Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Depreciates

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 8:05 AM


Whoever stole Lupita Nyongo’s pearl studded Calvin Klein gown from her hotel room returned it in a garbage bag after realizing they’d been duped into thinking it was easy money. The dress was worth $150,000 because it contained “6,000 alabaster akoya pearls” according to a bunch of lying publicists. Turns out the pearls were made of plastic as you’d expect if you weren’t still behaving like a retarded child who believes in mermaids. I’m curious how they arrived at $150,000. The actual paint on the Mona Lisa can’t be worth more than thirty bucks with inflation but that’s a work of art. This is a bridesmaid dress a guy in a scarf took a glue gun to. Brands lie to sell bullshit. Apply the story of this dress to every item at the mall and then dust off your tennis rackets. You’ll be dead in fifty years, do some laundry and spend the leftover money running up massive bar tabs. You’ll thank me later.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Lupita Nyong’o’s Gown Victimized

By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 6:04 AM


Lupita Nyong’o, who played the chick you fantasized about bending over a saw horse while your pursed your face in consternation watching Twelve Years A Slave, had her Oscar dress stolen from her hotel room. The gown was adorned with 6,000 White Akoya pearls and is worth $150,000 if you believe the insurance claims. Normally I think thieves should have their hands cut off but fuck this shit. There’s no reason a human should be wearing a dress worth more than my house while our veterans are roaming the streets for half eaten quarter pounders. I hope the cleaning lady hawks it on the black market and puts her sixteen children through college or at least mechanic school. Or just goes rogue and wears it to a Pollo Locco and goes out in a blaze of glory. I wonder if Robin Hood had a meth addiction. Chain it up outside next time.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Black Woman Nearly Sneaks Into Oscars!

By Lex March 02, 2014 @ 11:20 PM

Maybe it was all the concern over the rain or staving off the they’re-not-all-Muslim terrorists, but Academy Awards security completely missed this chick strolling right down the red carpet at the Academy Awards tonight. She wasn’t all that hard to spot, given her bright blue dress, and the fact she was the only black person in attendance. A bluetooth alert should’ve fired off in some burly dude’s earpiece. Code black! Because they’re not so clever with their codes. But, no, nothing. If Ryan Seacrest hadn’t begun shaking and pointing, this woman of color could’ve smiled her way into Hollywood’s biggest night.

(Obviously, I’m kidding. This is Lupita Nyong’o. Black women portraying slaves have always had a waiver into the Oscars.)

Photo credit: Getty Images