MADONNA IS NOT ADOPTING. OR SOMETHING.

By brendon August 14, 2008 @ 6:39 AM

Madonna’s spokesperson says today that there is no truth to the rumor that Madonna is in the process of adopting a little girl from the African nation of Malawi, despite reports from the British press, who quote sources inside the Malawi government and members of the child’s family.  Reuters says…

Spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg called the report ''completely inaccurate''. ''None of that is accurate,'' said Rosenberg, who acts as Madonna's chief spokeswoman at her Warner Records music label.
''She has not adopted a child,'' Rosenberg told Reuters.
''She went on a private visit to Malawi … to participate in the building of an orphanage and several other initiatives that are all under the auspices of an organization called Raising Malawi.''

Actually that statement is from two years ago, and it came while Madonna was adopting Davie Banda.  Yesterday she told Us, "Madonna has not made an attempt to adopt this baby earlier this year or now".   This is the problem with lying your ass off constantly.  Or maybe Liz is just completely out of the loop.  In which case she shouldn’t be the spokesperson.  Do we have any proof she really is Madonna’s spokesperson?  It doesn't sound like they’ve ever even met.

MADONNA WANTS TO BUY MORE KIDS

By brendon August 13, 2008 @ 10:53 AM

The Sun UK has pictures today of a little girl who will reportedly be adopted by Madonna in the next few days.   The little girls name is Mercy James.  She is three years old and she lives in Malawi, the same country as Madonna’s adopted son, Davie  (this is her. on the left).  The Sun says…

Malawian adoption minister Penstone Kilembe said: “Madonna’s representatives have been visiting the girl. The adoption is now advanced — all the government is waiting for is Madonna to forward the petition of adoption formalities.
 “Then Mercy will be able to leave the country for a new life.”
However, the girl’s gran Lucy Chekechiwa, 60, said she has been asked repeatedly by officials if Mercy could be adopted by an “unidentified foreign family” — but was firmly against it.
Speaking from her village in Zomba District, Lucy said: “Twice I have told the adoption people that I do not want Mercy to go outside the country.  But they keep on at us. Now they say that Mercy will be leaving us, but can return at age 18.”

Well no kidding she's against it.  Just look at Madonna.  I don’t know anything about Malawi but I bet they have legends about monsters stealing their babies, and I bet those monsters are white and rich and veiny.  Madonna might as well wear a lion’s head and walk on all fours in the dead of night, announcing her intentions with a haunting cry that cuts through the darkness, when she comes to take their babies.  But of course she should take their babies.  As many as she can.  Madonna might be an egomaniac but Africa sucks ass.  Unless you’re ranking places by their alien-like diseases and genocidal madmen, in which case Africa is number 1.  This kid will be much better off in Madonna’s London mansion, with access to the best of everything.  Fuck, she could take their President and he’d be better off too.



THIS IS HARD TO BELIEVE

By brendon August 08, 2008 @ 6:37 AM

A highly suspicious blog went up on blogspot yesterday, allegedly written by Madonna’s brother so that he could tell a few stories he wasn’t legally allowed to in his new book about life with his famous sister.  There are only three posts, but the gold medal winning story is about how she prepped her voice for a recording session one time.  The has-to-be-fake blog says…

    I'm at Madonna’s apartment in New York City where she is getting ready to film a scene for a new movie called Visionquest. She has been rehearsing a song called "Warning Signs" and sounds absolutely horrible. She then comes up with her usual solution for improving her voice and proceeds to call a guy named Johnny, a handsome rugged looking Puerto Rican guy who used to live at her former apartment building.
    “Chris, you have to go now,” she exclaims. I tell her that I can just stay in the other room, but she argues. Before she can say anything else, Johnny arrives at the door. His gives me a strange look, but it’s not a threatening one. “He’s leaving now,” Madonna says and gives me a look that reads, “Get out of her or else!”
    Johnny gives me that enticing look again and answers, “Actually, he could stay.” He smiles at both Madonna and I, who are at first fascinated at the thought of a threesome until the fact that we are brother and sister hits us. When Madonna informs Johnny that I’m her brother, he answers, “You guys don’t have to touch each other.” Johnny then proceeds to take off his pants and then his underwear. After our eyes glue to Johnny’s huge snake, Madonna and I look at each other in amazement. I immediately rush over to it as my mouth waters.
    “Sorry,” Madonna says and pushes me away. She then gulps Johnny’s snake like it’s some type of watermelon. Johnny sits down on a chair and I feel a little bit left out until he informs me to take off my clothes. I feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of my sister, but Madonna is so preoccupied that she barely notices.
    “Come here!” Johnny says and I walk towards him. Johnny then proceeds to suck my snake like it’s a watermelon and both of us are moaning in harmony. At least it’s more harmonious than Madonna’s singing throughout the day. Suddenly, Johnny’s moans become louder until I can hear Madonna make gulping noises. Johnny doesn’t swallow, but for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. Right after Johnny leaves, Madonna proceeds to sing and she sounds wonderful. Her performance of “Warning Signs” is a knockout that evening, even though they end up cutting the scene from the film.

"She gulped Johnnys snake like it was a watermelon"?  What the hell does that even mean?  For all you beginners out there, if you’re trying to explain to a girl how to give oral, it might not be the best idea in the world to compare your penis to something she would normally bite and then chew.  

(and yes madonna is wearing a see-thru shirt with no bra in that picture)



MADONNA HAS STILL GOT IT

By brendon July 28, 2008 @ 4:10 AM

Madonna left the Kabala center in New York this weekend with her daughter Lourdes, and I think we're close enough by now for me to admit she scares the ever living shit out of me.  From the neck up she looks like the puppet from Saw.  Is it any wonder Guy Richie wants to move on?  There’s no way she's even healthy enough to have sex.  Her vagina must be like wax paper, all dry and crinkly.

(picture source = splash news)



DO NOT WANT

By brendon July 21, 2008 @ 11:08 AM

This is pretty hard to believe but whatever because who knows, but the Daily Star says today that a sex tape starring Madonna and New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez is now being shopped around, with a 2 million dollar asking price.

A sleazy cameraman is trying to flog a tape he alleges shows the singer romping with US baseball hunk Alex Rodriguez.
He is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment allegedly used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts.
Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.
In a series of emails fired off to media outlets, he (the man who owns the tape) alleged the footage was shot two months ago in an apartment owned by a pal of Madonna she knows through her devotion to the Kabbalah religion.
The video man – who is also a friend of the apartment owner – claimed he found out and secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.
He alleged the footage he recorded showed the pop superstar romping with New York Yankees ace A-Rod.

This is dumb for a hundred reasons but mostly because, as the Star points out, you can't just break into someone’s apartment and set up cameras.  If that were the case Megan Foxs bedroom would look like a press conference introducing King Kong.

MADONNA, LENNY KRAVITZ ARE HOMEWRECKERS

By brendon July 03, 2008 @ 7:19 AM

Two days ago there were breathless reports that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez and Madonna were spending more and more time together, leading many to wonder if they were having affairs.  Then yesterday a few dubious sites claimed that Alex’s wife Cynthia was also on the prowl, and she had hooked up with Lenny Kravitz.  And although today several credible sources are reporting that Alex and Cynthia are in fact separating, Kravitz wants to make it clear it’s not because of him.  Us magazine says…

"There is absolutely no affair between Cynthia Rodriguez and myself," he tells Usmagazine.com in a statement. "This is unequivocally 100% not true.
"Cynthia is a friend and is here with the godfather of her baby, who is also Alex's trainer, his wife and their baby girl," he adds.
"She came here to escape from everything happening in New York City. I opened my home to her as a friend and I find it extremely hurtful that I am now being referred to as an adulterer."
On Wednesday, perezhilton.com and the Post reported that Rodriguez's wife Cynthia, 32, had left him for Lenny Kravitz.
The Post reports that she is in Paris with the rocker, 44, and was spotted outside his home as recently as Tuesday — the same day Us Weekly revealed that Madonna has been hosting late-night visits from Rodriguez at her NYC apartment.

I had a similar reaction when a bunch of the newspapers said I was sleeping with a married mans wife.  Except instead of whining, I used my karate to stalk my prey and extract my revenge.  Then I banged a bunch of supermodels on my yacht.  On second thought, I guess our reactions weren’t very similar at all.