By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 8:07 PM
Madonna posted a New Year’s picture of her 13-year old hoisting a bottle of gin with the caption: The party has just begun! Bring it 2014! Now she’s being judged. She wants you to stop judging her as a mom. Also, stop judging 55-year olds who say ‘bring it’. Stop judging skeletor looking women who buy babies from the Sudan to supplement their own kids from multiple fathers. Stop judging pop music and the mystical religion of Kabbalah and older women who likes to mount young Moroccan male dancers while calling them Fatima. Just stop it.
Calm down and get a sense of humor! Don’t start the year off with judgement!” — Madonna on Instagram
What did I tell you. Don’t judge the year, or how it starts, or the use of exclamation points where they’re not warranted. Leave Madonna and her family alone and you won’t get hurt. That bandana probably means her kid is queer. Shit, I just judged Madonna’s family. I’m going to need some time with this, Madge.
Photo Credit: Madonna/Instagram
By Lex December 13, 2013 @ 7:24 PM
This is really sad news. What chances do any of us have of sustaining love if a young French Algerian Muslim backup dancer can’t make it with an aging Skeletor looking pop music sheizen distributor? Fuck, romance is really really dead. It was just a few months ago that Madonna’s crackling vagina announced to her pretend friends at Kabbalah that she and Brahim were engaged. She was even going to pin her magical red string around Brahim’s wrist and recite the incantation that would allow her to absorb his youth into her own multi-thousand year old body. But something happened to break that spell. Some will blame it on supernatural forces working against such a demonic coupling. Others will note that it was bound to happen the first time Madonna wanted to have sex with the lights on. Either way, look for Madonna to swing through North Africa this Christmas to pick up a new baby and a boyfriend on a two-fer deal in the tribal lands.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 4:10 PM
Lady Gaga hates Madonna for being her before she was her. There’s also the fact that guys actually wanted to have sex with Madonna when she was in her 20′s, as opposed to begging Gaga to put on an Admiral Ackbar mask before coming into the bedroom. So it must be a bitter pill to swallow for Gaga to earn a paltry $80 million this past year while Madonna and her mega tour for European men in tight slacks raked in nearly $120 million. Expect Gaga to respond to her silver medal finish with an onslaught of catchy songs about her snatch and an art exhibit featuring her smeared feces on canvases stitched together by gay Filipinos displaced by typhoon Haiyan.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar
By Lex October 28, 2013 @ 4:04 PM
If you can imagine, former Penthouse published Bob Guccione’s private photo collection isn’t heavy on the landscapes and Banksy ironic graffiti art. Mostly lots of naked chicks, including stills of Madonna from when she was eighteen and posing as a nude art model for ten bucks an hour in Michigan. Now Guccione is dead and somebody he probably owed money to is auctioning off the entire Guccione photo collection. If you’ve been thinking to yourself lately, man, I’d love to beat off to Madonna if only she wasn’t so old and Skeletor like, now’s your chance to buy into hours of enjoyable alone time.
Photo Credit: Guccionecollection.com/Splash
By Michael October 15, 2013 @ 3:18 PM
Former hot person Madonna has been banned from Texas theater chain The Alamo Drafthouse over being a bitch and texting during a movie. We told you the other day about an incident during a screening of 12 Years A Slave in which she was politely asked to quit texting and responded back, “It’s for business, ENSLAVER!”. The Alamo Drafthouse is famous for serving beer and grub during movies. You can get loaded, but you can’t fucking text. It’s all your personal freedoms not bleeding over into others.
“Until she apologizes to movie fans, Madonna is banned from watching movies @drafthouse.”
One theater chain banning the old crone may not affect Madonna’s behavior all that much. But what if she was banned from all theaters? What if Madonna were chased into the hills like the monstrous Gollum she is by angry cinephiles? Anyone who texts during a movie should be crucified in the parking lot as a warning for others. Please, Alamo, let the person she yelled at be the first to drive the nails into her frightening Middle Earth arms.
By Michael October 11, 2013 @ 12:25 PM
Madonna apparently likes to text her 20-something boyfriend and social Imams during movies and doesn’t like you to call her out on it. The wizened ancient pop star was texting away like a teen during a screening of the epic true story of slavery and freedom, 12 Years A Slave. When someone asked her to please stop, she turned her cold dead eyes and artificially maintained face and said, “It’s for business…enslaver!”
Now, maybe she got caught up in the movie or maybe she’s just a self-righteous douche who believes that she needs to expose all human indignity in the world while giving herself an entirely free pass from similar scrutiny. Probably a combination of both, leaning heavily toward the latter. Now, back to your cave, Gollum.