse in a swamp, but she is the best when it comes to stuff like this…

LILY ALLEN has combined her two favourite things — t’internet and slagging people off — to re-ignite her feud with KATY PERRY.
Writing on her Facebook page, Lily said: “I have Katy Perry’s number, someone did me a favour.
“I’m just waiting for her to open her mouth one more time then it hits Facebook.”
Lily also joined two groups on the networking site.
One is called “I hate Katy Perry and her dumb-ass song I Kissed A Girl”.
The other is “Katy Perry? Who in the hell does she think she is?”

Katy Perry is an annoying pain in the ass so screw her, I hope Katy does it.  Or send it to me, I’ll do it.  WTF do I care?  What’s gonna happen?  Is Katy not gonna sleep with me if I cross this line?  I rarely get laid anyway, and there was at least a 50 percent chance she wasn’t gonna F me regardless, so I hardly see that as any kind of threat.