Give It A Fucking Rest, Madonna

By Travis March 21, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Now that 55-year old Madonna has learned what hashtags are, she is continuing her campaign of emptiness on Instagram by posting random stupid pictures with meaningless messages like #artforrevolution and #rebelheart. The latest is this photo of her with some bright gold armpit hair and the message “Long hair…… Don’t Care!!!!!!” because, oh my God, she’s so fucking brave, you guys. Women everywhere don’t shave their armpits, but look at the way that the wealthy old lady is really sticking it to modern society’s norms with an inch or two of hair that it probably fake. She’s really making everyone reconsider the way they look at art, and if this is any indication of what is considered “edgy” for a pop star, expect Miley Cyrus to be posting photos of her full bush by the end of the weekend.

Madonna Ruined Game Of Thrones And Jesus

By Travis March 17, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

A very well-respected and honored member of the Jewish religion, Madonna showed off her appreciation for the costume party angle of Purim by posting a shot of her dressed as Daenerys from Game of Thrones on Instagram yesterday. Get it? Because Madonna thinks that she’s a queen, and Daenerys is a queen, and even though Madonna is 29 years older than Emilia Clarke, who has probably slept with several thousand fewer men, the race for which of them is sexier is clearly neck and neck since Madonna is so youthful and attractive all these years later. She also posted a photo of her and a man wearing a Jesus mask, because you know that she’s had sex with a guy who was dressed like Jesus at least a few hundred times, just so she can truly believe that she raw dogged the son of God. I also included the picture of Madonna licking her shower glass because everyone should start off their Monday by feeling sick.

Hey, Who’s That Hip, Sexy, Young Woman?

By Travis January 31, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Hot off her critically-mentioned duet with Miley Cyrus at MTV Unplugged, Madonna left her Pilates class in Los Angeles yesterday with a subtle message for all of her haters. The hip and edgy 55-year old wore a beanie that bore the message, “Calm the Fuck Down” on it, and she makes a hell of a point. Instead of facing the little things head on, like how she referred to her adopted African son as the N-word and then dragged him to the Grammys like a prop, or simply aging gracefully with sophistication like most women her age, Madge continues to approach life like a guy who puts bumper stickers on his card to let the world knows how he feels about Obama. At this rate, we can expect her to handle her next stupid controversy by wearing a “Who farted?” t-shirt to the Nobel Prize ceremony.

Photo Credits: STS/WENN.com

Miley And Madonna Are Worse Than Expected

By Travis January 29, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

MTV will air the new Miley Cyrus Unplugged special tonight at 9, in case you need to check your local schedule of speeding trains that you can step in front so you can be completely sure that you don’t catch even one second of it. As we know, Miley teamed up with Madonna for a duet, and the 55-year old pop star doubled down on her ridiculous Grammy cowboy costume by loading up on the rhinestones for tonight’s special. And of course they stuck their fucking tongues out, because if there’s one thing the world wants to see, it’s where all the dicks were sucked in 1986 and the landing pad for Terry Richardson’s balls in 2013.

Photo Credit: Getty

Miley Cyrus And Madonna Are Performing Together

By Travis January 28, 2014 @ 1:17 PM

Miley Cyrus may not have even attended the Grammys on Sunday night, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have other plans for keeping the fallacy that she’s changing modern pop music as we know it alive. Later today, Miley will record her MTV Unplugged show that will “showcase a more intimate side” and feature a “re-invention of the songs that have defined her career” and whatever else the MTV press release robot came up with, but the big surprise will be Madonna stopping by to perform with her. And according to a day dream that I keep having, the studio audience will be cleared out, leaving just Miley and Madonna in the room, as a pack of wolves are led to the stage to watch me pelt the two women with raw meat. I’m available, in case MTV likes that idea.

Photo Credit: Getty

Queen Latifah Marries Gay Couples at Grammys

By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

That four ring circus of everything but music jumped the auto-tuned shark last night when Queen Latifah married thirty-four couples on stage while Macklemore and Roy Rogers sang Same Love, a song about how all love is special love, including I think furry cosplay creampies, but I’m still checking the lyrics. Madonna wanted the world to know that banging African men half your age is same love, though it’s important to actually only marry successful white guys. Macklemore wanted to triple apologize to everybody for not being gay himself, though if only God had answered his prayers. And Queen Latifah just wanted to do anything on stage since she shat out 40 lbs for her daytime talk show. It all culminated in the Queen joining a few dozen couples on stage in holy matrimony. There were midgets and old people and Mexicans marrying Jews and I think one Yemeni stone mason married his four-year old second cousin, but the social statement oomph was the marriage of the gay couples. Using her regal powers, Latifah married them all in one fell swoop, signifying the hyper-holy nature of matrimony on national television set to Madonna music.

Grammy producers were quick to insist that the marriage set wasn’t just a publicity stunt. They also insisted that music sales are going great and American record stores continue to thrive.

“We don’t need to stoop to the level of trying to find gimmicks and sensationalistic approaches to what we do”
–Neil Portnow, the president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences

Neil, this would be the time to shut the fuck up, you know what you did. Now there’s a Yemeni dude raping a child on their wedding night and you are most definitely to blame. Still, you beat The Bachelor in ratings. Thirty-four gimmick weddings trounce one.