By Travis January 31, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Hot off her critically-mentioned duet with Miley Cyrus at MTV Unplugged, Madonna left her Pilates class in Los Angeles yesterday with a subtle message for all of her haters. The hip and edgy 55-year old wore a beanie that bore the message, “Calm the Fuck Down” on it, and she makes a hell of a point. Instead of facing the little things head on, like how she referred to her adopted African son as the N-word and then dragged him to the Grammys like a prop, or simply aging gracefully with sophistication like most women her age, Madge continues to approach life like a guy who puts bumper stickers on his card to let the world knows how he feels about Obama. At this rate, we can expect her to handle her next stupid controversy by wearing a “Who farted?” t-shirt to the Nobel Prize ceremony.
Photo Credits: STS/WENN.com
By Travis January 29, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
MTV will air the new Miley Cyrus Unplugged special tonight at 9, in case you need to check your local schedule of speeding trains that you can step in front so you can be completely sure that you don’t catch even one second of it. As we know, Miley teamed up with Madonna for a duet, and the 55-year old pop star doubled down on her ridiculous Grammy cowboy costume by loading up on the rhinestones for tonight’s special. And of course they stuck their fucking tongues out, because if there’s one thing the world wants to see, it’s where all the dicks were sucked in 1986 and the landing pad for Terry Richardson’s balls in 2013.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis January 28, 2014 @ 1:17 PM
Miley Cyrus may not have even attended the Grammys on Sunday night, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have other plans for keeping the fallacy that she’s changing modern pop music as we know it alive. Later today, Miley will record her MTV Unplugged show that will “showcase a more intimate side” and feature a “re-invention of the songs that have defined her career” and whatever else the MTV press release robot came up with, but the big surprise will be Madonna stopping by to perform with her. And according to a day dream that I keep having, the studio audience will be cleared out, leaving just Miley and Madonna in the room, as a pack of wolves are led to the stage to watch me pelt the two women with raw meat. I’m available, in case MTV likes that idea.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
That four ring circus of everything but music jumped the auto-tuned shark last night when Queen Latifah married thirty-four couples on stage while Macklemore and Roy Rogers sang Same Love, a song about how all love is special love, including I think furry cosplay creampies, but I’m still checking the lyrics. Madonna wanted the world to know that banging African men half your age is same love, though it’s important to actually only marry successful white guys. Macklemore wanted to triple apologize to everybody for not being gay himself, though if only God had answered his prayers. And Queen Latifah just wanted to do anything on stage since she shat out 40 lbs for her daytime talk show. It all culminated in the Queen joining a few dozen couples on stage in holy matrimony. There were midgets and old people and Mexicans marrying Jews and I think one Yemeni stone mason married his four-year old second cousin, but the social statement oomph was the marriage of the gay couples. Using her regal powers, Latifah married them all in one fell swoop, signifying the hyper-holy nature of matrimony on national television set to Madonna music.
Grammy producers were quick to insist that the marriage set wasn’t just a publicity stunt. They also insisted that music sales are going great and American record stores continue to thrive.
“We don’t need to stoop to the level of trying to find gimmicks and sensationalistic approaches to what we do”
–Neil Portnow, the president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences
Neil, this would be the time to shut the fuck up, you know what you did. Now there’s a Yemeni dude raping a child on their wedding night and you are most definitely to blame. Still, you beat The Bachelor in ratings. Thirty-four gimmick weddings trounce one.
By Travis January 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Last week, 55-year old pop music afterthought Madonna got everything she could have ever wanted when people became furious with her for using the hashtag “#disnigga” when she posted a photo of her son David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie on Instagram. Madonna apologized for being so hip and edgy at her age and assured everyone that she’s not racist, because she’s far more of an ignorant, desperate old woman than she is a hate monger. So to prove that she’s not racist and only used the word as a term of affection for her son, Madonna brought David to the Grammys last night, and they dressed like Lucille Bluth’s worst nightmare at Motherboy. Later, Madonna would perform with Macklemore and Ryan Lewis as dozens of couples were actually married on stage, and David probably sat in back, watching everyone’s coats.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex January 20, 2014 @ 5:58 PM
It’s confusing being a politically correct celebrity. You so badly want to be publicly on the right side of important civil rights issues, yet you really want to seem cool to your son and his friends by dropping the N-bomb casually. What the hell do you do? Compromise with nigga. That’s what Madonna did on her super hip hashtag showing off her 13-year old son’s boxing prowess. #disnigga. Madonna herself went into the various stages of racist social media regret, first slamming haters for hating on her hashtag, then pulling the Instagram photo, going into hiding, and finally issuing an apology to E! news, because they are the newspaper of record for the mildly retarded.
I am sorry if I offended anyone with my use of the N-word on Instagram, It was not meant as a racial slur … I am not a racist.
To bolster her point, Madonna provided E! news with a full list of every man she has slept with in her life as least as dark as Jellybean Benitez. She also reminded everybody that she likes to call people ‘enslavers’ when they don’t give her what she wants, as an homage to the horrible history of black subjugation in this country. I really hate seeing anybody get beat up over this thought police culture of kneejerk labeling. Though if anybody has to get beat up, I don’t mind seeing Madonna. That’ why I always rooted for Sean Penn’s left hook when they were married. I guess I’m a sexist. Or a misogynist. Or just right.
Photo credit: Splash News