By Jack March 28, 2014 @ 12:27 PM
Overexposed human tampon James Franco is denying claims that he doinked Lindsay Lohan. Franco’s name appears alongside other useless Hollywood pretty looking men like Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and Orlando Bloom on a list of the people Lindsay has tried to unleash her herp upon. According to Franco they are just friends and her list is basically a steaming pile of shit, just like her movies. He says,
“Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list…I mean, I don’t want to brag about it,” he said. “I don’t know how that got out … She was having issues even then, so you feel weird. Honestly, she was a friend. I’ve met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don’t want to do that.”
This is in spite of the fact that Franco just wrote poems about Lohan in his latest book of shitty poetry. In my experience of dudes who feel obliged to pen poetry, you really only write about girls who’ve gobbled your knob, or you really wish would do so. Look, I get it, you fucked Lindsay Lohan and you are ashamed of it. We’ve all planted our flags in god forsaken lands we wish we could disremember. And there surely was no more forsaken plot of land than Lindsay Lohan’s Vodka-soaked snatch patch circa 2007. But own up to it. You’ve already come out as not gay, which disappointed the large majority of your male fans who dream of running their dicks through your hair. Seal the deal by admitting you railed Lindsay, then repeatedly punched Zac Efron in the neck until he took seconds. Honesty really is the best policy.
By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 4:34 PM
This is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or the call from your doctor with your lab results. InTouch magazine is slowly leaking out more names from the Lindsay Lohan sex partner list they purchased last month, trying to get as many bucks from their Lindsay bang list as possible. New names include Benicio Del Toro, Orlando Bloom, Ashton Kutcher, and a whole bunch of male models and wealthy family scions who have in common cocaine and penetrating Lindsay, in that particular order. Her famous list is now pushing past B-list and into the space where you need to explain who these people are. The remaining names are set to come out in just one more edition of InTouch, as the dying print magazine business tries to save itself through raunchy gutter trafficking. Anticipated last round of names include that cute guy nobody remembers from that CW show in 2007, former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, and the dude at the 7-Eleven who knows how Lindsay likes her vodka packed in water bottles. Thought it’s unclear whether those last two names on her list refer to the same person.
By Jack March 20, 2014 @ 2:51 PM
Lindsay Lohan fired her sobriety life coach Michael Cormier the second after the cameras stopped rolling on her OWN reality show. Cormier was assigned to follow the light to moderate-light drinking Mean Girls star and make sure that she stayed sober and out of trouble following her latest unsuccessful stint in rehab. Cormier is apparently featured in the show as the blockade between Lindsay and her succulent eight ball desires. Lindsay remaining sober was an important part of the show as it’s for Oprah’s feel good self help bullshit network. Not that Lindsay took shooting the show very seriously, but it was a paycheck.As soon as they wrapped shooting, LiLo fired Cormier and had her drunk mom drive her around searching the rectums of her sex list partners for her secreted stash. It’s all good though. Oprah already has a memorial special cut from existing footage. She always wins.
By Travis March 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Now that Lindsay Lohan has people buzzing about her again with the “random” “leak” of her celebrity fuck list and not because the trailer for her Oprah Winfrey docu-series makes her look like a spoiled asshole being enabled by her sociopathic mom, she wants to remind us all that her huge Hollywood comeback starts with the show 2 Broke Girls. Kat Dennings, who stars on the show with some other girl, posted a photo to Instagram of her and Lindsay in wedding dresses to tease fans for her eventual cameo. I don’t watch the show, because I prefer comedy that makes me laugh, but I assume that Kat’s and Lindsay’s characters are having a lesbian wedding, because there’s no way that a respectable male is ever going near Lindsay’s actor trap again.
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 3:32 PM
How many times have you been out with your friends pretending not to drink because you’re on probation and you ended up writing down a list of everybody you’ve ever doinked on lined pre-numbered paper? Yeah, same here. But Lindsay Lohan did. Then casually tossed it aside at the Beverly Hills Hotel where she was with her girlfriends pretending not to drink. Her list includes the names Adam Levine, Justin Timberlake, Wilmer What’s His Face, Colin Ferrell, and Zac Efron, from when he still liked girls. We kind of knew most of this. Then there’s a bunch of names blurred out by InTouch, presumably because they’re civilians, or just prime extortion candidates for the struggling magazine. Either way, when your name appears on a list confirming you as Eskimo brothers with Colin Farrell, it’s probably time to get a shot or tourniquet your penis in some manner. I suppose you could view the discovery of this crumpled up list as merely coincidentally timed to the debut of Lindsay’s crazy boring new reality show on the Fat Oprah Network. If you were a moron.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis March 05, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
In the first full trailer for Queen Oprah’s ultimate spin machine ‘docu-series’, Lindsay, the former talk show host and current network head learns what everyone already knew about Lindsay Lohan – that she’s a spoiled, misguided, arrogant has-been. But Oprah thinks that the actress deserves yet another chance, because there’s a huge chunk of the public that loves watching a former child star continuously trip over her own stupid errors and blow every last opportunity that she receives. In addition to watching Dina Lohan pretend that she’s mom of the year while Michael Lohan takes the direct blame, Lindsay’s sober coach tells the camera that she’s still not sober, so Oprah has to board her chariot and take matters into her own hands to tell Lindsay to knock her spoiled baby bullshit off. Honestly, it looks pretty decent.