Talk about your total pile of revisionist excrement. Lindsay Lohan did one last tell-all with Piers Morgan for the Daily Mail to get some cash for smokes at Betty Ford. It includes such unlikely gems as:
Lohan claims that “the first time” she’d taken drugs was when she was popped for her first DUI on May 26, 2007, and police found cocaine in her car.
Yeah, and, uh-huh. Maybe British people will believe that one. And my aunt Chelle. She’s big on horoscopes and alien abductions. But, wait, there’s more. Lindsay laughs off the idea that she’s a heavy former child actress drinker, a mild social consumer at best. a teetotaler really.
Lohan claims she didn’t have her first drink until she was 17, and that mom Dina taught her a lesson the first time she did. “I got really sick and Mum made me sleep with vomit still on me so I’d understand how it felt.”
It probably felt like sleeping with Michael Lohan. Maybe mom was sending you a bigger message. Maybe it was a cry for help from your drug addicted abused mother!
And, finally one honest moment:
“I’ve been court-ordered to do [rehab] six times. I could write the book on rehab. Constantly sending me to rehab is pointless. The first few times I was court-ordered to rehab it was like a joke, like killing time,” and that “they just asked me the same old questions I’d answered before.”
Of course rehab is pointless. You don’t do drugs and you had a couple drinks once in high school. That’s why it’s worse for you than jail time. You can handle the prison rapes and used sanitary napkin beat downs, it’s the hypocrisy that kills you.
Lindsay Lohan is continuing her crawl to jail and/or death by intentionally violating the terms of her plea deal. The judge in one of her many criminal fuck ups ordered her to go to a rehab facility called The Seafield Center in New York State but she decided she would go to a different druggie hotel In California that was not approved by court. Why would she risk contempt of court and 90 days in jail by going to the wrong rehab? Because the Seafield place won’t let her smoke. Because it’s supposed to get you off of all drugs, because it’s fucking rehab. Now Lindsay is in deep shit. There is absolutely no question that she violated the terms of her plea. But of course, she probably won’t go to jail. Because, you know, rich.
The terms of Lindsay Lohan’s latest sentencing and probation is pretty loose. For instance, show up to rehab, when you can. Stay in California, maybe New York and Rio is okay. Don’t associate with other convicts, or, let them paw your chest and whisper in your ear to meet them in the men’s room for a toot. If the court was serious with Lindsay, they’d start chopping off her hands.
Charlie Sheen was on The Tonight Show on Wednesday to promote his new film, Scary Movie 5, in theaters today, and the conversation quickly turned to his strange friendship with Lindsay Lohan. Sheen helped Lohan out last year by loaning her six figures to pay her back taxes, because that’s the kind of thing a 47-year old man does for a 26-year girl with no strings attached.
But the big question for Sheen, who co-stars with Lohan in Scary Movie 5, was whether or not Lohan behaved herself on the set of his show, Anger Management, on which she appears in an upcoming episode. The answer, of course, is no. Hell no. He basically accused her of hijacking the show and stealing more jewelry. In fact, he might as well have just accused her of giving him herpes. Sure, we’d laugh and say, “Yeah, she gave you herpes” but hey, it was worth a shot.
Lindsay Lohan appeared on the Late Show yesterday for an incredibly awkward interview with David Letterman to promote Scary Movie 5. Letterman skipped over any talk of the movie that couldn’t even manage to coax a single Wayans brother into appearing and jumped immediately into questioning how she is legally still allowed to walk the streets. And while fleeing from the studio after dodging every question with a stock answer she somehow managed to make herself look presentable for once. Appearing less bloated than usual and wearing a smile as wide as her lifeless botoxed face would allow in anticipation of the celebratory post show drug run.
Manhattan hotel mogul Vikram Chatwal was arrested in the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport last week when he was found with a crotch full of heroin, ketamine, marijuana, and an array of pills including Ativan and Xanax.
Chatwal is the creepy dude Lohan was photographed kissing and snorting something off a table with before her head disappeared down and out of camera shot back in 2011 at his apartment (even though the dude is married, the Clintons attended his wedding, thats proper). What a fucking tool. Who the hell feels the need to smuggle drugs on a plane into Florida? I’m not a millionaire hotel magnate, I’m a broke-ass writer, and I could find all the drugs he had taped to the underside of his junk within 24 hours of entering the Sunshine State.
Chatwal was charged with eight drug counts and faces a minimum of three years in jail, as friends urge him to enter rehab to seek help. Why don’t friends ever urge you to figure out a smarter way to get your dick blown by Lindsay Lohan?