Lindsay Lohan Is Moving to Europe Because the Floors Are Softer

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 9:15 AM

Lindsay Lohan Falls At The Ischia Film Festival In Italy
Lindsay Lohan announced she’s moving to London because they don’t have TMZ on TV there, just thoughtful news and music programming.

“It feels really good to be able to turn on the TV and not see everything be about gossip.”

I take this to mean she hasn’t figured out how to change the channel yet on her hotel room remote. Like so many not so super intelligent ex-pat celebrities running from bad reputations, Lindsay has been drawn to the European sensibilities concerning privacy and personal space. Lindsay was expounding on such in Italy when she took a dive on the red carpet and was surrounded by thousands of cameraman trying to get pictures of her urine soaked panties. It was at that low moment Lindsay realized the pointless effort to out-run her demons and decided to finally face the childhood trauma that led her to such a fallen place. Just kidding about that last part. But not the part about the urine soaked panties.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet

Lindsay Lohan Sues Grand Theft Auto, GTA Kicks Her in the Legs

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 11:47 AM

Lindsay Lohan With Bruises On Her Leg On Her Birthday In New York
I’m sure Lindsay Lohan has an explanation for the cuts and nasty bruises on her legs. I’m sure it’s nothing close to the truth, which to be fair, she probably doesn’t remember. Lindsay turned 28 yesterday, which completely fucked over my ghoul pool bets. She celebrated the day by suing the shit out of Rockstar Games, claiming the ditzy slutty self-absorbed celebrity character Lacey Kunis in Grand Theft Auto V is based on her life story and likeness. Just on its face, that certainly seems plausible. GTA always maintains it uses no real people or locations in its games, though it renders a very close virtual approximation. In the game story line, the Lacey character visits what is clearly the Chateau Marmont and rushes into alleys saying shit like:

Can you give me a ride past them [the paparazzi], please? I’m hardly wearing any makeup. This is a disaster. I’m so fucking fat. How’s my hair? Do I look cute?

I don’t know. It’s shallow. But where’s the slurring and spoonerisms? Where’s the 50-year old named Dina Kunis who creeps up and steals her stash? As a juror, I’m probably going with jury nullification. Lindsay maybe employees two or three personal assistants slash hookup girls. But there’s an entire industry of jobs and livelihoods built up around mocking Lindsay Lohan. Our economy can’t suffer that kind of loss right now. Lindsay must sacrifice so that others might live. Though we could probably buy her some battered wife makeup for her legs.

Photo Credit: Splash

Terry Richardson Had None Sex With Lindsay Lohan

By Lex June 18, 2014 @ 3:28 PM

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With all the disturbing  allegations against Terry Richardson, the creepy fashion photographer wants to be clear on one thing: he didn’t bone Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay has made such suggestions in the past about post-shoot coitus.  Just because you made a few young models call you Uncle Terry while you shimmied your cock into their nooks and crannies shouldn’t subject you to the charge of copulation by Lohan.

Terry Richardson is on an ever sinking island of fetish shots and sex toys. While mindless celebrity boobs still have his back, his friends and peers are abandoning him for fear of being labeled a pedo-rapist-WMD co-conspirator:

I don’t want to be against these girls. Anyone who questions any of it is attacked with death threats – Dian Hanson, editor at Taschen

Nothing says honest debate like a death threat. Maybe it’s Dylan Farrow with a hatchet. A little catharsis would do her good.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson

Lindsay Lohan Is Going Legit

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 4:23 PM

Lindsay Lohan Goes Out Braless In London
Lindsay Lohan is braless in London hoping to join the list of American actors who’ve tried out a West End theater tour. But those funny sounding phones haven’t been ringing for her dramatic services, so Lindsay decided to jump start her own stage career. She set up a meeting with the Sunday Times for a Culture section profile on her aching desire to get into legit theater. Then Lindsay sort of failed to show up at her interview and a scheduled photo shoot for the vaunted newspaper. Lindsay claimed she was stuck in Milan. However, it turns out she was down the street staggering through the back alleys of London demanding somebody sell her the Elephant Man bones. The British might accept some unfettered sagging boobs, but they are pretty steadfast when it comes to punctuality and appointments. Now, Lindsay will be left with just the delirium tremens fueled fantasies of a standing ovation from a standing room only crowd. As usual, when she comes to, it’ll just be a hobo standing over her body trying to yank off her belly chain.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Parties With Her Brother In Cannes

By Lex May 22, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

Lindsay Lohan Parties With Her Brother Michael Lohan Jr In Cannes
There’s the drunk one with the sex list and the anorexic one, but who remembers poor Michael Jr.? Not only does he suffer from the genetic deficits borne into the Lohan family, he has to carry the namesake of his steroid addicted often arrested turd of a father. Even Gaddai gave his kids their own names and a hundred million in the bank to ensure they could lead somewhat normal lives like having Beyonce to perform at their birthday parties. But this Michael Jr. kid is truly fucked. I started to look him up to see what he’s up to when I came across the fact there’s yet another Lohan brother lurking around, another illegitimate daughter, and who knows what the fuck else. It’s like investigating grave sites in Salem. Some doors should never be opened.
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Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Have To Share Her Miscarriage Selfies Afterall

By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 3:53 PM

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Lindsay Lohan may smell of dumb, but guess who swung the ‘I missed all my court deadlines because I had a miscarriage’ excuse in court without so much as a doctor’s note? That’s right, the freckle faced girl from Freaky Friday. Lindsay had been suing some international clothing distributor for $1.1 million in licensing fee guarantees they never paid her to sell her failed signature jeans in Dubai and Equatorial Guinea. The company counter sued for $5 million saying that not even dumb foreign mall rats would buy Lindsay’s jeans after she started being arrested for drugs. Lindsay missed her court deadline to respond to the suit, but the judge let her slide after she made him watch the final episode of Fat Oprah’s Lindsay Lohan reality show where the snorting ginger wept about losing her fetus in the janitor’s closet at Sbarro. Apparently, that was enough of an Exhibit A for the judge to quash the summary judgement against Lindsay and force the two parties into a settlement that netted Lindsay a cool $150,000 from the clothing distributor. So, who got the last laugh? The judgmental pricks in Dubai or the impoverished mountain children in Colombia putting together a $150K order for Miss Lindsay in Nueva York.