By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 8:39 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s plan to escape the tabloid press by moving to Europe seems to be going well. I’ve only seen her seventeen times in the past three days, documenting her every step and bowel movement. All the news outlets mocking Lindsay’s sagging titties today are missing out on the larger point, look at that monster gunt. And the even larger point, why must we immediately criticize women for their looks? That seems sexist and shallow. If Lindsay were sober enough to speak, I’m sure she’d ask just to be judged on her work. And when you asked her what that was, she’d pretend not to hear you as she raced toward the water with her right tit bouncing up and down atop her rib cage like a tethered paddle ball.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 9:30 AM
Lindsay Lohan was the guest of honor at The White Party in Austria where they still know Lindsay as the girl who miraculously played both twins in the same scene in The Parent Trap. Only now she has tits and hates bras. Which made her perfect to be the guest of honor at an event where everybody wears white to celebrate “local and international arts and music” while plotting the rise of the next Reich. It took Lindsay a while to figure out why everybody kept asking her if her rich deep bruises were the result of being attacked by gypsies, negroes, and Jews in America. Lindsay deftly dodged politics for one night to focus on drinking and changing her dress when she felt pee running down her leg. Lindsay collected her check at the end of the evening and was carted away in a World Cup field stretcher, waving bravely at the crowd. The evening was a grand success.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:55 AM
Childhood trauma, drinking, drugs, anorexia, prison, failed careers. These are among the things that simply can’t keep the Lohan sisters down. Those two chin-up girls donned some ill fitting bikinis for their respectively awkward shaped bodies and hit the high seas about ten feet off the coast of Capri, lest probation officer helicopters come swooping down. The girls swam and suntanned and played the liars poker game of ‘Daddy did worse to me’ which as always ended in a mix of giggles and violent tremors. It was a nice chance for the sisters to get together and talk about the latest summer fashions and how they never want to bring babies into this cruel world.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 2:47 PM
Lindsay Lohan’s desire to remain out of the spotlight off the gossip columns continues to be thwarted by her rather strong desire to fall down in public and promote her tits off on social media. It’s like watching the Scarecrow try and point the way to Oz. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be helpful.
Photo Credit: Lindsay Lohan/Instagram
By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 8:49 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s slide rule calculations proved a little off in her effort to achieve beyond-camera distance on her rented boat in Italy. Lindsay didn’t want anybody to see her making out with what everyone is calling her new boyfriend because journalists are uncomfortable using the term fuck buddy. Lindsay’s attempts at privacy only persist in the daylight hours. In the evening she was vomiting down his throat as she tugged on his thumb for half an hour wondering why he wouldn’t cum. He’s an English reality TV tool who’s going to have to figure out some better excuses when Lindsay follows up on her threat to move to London. It’s one thing to get some quick fame points by being Lindsay’s latest lay, it’s another thing when she shows up in her flannel PJs in tears at your flat asking you if you know how to buy tampons in British.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
Lindsay Lohan announced she’s moving to London because they don’t have TMZ on TV there, just thoughtful news and music programming.
“It feels really good to be able to turn on the TV and not see everything be about gossip.”
I take this to mean she hasn’t figured out how to change the channel yet on her hotel room remote. Like so many not so super intelligent ex-pat celebrities running from bad reputations, Lindsay has been drawn to the European sensibilities concerning privacy and personal space. Lindsay was expounding on such in Italy when she took a dive on the red carpet and was surrounded by thousands of cameraman trying to get pictures of her urine soaked panties. It was at that low moment Lindsay realized the pointless effort to out-run her demons and decided to finally face the childhood trauma that led her to such a fallen place. Just kidding about that last part. But not the part about the urine soaked panties.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet