By Travis November 08, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Back in September, InTouch magazine introduced us to Ashley Horn, Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister, because after finding out that Michael Lohan is her real father, she decided to get some plastic surgery to make her look like Lindsay “when she was around 18, 19 years old.” Those words are in quotation marks because she said them to InTouch, which ran a bunch of pictures of her posing to show how little she actually looked like Lindsay. But now that Ashley realized that literally nobody on this planet gives a shit who she is, she’s trying to set the record straight.
In an interview on last night’s episode of whatever the hell The Trish Goddard Show is, Ashley claimed that not only did she not have plastic surgery to look like Lindsay, but she also took a polygraph test that proved she didn’t. And then, as her good name was cleared, two or three dozen desperate, lonely old women cheered for this brave, young girl as she sort of looked into the camera and spewed some more ridiculous bullshit.
By Lex November 01, 2013 @ 5:33 PM
The Foxwood Casino paid Lindsay Lohan $50K to show up to their Halloween party, walk the red carpet, and judge their costume party along with Floyd Mayweather. It seems like an odd pairing until you think about boxers and fall-down drunken chicks being traditional staples of most casinos. Lindsay might’ve scoffed at $50K a few years ago, but times being what they are and mom needing bail money, Lindsay agreed to show up at 10Pm for the event. She got there at 11:43pm and now the Casino wants some of their dough back. Really? You got Lindsay to show up to the right address, sober, and in a costume that wasn’t a real prison jump suit and you’re bitching about her being late? Unless blood drips out of her ears and she slumps over dead on your craps table, you’ve come out way ahead.
Photo credit: Getty
By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 11:09 AM
Lindsay Lohan and her mom made quite the scene pedaling around Manhattan like a regular old family. The Lohans figured out many advantages to bicycling. There’s no law against drinking and biking, when you fall asleep at the wheel, you don’t end up killing a bus full of school children, and when the narcs confiscate your rented bikes in a drug sting, who cares? Super villains adapt quickly.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
By Lex September 26, 2013 @ 4:44 PM
No, I’m not making this shit up. The chick who just found out a couple years ago that Michael Lohan was her bastard father because her mom took his roid sperm during an affair in 1995, has now decided she wants to look just like Lindsay Lohan. She took her $25K and told the plastic surgeons to make her look like Lindsay before the drugs and booze and Samantha Ronson thick carpet munching.
“I’ve gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks. My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old.” — Ashley Horn to InTouch magazine.
I guess there’s not as big a market for ‘make me look worn and saggy and just out of rehab’ at plastic surgery centers. Ashley declared herself now officially hotter than Lindsay. She says she’s determined to stay away from the lifestyle that’ll cause her to become un-Lindsay like just like Lindsay has, which makes sense if you’re a semi-retarded fame seeking illegitimate child of Michael Lohan and a mom with very questionable judgement.
I’d only warn Ashley that Dina Lohan tried this same Single White Female creepy stalker mimic thing a few years ago and it did not make her happy. Just drunker. Though it did fool enough bank clerks to help her steal a little cash for mommy time.
Photo Credit: InTouch, Trisha
By Lex September 16, 2013 @ 6:15 PM
If anybody deserves some TLC, it’s Dina Lohan. Between the arrests and the begging and the narcotics and the sick desire to look like her offspring, mom gets a little tired of sacrificing so much for others. She needs a night to be the center of attention. Which is why in grand Lohan tradition, Lindsay took off her bra and snuck into her mom’s place to whisk her mom away for a special birthday dinner. But not before Lindsay expressed her birthday wishes in the tone of an abused prepubescent girl on Twitter.
You don’t learn that kind of authenticity even in six stints in rehab. That’s real fucked up psyche right there. Though it may pale in comparison to anorexic Ali Lohan’s birthday Tweet:
Dina consulted with her attorney and quickly denied being responsible for making Ali who she is today. .
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 05, 2013 @ 4:32 PM
Lindsay Lohan didn’t leave rehab with just the Freshman Fifteen packed on, she got herself a Sober Coach who tracks her every move. Lindsay’s also got Oprah now as her spiritual guide, like a fat Jiminy Cricket on her shoulder telling her all the shit she shouldn’t be doing. Between the two wet blankets, they’ve managed to keep Lindsay on the wagon for an entire month. Partly by nixing some of her travel and work plans, like attending a VMA after party, for fear she’d swig some vodka and beg the boys from One Direction to turn her into a giant swamp of British love seed. They did approve Lindsay attending Fashion Week last night to see her anorexic sister’s show. I guess they also approved her dressing like she’s a long since retired porn actress embarrassing her grandson at his bar mitzvah with sloppy cleavage. Oprah needs to whisper into Lindsay’s ear that it’s time to lose a little tit weight.
Photo Credit: Splash