Oprah Is Giving Lindsay Lohan A TV Show

By Travis July 16, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Lindsay Lohan’s “people” were claiming as recently as last week that as soon as she gets out of this latest rehab stint, she wants to move somewhere off the grid and focus on remaining sober and keeping out of the public eye. Of course, that will never, ever, never-ever-ever-ever happen, because as soon as she smells a Parliament Light, she’ll probably be on the first pilot’s lap back to Los Angeles.

But now there’s a surprise twist to Lindsay’s upcoming July 31 release from rehab – she’s going to get $2 million and two personal assistants from Oprah Winfrey for an 8-episode “documentary series” that will chronicle her struggles and her latest attempt at a comeback. And we could rip on Oprah for empowering this freckled nightmare, but Lindsay is 27 now and strange things happen to celebrities at that age. So there’s a decent chance Oprah just bought first class seats for the last stop on this train wreck.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Director of The Canyons Calls Lindsay a Major Pain in the Ass

By Lex July 11, 2013 @ 4:27 PM

Lindsay Lohan In The Trailer For The Canyons
The Canyons is being promoted as an ‘erotic thriller’, which means it’s going to suck even worse than anyone could have imagined. The movie starring Lindsay Lohan and the dude who backdoored the Teen Mom, is finally premiering in New York in a couple of weeks. Lindsay is getting out of rehab just in time to hit the red carpet of the horrid affair. Even the film director is now openly referring to Lindsay as a ‘troubled train wreck’. Paul Schrader said of Lindsay:

Lohan “feels she must be experiencing an emotion in order to play it. This leads to all sorts of emotional turmoil, not to mention on-set delays and melodrama”.

I assume he means she needed to feel the emotion of ‘super fucking high’ and ‘wicked drunk and wet in her horny parts’ in order to play her role. If Schrader ever visited her off set he’d know this is not really an acting process for Lindsay so much as just a Tuesday.

Lindsay Lohan Moving In With Mom

By Lex July 10, 2013 @ 5:20 PM

Lindsay And Dina Lohan Shop On Robertson Blvd In Los Angeles
While everybody with a real degree in some science is urging Lindsay Lohan to continue residing in a sober inpatient facility after her 90-day court order ends at the end of July, Lindsay has instead chosen her mom’s house. So, the opposite of a sober facility. More like a crack den rife with crazy. It should be an interesting experiment to see whether a woman who has repeatedly failed at shaking her drug and alcohol addition is actually supported by moving in with her enabling drug addicted mother. That’s not really an experiment I guess. But it is wonderful news for Lindsay’s suppliers.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Lindsay Lohan Celebrated Her Birthday In Rehab

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 2:16 PM

Lindsay Lohan Celebrates Her 27th Birthday In Rehab In Malibu
It’d be easy to feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan who spent her birthday in Malibu rehab. The smokes canteen still closes at 10pm, birthday or not.  Lindsay is left only to play Pictionary with her rehab buddies stone cold sober. How many times can you draw a picture of a vodka bottle sticking out of a vagina and expect your teammates to guess the word ‘happiness’.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Going Into the Wild After Rehab

By Lex July 02, 2013 @ 1:31 PM

Lindsay Lohan now realizes that the only way to save herself from her addictions is to disappear. Hide from the media, parties, her drug toting friends in Los Angeles and New York. When she gets out of rehab, she’s headed out into the wild. Somewhere far away where she can get back in touch with her true self. Which just happens to be a drug-addicted heavy drinking big city party girl. So expect that trip to be short.

Lindsay Lohan Is Almost Totally Cured

By Travis July 01, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Lindsay Lohan has apparently been doing great in her latest rehab stint at the Betty Ford Clinic, because we’ve barely heard anything about her, so it must mean that the quacks are exorcising her demons. Fortunately, TMZ reached out to its super-secret source of all things Lindsay, which means her mom or dad, and found out that the cokehound may have finally been caged.

For starters, TMZ reports that Lindsay has kicked her Adderal addiction, which leaves poverty and terrorism as America’s final hurdles to Utopia. But Lindsay’s people also claim that she’s going to disappear for a while after her rehab is done in August, and stay far, far away from the paparazzi in the big cities. Maybe just to be safe, she should go live in Syria. It’s quite lovely this time of year.

(Photo Credit: Getty)