Lindsay Lohan now realizes that the only way to save herself from her addictions is to disappear. Hide from the media, parties, her drug toting friends in Los Angeles and New York. When she gets out of rehab, she’s headed out into the wild. Somewhere far away where she can get back in touch with her true self. Which just happens to be a drug-addicted heavy drinking big city party girl. So expect that trip to be short.
Lindsay Lohan has apparently been doing great in her latest rehab stint at the Betty Ford Clinic, because we’ve barely heard anything about her, so it must mean that the quacks are exorcising her demons. Fortunately, TMZ reached out to its super-secret source of all things Lindsay, which means her mom or dad, and found out that the cokehound may have finally been caged.
For starters, TMZ reports that Lindsay has kicked her Adderal addiction, which leaves poverty and terrorism as America’s final hurdles to Utopia. But Lindsay’s people also claim that she’s going to disappear for a while after her rehab is done in August, and stay far, far away from the paparazzi in the big cities. Maybe just to be safe, she should go live in Syria. It’s quite lovely this time of year.
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The criminal justice system does not take lightly the sins of Lindsay Lohan. Whether it be four hours in the slammer or 90 day sentences to rehab centers overlooking the Pacific ocean, Lady Justice keeps whacking her a solid one. Watching Lindsay smoke a cig and take in a little afternoon sea breeze, the term ‘scared straight’ comes to mind. I suspect she’s learned her lesson.
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I guess Lindsay was really good at air-hockey and smuggling in smokes, because she’s earned out of the Betty Ford clinic and into some life-affirming named rehab center in Malibu to finish out her court-ordered lockdown. Which makes sense, since Malibu is the world’s celebrity drinking and drug capital. Expect Lindsay to fashion a rope line between her bedroom and the home of one of the Marvin Davis grandkids within two hours of arrival. She need only dig fifty feet deep to reach an ocean escape route and her vodka-bottle shaped personal submarine idling offshore. This is like putting Lex Luthor at a minimum security honor ranch. Her pillow won’t even get warm.
If Lindsay Lohan is smart – big if – she’s using her time at the Betty Ford Clinic to plan something really insane for when she tries to make her next comeback and needs to take back her crown as Queen Meltdown from Amanda Bynes. Because, let’s face it, nobody is going to hire Lindsay to work on another movie or TV show, when her last two co-stars – porn star James Deen and Charlie Sheen – complained about how unprofessional she is.
So while Father of the Year hall-of-famer Michael Lohan stopped by the Betty Ford Clinic to have lunch with his daughter, only to come out singing praises that Lindsey is clean, sober and “phenomenal” to TMZ, he should be helping her storyboard a scenario in which someone “leaks” a sex tape of her that involves the Sacramento Kings at a Tijuana donkey show, filmed entirely in a swimming pool filled with heroin. That should buy her at least three more months in the spotlight.
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Lindsay Lohan is being countersued by clothing manufacturer D.N.A.M. for fucking up her own clothing line. Not due to the clothes being both ugly and slutty, but because no one wants to buy a clothing line with a junkie’s name on it. In 2009 Lindsay signed a contract with D.N.A.M. to make her 6126 apparel brand. They tried to get it into stores but by then Lindsay was in rehab and no one was buying shit for teen girls with her name behind it. Lindsay sued them for not making her money which she could use to buy more cocaine that she would deny ever snorting in an interview with Piers Morgan four years hence. Now, they’re suing back because Lindsay was the world’s worst spokesperson for her own brand. I can’t help but feel that if I were on the jury in this case, I’d exit the box to punch a lot of people in the courtroom.