There’s the drunk one with the sex list and the anorexic one, but who remembers poor Michael Jr.? Not only does he suffer from the genetic deficits borne into the Lohan family, he has to carry the namesake of his steroid addicted often arrested turd of a father. Even Gaddai gave his kids their own names and a hundred million in the bank to ensure they could lead somewhat normal lives like having Beyonce to perform at their birthday parties. But this Michael Jr. kid is truly fucked. I started to look him up to see what he’s up to when I came across the fact there’s yet another Lohan brother lurking around, another illegitimate daughter, and who knows what the fuck else. It’s like investigating grave sites in Salem. Some doors should never be opened.
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Lindsay Lohan may smell of dumb, but guess who swung the ‘I missed all my court deadlines because I had a miscarriage’ excuse in court without so much as a doctor’s note? That’s right, the freckle faced girl from Freaky Friday. Lindsay had been suing some international clothing distributor for $1.1 million in licensing fee guarantees they never paid her to sell her failed signature jeans in Dubai and Equatorial Guinea. The company counter sued for $5 million saying that not even dumb foreign mall rats would buy Lindsay’s jeans after she started being arrested for drugs. Lindsay missed her court deadline to respond to the suit, but the judge let her slide after she made him watch the final episode of Fat Oprah’s Lindsay Lohan reality show where the snorting ginger wept about losing her fetus in the janitor’s closet at Sbarro. Apparently, that was enough of an Exhibit A for the judge to quash the summary judgement against Lindsay and force the two parties into a settlement that netted Lindsay a cool $150,000 from the clothing distributor. So, who got the last laugh? The judgmental pricks in Dubai or the impoverished mountain children in Colombia putting together a $150K order for Miss Lindsay in Nueva York.
I’m no freaky NBA franchise owner, but if Lindsay Lohan were my kept woman I’d put my foot down on the topless Instagrams with random black dudes. She can bone them, but for social media and Passover Seders, I’d ask that she stick to the races that can’t fight back like the Hmong People and whatever Justin Bieber. The Cannes Film Festival has become the home of insufferable European cinephiles you want to punch in the face and Kardashian girls that will beg you to punch them in the uterus when you see them running back to their hotel rooms in the early morning hours. What Lindsay is doing in Cannes is anybody’s guess, save for screaming out ‘the cocaine song!’ every time the jingly French ice truck rolls by.
Not many addicts have the power to test themselves so severely like Lindsay Lohan. What is sacrifice if it’s never put to the test. Like hitting the exact same late night clubs where you used to get high and wasted. Right into the belly of the beast. Lots of people are questioning Lindsay’s sobriety, like those anonymous insider sources RadarOnline always seems to find:
“Right now she is doing a lot of Ecstasy and Molly because with the psych meds she is on, if she is tested it will only show up as amphetamine, which is prescribed to her so it’s ‘safe.’”
“I saw Lindsay rolling on Molly when we were at Coachella.”
“She doesn’t really hide it and anyone close to her knows she’s still using.”
Naturally, these insider sources are just bitches jealous of Lindsay’s strength of character to face her demons. Girls especially have always been jealous of women like Lindsay who can cold turkey any shit they want in their life. Lindsay even expelled a zygote on command when Fat Oprah demanded it for ratings. It’s called will-power, ladies. Let’s stop tearing down our heroines. Sorry, I meant, heroin.
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Lindsay Lohan would prefer that people not sue her and force her to pay $5 million over things that happened when she was “old” Lindsay Lohan. That’s how much she owes clothing line 6126 for either failing to uphold her end of a deal or driving her car into a store – I honestly can’t keep track anymore – but she swears the reason that she hasn’t bothered responding to the lawsuit isn’t because she doesn’t give a shit and she’d rather party with random dicks in London, but because she has been really overwhelmed since her miscarriage. But now, according to TMZ, Lindsay is going to have to prove that she actually had something growing inside of her stomach aside from cocaine bloat, because if she’s lying, it is perjury and she’ll be heading to jail. And who will go to all of the important cancer charity events looking like she just arrived in a clown car full of tired strippers if Lindsay is in jail?
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Unless I eyeball Lindsay showing off her tits in public once a week, I just assume she’s dead. It’s like Fidel Castro. They need to swing his crusty beard out every few months or people will start looting the state stores for the two-ply toilet paper so their hands stop smelling. Somebody warn Dina to stop grabbing shit out of Lindsay’s apartment, her daughter’s still alive.
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