In order to make Lindsay Lohan seem interesting enough to talk to for a few minutes, David Letterman had to get Oprah Winfrey on the phone to remind everyone that she’s the driving force (and money) behind the 27-year old actress’s return to stardom. While Dave and Oprah joked about the host’s life in between pretending that everything is fine with Lindsay, she couldn’t even grasp the idea of how a phone works. But if the almighty Queen Oprah says that Lindsay is fine, then we have to believe her, and I’ll just pretend that there weren’t armed men with tranquilizer guns waiting on the side of the stage in case Lindsay decided to remove her underwear and ask to bump a line off Dave’s dick.
When Lindsay Lohan heard the accusations that Terry Richardson had been lewdly assaulting certain of his model subjects in his photo studio, she ran right over to his place to confront him about why he never molested her. Obviously, it’s a delicate situation when one of your girls wants to know why Uncle Terry didn’t use their tampon for his famous tampon tea. Dylan Farrow can bitch all she wants about being diddled by her dad, at least she got validation. How do you think it makes all the other adopted daughters feel since they never got taken up into the attic for Broadway Danny Rose playtime? Woody felt so guilty he even married one of the fugly ones. Terry Richardson conceded to shoot Lindsay again while explaining to her that any man would have been lucky to have finished on her face before the drugs and alcohol took their natural toll. Lindsay seemed to calm down upon hearing that. Though as punishment she told Terry he’d have to get her a pistachio gelato if he wanted to shoot her cooch.
Photo Credit: Terry Richarson
Overexposed human tampon James Franco is denying claims that he doinked Lindsay Lohan. Franco’s name appears alongside other useless Hollywood pretty looking men like Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, and Orlando Bloom on a list of the people Lindsay has tried to unleash her herp upon. According to Franco they are just friends and her list is basically a steaming pile of shit, just like her movies. He says,
“Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list…I mean, I don’t want to brag about it,” he said. “I don’t know how that got out … She was having issues even then, so you feel weird. Honestly, she was a friend. I’ve met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don’t want to do that.”
This is in spite of the fact that Franco just wrote poems about Lohan in his latest book of shitty poetry. In my experience of dudes who feel obliged to pen poetry, you really only write about girls who’ve gobbled your knob, or you really wish would do so. Look, I get it, you fucked Lindsay Lohan and you are ashamed of it. We’ve all planted our flags in god forsaken lands we wish we could disremember. And there surely was no more forsaken plot of land than Lindsay Lohan’s Vodka-soaked snatch patch circa 2007. But own up to it. You’ve already come out as not gay, which disappointed the large majority of your male fans who dream of running their dicks through your hair. Seal the deal by admitting you railed Lindsay, then repeatedly punched Zac Efron in the neck until he took seconds. Honesty really is the best policy.
This is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or the call from your doctor with your lab results. InTouch magazine is slowly leaking out more names from the Lindsay Lohan sex partner list they purchased last month, trying to get as many bucks from their Lindsay bang list as possible. New names include Benicio Del Toro, Orlando Bloom, Ashton Kutcher, and a whole bunch of male models and wealthy family scions who have in common cocaine and penetrating Lindsay, in that particular order. Her famous list is now pushing past B-list and into the space where you need to explain who these people are. The remaining names are set to come out in just one more edition of InTouch, as the dying print magazine business tries to save itself through raunchy gutter trafficking. Anticipated last round of names include that cute guy nobody remembers from that CW show in 2007, former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, and the dude at the 7-Eleven who knows how Lindsay likes her vodka packed in water bottles. Thought it’s unclear whether those last two names on her list refer to the same person.
Lindsay Lohan fired her sobriety life coach Michael Cormier the second after the cameras stopped rolling on her OWN reality show. Cormier was assigned to follow the light to moderate-light drinking Mean Girls star and make sure that she stayed sober and out of trouble following her latest unsuccessful stint in rehab. Cormier is apparently featured in the show as the blockade between Lindsay and her succulent eight ball desires. Lindsay remaining sober was an important part of the show as it’s for Oprah’s feel good self help bullshit network. Not that Lindsay took shooting the show very seriously, but it was a paycheck.As soon as they wrapped shooting, LiLo fired Cormier and had her drunk mom drive her around searching the rectums of her sex list partners for her secreted stash. It’s all good though. Oprah already has a memorial special cut from existing footage. She always wins.
Now that Lindsay Lohan has people buzzing about her again with the “random” “leak” of her celebrity fuck list and not because the trailer for her Oprah Winfrey docu-series makes her look like a spoiled asshole being enabled by her sociopathic mom, she wants to remind us all that her huge Hollywood comeback starts with the show 2 Broke Girls. Kat Dennings, who stars on the show with some other girl, posted a photo to Instagram of her and Lindsay in wedding dresses to tease fans for her eventual cameo. I don’t watch the show, because I prefer comedy that makes me laugh, but I assume that Kat’s and Lindsay’s characters are having a lesbian wedding, because there’s no way that a respectable male is ever going near Lindsay’s actor trap again.