Lindsay Lohan And Dina Lohan Switch to Bikes

By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 11:09 AM

Lindsay Lohan and her mom made quite the scene pedaling around Manhattan like a regular old family. The Lohans figured out many advantages to bicycling. There’s no law against drinking and biking, when you fall asleep at the wheel, you don’t end up killing a bus full of school children, and when the narcs confiscate your rented bikes in a drug sting, who cares? Super villains adapt quickly.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN

Ashley Horn Gets Plastic Surgery To Look Like Half Sister Lindsay Lohan

By Lex September 26, 2013 @ 4:44 PM

Ashley Horn Gets Plastic Surgery To Look Like Half Sister Lindsay Lohan
No, I’m not making this shit up. The chick who just found out a couple years ago that Michael Lohan was her bastard father because her mom took his roid sperm during an affair in 1995, has now decided she wants to look just like Lindsay Lohan. She took her $25K and told the plastic surgeons to make her look like Lindsay before the drugs and booze and Samantha Ronson thick carpet munching.

“I’ve gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks. My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old.” — Ashley Horn to InTouch magazine.

I guess there’s not as big a market for ‘make me look worn and saggy and just out of rehab’  at plastic surgery centers. Ashley declared herself now officially hotter than Lindsay. She says she’s determined to stay away from the lifestyle that’ll cause her to become un-Lindsay like just like Lindsay has, which makes sense if you’re a semi-retarded fame seeking illegitimate child of Michael Lohan and a mom with very questionable judgement.

I’d only warn Ashley that Dina Lohan tried this same Single White Female creepy stalker mimic thing a few years ago and it did not make her happy. Just drunker. Though it did fool enough bank clerks to help her steal a little cash for mommy time.

Photo Credit: InTouch, Trisha

Lindsay Lohan Hates Bras, Loves Her Mommy

By Lex September 16, 2013 @ 6:15 PM

Lindsay Lohan Bares Side Boob As She Walks Into Dina Lohan's House In Long Island
If anybody deserves some TLC, it’s Dina Lohan. Between the arrests and the begging and the narcotics and the sick desire to look like her offspring, mom gets a little tired of sacrificing so much for others. She needs a night to be the center of attention. Which is why in grand Lohan tradition, Lindsay took off her bra and snuck into her mom’s place to whisk her mom away for a special birthday dinner. But not before Lindsay expressed her birthday wishes in the tone of an abused prepubescent girl on Twitter.

You don’t learn that kind of authenticity even in six stints in rehab. That’s real fucked up psyche right there. Though it may pale in comparison to anorexic Ali Lohan’s birthday Tweet:

Dina consulted with her attorney and quickly denied being responsible for making Ali who she is today. .

Photo Credit: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Obeying Her Sober Coach

By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 4:32 PM

Lindsay Lohan Shows Off Her Cleavage At Ali Lohan's Fashion Show In New York
Lindsay Lohan didn’t leave rehab with just the Freshman Fifteen packed on, she got herself a Sober Coach who tracks her every move. Lindsay’s also got Oprah now as her spiritual guide, like a fat Jiminy Cricket on her shoulder telling her all the shit she shouldn’t be doing. Between the two wet blankets, they’ve managed to keep Lindsay on the wagon for an entire month. Partly by nixing some of her travel and work plans, like attending a VMA after party, for fear she’d swig some vodka and beg the boys from One Direction to turn her into a giant swamp of British love seed. They did approve Lindsay attending Fashion Week last night to see her anorexic sister’s show. I guess they also approved her dressing like she’s a long since retired porn actress embarrassing her grandson at his bar mitzvah with sloppy cleavage. Oprah needs to whisper into Lindsay’s ear that it’s time to lose a little tit weight.

Photo Credit: Splash

Michael Lohan Nobly Blames Himself for Lindsay’s Drug Problems

By Lex August 28, 2013 @ 11:27 AM

Lindsay Lohan Smokes A Cigarette As She Walks Around SoHo
Just when you thought Michael Lohan couldn’t be more of a Sir Walter Raleigh figure, he goes and takes the blame for Lindsay turning from a teen party girl into a 20-something fall down drunk and drug addict.

“It was not her fault. I love her for saying that, but there was no need to say it.”

Specifically, Michael blames his divorce from Dina as the trigger for Lindsay’s substance abuse. Which is a nice way of not blaming the alleged beatings he gave his wife, pushing his young daughter into show business to pay the family bills, his multiple stints in jail and prison, his own drug addictions, his betrayals of her confidence to turn a buck for himself, his cheesy public affairs and siring of more children, and just having some really unfortunate looking hair plugs. To name a few. So, just like Sir Walter Raleigh, if Raleigh had been a total shitbag. Way to fall on the sword, Mikey.

Here’s Lindsay in SoHo yesterday. Everybody’s saying she’s never looked better, which roughly translates to, ‘I can’t believe she’s still alive.’

Photo Credit: PCN, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Blame Her Parents

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 1:04 PM

Lindsay Lohan Tries To Avoid Paparazi While Smoking Outside Of ABC Kitchen In New York
It took me a while to watch the Lindsay Lohan interview with Fat Oprah. I had a few other things on my DVR in higher priority. All six seasons of Mad Men that I’ve told people I watched but lied, that episode of The Closer where Kyra Sedgwick teaches everybody a lesson in underestimating her, and a bunch of women’s college softball games for when I have the place to myself. Lindsay looks like an ex-addict shiny high on rehab. Like everyone else fresh out of mandatory counseling, she’s taking full responsibility for her actions.

‘I hate the bad rap my parents get. They’re just parents, at the end of the day. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes.’

Yeah, but they’re not just parents. Your dad’s a violent steroid addicted dude who has sold you out on many occasions in between jail stints. Your mom is a drug and alcohol abusing whorebag who had a makeover to look just like you so she could more easily steal your money and cocaine. Yeah, you’re not the only person to grow up with shitty parents, but a good percentage of those people are fucked up too. You need to tell Fat Oprah that your parents a pair of abusive self-indulgent assholes that you’d like to kick in the fucking teeth. Trust me, it’ll go a much longer way toward healing than this total accepting of responsibility nonsense.

Here’s Lindsay outside a restaurant trying to hide the fact that she’s smoking cigarettes. I don’t ever want to go through rehab. It makes you ashamed of everything fun.

Photo Credit: Splash