Madonna Makes More Money Than Gaga

By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 4:10 PM

Madonna Wears A Grill As She Heads Into LAX
Lady Gaga hates Madonna for being her before she was her. There’s also the fact that guys actually wanted to have sex with Madonna when she was in her 20′s, as opposed to begging Gaga to put on an Admiral Ackbar mask before coming into the bedroom. So it must be a bitter pill to swallow for Gaga to earn a paltry $80 million this past year while Madonna and her mega tour for European men in tight slacks raked in nearly $120 million. Expect Gaga to respond to her silver medal finish with an onslaught of catchy songs about her snatch and an art exhibit featuring her smeared feces on canvases stitched together by gay Filipinos displaced by typhoon Haiyan.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar

You Want to Buy Some Barely Legal Madonna Nudes?

By Lex October 28, 2013 @ 4:04 PM

Madonna Nude In 1977 Photographed By Herman Kulkens
If you can imagine, former Penthouse published Bob Guccione’s private photo collection isn’t heavy on the landscapes and Banksy ironic graffiti art. Mostly lots of naked chicks, including stills of Madonna from when she was eighteen and posing as a nude art model for ten bucks an hour in Michigan. Now Guccione is dead and somebody he probably owed money to is auctioning off the entire Guccione photo collection. If you’ve been thinking to yourself lately, man, I’d love to beat off to Madonna if only she wasn’t so old and Skeletor like, now’s your chance to buy into hours of enjoyable alone time.

Photo Credit: Guccionecollection.com/Splash

Theater Chain Bans Madonna For Being a Twat

By Jack October 15, 2013 @ 3:18 PM

Former hot person Madonna has been banned from Texas theater chain The Alamo Drafthouse over being a bitch and texting during a movie. We told you the other day about an incident during a screening of 12 Years A Slave in which she was politely asked to quit texting and responded back, “It’s for business, ENSLAVER!”. The Alamo Drafthouse is famous for serving beer and grub during movies. You can get loaded, but you can’t fucking text. It’s all your personal freedoms not bleeding over into others.

“Until she apologizes to movie fans, Madonna is banned from watching movies @drafthouse.”

One theater chain banning the old crone may not affect Madonna’s behavior all that much. But what if she was banned from all theaters? What if Madonna were chased into the hills like the monstrous Gollum she is by angry cinephiles? Anyone who texts during a movie should be crucified in the parking lot as a warning for others. Please, Alamo, let the person she yelled at be the first to drive the nails into her frightening Middle Earth arms.

Madonna Texts During a Movie

By Jack October 11, 2013 @ 12:25 PM

Madonna apparently likes to text her 20-something boyfriend and social Imams during movies and doesn’t like you to call her out on it. The wizened ancient pop star was texting away like a teen during a screening of the epic true story of slavery and freedom, 12 Years A Slave. When someone asked her to please stop, she turned her cold dead eyes and artificially maintained face and said, “It’s for business…enslaver!”

Now, maybe she got caught up in the movie or maybe she’s just a self-righteous douche who believes that she needs to expose all human indignity in the world while giving herself an entirely free pass from similar scrutiny. Probably a combination of both, leaning heavily toward the latter. Now, back to your cave, Gollum.

Madonna Is A Muslim Now, I Guess

By Jack October 08, 2013 @ 1:16 PM

Madonna has moved on to desecrate Islam the way she did with Christianity and Judaism. You’ll recall that the bony crone made waves in the 80′s by making out with Black Jesus and slutting up Catholic iconography. Later she became a Kabbalah practitioner and started wearing magic bracelets and making her male penis providers attend classes. Now she is studying the Qur’an and is building schools for Islamic girls in Muslim countries. She says,

“I am building schools for girls in Islamic countries and studying the Qur’an. I think it is important to study all the holy books. As my friend Yaman always tells me, a good Muslim is a good Jew, and a good Jew is a good Christian, and so forth. I couldn’t agree more. To some people this is a very daring thought.”

I’m not sure who Yaman is, but I assume she’s talking about her vibrator. It’s great that Madonna has become such a religious scholar. In between dressing up like a cheerleader and lip-synching songs to adoring crowds of foreigners and banging dudes half her age. Some people simply wouldn’t have the time.

In Case You Forgot, Madonna Was Raped

By Lex October 04, 2013 @ 5:11 PM

Before you go rushing to the local constables, it was 35 years ago. When Madonna was only something like 147 and first moved to New York.  Sometimes when you’re doing a cover story interview for a magazine like Harper’s Bazaar, you just run out of good new stories. So you reach into the archives and pull out the rape story that you haven’t told in a while. Like an old jock bringing up the game saving tackle he made in the homecoming game. It’s a go-to. Madonna knows her audience. She quickly went to her rape and her nude modeling as the strongest remembrances of first moving to New York. Fuck, I clicked.