I HEART LILY ALLEN

By brendon January 02, 2008 @ 9:15 AM

I knew I liked Lily Allen.

Lilly Allen has admitted she has anal sex with her boyfriend Ed Simons.
The pop star made the shocking revelation to her father after he questioned whether she had slept with the 37-year-old.
Lily, the daughter of actor Keith Allen, said: "I was with mum, dad, his wife and my sister. We were all sitting round and I said my nipples really hurt today.'  My dad's wife said maybe you're pregnant. I said no I'm not pregnant and my dad went: 'Are you telling me you and your boyfriend haven't had sex?'  I said: 'Well yes but I didn't think you could have sex by having it in the bum bum!' "

When asked for a comment, her dad said absolutely nothing, because right after this he got up from the breakfast table where his daughter was detailing her anal adventures and blew his fucking brains out.

LILY ALLEN IS PREGNANT TOO

By brendon December 19, 2007 @ 8:14 AM

Aww what the hell.  Now the Sun UK says that Lily Allen (who I like but will deny it later then call you a dick if you bring it up) is pregnant as well.  Lily is 22, her boyfriend, Ed Simons of the Chemical Brothers, is 37.  Well done, Ed.  The Sun says:

LILY ALLEN is all smiles after discovering she is pregnant with her first child, The Sun can reveal.
The 22-year-old singer found she was expecting last month, but has only revealed the news to close family.
A source close to the singer said: “Lily is thrilled to be pregnant and can’t wait to become a mum. She’s a real family person.  Ed’s very happy. He is really looking after her.”

It's a good thing I hate the Chemical Brothers and don't listen to them, because this could very well ruin them.  It sounds like video poker music.

LILY ALLEN IS NOT A LINGERIE MODEL

By brendon November 09, 2007 @ 3:34 PM

I think Lily Allen is cool, because she seems like a troublemaker and she has super upbeat songs that sound all cheery until you realize they're about old ladies getting beaten up.  And now she's lost a bunch of weight and looks kinda maybe hot lately.  But that doesn't mean she's going to be the new face of Agent Provocateur lingerie, despite what some are saying.  Ok! magazine says:

Earlier this week, the Internet was abuzz with reports that British pop star Lily Allen had been signed as the new spokesmodel for UK lingerie line Agent Provocateur. However, when OK! talked to a rep for the company, they were telling a very different story.
“That simply isn’t true,” a rep for the uber-sexy lingerie line tells OK!. “The French actress Vahina Giocante will make her debut in January.”

This is Valhalla Giwhatshername, and I don't see how she's any better than Lily.  She has those big teeth that bug me, like the monster from Aliens.  And believe it or not, I haven't masturbated to the monster in Aliens as many times as the people at Agent Provocateur seem to think.  Granted, I've never seen it with a black lace bra and a come-hither gaze.

LILY ALLEN MAKES LIKE PROM BABY

By brendon August 19, 2007 @ 8:19 AM

Alternate caption: British people dress stupid. 

Tri-nipular singer Lily Allen, who already holds a special place in my heart for being able to pronounce the word "twat" in such a way that it rhymes with "cat", further endeared herself by getting so butthoused that she thought it'd be a great idea to have her friends carry her around in a giant shopping bag.  You know, to avoid paparazzi.

British people are so polite.  I always hope my friends are going to carry me around like that after I get hammered, but usually I just wake up smelling like balls with "fartknocker" written on my eyelids in sharpie.

Also, I think her stylist has Down Syndrome.  Or her stylist thinks Lily has Down Syndrome.  One of the two. 



LILY ALLEN IS FUN

By brendon July 17, 2007 @ 2:50 PM

Lily Allen is vacationing this week in Koh Samui, which is Thailands third largest island, and either I got rebuilt by the government with x-ray vision during my nap or she went swimming topless.  I hope it's the first one, because I think it would be cool to have x-ray vision.  I'd be like Superman, only with less saving people and way more hanging out at the mall and masturbating.

(go here for the non-white-block version)



LILY ALLEN HAS THREE

By brendon July 16, 2007 @ 12:53 PM

Lily Allen is pretty much the coolest chick in the world, and she doesn't seem to mind pulling her shirt down when the topic of conversation turns to nipples.  Just like your mom, like that time when she licked her finger and then ran her hands down and told me she had sensitive breasts.  I must confess, I thought it was a little inappropriate.