In December, Madonna, who is 50, started dating Brazilian model Jesus Luz, who is 22. They we’re still dating in March when Madonna was making plans to adopt a little girl in Africa. Then on March 23rd, the adoption agency said, “The news she is linked to a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals.” This put the adoption in jeopardy, so five days later, while on her way to Africa to adopt that kid, she made a public announcement that she had broken up with Jesus.
You may find this hard to believe, but the adoption agency was not fooled by Madonnas insultingly lazy sham breakup, and they went on to deny her adoption.
Then a miracle happened, Madonna got back together with Jesus! And now, according to the NY Daily News, they may get pretend married!
According to Jesus Luz’s papa, Madonna and his son are definitely tying the knot, kabbalah style. “I don’t know if there will, in fact, be a real marriage between Madonna and my son. It will be a type of ritual, but I do not know [if the ceremony] will have legal validity.”
It does not. But it should. Maybe Kaballah needs more kinds of magic string. Maybe they could sell an enchanted black string that turns things into laws. And a white one that makes you invisible, and a yellow one that conjures up a guardian dragon. There’s really no limit to what these omnipotent twist-ties can do.
By brendon April 21, 2009 @ 11:17 AM
When Madonna fell off her horse during a riding session in New York four days ago, her publicist Liz Rosenberg does what she always does and blamed everyone else. The Daily Mail says…
Her spokesperson Liz Rosenberg claimed the horse was 'startled by paparazzi jumping out of the bushes'.
Makes is sound so dramatic. Like Madonna was peacefully enjoying the woods, floatin around like a little angel, and the pap's jumped from their hiding spot yelling "booga booga booga". But another, more accurate way to look at it, is that the paparazzi had nothing to do with it and weren't near her in any way and she fell because she’s 900 years old and old people can't judge depth or distance.
However, a police report said the singer did not report the supposed involvement of a photographer.
Sgt Herbert Johnson of Southampton Village Police Department (said): 'There is no mention of photographers. It's a matter of spin control that went out of control.
'If they felt there was something else, they would have written "paparazzi" in the form – if they felt there was a problem.'
This wobbly old hag better drink some milk and be glad she’s still alive. She must have landed in a pile of pillows because normally someone that old would have exploded into a cloud of dust.
By brendon April 10, 2009 @ 10:09 AM
Even though the government there told her to F off last week when she tried to adopt a little girl, Madonna is said to be building a home in the African nation of Malawi. The Sun says…
(She) has instructed her architects to draw up plans for a home in the African country, as she believes adopted son David would benefit from a connection to his birthplace.
“Madonna has a big, beautiful plot of land over there already. She’s planning to build a girl’s school in the Chinkhota village and those designs are well under way. But she’s gone back to the designers and asked if they could accommodate a family home on the plot or on adjacent land.”
Oh what the fuck ever Madonna. Here’s the answer: No. No, David would not benefit from a connection to his birthplace, because his birthplace is a jungle of monkey attacks, genocide and science-fiction type plagues. What the hell is he supposed to learn from that, heart pounding fear?
By brendon April 09, 2009 @ 10:16 AM
Madonna has been nothing but a mean spirited bitch ever since they split, but still Guy Ritchie is the one she has turned to after her failed bid to adopt a little girl in Africa last week. The Sun says…
Madge was devastated after being told three-year-old Malawi girl Mercy James can’t join her brood — Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and three-year-old David Banda, who she adopted from Malawi in 2006. “Guy was incredibly sympathetic, calmed her down and told her to be happy with the family she had.”
This was after Guy issued this statement of support last week:
“I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened her application has been rejected. She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her.”
This dude must have the patience of a saint to put up with her for so long. She’s like a villain in a fairy tale. Mean, ugly, pale and creepy because you can see the tendons in her arms when she moves. Honest to God I’d rather hump a vagina made out of wood than Madonna.
By brendon April 03, 2009 @ 5:53 AM
Two days ago Madonnas attorney felt the adoption of Mercy James was essentially done. He said, “I don’t see any law in Malawi that can stop this adoption.” So it would seem someone needs to go back to Law Seeing School because Madonas punk ass got denied.
The Malawian high courtturned down the singer’s request for an interim adoption of a second child because the singer has not satisfied a requirement that prospective parents be resident in the country for 18 to 24 months. The residency rule was waived in 2006, when Madonna was allowed to take her adopted son, David, to London. (Then) however, she was still married to Guy Ritchie.
A legal source told MailOnline: ‘It appears that Madonna has tried to circumvent Malawi’s adoption law.
‘But thankfully the judge has rightly denied her permission to do so.
‘While Madonna’s bid to adopt an African child is worthy, one would ask why she would choose to pursue so vigorously a child who although orphaned, actually has relatives prepared to look after her, but without the financial means to do so.’
Well no shit they turned her down. Madonna is how villages in Africa picture the Devil. An old bony white woman, pale as a ghost, who swoops down from heaven in the belly of a metal bird and then steals their children. This little girl might be snatched off the bank by a crocodile the next time she goes for a drink of water, but at least she won’t have to listen to fuckin “Lucky Star”.
(Madonna is ugly and I don’t like when people are that way, and last time I put up pictures of donkeys and that was much better. So I might just do that from now on. For example, this donkey won first prize, and this donkey helps Chinese Santa)
By brendon April 01, 2009 @ 3:52 PM
WOLVERINE – the X-Men sequel won’t hit theatres for another month, but a nearly finished print leaked online last night around 7:30. The source of the leak is still unknown, but I assume that Dougray Scott somehow did it. (source = variety)
MADONNA – her lawyer confirms the adoption of Mercy James is all but finished. He creepily said, "I don't see any law in Malawi that can stop this adoption." Then he put on a big metal glove and added, “No one on earth can stop us now! Silly humans, with your puny laws!” (source = us.com)
HEIDI KLUM – she’s naked in a new book from photographer Russell James, but it's kind of boring because they’re in black and white and outside and blurry and she covers up. So here is Eve Wrywal doing the opposite of everything I just said. (link is NSFW).