Before you go rushing to the local constables, it was 35 years ago. When Madonna was only something like 147 and first moved to New York. Sometimes when you’re doing a cover story interview for a magazine like Harper’s Bazaar, you just run out of good new stories. So you reach into the archives and pull out the rape story that you haven’t told in a while. Like an old jock bringing up the game saving tackle he made in the homecoming game. It’s a go-to. Madonna knows her audience. She quickly went to her rape and her nude modeling as the strongest remembrances of first moving to New York. Fuck, I clicked.
Mock all you want, but Madonna just happens to be the highest paid celebrity in the world. And I think she knows a thing or two about geopolitics after raping many foreign lands of their most beautiful baby children. You can’t possibly tell me Obama has a plan. So why not let Madonna run shit through her Instagram account and hand written messages. It’s actually, ‘for fuck’s sake’, but I’m not about to jump on people for poor syntax. Mine sucks. So does my plan for Syria. I’m getting behind Madonna because she can do more push ups than me, wears a magical bracelet, and uses exclamation points. Obama, I suggest you do the same.
I don’t know what to say, twenty-five years into her popularity and Madonna is still owning the sport of selling shit like a pop star. Transferring dollars from young girls and dudes who love hair product into her own bank account. Make fun of her Skeletor looks, her desperate desire to act half her age, her purchased politically correct adopted children, her idiotic statements, her mostly moronic music, and on and on and on. Bitch be popping still. She earned $125 million this past year, more than even fucking Oprah, making her the top earning celebrity on the planet. She’s got scoreboard. She’s LeBron. You can no longer hate on her without sounding stupid.
Photo Credit: Getty
Madonna’s latest new accessory is her diamond-encrusted gold grill. She needed a ‘wow factor’ upgrade to her outdated accessories, cute African babies. With the new mouthpiece, Madonna can relate to an entirely new generation of young women and men pretending they’re not gay by writing shit like “Don’t hate me. Hate my #grilz” on her Instagram page. This is like when your middle aged divorced uncle shows up in skinny jeans and a much younger foreign girlfriend. It’s mostly just uncomfortable, especially when his girlfriend starts sobbing about how he stole her passport and she can’t get back home to her fishing village.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
Madonna turned 55 on Friday, so she did what every other 55-year old woman would do and threw a huge party and dressed like a fancy stripper nearly a third of her age. Actually, she dressed up like Marie Antoinette if Marie were a fancy stripper nearly a third her age, and then she further killed the few heterosexual penises in the room by shaking her ass all over her 26-year old boyfriend Brahim Zaibat.
I’m not saying that a women old enough to be a grandmother shouldn’t be having a little fun on her birthday, but Madonna should be spending her special day by gambling her savings away in a casino or driving up to Vancouver to pick up some discounted Lipitor. Hell, at the very least, she should do it by wearing pants.
(Photo Credit: Madonna’s Instagram)
Madonna had a good run. She made a shit ton out of precious few natural resources. She’s like Hong Kong. But now she needs to turn the chieftain stick over to her daughter Lourdes. Lourdes has tools her mother never had. Like the innate talents to draw in a straight male audience. Time to chip away the ice floe and send Madonna on her next great adventure. Goodbye, Madge, we’ll see you on the other side.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet