Lindsay Lohan Is The New Queen Of England

By Travis January 15, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

We teach children not to feed wild animals because they can become dependent on humans as a food source and it fucks up the whole circle of life. Consider Lindsay Lohan a rabid, tired-looking raccoon and the London police are a stupid little kid that just gave her a giant platter of lobster. Three nights ago, police in London reportedly provided a free escort for Lindsay and her male companion for their night out, which seemed a bit preposterous for a washed up 27-year old with the voice of one of those awful anti-smoking ads. But according to WENN, the police were back last night to play security detail for Lindsay, with at least six officers standing by to make sure she and her friends could drive as fast as they wanted.

The only way this is acceptable is if the police figured wasting all of this money and manpower on one stupid girl was necessary to avoid pedestrian deaths from inevitable drunk driving, or if they’re going to plant cocaine on her. Either way, she’s London’s problem now, no take backs.

Photo Credits: Will Alexander/

Lindsay Lohan Is The Most Important Person In London

By Travis January 13, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Still clearly devastated over the “theft” of her laptop that contained a bunch of naked pictures of her that we’ll probably see in the next week or so, Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend in London, and even hit the town with an unknown male friend on Saturday night. No big deal, sure, except that Lindsay and her friend called the local police to provide them an escort and make the paparazzi stop taking their pictures. The cops reportedly blocked traffic for 10 minutes while Lindsay walked out of the house, almost exposing her crotch, and got in her car, before following her car to ensure her safety. Criticism aside, the world already suffered from the loss of Princess Di under similar circumstances, so it’s better safe than sorry with this equally important angel of a woman.

Photo Credits: Will Alexander/

Lindsay Lohan Is Feeling A Little Shy

By Travis January 10, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Clearly still devastated over her “stolen” laptop with all of the naked pictures that she doesn’t want anyone to see, Lindsay Lohan stopped in London after leaving China, and she grabbed some dinner last night at Chakana with a friend. But she wasn’t really feeling all of the attention from the paparazzi so her friend threw her coat over her head until Lindsay realized that it was a stupid idea and just showed us that 47-year old’s smile on a 27 year old’s head. And then they got into their ride the only way they know how – by falling all over each other like a couple of drunk divorcées who just left the dick club.

Photo Credits:

Thieves Want Cash for the Safe Return of Lindsay Lohan Nudes

By Jack January 09, 2014 @ 3:47 PM

It seems that the thieves that stole Lindsay Lohan’s computer want money for its safe return. We told you about Lindsay getting her laptop stolen while on a visit to China. Apparently there are naked pics of the fire crotch on the hard drive. The Tweets in which she raised the alarm about losing the computer have since been deleted. It’s thought that the thieves Tweeted from Lindsay’s computer just to prove they had the machine. It’s unclear how much they want but I guarantee you she’s going to have to dip deeply into her skiing fund to pay for it. This could be seen as a cautionary tale not to keep naked pictures of yourself off your computer or cell phone. You know, like the last ten thousand such similar cautionary tales over the past half dozen years. A quick check of my devices shows… nope, my legendary sized monster cock is nowhere to be seen. Leaked nude pictures of Lindsay could easily threaten her German language Cinemax career and derail her future plans to be Mayor of McDonaldland when that bastard McCheese finally steps down. There are real consequences here to Lindsay’s reputation.

Someone Stole All The Naked Photos On Lindsay Lohan’s Laptop

By Travis January 08, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

In a since-deleted Tweet, Lindsay Lohan claims that her laptop was stolen while she was at the airport in China, where she was recently honored with a fashion award by some people who really needed any celebrity in the world to show up. For most people, it would probably be a lost cause and time for a new laptop, but Lindsay is offering a reward for anyone who finds her computer, because there are apparently a bunch of nude pictures on it.

According to TMZ, Lindsay had a bunch of photos from photo shoots that were never released, as well as some saved conversations with various celebrities that she doesn’t want to get out. Sure, I get the part about the other celebrities, but she’s really upset about the nude pics? Does she know how Google works? Because it literally takes three seconds for me before I’m staring at her tits, and it’s really nothing special. In fact, I’m kind of sad now.

Photo Credit: Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Is Back In The Studio

By Travis December 16, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Now that Lindsay Lohan has drummed up some terrible publicity for herself after she was accused by Barron Hilton of telling Ray LeMoine to beat the shit out of him at a party, it’s time for her to do what she does best – make some mediocre pop and dance music that nobody will buy. Lindsay posted some pictures to her Instagram this morning and they all suggest that she’s working on a new album, which should make anybody who can name even two of her previous songs very excited. To be slightly fair, though, her 2004 album “Speak” sold 1.1 million copies, but her 2005 album “A Little More Personal” sold less than half of that. If my math is correct, that means that a new album, more than eight years later, will sell approximately -4 million copies.