By Lex September 16, 2013 @ 6:15 PM
If anybody deserves some TLC, it’s Dina Lohan. Between the arrests and the begging and the narcotics and the sick desire to look like her offspring, mom gets a little tired of sacrificing so much for others. She needs a night to be the center of attention. Which is why in grand Lohan tradition, Lindsay took off her bra and snuck into her mom’s place to whisk her mom away for a special birthday dinner. But not before Lindsay expressed her birthday wishes in the tone of an abused prepubescent girl on Twitter.
You don’t learn that kind of authenticity even in six stints in rehab. That’s real fucked up psyche right there. Though it may pale in comparison to anorexic Ali Lohan’s birthday Tweet:
Dina consulted with her attorney and quickly denied being responsible for making Ali who she is today. .
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 4:32 PM
Lindsay Lohan didn’t leave rehab with just the Freshman Fifteen packed on, she got herself a Sober Coach who tracks her every move. Lindsay’s also got Oprah now as her spiritual guide, like a fat Jiminy Cricket on her shoulder telling her all the shit she shouldn’t be doing. Between the two wet blankets, they’ve managed to keep Lindsay on the wagon for an entire month. Partly by nixing some of her travel and work plans, like attending a VMA after party, for fear she’d swig some vodka and beg the boys from One Direction to turn her into a giant swamp of British love seed. They did approve Lindsay attending Fashion Week last night to see her anorexic sister’s show. I guess they also approved her dressing like she’s a long since retired porn actress embarrassing her grandson at his bar mitzvah with sloppy cleavage. Oprah needs to whisper into Lindsay’s ear that it’s time to lose a little tit weight.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex August 28, 2013 @ 11:27 AM
Just when you thought Michael Lohan couldn’t be more of a Sir Walter Raleigh figure, he goes and takes the blame for Lindsay turning from a teen party girl into a 20-something fall down drunk and drug addict.
“It was not her fault. I love her for saying that, but there was no need to say it.”
Specifically, Michael blames his divorce from Dina as the trigger for Lindsay’s substance abuse. Which is a nice way of not blaming the alleged beatings he gave his wife, pushing his young daughter into show business to pay the family bills, his multiple stints in jail and prison, his own drug addictions, his betrayals of her confidence to turn a buck for himself, his cheesy public affairs and siring of more children, and just having some really unfortunate looking hair plugs. To name a few. So, just like Sir Walter Raleigh, if Raleigh had been a total shitbag. Way to fall on the sword, Mikey.
Here’s Lindsay in SoHo yesterday. Everybody’s saying she’s never looked better, which roughly translates to, ‘I can’t believe she’s still alive.’
Photo Credit: PCN, Splash
By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 1:04 PM
It took me a while to watch the Lindsay Lohan interview with Fat Oprah. I had a few other things on my DVR in higher priority. All six seasons of Mad Men that I’ve told people I watched but lied, that episode of The Closer where Kyra Sedgwick teaches everybody a lesson in underestimating her, and a bunch of women’s college softball games for when I have the place to myself. Lindsay looks like an ex-addict shiny high on rehab. Like everyone else fresh out of mandatory counseling, she’s taking full responsibility for her actions.
‘I hate the bad rap my parents get. They’re just parents, at the end of the day. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes.’
Yeah, but they’re not just parents. Your dad’s a violent steroid addicted dude who has sold you out on many occasions in between jail stints. Your mom is a drug and alcohol abusing whorebag who had a makeover to look just like you so she could more easily steal your money and cocaine. Yeah, you’re not the only person to grow up with shitty parents, but a good percentage of those people are fucked up too. You need to tell Fat Oprah that your parents a pair of abusive self-indulgent assholes that you’d like to kick in the fucking teeth. Trust me, it’ll go a much longer way toward healing than this total accepting of responsibility nonsense.
Here’s Lindsay outside a restaurant trying to hide the fact that she’s smoking cigarettes. I don’t ever want to go through rehab. It makes you ashamed of everything fun.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey finally aired last night on OWN, and this is just a wild guess, but I assume that the $2 million she was paid for it has already been blown. That’s because Lindsay finally admitted that she was an addict, hooked on alcohol, cocaine and Adderall, and if everything that movies and TLC shows have taught me about addiction is true, she was probably offering Oprah’s assistants rimjobs for a can of air duster by the third question.
Lindsay might have also revealed a lot of additional personal information, but I couldn’t hear her over Oprah cutting her off during every answer to ask the next question. I’m starting to think the way Oprah gets her guests to cry is by frustrating them and pissing them off so much that they just want to rip her throat out. Then they unwind later by smoking some crack and have to come back and do it all over again. It’s genius, really.
By Lex August 06, 2013 @ 4:36 PM
Coming off the high of successfully hiding much of her rehab fat on Chelsea Lately last night, Lindsay Lohan was out in New York City, looking like ninety-four days of sobriety fake happy. Lindsay was scheduled to head off to Europe, but was talked out of an overseas adventure so soon after rehab by Oprah Winfrey, who promised Lindsay her own special if she’d stay domestic. Even Lindsay’s parents are trying to hork her cash so she can’t spend it on drugs. Everyone is lining up behind Lindsay to build her a loving nest of support. What could possibly go wrong? We should know in about a week.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet