By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 9:04 AM
According to an inside source almost certainly Lindsay Lohan’s publicist, the red-headed eternally drunk Freshman girl is going to write a tell-all book that is going to blow the roof off of something. According to the unnamed, anonymous, and likely paid source, the trifecta of solid journalistic sourcing, Lindsay has been hitting up London publishers with sample tales of her celebrity life that have made their ‘jaws drop’. Given that Lindsay’s already had her drug and drinking life well documented, had her private life exposed in five thousand TMZ stories sold by her parents, and even wrote down a list of all the celebrities she’s slept with in Hollywood on the back of a tampon wrapper she left behind at a Denny’s, it’s hard to imagine there’s more. But Lindsay falls into that category of extreme offender where I’m certain there is.
It may seem unlikely, but she thinks she’s in with a shot of getting (Fifty Shades of Grey) E.L. James to work on it — they met recently at the Chiltern Firehouse and got on well. Another pie in the sky idea was that she might persuade J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter) to work with her.
Both of these seem like completely plausible ideas. I’m sure every vaunted British author will be clamoring to pen partially recollected memories of Lindsay being rabbit fucked in her ear by a tweaking Bob Saget. I bet there will be some shit in that book. But who’s going to pay $25 for a copy versus waiting for the four reasonably interesting bullet points to be posted online? I hope she’s not counting on this tome for her back rent. At least she found a better bikini top for her tits. Baby steps.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt August 04, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Lindsay Lohan posted a bikini pic to Instagram where she looks like a legit nine, minus a point for the scabies bites. The heavy shadows help to obscure a plethora of bruises, gashes, knife wounds, shrapnel scars, skin grafts and botched cocaine pinky fingernail amputations. Lindsay’s like that yard weed you just can’t eradicate. No matter how much planet-destroying poison you drop or rip it to shreds with your primal hands, it comes back looking relatively healthy like a fucking middle finger to your claim to the top of the food chain.
Lohan is the most confusing of all the women you’ve ever had the pleasure of mentally banging. Like one of those forced perspective Vermeer paintings, she looks amazing from far away but when you approach its just a jumbled mess of sloppy cracked paint hastily thrown together by a guy on the juice. It’s jarring when you warm up jerking off to this photo on her Instagram and click the one to the right of it, revealing you’ve been pleasuring yourself to the equivalent of your mother’s sympathy bingo partner. It’s the social media Crying Game.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 8:39 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s plan to escape the tabloid press by moving to Europe seems to be going well. I’ve only seen her seventeen times in the past three days, documenting her every step and bowel movement. All the news outlets mocking Lindsay’s sagging titties today are missing out on the larger point, look at that monster gunt. And the even larger point, why must we immediately criticize women for their looks? That seems sexist and shallow. If Lindsay were sober enough to speak, I’m sure she’d ask just to be judged on her work. And when you asked her what that was, she’d pretend not to hear you as she raced toward the water with her right tit bouncing up and down atop her rib cage like a tethered paddle ball.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 9:30 AM
Lindsay Lohan was the guest of honor at The White Party in Austria where they still know Lindsay as the girl who miraculously played both twins in the same scene in The Parent Trap. Only now she has tits and hates bras. Which made her perfect to be the guest of honor at an event where everybody wears white to celebrate “local and international arts and music” while plotting the rise of the next Reich. It took Lindsay a while to figure out why everybody kept asking her if her rich deep bruises were the result of being attacked by gypsies, negroes, and Jews in America. Lindsay deftly dodged politics for one night to focus on drinking and changing her dress when she felt pee running down her leg. Lindsay collected her check at the end of the evening and was carted away in a World Cup field stretcher, waving bravely at the crowd. The evening was a grand success.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:55 AM
Childhood trauma, drinking, drugs, anorexia, prison, failed careers. These are among the things that simply can’t keep the Lohan sisters down. Those two chin-up girls donned some ill fitting bikinis for their respectively awkward shaped bodies and hit the high seas about ten feet off the coast of Capri, lest probation officer helicopters come swooping down. The girls swam and suntanned and played the liars poker game of ‘Daddy did worse to me’ which as always ended in a mix of giggles and violent tremors. It was a nice chance for the sisters to get together and talk about the latest summer fashions and how they never want to bring babies into this cruel world.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 17, 2014 @ 2:47 PM
Lindsay Lohan’s desire to remain out of the spotlight off the gossip columns continues to be thwarted by her rather strong desire to fall down in public and promote her tits off on social media. It’s like watching the Scarecrow try and point the way to Oz. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be helpful.
Photo Credit: Lindsay Lohan/Instagram