Poor, old, pathetic and desperate Madonna. All she wanted to do last night was attend the Met Gala, but when she shared the dress that she wanted to wear with Anna Wintour, Madonna was told, “Not this year.” As you can see in the photo that she posted on Instagram, the dress she picked out would have had her 55-year old tits on full display for everyone at the event, and we all owe Anna a great deal of gratitude for keeping us from having to see those things. Unfortunately, Madonna claims that she used the free time last night to stay home and work on music instead, so fuck you very much for that, Anna Wintour.
Now that 55-year old Madonna has learned what hashtags are, she is continuing her campaign of emptiness on Instagram by posting random stupid pictures with meaningless messages like #artforrevolution and #rebelheart. The latest is this photo of her with some bright gold armpit hair and the message “Long hair…… Don’t Care!!!!!!” because, oh my God, she’s so fucking brave, you guys. Women everywhere don’t shave their armpits, but look at the way that the wealthy old lady is really sticking it to modern society’s norms with an inch or two of hair that it probably fake. She’s really making everyone reconsider the way they look at art, and if this is any indication of what is considered “edgy” for a pop star, expect Miley Cyrus to be posting photos of her full bush by the end of the weekend.
A very well-respected and honored member of the Jewish religion, Madonna showed off her appreciation for the costume party angle of Purim by posting a shot of her dressed as Daenerys from Game of Thrones on Instagram yesterday. Get it? Because Madonna thinks that she’s a queen, and Daenerys is a queen, and even though Madonna is 29 years older than Emilia Clarke, who has probably slept with several thousand fewer men, the race for which of them is sexier is clearly neck and neck since Madonna is so youthful and attractive all these years later. She also posted a photo of her and a man wearing a Jesus mask, because you know that she’s had sex with a guy who was dressed like Jesus at least a few hundred times, just so she can truly believe that she raw dogged the son of God. I also included the picture of Madonna licking her shower glass because everyone should start off their Monday by feeling sick.
Hot off her critically-mentioned duet with Miley Cyrus at MTV Unplugged, Madonna left her Pilates class in Los Angeles yesterday with a subtle message for all of her haters. The hip and edgy 55-year old wore a beanie that bore the message, “Calm the Fuck Down” on it, and she makes a hell of a point. Instead of facing the little things head on, like how she referred to her adopted African son as the N-word and then dragged him to the Grammys like a prop, or simply aging gracefully with sophistication like most women her age, Madge continues to approach life like a guy who puts bumper stickers on his card to let the world knows how he feels about Obama. At this rate, we can expect her to handle her next stupid controversy by wearing a “Who farted?” t-shirt to the Nobel Prize ceremony.
Photo Credits: STS/WENN.com
MTV will air the new Miley Cyrus Unplugged special tonight at 9, in case you need to check your local schedule of speeding trains that you can step in front so you can be completely sure that you don’t catch even one second of it. As we know, Miley teamed up with Madonna for a duet, and the 55-year old pop star doubled down on her ridiculous Grammy cowboy costume by loading up on the rhinestones for tonight’s special. And of course they stuck their fucking tongues out, because if there’s one thing the world wants to see, it’s where all the dicks were sucked in 1986 and the landing pad for Terry Richardson’s balls in 2013.
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Miley Cyrus may not have even attended the Grammys on Sunday night, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have other plans for keeping the fallacy that she’s changing modern pop music as we know it alive. Later today, Miley will record her MTV Unplugged show that will “showcase a more intimate side” and feature a “re-invention of the songs that have defined her career” and whatever else the MTV press release robot came up with, but the big surprise will be Madonna stopping by to perform with her. And according to a day dream that I keep having, the studio audience will be cleared out, leaving just Miley and Madonna in the room, as a pack of wolves are led to the stage to watch me pelt the two women with raw meat. I’m available, in case MTV likes that idea.
Photo Credit: Getty