Madonna’s fifteen year old son Rocco ran away to England to be with his dad Guy Richie because he didn’t like spending his life on world tour with his mom. Long ago she stopped putting the sock on the door when she was fucking her gay backup dancers who really really need this gig. Even England is better. Dad hardly works. He’s there for you. You have to watch soccer. It’s a steep price. But not as steep as finding your 50-something mom’s gold grills covered in reluctant Moroccan creampie. I never imagined I’d write that sentence.
Madonna immediately went to court where she yelled and screamed demanding her son be returned to her in New York. Who else will lacquer her hard to reach spots with rubber cement and the foreskin of Kabbalah babies? Before you label this kid someday as a rich ne’er-do-well, just think about the things he’s seen in his young lifetime. I give him a free pass on up to murder. Completely free for matricide. Run, Rocco, run.
ISIS finds itself this Monday morning with serious repercussions from its Paris terror attacks. The French rented an airplane they used to bomb a Syrian Sambo’s, millions of people have emotionally invested in their new French flag Facebook profile pictures, and Madonna’s rambling tear-filled Stockholm concert speech that may just spark a tidal wave of peace.
Madonna gave the twenty second shoutout to Paris that went on for another eight minutes to a packed house of Swedes who cheered because their English is just bad enough to make everything anyone says on a stadium mic sound slightly profound. Also, vodka. Madonna called for peace through unity and understanding. After adjusting her fifty-seven year old tits in her corset and truss, she added human dignity. How good was Madonna’s speech? President Obama basically ripped it word for word as his own strategic foreign policy on ISIS just a day later. By the time Madonna transitioned from geo-politics into Like a Prayer, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. If we don’t see a complete surrender by the extremists of unnamed religion by Wednesday, let’s just say, you’re looking at another Madonna ad hoc. You’re not scheduled to blow yourself up until February. You’ll never make it.
Back before the last ice age, ginormous asshole Sean Penn and donkey witch Madonna were married. Then they broke up because only one needy bitch at a time can occupy a marriage. But lately he’s been spotted at a couple of her shows. Could they be bumping sandy snatch parts again?
The cops were called for a noise complaint during desiccated crone Madonna’s 57th birthday party in the Hamptons. It was the deafening noise of someone trying to hold on to her youth that alerted the authorities.
Madonna went on YouTube to pretend to answer impromptu questions from her fans while making sure to keep her face at a 43-degree angle to the camera for even one degree off and her skeleton appears to dance. Just past the two minute mark, she reads a question about that awkward make-out session with Drake at Coachella and fired off her an obviously canned response, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” That’s what the young kids call throwing shade. Madonna could’ve benefitted from a pause to pretend it wasn’t written by her assistant. Also that her intense hair bleach wasn’t causing her hearing aids to malfunction. At the eight minute mark, she makes mention of Drake again, claiming he begged her to come up on stage and stick her tongue down his throat while she remained hesitant since she’s 57 and even her mouth herpes are getting long in the tooth. We may never know the truth behind both sides allegations. The fortunate part being we don’t care.