By brendon May 14, 2008 @ 9:11 AM

The Cannes Film Festival begins this week, and Lily Allen is there for some reason that I neither know nor care about because she went swimming topless.  For some reason I think this chick is awesome even though she’s 40 pounds overweight and I hate her stupid blond hair.  And by “for some reason”, I mean, “tits!”

(picture source = splash news online)


By brendon January 18, 2008 @ 9:08 AM

The Sun UK reports today that Lily Allen, pregnant since around mid November, has lost her baby.  Not literally, of course.  She had a miscarriage.

Singer Lily, 22, and boyfriend Ed Simons, 37, were last night being comforted by family and friends after she had a miscarriage.
Lily and the Chemical Brothers star had just returned home after a romantic holiday in the Maldives when she tragically lost her baby.
A source said: “Lily and Ed are in a state of shock.
“The bad news has been really difficult for them to take and they are absolutely heartbroken.
“Lily’s entire outlook on life changed after she found out she was pregnant. She was looking forward to being a mum and starting a family with Ed.
“She had turned her back on her party girl image and had turned over a new leaf.
“They are surrounded by friends and family are offering support. It is a really difficult time for them.”

Well this is just awful.  Lily Allen is cool and there’s nothing funny about a miscarriage.  Unless they had a miscarriage because someone hit them in the face with a pie and then they slipped on a banana peel and then someone said, "Wakka Wakka Wakka!"  I guess that would be a little funny.  "Wakka Wakka Wakka" is comedy gold.  It just works.


By brendon January 02, 2008 @ 9:15 AM

I knew I liked Lily Allen.

Lilly Allen has admitted she has anal sex with her boyfriend Ed Simons.
The pop star made the shocking revelation to her father after he questioned whether she had slept with the 37-year-old.
Lily, the daughter of actor Keith Allen, said: "I was with mum, dad, his wife and my sister. We were all sitting round and I said my nipples really hurt today.'  My dad's wife said maybe you're pregnant. I said no I'm not pregnant and my dad went: 'Are you telling me you and your boyfriend haven't had sex?'  I said: 'Well yes but I didn't think you could have sex by having it in the bum bum!' "

When asked for a comment, her dad said absolutely nothing, because right after this he got up from the breakfast table where his daughter was detailing her anal adventures and blew his fucking brains out.


By brendon December 19, 2007 @ 8:14 AM

Aww what the hell.  Now the Sun UK says that Lily Allen (who I like but will deny it later then call you a dick if you bring it up) is pregnant as well.  Lily is 22, her boyfriend, Ed Simons of the Chemical Brothers, is 37.  Well done, Ed.  The Sun says:

LILY ALLEN is all smiles after discovering she is pregnant with her first child, The Sun can reveal.
The 22-year-old singer found she was expecting last month, but has only revealed the news to close family.
A source close to the singer said: “Lily is thrilled to be pregnant and can’t wait to become a mum. She’s a real family person.  Ed’s very happy. He is really looking after her.”

It's a good thing I hate the Chemical Brothers and don't listen to them, because this could very well ruin them.  It sounds like video poker music.


By brendon November 09, 2007 @ 3:34 PM

I think Lily Allen is cool, because she seems like a troublemaker and she has super upbeat songs that sound all cheery until you realize they're about old ladies getting beaten up.  And now she's lost a bunch of weight and looks kinda maybe hot lately.  But that doesn't mean she's going to be the new face of Agent Provocateur lingerie, despite what some are saying.  Ok! magazine says:

Earlier this week, the Internet was abuzz with reports that British pop star Lily Allen had been signed as the new spokesmodel for UK lingerie line Agent Provocateur. However, when OK! talked to a rep for the company, they were telling a very different story.
“That simply isn’t true,” a rep for the uber-sexy lingerie line tells OK!. “The French actress Vahina Giocante will make her debut in January.”

This is Valhalla Giwhatshername, and I don't see how she's any better than Lily.  She has those big teeth that bug me, like the monster from Aliens.  And believe it or not, I haven't masturbated to the monster in Aliens as many times as the people at Agent Provocateur seem to think.  Granted, I've never seen it with a black lace bra and a come-hither gaze.


By brendon August 19, 2007 @ 8:19 AM

Alternate caption: British people dress stupid. 

Tri-nipular singer Lily Allen, who already holds a special place in my heart for being able to pronounce the word "twat" in such a way that it rhymes with "cat", further endeared herself by getting so butthoused that she thought it'd be a great idea to have her friends carry her around in a giant shopping bag.  You know, to avoid paparazzi.

British people are so polite.  I always hope my friends are going to carry me around like that after I get hammered, but usually I just wake up smelling like balls with "fartknocker" written on my eyelids in sharpie.

Also, I think her stylist has Down Syndrome.  Or her stylist thinks Lily has Down Syndrome.  One of the two.