Madonna went on YouTube to pretend to answer impromptu questions from her fans while making sure to keep her face at a 43-degree angle to the camera for even one degree off and her skeleton appears to dance. Just past the two minute mark, she reads a question about that awkward make-out session with Drake at Coachella and fired off her an obviously canned response, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” That’s what the young kids call throwing shade. Madonna could’ve benefitted from a pause to pretend it wasn’t written by her assistant. Also that her intense hair bleach wasn’t causing her hearing aids to malfunction. At the eight minute mark, she makes mention of Drake again, claiming he begged her to come up on stage and stick her tongue down his throat while she remained hesitant since she’s 57 and even her mouth herpes are getting long in the tooth. We may never know the truth behind both sides allegations. The fortunate part being we don’t care.
Just 25-days ago America’s finest music makers were on a podium declaring the death of Spotify and Pandora and announcing the launch of Tidal, the true artist-fair music app. Kanye West, Madonna, that dude in the Mickey Mouse head, and Nicki Minaj got doe-eyed explaining how Tidal would cost only twice as much as its competitors so Madonna could afford a decent oneg shabbat spread for her Kabbalah cluster. That pretty much killed Tidal in the crib. Even Kanye’s hand upon Tidal couldn’t save that fucker. After a few downloads in the opening week, Tidal dropped off the bottom of the iPhone charts while Spotify and Pandora both had record signups thanks to a bunch of unlikable famous people talking shit about them. The enemy of my app is my friend. Displaying his unwavering loyalty, Kanye has removed the Tidal logo from his Twitter profile and retro-deleted every single Tweet he’d made about the service. Then he announced his won-loss record remains perfect. Memorial services for Tidal will be held later this week. Beyonce will sing a song she didn’t write and bitch about how she’s not getting songwriter royalties.
Photo credit: Getty Images
Canadian teen soap opera star Drake claims he’s “100%” with being deep throated by desiccated crone Madonna at Coachella. This is contrary to early reports and his obvious physical reaction to feeling his life force being sucked out of his gourd.
Read all of Drake’s lies. (Huffington Post)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley uses her arms as a bra for Harpers. (Egotastic)
Rihanna forgets to wear a bra and shows everyone her nips. (TMZ)
Nadine Leopold and her freckled face model some lingerie just for you. (Drunken Stepfather)
This is Bambi Blyth and this is her amazing cleavage. (Hollywood Tuna)
Is it OK to openly ogle Sophie Turner in tight pants yet? (Popoholic)
It’s Wednesday, let’s celebrate booties! (The Chive)
Madonna joined Drake on stage at Coachella and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to gag and wretch and talk to Jewish Jesus and then immediately go get his dick sucked by a nineteen year old pixie dust spreader. The whole scene is bizarre. As Madonna is kissing him he starts flailing his limbs around like he’s being raped by a toothless hillbilly. Madonna for her part announces her own name like she’s a pro wrestler and walks off stage with her old lady buns hanging out of her stripper attire. Drake’s public relations people are now spinning that he was just grossed out by her lipstick and not being involuntarily tongue jabbed by someone older than his mom but not as good looking. When dudes are repulsed by you making out with them it’s time to hang up the Road Warrior lingerie. You just ruined Coachella’s trending popular line graph. Bake a pie and call it a day.
Madonna spread her legs in Cosmopolitan’s 50th anniversary issue due to hit obstetrician waiting rooms four years from now. She took the opportunity to ramble some half truths about income inequality since that’s the best way to get attention as Rihanna declined her publicist’s request to let you shave her box on the Superbowl halftime show. True to form:
“We still live in a very sexist society that wants to limit people.”
Last I checked women are the majority of people in this country, not to mention the majority of college graduates, professional school graduates, doctors and lawyers. It’s illegal to discriminate against women with regards to employment. They earn a little less than men in total. They also work less in total hours on average. Whether or not there’s an actual issue I’d posit you’re not helping the situation by pegging gay models in overpriced hardcovers. It’s hard to take you seriously when you’re still playing dress up past menopause. If you actually have something to say write a letter to your Congressman. Actually, Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney reps your new $40 million townhouse on the Upper East Side. Now then, shut the fuck up and let’s talk about how shitty it is for Africans.
Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan.com
It came out today that dessicated crone Madonna used to bump nasties with Tupac Shakur. This throws a whole new theory into play about Tupac’s death. Namely, that he killed himself after seeing her weird Detroit pussy.
Read all the dirty details. (The Huffington Post)
What’s better than a hot chick? Two hot chicks. (The Chive)
Bahati Prinsloo wears see-through lingerie and it is good. (Egotastic)
Victoria Beckham is looking a lot like Skeletor these days. (TMZ)
Natasha Galinka is covered topless just for you. (Hollywood Tuna)
Please enjoy these pics of Raquel Nave’s big ‘ol bush. (Drunken Stepfather)
Chrissy Teigan is leggy as fuck in a pair of super tight jeans. (Popoholic)