I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 6

By brendon June 12, 2008 @ 10:56 AM

Lily Allen writes on her myspace today about Perez Hilton, which is maybe the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen.  Bloggers are fucking idiots.  Trust me.  Who gives a shit what we write.  Yesterday he said this:

 Lily used to be Capitol Records' "golden girl" but lately she's just been slipping. She's known these days more fore being a tragic train wreck than a musician. She knows it too. That must hurt!
 And, now, it seems she's been replaced … by none other than a Perez fad, Katy Perry, which we first introduced you to last year.
Katy also performed at our kick ass party in Austin during SXSW this past March.
Well, according to reports, a music industry insider has said, "Lily Allen is peeved at Capitol. She feels like they've shoved her aside to focus all their energies on their new girl of the moment, Katy Perry."
But the real insult, according to the source, came when the label "replaced a photo of Lily Allen with one of Katy Perry" in its office main lobby.
Ha ha ha!!!!!
Lily is starting to look like washed-up goods.
The only thing that can save Allen now???? If she makes a good sophomore album!
But, from what we're hearing, Lily's new material s-u-c-k-s.

You can hear Lilys new music on her myspace.  If you like radio stuff, it's fucking great.  "I Don’t Know" will be huge, mark it.  Everyone does know that Perez makes up his inside sources, right?  He just makes shit up.  If he doesn’t like you, he pretends he has inside sources and then talks shit about you.  I talk to producers and actors all the time, I'm repped by a major major major agency as a screenwriter, yet no one ever tells me shit (i know you're reading this you lazy tight lipped bastards).  If you don’t kiss up to Perez like Paris Hilton does, he attacks you.  And Lily says as much.

I don't know why this has annoyed me so much. If I'm honest, it's probably because part of it is true these days I am more known for being a train wreck than a musician, and it does hurt. I've been working really hard on my new record; I don't think it sucks by the way. I haven't released a record for two years, so it's totally understandable that people don't write about my music anymore, however it's not fair to say that I'm washed up and it's not fair to make up these feuds between people. Not everyone's lives are fuelled by egos and jealousy, mine is certainly not. There was a time when Amy came out, that I was a little jealous, she has an amazing voice and writes incredible songs, what singer wouldn't be a little jealous of that, but I'd never let those feelings become unhealthy. And this is not meant in any way but I'd never heard of Katy Perry before I came here a few days ago, I didn't even know she was on Capitol, who by the way are not my label. I am signed to Regal Records in the UK and Capitol distributes my records here in America. I don't feel like I've been shoved aside for anyone, I haven't got a record out yet, so why would anyone be focusing their energies on me when there's nothing to work on! I have never been a "golden girl" and I think I visited Capitols office in New York once, about a year a half ago, I very much doubt they had a picture of me in their lobby. The point I'm trying to make is these stories are just not true. If the word reportedly exists in a story it means that it's pretty much a lie, just so you know, it means they can't prove what they're writing and their covering their backs. Perez doesn't do this even he just writes things that aren't true with no shame about it, and it's sad. I read these posts on his website about anti – bullying campaigns and all these good causes, and while I used to enjoy reading his site it seems to me he has become what he hates so much a bully. He bullies young, successful females; people usually bully people they're jealous of so I'll let you come to your own conclusion on that one. Anyway, I've got nothing against Perez personally, I don't assume to know him, what I do know is though. Is that he has a HUGE crush on my old manager, who I fired with a few months ago. Maybe this is his way of getting in his good books, or maybe it's because I turned down the opportunity of going on his TV show when he asked me to, who knows?
Anyways, I hope you'll all like my new material, if not, looks like I'll have to find something else to do.  I'm going to work now
Lil"

I know this shit was long and boring and confusing, but you know else is confusing?  Love.

(picture source = splash news.  editors note = she's adorable)



I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 5

By brendon June 04, 2008 @ 9:10 AM

Finally some decent pictures of Lilly Allen drunk as hell last night, getting carried home by security after the Glamour Magazine Woman of the Year awards.  Hopefully these security guys are all gay.  Carrying home a passed out drunk girl can lead to some shenanigans.  I know this to be true first hand, but I won't divulge any details.  I'm sorry, but a gentleman doesn’t talk about that sort of thing.



I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 4

By brendon June 04, 2008 @ 5:53 AM

I love Lily Allen because she’s always starting fights and getting drunk and she does anal, and last night she showed off her new pink hair (which is fuckin sexy.  more chicks should get pink or orange or blood red hair) before winning the Editors Speacial Award at the Glamour Magazine Woman of the Year Awards.  Then she got so drunk she had to be carried home and put to bed by her brother.  This crazy bitch rules.  The Sun UK says…

Hungover Lily is paying the price for her heavy boozing today, admitting she’s feeling “awful” after her “embarrassing” display at the London event.
She credits her brother ALFIE with getting her safely tucked up in bed, although he was also drunk, telling fans on her MySpace site that she was too hammered to navigate her own way back home.
She wrote: “Oh dear. Last time I wrote here, I was defending my honour and dignity, explaining my innocence and also outrage at the press for insinuating my behaviour was embarrassing.
“This time I'm putting my hands up. I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk. I feel awful and I have to thank my little brother Alf for getting me home safely."
And Lily is hoping her wild behaviour will convince children of the evils of alcohol.
She added: “Kids, drink responsibly or you'll end up looking like this – not pretty!
"Was quite fun though, from what I can remember. Need fry up now.”

Lily is sending a mixed message there, but she’s also right.  Drinking is fun, but it can also be ugly.  The first 5 hours are awesome, but then you wake up 4 days later covered in someone else’s blood and you have to burn down the high school to hide the evidence and nine months later some kid is born with hanger scars all over his forehead and despite your claims that he’s some kind of magic Harry Potter-esque messiah everyone knows the awful truth.  Oh well.  Such is life, yes?

(picture source = splash news online)



I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 3

By brendon May 20, 2008 @ 6:19 AM

Lily Allen’s drunken naked antics have won her a special place in my heart, but apparently the same cant be said for millionaire F1 owner Flavio Briatore.  The Sun says…

LILY ALLEN is making an almighty splash in Cannes. She was booted off Formula 1 boss FLAVIO BRIATORE’s yacht after some spectacular boozy behaviour.
Lil ripped off her bikini top and threw herself off the side of the boat in a moment of drunken excitement. The crew had to fish her out of the Med because she looked like she was about to drown.
Once she was back on board red-faced Flavio covered her up with her dress because he was embarrassed by her inappropriate antics. Then she was told, in no uncertain terms, it might be best to retire for the evening.

In Flavios defense, it's annoying when a drunk naked girl dies on your yacht.  Unless you’re a few miles off the coast and no one else is around.  Then it's not so bad.

I HEART LILY ALLEN, PART 2

By brendon May 14, 2008 @ 9:11 AM

The Cannes Film Festival begins this week, and Lily Allen is there for some reason that I neither know nor care about because she went swimming topless.  For some reason I think this chick is awesome even though she’s 40 pounds overweight and I hate her stupid blond hair.  And by “for some reason”, I mean, “tits!”

(picture source = splash news online)



OH NO

By brendon January 18, 2008 @ 9:08 AM

The Sun UK reports today that Lily Allen, pregnant since around mid November, has lost her baby.  Not literally, of course.  She had a miscarriage.

Singer Lily, 22, and boyfriend Ed Simons, 37, were last night being comforted by family and friends after she had a miscarriage.
Lily and the Chemical Brothers star had just returned home after a romantic holiday in the Maldives when she tragically lost her baby.
A source said: “Lily and Ed are in a state of shock.
“The bad news has been really difficult for them to take and they are absolutely heartbroken.
“Lily’s entire outlook on life changed after she found out she was pregnant. She was looking forward to being a mum and starting a family with Ed.
“She had turned her back on her party girl image and had turned over a new leaf.
“They are surrounded by friends and family are offering support. It is a really difficult time for them.”

Well this is just awful.  Lily Allen is cool and there’s nothing funny about a miscarriage.  Unless they had a miscarriage because someone hit them in the face with a pie and then they slipped on a banana peel and then someone said, "Wakka Wakka Wakka!"  I guess that would be a little funny.  "Wakka Wakka Wakka" is comedy gold.  It just works.