Once people figured that The Canyons was not going to be some remarkable Paul Schrader comeback film, but just a pile of directorial off-smelling spunk, all anybody cared about was whether or not Lindsay Lohan was going to show her tits. She does. Lots of them. Not quite as big as her recent out-of-rehab grandmotherly choke hold tits, but still an impressive offering. You can see Lindsay Lohan tits HERE. I can’t show you her bare nipples on here or NASA disintegrates my apartment with a laser from space or something like that. I believe pretty much whatever anybody tells me. That thing they told me about The Canyons sucking but Lindsay shows her tits a bunch did seem to pan out.
Rehab was very good to Lindsay Lohan and her breasts, swollen with pride at surviving three months of hanging out at the beach and smoking cigarettes and owning her addictions. Statistically speaking, there’s only a hundred percent chance that Lindsay will start using again. She should probably leave her smaller cocaine body bras packed in a bag for her next visit.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com
Lindsay Lohan’s “people” were claiming as recently as last week that as soon as she gets out of this latest rehab stint, she wants to move somewhere off the grid and focus on remaining sober and keeping out of the public eye. Of course, that will never, ever, never-ever-ever-ever happen, because as soon as she smells a Parliament Light, she’ll probably be on the first pilot’s lap back to Los Angeles.
But now there’s a surprise twist to Lindsay’s upcoming July 31 release from rehab – she’s going to get $2 million and two personal assistants from Oprah Winfrey for an 8-episode “documentary series” that will chronicle her struggles and her latest attempt at a comeback. And we could rip on Oprah for empowering this freckled nightmare, but Lindsay is 27 now and strange things happen to celebrities at that age. So there’s a decent chance Oprah just bought first class seats for the last stop on this train wreck.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
The Canyons is being promoted as an ‘erotic thriller’, which means it’s going to suck even worse than anyone could have imagined. The movie starring Lindsay Lohan and the dude who backdoored the Teen Mom, is finally premiering in New York in a couple of weeks. Lindsay is getting out of rehab just in time to hit the red carpet of the horrid affair. Even the film director is now openly referring to Lindsay as a ‘troubled train wreck’. Paul Schrader said of Lindsay:
Lohan “feels she must be experiencing an emotion in order to play it. This leads to all sorts of emotional turmoil, not to mention on-set delays and melodrama”.
I assume he means she needed to feel the emotion of ‘super fucking high’ and ‘wicked drunk and wet in her horny parts’ in order to play her role. If Schrader ever visited her off set he’d know this is not really an acting process for Lindsay so much as just a Tuesday.
While everybody with a real degree in some science is urging Lindsay Lohan to continue residing in a sober inpatient facility after her 90-day court order ends at the end of July, Lindsay has instead chosen her mom’s house. So, the opposite of a sober facility. More like a crack den rife with crazy. It should be an interesting experiment to see whether a woman who has repeatedly failed at shaking her drug and alcohol addition is actually supported by moving in with her enabling drug addicted mother. That’s not really an experiment I guess. But it is wonderful news for Lindsay’s suppliers.
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It’d be easy to feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan who spent her birthday in Malibu rehab. The smokes canteen still closes at 10pm, birthday or not. Lindsay is left only to play Pictionary with her rehab buddies stone cold sober. How many times can you draw a picture of a vodka bottle sticking out of a vagina and expect your teammates to guess the word ‘happiness’.
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