Madonna is mysterious

By brendon October 10, 2011 @ 2:48 AM

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Madonna left a church in New York on Sunday with her head covered by a blanket. Oh gosh I wonder why.

Please note that her bodyguard had to stop her from going the wrong direction because, to reiterate, there was a fucking blanket over her head. I also like that she’s essentially using her daughter, whose eyes are also covered by the blanket, as a bumper. “I’ll just wander toward the sounds of traffic with my kid in front, and when she says ‘oww’ or get’s yanked to the right suddenly, I’ll know to stop.” Nice parenting, dick.

(image source = inf)

Madonna demands workers avoid eye contact, face the wall

By brendon September 13, 2011 @ 4:58 PM

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When you think of Madonna, you think of a simple girl from humble origins who understands how lucky she is to have made it.

I’m lying of course. She’s a mean old cunt who doesn’t even question the “fact” that she’s better than everyone else and only puts up with her fans and servants when she absolutely has to, meaning when she wants more of their money or needs them to fetch things.

Case in point: she made volunteers at the Toronto International Film Festival, who is showing her directorial debut, avoid eye contact and face the wall when she was in the room. The Globe and Mail says…

…eight of the volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed.

In Madonnas defense, she looks like this now. I would want people to look at the wall when I walked by too, and if you pulled out a camera I would fight you to the grave and wrestle it from your hand as if you were lunging at my baby with a dagger. But hey, it’s not 1988 anymore, if Madonna wants me to face the wall when she comes into a room, that’s not a problem. I will, gladly. I would have anyway so this actually makes things way less awkward. Thanks stupid!

(image source = getty)

Madonna is entitled to hate your measly gifts

By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 2:43 PM

As expected, Madonnas publicist has issued a statement about the video of Madonna being a mean ungrateful bitch after receiving some flowers from a fan.

As not expected, her explanation is that Madonna has every right to think that you and your gifts are beneath contempt.

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

Good point. Because that was the issue everyone had. That she didn’t like hydrangeas. It wasn’t her cunty attitude, it was her preference in flowers. If that was her only issue I need to find out what her favorite poisonous snake is. It would be gauche of me to put a cobra in her bed when she prefers black mambas. I’d have made the faux paus of the season!

Madonna loathes hydrangeas

By brendon September 06, 2011 @ 3:50 PM

While on a panel at the Venice Film Festival this weekend, some reporter gave Madonna some flowers as a gift. But since they were hydrangeas, which she “loathes”, she rightfully put them on the floor and immediately made it clear what an asshole the reporter was for not knowing that. As the old saying goes, “it’s not the thought that counts, if you don’t read someones mind and give them a gift they love, fuck you.”

um, hey there Madonnas daughter

By brendon August 26, 2011 @ 12:17 PM

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The last time we saw 53-year-old Madonna with her 24-year-old boyfriend Brahim Zaibat, it was mentioned that he reportedly gets along well with her kids. At the time I had no idea that her daughter Lourdes, who is 15 now, woke up one day with those awesome tits.

So now this relationship makes way more sense. They all went swimming yesterday in Eden Roc, France. This is what Madonna wore. This is what Lourdes wore. Obviously Brahim is planning to kill Madonna so he and Lourdes can have her money, and obviously someone needs to stop him. Because that was my plan too.

(nice to see she finally did something about her unevolved brow, btw.)

(image source = splash and pacific coast)

Lady Gaga is into bondage

By brendon August 25, 2011 @ 6:01 PM

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According to the biography that Lady Gaga is following step by step, Madonna posed for some scandalous naked bondage pictures at about this point in her career. “Well then that’s exactly what I’ll do,” Gaga proclaimed after realizing she doesn’t have an original thought in her head.

(NOTE: actually these are newly released outtakes from a shoot she did with Vogue Japan in 2009, but you get the idea. these are all SFW, albeit barely. i had to host the three NSFW ones here and here and here)