Oh hey, time to update the Lindsay Lohan Demolition Derby timeline:

October 4, 2005: Lindsay crashes a Mercedes into the passenger side of a van “during a chase through West Hollywood.”

May 26, 2007: Lindsay is arrested for drunk driving after crashing a Mercedes convertible in Beverly Hills at 5:30am.

July 24, 2007: while high on cocaine, Lindsay goes on a high speed chase down PCH in a stolen GMC Denali, with the owner and two of his friends still in it, reaching speeds of 100 miles per hour.

September 3, 2010: while driving a rented Maserati, she hits a stroller with a baby in it while pulling into traffic, then drives away without stopping.

June 8th, 2012: Lindsay drives into the back of a 18-wheeler, totaling her rented Porsche. A water bottle with alcohol in it is found near the scene. As of now, even though police feel she caused the accident, Lindsay has not been cited and still has her license.

Which brings us to yesterday, when she and her pasty white legs left the Chanel store in Beverly Hills and drove into the back of a Ford Mustang that was stopped at a traffic light. X17 says no one was hurt and the police were not called.

In Lindsay’s defense, she was probably in a rush to get away from Chanel before they noticed the stuff she’d stolen. Of course she didn’t see the Mustang, she was looking in her rear view mirror the whole time.

Ok technically it’s not a porn movie. It’s a low budget indie, described as a “sex-fueled thriller“, called ‘The Canyons’. It stars no one you’ve ever heard of and Lindsay Lohan. The guy in bed with her is James Deen. He’s been in over 4,000 porn films and 500 anuses.

Then there’s this picture (both from this story on X17) of Lindsay “studying her script”, which if you flip and straighten you can make out phrases like…

- “(Tara is) wasted, stumbling”
- “removes Tara’s panties”
- “start touching each other and kissing”
- “Christian keeps fucking Tara”

Oh. Hey. Try and guess who plays “Tara”. The drunk that get’s fucked. Yeah it’s Lindsay. And notice how they seem to be filming the sex scenes first, because the entire point of this movie is to see Lindsay Lohans tits bounce up and down. Which I’m all for by the way, I’ve been saying that since ‘the Parent Trap”.

Lindsay Lohan has spent the past 5 years sustaining on nothing but drugs, alcohol, and sugar, and now her hair is falling out in clumps, which you could see as she left the ironically named e. baldi in Beverly Hills last night.

It also can’t help that she’s had more lemon juice and lye (or whatever it is white trash uses to bleach their hair) and semen in her hair than conditioner. Let this be a wake-up call to girls who don’t swallow. Pictures don’t lie, if you let it get in your hair you’ll end up bald and broke and alone, going in and out of prison, just like Lindsay!

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If you were to invite Lindsay Lohan to a real Hollywood 4th of July party, she’d rob you, so no one did that, and instead she spent yesterday at Shore Bar in Santa Monica with porn star (and potential co-star) James Deen.

Actually it might be more accurate to say he spent the 4th with her because he’s a more respected actor in LA and probably had better options. It’s not even clear if dipshit knew which holiday it was so she hedged her bets and wore Christmas tree ornaments for earrings and fake eyelashes from a Halloween store.

You just know she thinks this is a big treat for him, but in reality there are so many fantastically hot porn stars now, who all get tested regularly, that sex with Lindsay would be less satisfying and more dangerous. A smoky mist probably comes out when she spreads her legs at this point. I wouldn’t know if I should consult a doctor or a weatherman.

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