Queen Latifah Marries Gay Couples at Grammys

By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

That four ring circus of everything but music jumped the auto-tuned shark last night when Queen Latifah married thirty-four couples on stage while Macklemore and Roy Rogers sang Same Love, a song about how all love is special love, including I think furry cosplay creampies, but I’m still checking the lyrics. Madonna wanted the world to know that banging African men half your age is same love, though it’s important to actually only marry successful white guys. Macklemore wanted to triple apologize to everybody for not being gay himself, though if only God had answered his prayers. And Queen Latifah just wanted to do anything on stage since she shat out 40 lbs for her daytime talk show. It all culminated in the Queen joining a few dozen couples on stage in holy matrimony. There were midgets and old people and Mexicans marrying Jews and I think one Yemeni stone mason married his four-year old second cousin, but the social statement oomph was the marriage of the gay couples. Using her regal powers, Latifah married them all in one fell swoop, signifying the hyper-holy nature of matrimony on national television set to Madonna music.

Grammy producers were quick to insist that the marriage set wasn’t just a publicity stunt. They also insisted that music sales are going great and American record stores continue to thrive.

“We don’t need to stoop to the level of trying to find gimmicks and sensationalistic approaches to what we do”
–Neil Portnow, the president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences

Neil, this would be the time to shut the fuck up, you know what you did. Now there’s a Yemeni dude raping a child on their wedding night and you are most definitely to blame. Still, you beat The Bachelor in ratings. Thirty-four gimmick weddings trounce one.

You Sure Showed Us, Madonna

By Travis January 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Last week, 55-year old pop music afterthought Madonna got everything she could have ever wanted when people became furious with her for using the hashtag “#disnigga” when she posted a photo of her son David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie on Instagram. Madonna apologized for being so hip and edgy at her age and assured everyone that she’s not racist, because she’s far more of an ignorant, desperate old woman than she is a hate monger. So to prove that she’s not racist and only used the word as a term of affection for her son, Madonna brought David to the Grammys last night, and they dressed like Lucille Bluth’s worst nightmare at Motherboy. Later, Madonna would perform with Macklemore and Ryan Lewis as dozens of couples were actually married on stage, and David probably sat in back, watching everyone’s coats.

Photo Credits: Getty

Madonna Hashtags the N-Bomb Then Goes Into Hiding

By Lex January 20, 2014 @ 5:58 PM

It’s confusing being a politically correct celebrity. You so badly want to be publicly on the right side of important civil rights issues, yet you really want to seem cool to your son and his friends by dropping the N-bomb casually. What the hell do you do? Compromise with nigga. That’s what Madonna did on her super hip hashtag showing off her 13-year old son’s boxing prowess. #disnigga. Madonna herself went into the various stages of racist social media regret, first slamming haters for hating on her hashtag, then pulling the Instagram photo, going into hiding, and finally issuing an apology to E! news, because they are the newspaper of record for the mildly retarded.

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my use of the N-word on Instagram, It was not meant as a racial slur … I am not a racist.

To bolster her point, Madonna provided E! news with a full list of every man she has slept with in her life as least as dark as Jellybean Benitez. She also reminded everybody that she likes to call people ‘enslavers’ when they don’t give her what she wants, as an homage to the horrible history of black subjugation in this country. I really hate seeing anybody get beat up over this thought police culture of kneejerk labeling. Though if anybody has to get beat up, I don’t mind seeing Madonna. That’ why I always rooted for Sean Penn’s left hook when they were married. I guess I’m a sexist. Or a misogynist. Or just right.

Photo credit: Splash News

Madonna’s Baby Boy Likes Him Some Gin

By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 8:07 PM

Madonna Posts A Photo Of Her Son Rocco With Booze Bootles To Instagram
Madonna posted a New Year’s picture of her 13-year old hoisting a bottle of gin with the caption: The party has just begun! Bring it 2014! Now she’s being judged. She wants you to stop judging her as a mom. Also, stop judging 55-year olds who say ‘bring it’. Stop judging skeletor looking women who buy babies from the Sudan to supplement their own kids from multiple fathers. Stop judging pop music and the mystical religion of Kabbalah and older women who likes to mount young Moroccan male dancers while calling them Fatima. Just stop it.

Calm down and get a sense of humor! Don’t start the year off with judgement!” — Madonna on Instagram

What did I tell you. Don’t judge the year, or how it starts, or the use of exclamation points where they’re not warranted. Leave Madonna and her family alone and you won’t get hurt. That bandana probably means her kid is queer. Shit, I just judged Madonna’s family. I’m going to need some time with this, Madge.

Photo Credit: Madonna/Instagram

Madonna And Her High School Fiancé Break Up

By Lex December 13, 2013 @ 7:24 PM

Madonna Performs Onstage With Brahim Zaibat For Her MDNA Tour In London
This is really sad news. What chances do any of us have of sustaining love if a young French Algerian Muslim backup dancer can’t make it with an aging Skeletor looking pop music sheizen distributor? Fuck, romance is really really dead. It was just a few months ago that Madonna’s crackling vagina announced to her pretend friends at Kabbalah that she and Brahim were engaged. She was even going to pin her magical red string around Brahim’s wrist and recite the incantation that would allow her to absorb his youth into her own multi-thousand year old body. But something happened to break that spell. Some will blame it on supernatural forces working against such a demonic coupling. Others will note that it was bound to happen the first time Madonna wanted to have sex with the lights on. Either way, look for Madonna to swing through North Africa this Christmas to pick up a new baby and a boyfriend on a two-fer deal in the tribal lands.

Photo Credit: WENN

Madonna Makes More Money Than Gaga

By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 4:10 PM

Madonna Wears A Grill As She Heads Into LAX
Lady Gaga hates Madonna for being her before she was her. There’s also the fact that guys actually wanted to have sex with Madonna when she was in her 20′s, as opposed to begging Gaga to put on an Admiral Ackbar mask before coming into the bedroom. So it must be a bitter pill to swallow for Gaga to earn a paltry $80 million this past year while Madonna and her mega tour for European men in tight slacks raked in nearly $120 million. Expect Gaga to respond to her silver medal finish with an onslaught of catchy songs about her snatch and an art exhibit featuring her smeared feces on canvases stitched together by gay Filipinos displaced by typhoon Haiyan.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar