Jennifer Lawrence Nipples Make Us All Sex Offenders

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:26 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Nip Slip While Leaving Hunger Games Premiere In London
I was with Jennifer Lawrence when she labeled everybody sex criminals for whacking to her hacked photos. It seemed harsh, but backing her felt like I was finally striking a blow for sexism. Also, my best chance to get laid. Peeking into her dress top to stare at her tits is probably at least a Grade-B misdemeanor. Could be a Grade-A if she did some more chest exercises. Just saying, if you’re going to keep flashing them, put a little time on the pectoral Nautilus at the Bally’s.

Jennifer Lawrence lies somewhere on that Uptonian spectrum of ladies who want to bank serious cash off their looks, but call you names when you do look. Pack on thirty pounds and quit the picture business and you’ll notice the peeping tom count drops siginificantly. The horny geezer at Walmart will still crank his neck when you reach for items on the lower shelf, just enough to make you wish you hadn’t thrown out the baby with the bathwater.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Lorde Takes a Spill

By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 2:11 PM

Lorde Falls Down With A Lamp Onstage At The 2014 MuchMusic Awards
I remember being a teenager and looking at some 30-something and thinking, you don’t get me, you don’t get us, you’re time is passed, old man. I didn’t really think like a cheaply written multicultural gang member in the movies, but we had our own definition of cool and we were pretty certain the adults didn’t get it. I can’t tell if Lorde is teen cool or just trying too hard to be cool. I know a million girls want to be just like her which should probably assist in declining teen pregnancy rates. She can actually sing which sets her apart from anywhere between most and all of her counterparts. Since God did not intend for people to have too many gifts, he made the talented artists awkward looking and clumsy. If Lorde doesn’t die in a workplace accident, she should go on to be a serious musician issuing tons of annoying social and political statements. Somebody get more steps.

Photo Credit: Splash, Getty

Lorde Disses Crazy Disney Bitches

By Jack November 06, 2013 @ 1:12 PM

Probable one-hit-wonder Lorde took a swipe at the teen creatures manufactured in the Disney star machine. In an interview with GQ she was asked if she worried about getting famous at such a young age. She said that because she wasn’t raised by some fame hungry stage mom on the set of some Disney Channel abomination she’s much more grounded than the Miley Cyrii and Amanda Bynes of this world. She says,

“The difference between those kids and me is that I grew up completely normally and went to parties and had that experience. I am way less inclined to be like, ‘Look! I’m fucking mental!’”

Lorde has already had a beef with Selena Gomez when she called her “anti-feminist”. That statement doesn’t make any sense. How can Selena be anti-feminist if she was in a lesbian relationship with Justin Bieber for two years? Lorde makes a fair point about not being raised in the Disney/Nickelodeon child star factory. The Mouse tends to fuck up kids big time. The track record of destruction is pretty indisputable. It also helps that Lorde is from New Zealand. That place is all Hobbits and fairies and if you need to bang a sheep to shake off the blues, nobody feels the need to label you.