By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
There’s that moment when you wake up and realize you just let Tiger Woods stick his dick inside of you for three years. It’s like an ice-cream brain freeze in your soul. Maybe you run into Charlize Theron at Whole Foods and she commiserates about Sean Penn dick. That only makes it worse. You don’t need a shoulder to cry on, you need a blow to the temple that will make you forget everything that’s happened since turning twenty-seven. Bury those memories deep. That and your nice ass should see you through to a French husband with decent real estate holdings. If your future kids ever bring up Tiger, mention how nobody is perfect. Also that maybe one day one of them will grow up to be a great scientist to cure mommy of the demon bumps around her genitalia.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex May 13, 2015 @ 8:26 AM
According to an anonymous ‘friend’ of Tiger Woods, the reason Lindsey Vonn and Woods ended their two year courtship was because Tiger fell back into his old habit of banging hookers super messy after a tough day on the course.
Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.’
If the rim of your high-ball was lathered in scabies and you still kept shoving your dick into it, this analogy would make more sense. Tiger had this same post-links ritual while married to Elin Nordegren, deploying his needy cock somewhere between twenty and two hundred times depending on if you believe divorce court records or the long line of working girls in New York and Vegas who all claimed to have fucked him. The same source also notes Vonn was growing increasingly tired of Tiger Woods being a self-centered, insanely boring asshole, though she could’ve lived with that if he’d just not been dancing with The AIDS. Apparently, the dating market for hot blonde Olympic skiers has plummeted since last I checked. The couple officially split last week citing hectic schedules as the cause. Everybody assumed that to mean Tiger was balling escorts again so I’d hardly call it a lie.
I think there’s a lesson in here somewhere for young women about dating dudes with nasty prostitute sex addictions who travel the world accompanied only by men whose sole job it is to arrange the hookers in the hotel rooms. I’ll get back to you when I figure it out. In the meantime, I hear Tiger Woods is single again, though I hear a bit boring.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt May 07, 2015 @ 7:22 AM
Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn have ended their super awkward courtship. No word on whether they will continue color coordinating. The two issued separate press releases nobody requested which explain Vonn has to concentrate on skiing and Woods has a bunch of Denny’s hostesses to throat fuck. It appears the press releases were written by the same publicist and made it very clear the split was mutual.
“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration and respect for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together.”
Vonn’s statement, which if you’re working a mail room feel free to throw directly into the garbage:
“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together.”
Cherish as a verb reeks of authenticity. The breakup is a shame since they have so much in common like speaking bluntly and using the same language in press releases about their relationship nobody gives a shit about besides Bob Costas. I wish them both luck. Tiger doesn’t need it. He’s a single 40-year old worth $500 million. Vonn is now what you might call Damaged. Wrap it up.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Tiger Woods went to watch Lindsey Vonn ski while rocking a creepy skull printed face mask and missing his front tooth. People noticed, because it’s pretty weird and it’s Tiger Woods and he’s fucking Lindsay Vonn. Woods’ agent released a bullshit sounding statement saying the tooth was knocked out by a news camera as he was being crowded by reporters in a tent. If you’re going to slander a certain group, you might to go for the people who don’t report on things professionally and can easily vet your story. Nicola Colli, the organizer of the event, said this:
“I was among those who escorted him from the tent to the snowmobile and there was no such incident.”
He sounds pretty confident. It’s unclear what actually happened, but most dudes don’t like it when they catch Tiger Woods balls deep in their girlfriend after her swing shift at Outback. Woods’ teeth have always looked like they were purchased at a boutique in SoHo and don’t look particularly human. I’m sure he can order a replacement online if he’s not distracted by his bookmarked torture porn while logging on. Woods out.
By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 8:38 AM
Tons of people came down on Tiger Woods for banging a couple or few dozen women not his wife. Also, for texting girls during the middle of tournaments about wanting to fuck them so hard they split in half. His wife had the only valid reason to be pissed at him and he gave her a shitload of cash to help her feel whole again. I side with the people who say only a higher power can judge a guy like Tiger. At least it’s clear that they understand their place in this world. Plus, sometimes, that higher power will actually carry out a sentence. Which might explain why a giant sinkhole is forming under Tiger’s Jupiter Island insane fucking $60 million mansion. When Tiger noticed the floor in his majestic dining room bowing, he had workers pull up the foundation only to discover the soft Sunshine State soil was caving in beneath the home. Tiger suggested choking the sinkhole like the slut that it is and filling it with his big black cock. But, apparently, you can’t get a permit for that in Florida. Though Lindsay Vonn quickly forgave him for suggesting it, and then reiterated what an amazing man Tiger is.
By Lex July 18, 2013 @ 2:01 PM
Love is blind. If you didn’t believe it before, believe it now. Lindsay Vonn could have pretty much any man she wants. She wants Tiger Woods. A heralded sex addict, unfaithful husband, and porn star banger of the highest order. Great golfer, but I heard he also snores. She tells Vogue magazine this month:
“We immediately clicked, you know? It was just one of those things.”
Oh, yes, I know. You clicked. It was just one of those things. It’s so amazing it’s not describable with meaningful words. I’ve seen hookers discuss rimming their johns in more glowing terms.
“It all comes back to being happy. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks; do what you love to do and be happy and that’s it.”
And there you have it. It couldn’t be more true if you read it inside a fortune cookie or saw Khloe Kardashian tweet it with heart emoticons. Just be happy. And, get checked for gonorrhea. I think that last part is a gimme.
Photo Credit: Vogue