Tons of people came down on Tiger Woods for banging a couple or few dozen women not his wife. Also, for texting girls during the middle of tournaments about wanting to fuck them so hard they split in half. His wife had the only valid reason to be pissed at him and he gave her a shitload of cash to help her feel whole again. I side with the people who say only a higher power can judge a guy like Tiger. At least it’s clear that they understand their place in this world. Plus, sometimes, that higher power will actually carry out a sentence. Which might explain why a giant sinkhole is forming under Tiger’s Jupiter Island insane fucking $60 million mansion. When Tiger noticed the floor in his majestic dining room bowing, he had workers pull up the foundation only to discover the soft Sunshine State soil was caving in beneath the home. Tiger suggested choking the sinkhole like the slut that it is and filling it with his big black cock. But, apparently, you can’t get a permit for that in Florida. Though Lindsay Vonn quickly forgave him for suggesting it, and then reiterated what an amazing man Tiger is.
Love is blind. If you didn’t believe it before, believe it now. Lindsay Vonn could have pretty much any man she wants. She wants Tiger Woods. A heralded sex addict, unfaithful husband, and porn star banger of the highest order. Great golfer, but I heard he also snores. She tells Vogue magazine this month:
“We immediately clicked, you know? It was just one of those things.”
Oh, yes, I know. You clicked. It was just one of those things. It’s so amazing it’s not describable with meaningful words. I’ve seen hookers discuss rimming their johns in more glowing terms.
“It all comes back to being happy. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks; do what you love to do and be happy and that’s it.”
And there you have it. It couldn’t be more true if you read it inside a fortune cookie or saw Khloe Kardashian tweet it with heart emoticons. Just be happy. And, get checked for gonorrhea. I think that last part is a gimme.
Photo Credit: Vogue
For all of the stories and photos that came out of Monday night’s Met Gala in New York City, I’m not even sure what the hell actually happened at that event, other than desperate women played dress-up, Kanye West rapped to his couch and Sarah Jessica Parker terrified children. And now we can add to that list that Tiger Woods apparently got really fucking hammered.
According to the Daily Mail, Tiger had a hard time keeping his hands off of his girlfriend Lindsey Vonn before he hit the dance floor with Tyson Beckford at the rooftop post-party. Tiger and Lindsey eventually left after Tiger reportedly fell while walking up some stairs. I’m not sure how the argument went during the drive home, but I imagine Lindsey said something like, “You really embarrassed me in there” to which Tiger whipped out their latest bank statements and she added, “I love you, Tiger.”
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Tiger Woods, a golfer people stopped caring about a long time ago following his sex scandal, is dating Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn, an alpine skier I’m not sure anybody ever cared about except for one week in the winter of 2010. But now Vonn just made the couple’s relationship Facebook official, and probably wears his championship golf jackets when they have sex.
I guess it wasn’t a well-kept secret but yes, I am dating Tiger Woods. Our relationship evolved from a friendship into something more over these past few months and it has made me very happy. I don’t plan on addressing this further as I would like to keep that part of my life between us, my family and close friends. Thank you for understanding and your continued support!
Continued support? I didn’t know we were supporting this in the first place. I’m sure people can change and all that bullshit, but Woods had sex with 120 different women while he was married to a way hotter woman than this. You do the math. The math says double that number, half anal. That’s a lot of ass.
UPDATE: One of the porn stars Tiger used to cheat on Elin with says Tiger probably already cheating on Lindsey Vonn.
Photo credit: WENN