By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 1:04 PM
It took me a while to watch the Lindsay Lohan interview with Fat Oprah. I had a few other things on my DVR in higher priority. All six seasons of Mad Men that I’ve told people I watched but lied, that episode of The Closer where Kyra Sedgwick teaches everybody a lesson in underestimating her, and a bunch of women’s college softball games for when I have the place to myself. Lindsay looks like an ex-addict shiny high on rehab. Like everyone else fresh out of mandatory counseling, she’s taking full responsibility for her actions.
‘I hate the bad rap my parents get. They’re just parents, at the end of the day. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes.’
Yeah, but they’re not just parents. Your dad’s a violent steroid addicted dude who has sold you out on many occasions in between jail stints. Your mom is a drug and alcohol abusing whorebag who had a makeover to look just like you so she could more easily steal your money and cocaine. Yeah, you’re not the only person to grow up with shitty parents, but a good percentage of those people are fucked up too. You need to tell Fat Oprah that your parents a pair of abusive self-indulgent assholes that you’d like to kick in the fucking teeth. Trust me, it’ll go a much longer way toward healing than this total accepting of responsibility nonsense.
Here’s Lindsay outside a restaurant trying to hide the fact that she’s smoking cigarettes. I don’t ever want to go through rehab. It makes you ashamed of everything fun.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s interview with Oprah Winfrey finally aired last night on OWN, and this is just a wild guess, but I assume that the $2 million she was paid for it has already been blown. That’s because Lindsay finally admitted that she was an addict, hooked on alcohol, cocaine and Adderall, and if everything that movies and TLC shows have taught me about addiction is true, she was probably offering Oprah’s assistants rimjobs for a can of air duster by the third question.
Lindsay might have also revealed a lot of additional personal information, but I couldn’t hear her over Oprah cutting her off during every answer to ask the next question. I’m starting to think the way Oprah gets her guests to cry is by frustrating them and pissing them off so much that they just want to rip her throat out. Then they unwind later by smoking some crack and have to come back and do it all over again. It’s genius, really.
By Lex August 06, 2013 @ 4:36 PM
Coming off the high of successfully hiding much of her rehab fat on Chelsea Lately last night, Lindsay Lohan was out in New York City, looking like ninety-four days of sobriety fake happy. Lindsay was scheduled to head off to Europe, but was talked out of an overseas adventure so soon after rehab by Oprah Winfrey, who promised Lindsay her own special if she’d stay domestic. Even Lindsay’s parents are trying to hork her cash so she can’t spend it on drugs. Everyone is lining up behind Lindsay to build her a loving nest of support. What could possibly go wrong? We should know in about a week.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Travis August 06, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
A lot of people are calling Lindsay Lohan’s guest hosting stint on Chelsea Lately last night things like “hilarious” and “brave” because those people apparently don’t own a dictionary, but the embattled 27-year old who looks at least 35 tried her hardest to get people to laugh with her instead of at her for once.
In a segment about the things she’s grateful for, Lindsay mocked Anthony Weiner, Kanye West and Justin Bieber for their own recent mistakes, none of which included charges of felony grand theft, hit-and-run accusations, failing drug tests, revoked probations, violating court orders, missing substance abuse counseling sessions, being sentenced to jail time and lying to the police, among others.
But haha, you showed them, Lindsay.
By Lex August 02, 2013 @ 12:27 PM
Once people figured that The Canyons was not going to be some remarkable Paul Schrader comeback film, but just a pile of directorial off-smelling spunk, all anybody cared about was whether or not Lindsay Lohan was going to show her tits. She does. Lots of them. Not quite as big as her recent out-of-rehab grandmotherly choke hold tits, but still an impressive offering. You can see Lindsay Lohan tits HERE. I can’t show you her bare nipples on here or NASA disintegrates my apartment with a laser from space or something like that. I believe pretty much whatever anybody tells me. That thing they told me about The Canyons sucking but Lindsay shows her tits a bunch did seem to pan out.
By Lex July 31, 2013 @ 11:40 AM
Rehab was very good to Lindsay Lohan and her breasts, swollen with pride at surviving three months of hanging out at the beach and smoking cigarettes and owning her addictions. Statistically speaking, there’s only a hundred percent chance that Lindsay will start using again. She should probably leave her smaller cocaine body bras packed in a bag for her next visit.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, INFphoto.com