By Lex February 26, 2015 @ 8:49 AM
Madonna’s something around Methuselah plus four score years old now, her centuries of aging masked only by the power of her Kabbalah bracelet and collagen injections. That giant cape she performed in at the Brit Awards nearly ended her. It was meant to fly away and blind those in the front row from the sight of her exposed lumbar girdle. But some future fired stage troll tied the cape too tight and it clotheslined Madonna right off the stage. She nearly impaled herself on a gay dancer horn. Even the undead can’t survive that misfortune.
Armani hooked me up! My beautiful cape was tied too tight! But nothing can stop me and love really lifted me up! Thanks for your good wishes! I’m fine! #livingforlove — Madonna reassuring her public on Instagram
Love didn’t lift you, that was three point five Newtons of force exerted on a mass of forty kilos not including makeup. It’s time to put Granny in the home. If she resists, bind the ankles and start the drip. You can still have so many wonderful concerts in your head, Madge. It’s time for soup.
By Lex February 09, 2015 @ 9:17 AM
There’s that moment when you realize you’re watching Madonna with the Alvin Ailey rejected applicants prancing behind her and you just want to brush your Chucky doll’s hair and forget about the world for a while. Fuck me, Grammy’s. You got me again. That aging grandma matador, that funky looking Australian rapper who looked like the queen in an albino chess set, and Taylor Swift who climbed to the top of the Staples Center roof and dared the biplanes to shoot her down. Somewhere in there they passed out all the awards to that sensitive British dude who who looks like the boy who rescues his cousin who didn’t get invited to the prom. Then handed Beck some ginormous trophy just to remind everybody Grammy voters simply still aren’t comfortable with black people winning the big awards. When this Sia chick showed up with the twelve year old girl who’s mom she paid to let her be raped by Shia LaBeouf I knew it was time to switch to Downton Abbey. It’s amazing what feels manly after an hour of the Grammy’s.
Photo credits: FameFlynet/Getty Images
By Jack January 05, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Madonna had to apologize after posting several pictures of Black leaders like Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela dressed like she is on her new shitty album cover. For some reason people thought it was asinine and racist that she was equating herself with MLK. I mean, she fucked Vanilla Ice for that SEX picture book, isn’t that the same as Selma?
Read all about Madonna’s backpedaling. (TMZ)
Rihanna wears a bikini and it is pretty hot. (Huffington Post)
Here is a look up Ginger Spice’s skirt and it isn’t very pretty. (Drunken Stepfather)
Stephanie Knight shows off her big ol’ titties in a tiny bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)
I would like to play connect the dots with Nadine Leopold’s boob freckles. (Popoholic)
Some deluded dude tries to get Kristen Stewart’s autograph and she gets piiiissssed. (Dlisted)
Valerie Van Der Graaf uses her tits to sell Passionata lingerie. (COED)
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Madonna had a bunch of unreleased tracks hacked which came as a shock to everybody who assumed she stopped making music in 1995. Madonna described the hack as an “act of terrorism.” This came on the same day 132 children were killed in Pakistan, marking a true tragedy in that they only got to hear the un-mixed versions of the shit they play in the bathrooms at gay bars before their gooses were splattered. Now she’s apologized, although she wants you to know she’s still really uncomfortable. She explained how the Internet is a Series of Tubes which has left her vulnerable to the hackers who spy through her bathtub drain. Unclear whether they can see anything worse than you cornholing a dude with a strap-on, which you’ve published in a book because you’re so edgy. My guess is it’s far more boring. In fact, given nobody cares, I’ll confirm it.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack December 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Dessicated crone Madonna crawled out from her cave where she eats fish tails and strokes The Precious to complain about her new songs getting leaked. She called it “artistic rape” which for one illusory moment made her music seemed compelling.
Madonna will swallow your soul, hackers! (Dlisted)
Justin Bieber wants to sing Gospel music. It’s like crucifying Jesus all over again. (TMZ)
Get ready to light up them cigars, boys. Obama is lifting a lot of restrictions on Cuba. (Huffington Post)
You want to see Olivia Wilde’s pussy lips? (Drunken Stepfather)
Luci Ford covered topless is better than most totally topless pics. (Hollywood Tuna)
Daniela Lopez Osorio es muy caliente! (Popoholic)
Paris Hilton flashes her cum encrusted panties in a limo because Paris Hilton. (The Superficial)
By Lex December 02, 2014 @ 10:09 AM
Dammit, Madonna, stop being so provocative. I don’t always want to feel compelled to reevaluate my feelings as they relate to dominant medial culture constructs. No offense to the ninety-seven 2-pt font names of people who made Photoshop possible. You actually did wonders to make Skeletor’s teats resemble human breasts one might pay five quid to shag in the water closet of a Bristol area pub. It’s probably time for grandma to holster those hangers and consider taking up quilting. Not because she’s old and creepy, but mostly because of that.
Photo Credit: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott for Interview Magazine