By Lex May 08, 2014 @ 2:53 PM
Unless I eyeball Lindsay showing off her tits in public once a week, I just assume she’s dead. It’s like Fidel Castro. They need to swing his crusty beard out every few months or people will start looting the state stores for the two-ply toilet paper so their hands stop smelling. Somebody warn Dina to stop grabbing shit out of Lindsay’s apartment, her daughter’s still alive.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 5:02 PM
The three people watching Lindsay Lohan’s Fat Orpah Network reality show collectively gasped in their minimum security prison cafeteria as Lindsay finished up the first and last season of her reality show by telling the camera she had a miscarriage during filming. I’m not sure if she meant right then and there or earlier during filming, though probably the latter as there was enough time for Fat Oprah to tease the shit out of Lindsay’s ‘big secret announcement’. If you’re Fat Oprah, you can do shit like build schools in Africa where kids get abused and exploit Lindsay Lohan’s miscarriage for ratings and nobody can fucking touch you. Personally, I thought that Lindsay was going to announce she was gay or drunk or snorting cocaine off the ball sacs of wealthy Indian scions again, but, nope, miscarriage. Kind of a bummer ending to an otherwise upbeat couple months in the life of a drug troubled former child star with life threatening psychological issues and a family pathology of abuse and addiction. They’re usually much more funny.
By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s “docu-series” comes to an end on Sunday with a big two-part series finale, so if you haven’t been watching up to this point, you’re just like the majority of people in America. Apparently the series conclusion has Lindsay making a triumphant return to the public life, which is actually just her introducing Miley Cyrus at a concert, and also preparing for a new role in a thriller, which either refers to her cameo on 2 Broke Girls, which could be described as “thrillingly unwatchable horseshit,” or maybe the movie Inconceivable, for which the plot is being “kept under wraps,” probably because it doesn’t exist.
But the most intense scene of the trailer for the finale has Lindsay crying about how “mean and humiliating” the leak of her sex list was, and I honestly feel bad for her. She probably had no clue it would get her so much attention when she wrote down the names of every famous guy she’s sucked off and then released it to a tabloid. You just can’t trust anyone these days.
By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Because Lindsay Lohan is such a troubled soul “recovering” from her addictions to drugs and alcohol or whatever, Bravo’s Andy Cohen has vowed that when he has her as a guest on Watch What Happens Live tomorrow night, he will be her “sober buddy” for one whole show. Lindsay is appearing on the show, I assume, to promote her docu-bullshit series on Oprah Winfrey’s network, because there’s absolutely nothing else for her to talk about, so Andy is forgoing his normal tradition of enjoying some cocktails with his guests to make the show even more boring, predictable and formulaic than it already is. Then, when the show is over, Lindsay can go back to pretending that she’s clean and sober, while Andy can sit on his front doorstep and wait for all of the trophies that he’s earned to be delivered. He’s the true hero, America.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis April 10, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
In order to make Lindsay Lohan seem interesting enough to talk to for a few minutes, David Letterman had to get Oprah Winfrey on the phone to remind everyone that she’s the driving force (and money) behind the 27-year old actress’s return to stardom. While Dave and Oprah joked about the host’s life in between pretending that everything is fine with Lindsay, she couldn’t even grasp the idea of how a phone works. But if the almighty Queen Oprah says that Lindsay is fine, then we have to believe her, and I’ll just pretend that there weren’t armed men with tranquilizer guns waiting on the side of the stage in case Lindsay decided to remove her underwear and ask to bump a line off Dave’s dick.
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:25 PM
When Lindsay Lohan heard the accusations that Terry Richardson had been lewdly assaulting certain of his model subjects in his photo studio, she ran right over to his place to confront him about why he never molested her. Obviously, it’s a delicate situation when one of your girls wants to know why Uncle Terry didn’t use their tampon for his famous tampon tea. Dylan Farrow can bitch all she wants about being diddled by her dad, at least she got validation. How do you think it makes all the other adopted daughters feel since they never got taken up into the attic for Broadway Danny Rose playtime? Woody felt so guilty he even married one of the fugly ones. Terry Richardson conceded to shoot Lindsay again while explaining to her that any man would have been lucky to have finished on her face before the drugs and alcohol took their natural toll. Lindsay seemed to calm down upon hearing that. Though as punishment she told Terry he’d have to get her a pistachio gelato if he wanted to shoot her cooch.
Photo Credit: Terry Richarson