Madonna Turns 55, Lourdes Ready to Take Over

By Lex August 16, 2013 @ 2:50 PM

Lourdes Leon In A Bikini With Madonna And Family On The Water In Ville Franche, France
Madonna had a good run. She made a shit ton out of precious few natural resources. She’s like Hong Kong. But now she needs to turn the chieftain stick over to her daughter Lourdes. Lourdes has tools her mother never had. Like the innate talents to draw in a straight male audience. Time to chip away the ice floe and send Madonna on her next great adventure. Goodbye, Madge, we’ll see you on the other side.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Madonna Paintballs With Her Family

By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 6:12 PM

Madonna Goes Paintballing With Her Family In The South Of France
Don’t think Madonna is adopting kids from around the globe and training them in weapons combat just to win more UNICEF medals. Madonna is tied deep into the seventh layer of the Kabbalah mystics. She knows what kinds of apocalyptic dangers are on the horizon. She’s building a freaking Benetton midget army to hold the temple. Also, now that her boyfriend is eighteen, he can use the real paint pellets so it’s much more fun.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

Madonna Is Still Edgy in ‘Secret Project’ (VIDEO)

By Travis June 25, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Despite the fact that she’s constantly preaching about peace and gun control, Madonna sure loves to use guns and violence in her performances while telling people that it’s art. So of course her strange new trailer for “Secret Project” has her executing a man with a revolver, like she’s a 54-year old, veiny Pablo Picasso.

Proving that she’s still hipper than all the other dancing grannies, Madonna also uses a hashtag in the video, and I’m sure she told the director to include it “so the kids can put it on their Twatters and Spacebooks” before emailing her bank info to those poor boys in Nigeria and clicking this link to meet sexy singles near her for no strings sex.

Madonna Is the Sound Of Change

By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 6:52 PM

Madonna In All Black At The Sound Of Change Live Concert In London
As Madonna marches ever forward into her transformation into an anorexic Chloe Webb, don’t think for a minute she’s forgotten about the world’s children. The Sound of Change concert in London over the weekend was dedicated to making the world better for women and girls, especially in troubled impoverished nations with names I can’t begin to pronounce. And what better way to rescue those kids than just pluck them from their native lands. Sure you can remotely sponsor those wide-eyed kids from places where 14th century diseases still fester, but who knows where that money is going. Rather, buy them outright for some shiny trinkets and fly them out of their shithole on your Gulfstream like Madonna did. You can’t fly them all out, but maybe the ones who get left behind can dream about the ones who made it and that’ll make their child prostitution shifts go a little faster.

Photo Credit: PCN, WENN, Bauer-Griffin

Madonna Wax Statue Not Very Lifelike

By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 1:44 PM

Madonna Pantless At The Billboard Awards
You could play a great scary joke on passersby if you could get that mannequin to thrust out an arm. Imagine the horror of a grade schooler as pop star Skeletor grabs them by the neck and a voice box recites ‘I need the blood of children to keep me young’. Fucking eh. I never found haunted houses scary as a kid, but waxen freaky Madonna would’ve made me shit my shorts.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty

Madonna in Malawi to Buy More Babies

By Lex April 03, 2013 @ 8:29 AM

When Madonna first went to Malawi, The Material Girl agreed to build six schools in exchange for buying one Malawi baby for her display cabinet back home. But then Madonna wanted a second Malawian baby, because you really need a set or else people think you’re not a real collector. So the Malawis asked for twelve schools. But shrewd Madonna bargained then down to ten schools for two babies. And now she’s in Malawi showing off her end of the bargain. Ten brand new schools for impoverished Malawi children to be fed, educated, and ultimately shackled and placed in the lower hulls of Madonna’s clipper ships bound for the New World.