Now that Lindsay Lohan has drummed up some terrible publicity for herself after she was accused by Barron Hilton of telling Ray LeMoine to beat the shit out of him at a party, it’s time for her to do what she does best – make some mediocre pop and dance music that nobody will buy. Lindsay posted some pictures to her Instagram this morning and they all suggest that she’s working on a new album, which should make anybody who can name even two of her previous songs very excited. To be slightly fair, though, her 2004 album “Speak” sold 1.1 million copies, but her 2005 album “A Little More Personal” sold less than half of that. If my math is correct, that means that a new album, more than eight years later, will sell approximately -4 million copies.
There’s no way to lose in a story where either a Hilton or a Lohan is a lying sack of shit. It’s the classic win-win. Paris Hilton’s little brother, Baron Von Douchery, got his ass beat up at Lindsay Lohan’s mansion party in Miami where Lindsay is staying trying to keep clean and attend art shows. Both of which sound like made-up reasons. Baron claims he made remarks about Lindsay and her new boyfriend, let’s just call him Cocaine Stupid Face for now, so Lindsay ordered a male friend of hers to kick the shit out of Baron. According to Baron, Lindsay stood by and laughed and egged her friend on in the pummeling. I have no idea if that’s true or not, but I do know it’s incredibly fun to imagine. Fearing a loss of his mealticket, Michael Lohan is rounding up witnesses to say that Lindsay wasn’t even at the party when the beat down took place. He’s also found witnesses to state that Lindsay has never smoked crack and did not appear in Freaky Friday and that Michael Lohan was an attentive father. If you’re looking to buy witnesses, you could do far worse than Florida.
Here’s Lindsay in a swimsuit at her Miami mansion thinking about art and staying sober and ordering her next hit.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
While she isn’t doing much of anything that qualifies as actual work – unless you count trying to sue Nintendo because she thinks Bowser was based on her – Lindsay Lohan is really stepping her “sexy” selfie game on Instagram lately with shots like this one that she posted last night. I put sexy in quotation marks because I don’t particularly find grainy shots of a recovering addict chewing on her finger nails while looking like she kind of wants that last slice of pizza but doesn’t want to lose the space in her stomach for another Goose and Bull very sexy. But for all I know, you perverts think this is the Mona Lisa of cock teasing, so I want judge you too harshly.
No matter how long she tried to play the clean and sober role or pretend like she just wanted to focus on a normal, mature adult life, it was only a matter of time before the crazy Lindsay Lohan news started popping up again. According to TMZ, Lohan’s lawyers are in the process of suing Rock Star Games, the makers of the immensely popular and successful Grand Theft Auto franchise, because she thinks that there are characters in Grand Theft Auto V that represent her and her likeness, possibly including the cartoon girl above who looks nothing like Lindsay.
There’s a mission in the game that involves a female celebrity who needs to avoid the paparazzi, and another that requires the user to take pictures of a female celebrity having sex, so naturally those represent Lindsay, because she’s the only jackass female celebrity on the planet. But unless either of those missions features the female’s middle-aged drunken mother whoring her daughters for money, I think that Rock Star will get off.
Lindsay Lohan has seemingly been behaving herself ever since her latest stint in rehab, so naturally nobody has given a crap about what she’s doing. That might be why she posted this selfie to her Instagram account last night, showing off her panties and almost letting one of her tits fall out. Obviously, it’s no big deal to anyone who has already seen Lindsay naked on any number of occasions. Hell, some of you may have even randomly slept with her during her most interesting phase and neither of you even knows it. If anything, this is just notable because the word selfie is fucking horrible and people really need to stop saying it.
Back in September, InTouch magazine introduced us to Ashley Horn, Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister, because after finding out that Michael Lohan is her real father, she decided to get some plastic surgery to make her look like Lindsay “when she was around 18, 19 years old.” Those words are in quotation marks because she said them to InTouch, which ran a bunch of pictures of her posing to show how little she actually looked like Lindsay. But now that Ashley realized that literally nobody on this planet gives a shit who she is, she’s trying to set the record straight.
In an interview on last night’s episode of whatever the hell The Trish Goddard Show is, Ashley claimed that not only did she not have plastic surgery to look like Lindsay, but she also took a polygraph test that proved she didn’t. And then, as her good name was cleared, two or three dozen desperate, lonely old women cheered for this brave, young girl as she sort of looked into the camera and spewed some more ridiculous bullshit.