No One Wants To Buy Lindsay’s Clothes

By Jack May 21, 2013 @ 12:41 PM

Lindsay Lohan is being countersued by clothing manufacturer D.N.A.M. for fucking up her own clothing line. Not due to the clothes being both ugly and slutty, but because no one wants to buy a clothing line with a junkie’s name on it. In 2009 Lindsay signed a contract with D.N.A.M. to make her 6126 apparel brand. They tried to get it into stores but by then Lindsay was in rehab and no one was buying shit for teen girls with her name behind it. Lindsay sued them for not making her money which she could use to buy more cocaine that she would deny ever snorting in an interview with Piers Morgan four years hence. Now, they’re suing back because Lindsay was the world’s worst spokesperson for her own brand. I can’t help but feel that if I were on the jury in this case, I’d exit the box to punch a lot of people in the courtroom.

Lindsay Lohan Getting Fatter Without Her Addy

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 2:12 PM

Just one week into life without Adderall and Lindsay Lohan has already packed on five pounds. Between the absence of amphetamines and everything suddenly not tasting like Smirnoff and grizzled human seed, Lindsay seems to be relishing the cuisine at her Palm Springs inpatient rehab facility. This is Lindsay’s worst fatty fear come true and to be clear from her publicity statements, has absolutely nothing to do with her addiction to speed. She just doesn’t want to ruin her figure and potentially lose out on imaginary movie roles. Also, she can’t finish Moby Dick without her concentratin’ pills.

Lindsay Lohan’s Sister Is Proud Of Her Name

By Travis May 10, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Lindsay Lohan’s younger sister, Ali Lohan, has been trying to get her foot in the modeling door for several years, which is probably why she was always out at night clubs with her sister until the early hours of the morning, for “research” and “networking”. But the hard work has paid off, because she signed a contract with the Wilhelmina modeling agency in New York City last week.

Ali, seen above storing nuts for the winter at the Late Show with David Letterman last month, knows that her family has a reputation for being bad employees, but she still told The Daily Beast: “[I hope] that my dedication to work outshines any name that is attached to me. I’m proud to be a Lohan and I will always will be.”

Her new agency even suggested that she go by Aliana now, to which she has complied, but they’d probably have more success changing her last name, too. Maybe something a little more respectable like Manson or Tsarnaev.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Betty Ford Might Take Away Lindsay’s Adderall

By Jack May 07, 2013 @ 12:55 PM

Lindsay entered the Betty Ford Clinic for drug rehab but is still taking Adderall…for now. The clinic is analyzing whether or not she actually needs it. She does have a prescription and it’s not like doctors just hand out prescription medications to their wealthy drug crazy Hollywood clientele. Lindsay was adamant that she would enter rehab but only if she was allowed to keep taking the drug. She says she needs it for her mental health. She also said if she doesn’t take it regularly, the miniature spider monkey sleeper cell implanted in her brain by the Chinese government would activate. That’s worth analyzing.

Lindsay Comes Clean Before Betty Ford

By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 7:14 PM

Talk about your total pile of revisionist excrement. Lindsay Lohan did one last tell-all with Piers Morgan for the Daily Mail to get some cash for smokes at Betty Ford. It includes such unlikely gems as:

Lohan claims that “the first time” she’d taken drugs was when she was popped for her first DUI on May 26, 2007, and police found cocaine in her car.

Yeah, and, uh-huh. Maybe British people will believe that one. And my aunt Chelle. She’s big on horoscopes and alien abductions. But, wait, there’s more. Lindsay laughs off the idea that she’s a heavy former child actress drinker, a mild social consumer at best. a teetotaler really.

Lohan claims she didn’t have her first drink until she was 17, and that mom Dina taught her a lesson the first time she did. “I got really sick and Mum made me sleep with vomit still on me so I’d understand how it felt.”

It probably felt like sleeping with Michael Lohan. Maybe mom was sending you a bigger message. Maybe it was a cry for help from your drug addicted abused mother!

And, finally one honest moment:

“I’ve been court-ordered to do [rehab] six times. I could write the book on rehab. Constantly sending me to rehab is pointless. The first few times I was court-ordered to rehab it was like a joke, like killing time,” and that “they just asked me the same old questions I’d answered before.”

Of course rehab is pointless. You don’t do drugs and you had a couple drinks once in high school. That’s why it’s worse for you than jail time. You can handle the prison rapes and used sanitary napkin beat downs, it’s the hypocrisy that kills you.

Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Sign Up For Rehab

By Jack May 02, 2013 @ 12:35 PM

Lindsay Lohan is continuing her crawl to jail and/or death by intentionally violating the terms of her plea deal. The judge in one of her many criminal fuck ups ordered her to go to a rehab facility called The Seafield Center in New York State but she decided she would go to a different druggie hotel In California that was not approved by court. Why would she risk contempt of court and 90 days in jail by going to the wrong rehab? Because the Seafield place won’t let her smoke. Because it’s supposed to get you off of all drugs, because it’s fucking rehab. Now Lindsay is in deep shit. There is absolutely no question that she violated the terms of her plea. But of course, she probably won’t go to jail. Because, you know, rich.